diff --git a/bot.php b/bot.php index 3f9ba6c..421088c 100644 --- a/bot.php +++ b/bot.php @@ -55,6 +55,7 @@ $discord->on('ready', function($discord) use ($game, $defs, $imgs, $cleverbot) { $first_char = $gen->current(); if ($first_char == ';') { + for ($qu = "", $gen->next(); $gen->current() != " " && $gen->valid(); $gen->next()) $qu .= $gen->current(); $qu = strtolower($qu); @@ -62,10 +63,11 @@ $discord->on('ready', function($discord) use ($game, $defs, $imgs, $cleverbot) { send($msg, "**$qu**: " . $defs->get($qu)); if ($imgs->get($qu, true)) { $imgfile = $imgs->get($qu); - echo $qu, ": ", $imgfile, PHP_EOL; $msg->channel->sendFile(__DIR__."/uploaded_images/$imgfile", $imgfile, $qu); } + } else { + if (is_dm($msg)) { if (!$msg->author->bot) send($msg, $cleverbot->ask($msg->content)); @@ -155,6 +157,20 @@ $time = $discord->registerCommand('time', function($msg, $args) use ($cities) { } } else { // look up the time for whatever they requested + $msg->channel->broadcastTyping(); + + $api_key = get_thing('weather_api_key'); + $query = implode("%20", $args); + $jsoncoords = json_decode(file_get_contents("http://api.openweathermap.org/data/2.5/weather?q={$query}&APPID=$api_key&units=metric")); + $coord = $jsoncoords->coord; + + + $url = "http://api.geonames.org/timezoneJSON?username=benharri"; + $newurl = "$url&lat={$coord->lat}&lng={$coord->lon}"; + + $json = json_decode(file_get_contents($newurl)); + $jtime = strtotime($json->time); + send($msg, "It's " . date('g:i A \o\n l F j, Y', $jtime) . " in {$jsoncoords->name}."); } } @@ -351,7 +367,12 @@ $discord->registerAlias('Up', 'up'); /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// $discord->registerCommand('say', function($msg, $args) { - send($msg, implode(" ", $args) . "\n\n**love**, {$msg->author}"); + $a = implode(" ", $args); + if ((strpos($a, '@everyone') !== false) || (strpos($a, '@here') !== false)) { + $msg->reply("sry, can't do that! :P"); + return; + } + send($msg, "$a\n\n**love**, {$msg->author}"); }, [ 'description' => 'repeats stuff back to you', 'usage' => '', @@ -479,8 +500,8 @@ $discord->registerAlias('Kaomoji', 'kaomoji'); /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// $joke = $discord->registerCommand('joke', function($msg, $args) { - $json = json_decode(file_get_contents("http://tambal.azurewebsites.net/joke/random")); - send($msg, $json->joke); + $joke_arr = explode("-----------------------------------------------------------------------------", file_get_contents(__DIR__.'/miscjokes.txt')); + send($msg, $joke_arr[array_rand($joke_arr)]); }, [ 'description' => 'tells a random joke', 'usage' => '', @@ -497,8 +518,8 @@ $discord->registerAlias('Joke', 'joke'); ]); $joke->registerSubCommand('yomama', function($msg, $args) { - $json = json_decode(file_get_contents("http://api.yomomma.info/")); - send($msg, $json->joke); + $jokes = file("yomamajokes.txt"); + send($msg, $jokes[array_rand($jokes)]); }, [ 'description' => 'yo mama jokes', ]); diff --git a/miscjokes.txt b/miscjokes.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2c63443 --- /dev/null +++ b/miscjokes.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8338 @@ +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle? + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? + +A: By the taste. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What did Tarzan yell when he saw the elephants coming? + +A: The elephants are coming!!!! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why did they stop the leper hockey game? + +A: There was a face off in the corner. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do you sink a polish submarine. + +A: Knock on the door!! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? + +A: The bucket. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? + +A: A damn good start. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call a planeload of lawyers that goes down at sea with one + seat empty? + +A: A Damn shame!!!! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you do if you come across an elephant? + +A: Wipe it off! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do you recycle a condom?? + +A: You turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why is shit tapered at the ends? + +A: So your asshole doesn't slam shut! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's red and screams and goes around in circles? + +A: A Baby nailed to the floor. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What is red and green and nailed to the floor? + +A: The same baby, six months later! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Here in Kentucky, we're in the middle of deer hunting season, which +means that the woods are full of people armed with weapons with a higher +caliber than their IQ. Which brings to mind the story of the man who took +his wife deer hunting (apologies to those who may be offended by the sexism +- actually female deer hunters are no stupider than males). Anyway, they +decided to split up to improve their chances of finding a deer. The man +explained to his wife that the woods were full of dishonest hunters who +might try to claim her deer if she managed to kill one. In case this +happened, she should fire her rifle into the air three times, to summon +him for assistance. They went their separate ways, and soon he heard a +shot, followed by three quick shots. He followed the direction of the +sound, and found his wife holding a man at gunpoint. She said "It was +just like you told me, I killed this deer fair and square and this man +says its his." The husband pointed his rifle at the stranger, who placed +his hands in the air and said "She's welcome to keep it, I would just like +to get my saddle back." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q:Why did the pervert cross the road? + +A: Because he was stuck to the chicken. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The other day this guy came up to me and asked if I wanted to buy his +old '57 Chevy convertible. I thought it was a pretty good looking car and +so I offered him 50 female pigs and 50 male deer. + + The guy looked at me kind of crazy like and started to mutter under +his breath. I asked him what's the matter, don't you want a hundred sows +and bucks? + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Roses are red, +And ready for plucking, +She's fifteen, +And ready for ... +High school. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This is a song sung to a girl... + +I love you in blue, +I love you in red, +But most of all baby, +I love you in... + +Blue. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + So this lady walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. A drunk +at the bar looks up and says, "That's the ugliest pig I ever saw!". The +lady says, "You stupid drunk. That's not a pig, that's a duck!". And the +drunk says, "I was talking to the duck." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair? + +A: Because if they dragged them by the feet they would fill up with rocks. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + There were two morons that wanted to go hunting. They went out into the +woods and after a while decided to split up. One went one way and the other +went another way. As this joke would have it, one of the morons shot the +other moron by mistake. The moron that shot his friend was very upset and +so he took the friend to the hospital. When he saw the doctor, he asked how +his friend was doing and if he was going to live. The doctor replied, "He +would have been fine if you hadn't have gutted him first." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + This man walked into the bar and said to the bartender, "Let me tell +you this joke about dumb jocks." The bartender replied, "Listen, bud, I +don't think that would be a good idea. See those two guys over in the +corner booth? They used to play for the Dallas Cowboys. And those three +guys at the end of the bar used to wrestle professionally. Also, I used +to play professional hockey." The man then replied, "Forget it, I don't +have time to explain it to all six of you." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + One day, a guy comes into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want it to +grow". So the doc says, "Here, take three of these a day," and gives the guy +a bottle of pills. + + An hour later, another guy comes in and he wants it to grow too. The doc +says, "Take 3 of these a day." "No, I'll take 6!" and the guy leaves. + + Then a cowboy comes in: He wants the same. He's told to take 3 but says, +"Nah, I'll take 24!" and leaves. + + The next day all three guys come into the office. + + 1st: "Doc, Doc, it's down to my ankles!" + + 2nd: "Doc, Doc, it's draggin' an inch behingd me!" + + Cowboy: "Yeeee-Haaah!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the square root of 69? + +A: 8 something. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + This old man rambles into a bar and shuffles up to the counter. He leans +over the counter and says to the bartender "I'll gouge my eye out for $25." +The bartender says, "I'm game," so the old man pops out a fake eye with a big +grim and takes the $25. Then he says, "For $50 I'll bite my other eye." The +bartender then says, "You must have at least one good eye, so I'm in." So the +old man pulls out his dentures and moves them in a biting motion over his +other eye and takes the money. The old man then says "For ..." The bartender +cuts in and says, "I'm not going to pay you to do anything else." So the old +man shuffles of to the back room. About thirty minutes later he comes back up +to the bartender and says, "I'm going to give you a chance to get your money +back. I'll bet you $100 That I can pee into a shot glass on one end of the bar +from the other end of the bar." The Bartender thinks this over and agrees to +it. So the bartender puts a shotglass at one end and the old man stands up on +the other end a pulls it out and starts peeing all over the bar, stools, and +even the bartender. The bartender jumps up for joy knowing that he has just +won his hundred when he notices the old man laughing. He asks the old man why +he is laughing and the old man says, "I just bet two men in the back $500 that +I could pee all over you and the bar and have you like it." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: If there were three Santa's on a roof, how could you tell which one was an + Aggie? + +A: The one with the Easter basket! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +--->>> T H E R U L E S <<<--- + +1. The female ALWAYS makes the rules. + +2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notice. + +3. No Male can possibly know all the rules. + +4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she may immediately + change all or some of the rules. + +5. The female is NEVER wrong. + +6. If the female seems to be wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunder- + standing which was a direct result of something the male did or said + wrong. + +7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the + misunderstanding. + +8. The female can change her mind at any given time. + +9. The male must NEVER change his mind without the prior written consent of + the female. + +10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. + +11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be + angry or upset. + +12. The female must NEVER, under any circumstances, let the male know whether + or not she wants him to be angry or upset. + +13. Any attempt to document these rules by the male, could result in sever + bodily harm. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + There was once a little boy ... + + He was at home one day and he heard some moaning and groaning coming +from his mother's bedroom. He hastily peeked through the keyhole and saw his +mother lying on the bed, naked, rubbing herself and saying "I need a man, +God, I need a man!" + + The boy saw this ritual several times, until one day he peeked through +the keyhole and saw a man on top of her. He immediately ran to his room, +took off all his clothes, and rubbed himself while saying: "I need a bike, +I need a bike!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do you know when your girlfriend/wife/lover is too fat? + +A: When she keeps her vibrator in the gun rack! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What did they do with the dead Texan that was too big to fit in a coffin? + +A: Gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +(Tom Neukam) + + This text ACTUALLY came out of an IBM service database. + Of course it's referring to the rubber ball inside a + computer mouse ... + +Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU (Field Replacement Unit) + +Text: Mouse Balls are now available as a FRU. If a mouse fails to +operate or should perform erratically, it may be in need of ball +replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, +replacement of mouse balls should be attempted by trained personnel +only. + +Before ordering, determine type of mouse balls required by examining +the underside of each mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder +than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon +manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the +pop-off method and domestic balls replaced using the twist-off +method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive, however, +excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. + +Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used +immediately. + +It is recommended that each servicer have a pair of balls for +maintaining optimum customer satisfaction and that any customer +missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these +necessary functional items. + + P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls + P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What does an Irish seven-course meal consists of? + +A: A six pack and a potato. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What has 300 legs and seven teeth? + +A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What is the best thing about Alzheimer's disease? + +A: You meet so many new people. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why don't elephants pick their nose? + +A: Cuz there's nowhere to hide a 6 foot booger! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A blind guy walks into a department store with his seeing-eye dog and, for +no apparent reason, grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging the poor +mutt around and around. A clerk rushes over to the man to see if he could +help. "Excuse me sir, can I assist you in some way?" And the blind man +replies, "No thanks, just looking!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +During a recess in the proceedings, three delegates to an international +agriculture convention sat down for cocktails, and before long, they began +to discuss methods for driving their wives wild. + +The French delegate volunteered that he always picked a few roses from the +garden, spread the petals on his wife's body, then gently blew them off +before making love. + +The Englishman declared that before making love to his wife, he would +massage her with hot oil. + +The two Europeans then turned to the Texan and asked him his secret. +"Well," he said, "after the wife and I get it on, I hop outta bed and +wipe my dick on the curtains. That, gents, drives her wild!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +... And that kind of reminds me of one time that I was in a steak house in +Austin. Guy came in and sat at the table next to us and ordered a sirloin. +The waitress asked him how he wanted it and he answered, "Knock off its +horns, wipe its a** and walk it through the kitchen." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call a sheep hauler going through Wyoming??? + +A: A pimp. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three grade-school children learned how to swear from their friends at +school. Thinking highly of their accomplishment, they decided to try it +out at home, choosing the next morning's breakfast to show off their newly +acquired skill. As they sit down at the breakfast table, their mother +turns to the oldest child and asks what he wants for breakfast. + +"Aw, hell, I think I'll have some damn cheerios," he replies, whereupon +mother whacks him a good one upside the head. Somewhat irritated, she +turns to the next child and asks him what he wants. + +"Ah, hell, I'll have some of them f**king cheerios, too," is his answer, +whereupon he also gets whacked dizzy. In utter disgust, the mother turns +to the youngest child and repeats her question in a clearly angry tone of +voice. + +The child replied "I sure as hell ain't going to have them f***ing +cheerios!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you have when you've got a mothball in your right hand, and a + mothball in your left hand? + +A: A BIG moth! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: You have a small green ball in your left hand. You also have another one + in your right hand. What do you have? + +A: Kermit's FULL attention. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: If you put two nuts on a wall, what do you have? +A: Walnuts. + +Q: If you put two nuts on two peas, what do you have? +A: Peanuts. + +Q: If you put two nuts on your chin, what do you have? +A: Chin nuts. + +No ... You have a dick in your mouth! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Mary had a little lamb, +She kept in her backyard, +When she took her panties off, +His woolly dick got hard. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Chip and Dale were eating nuts one day and arguing over what kind of tree +they were sitting in. About that time Woody Woodpecker flies by and hears +the commotion. Says Woody, "I'll settle the argumant." "O.k.," said the +squirrels. So Woody finds himself a good perch and proceeds to peck away. +After quite awhile, too exhausted to continue, he finishes. Chip and Dale, +excited to find out who's right, ask him, "Well, what is it?" Says Woody, +"I don't know what you were arguing about - that was the best piece of ash +I ever stuck my pecker in." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day Dirty Ernie is playing with his train set. The little train came +around to the little station and stopped. So Ernie said, "All the people +getting off the train, get off the fucking train; all the people getting on, +get on the fucking train". So, the train goes around the little track and +back into the station. Ernie says again, "All the people getting off the +train, get off the fucking train; all the people getting on, get on the +fucking train." Well, Ernie's mother had heard enough! "Ernie, go to your +room. No dinner tonight!" After dinner, Ernie's mother went upstairs to +his room. "Well Ernie, I think you learned your lesson; you can go play +with your trains." Ernie plays, the train pulls up to the little station. +Says Ernie, "All the people getting on the train, get on the train; all +the people getting off the train, get off. Anyone who wants to know why +we are late tonight, ask the fucking bitch in the kitchen." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What does an elephant use for a vibrator? + +A: An epileptic. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Who's the patron saint of Ethiopia? + +A: Karen Carpenter. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why did God make women? + +A: Because sheep can't cook. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call an armless, legless, water skiier? + +A: Skip. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Roses are red, +Pickles are green, +I like your legs, +And what's in between. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you do if a pitbull starts humping your leg? + +A: Fake an Orgasam! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The night of Hugo, just when the eye of the storm was coming upon us, the +water was so high outside it started coming in the windows. When the eye +hit, I waded outside and, for safety, the neighbor's son and I ended up on +the top of thier house. As we sat there, we saw logs, parts of roofs and +houses and even mailboxes float by the house. All of a sudden a baseball +cap came floating down past the house, then stopped, and floated upstream, +then stopped and reversed directions a couple more times. Totally amazed I +said to the kid, "Wonder what that is?" To which he replied, "Oh, that's +the ole man. He said, 'Today, come Hell or High Water' he was gonna get +that damn lawn mowed!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you get when you cross a midget with a prostitute? + +A: A little fucker about three feet high. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Where is an elephant's sex organ? + +A: In his feet, 'cause if he steps on you, you're fucked. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: If whiskey makes you frisky and gin makes you sin, what gets a girl + pregnant? + +A: Two high balls and a squirt. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A guy walks into a bar where he has heard that the bartender is keeping a +horse in back. Walking up to the bar, he asks what the bartender would +give him if he were able to go back to the horse and make it laugh. The +bartender offers 100 bucks. The guy says o.k., and walks back to the horse +and whispers in its ear. Suddenly the horse starts laughing in an uproar. +The man colects his money and leaves. A week later, the man shows up again +and asks the bartender what he'd pay if he could make the horse cry? This +time the bartender is thinking he's got a sure win and bets 1000 bucks. +Once agin the man walks back to the horse and a few minutes later, the +horse is crying! The bartender pays up, but asks "You got to tell me what +happened." The man says, "Well, the first time, I told your horse that my +cock was bigger than his. The second time, I showed him." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A priest wanted to raise money for the church. He was told that there was a +fortune in horse rasing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in +a race. However, at an auction, the going price for a horse was so steep +that he decided to buy a donkey and race it. To his surprise, the donkey +came in third. The next day the racing sheet carried the headline, "PRIEST'S +ASS SHOWS." The priest was pleased with the donkey and entered it in another +race. This time it won. The paper reported, "PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT." The +bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity, that he ordered the priest +not to enter the donkey in any more races. The paper read, "BISHOP SCRATCHES +PRIEST'S ASS." This was just too much for the bishop, so he ordered the +priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest gave the donkey to a nun at a +nearby convent and the headline read, "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN." The bishop +fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. +She sold it to a farmer for $10 and the newspaper reported, "NUN PEDDLES ASS +FOR TEN BUCKS." They buried the bishop the next day. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two fags were standing on a corner - one with his finger up the other's ass. +A cop came up and asked the fag, "Why do you have your finger up that guy's +ass?" "I'm trying to make him throwup," lisped the fag. "But," said the cop, +"that's not going to make him throwup." Replied the fag, "It will when I +stick it in his mouth." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the husband who took his wife to the zoo? They walked +over to the gorilla cage, which contained a mean old 600 pound gorilla. The +man got ahold of the key to the cage, unlocked the door, threw his wife +inside and said, "Now go ahead and tell HIM you got a headache!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do you know a polack is at a cock fight? +A: He brings the duck. + +Q: How do you know an irishman is at a cock fight? +A: He bets on the duck. + +Q: How do you know italians are at a cock fight? +A: The duck wins. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Well, here it is Sunday evening again and you've probably all read, reread, +and pretty well exhausted the info in your Church bulletin by now ... Real +exciting stuff, eh? Yeah, ours generally is too. But sometimes ... + + "This afternoon there will be meetings in the south and + north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at + both ends." + + "Tuesday at 4:00pm, there will be an Ice Cream Social. All + ladies giving milk please come early." + + "Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. + Johnson will sing, 'Put Me in My Little Bed,' accompanied + by the Pastor." + + "Thursdays at 5:00 pm, there will be a meeting of the + Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers + will please meet with the minister in his study." + + "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Borwn to come + forward and lay an egg on the altar." + + "The service will close with 'Little Drops of Water,' one + of the men will start quietly and the rest of the congre- + gation will join in." + + "The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every + kind and they can be seen in the church basement on Friday + afternoon." + + "On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray + the expense on the new carpet. All wishing to do some- + thing on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece + of paper." + + + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What does a Jewish wife make for supper? + +A: Reservations! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Sammy Davis, Jr. passes through the Pearly Gate and runs into Rock Hudson. +"Rock," he says, "You can smoke'em or poke'em, but one way or another, them +butts are sure to kill you." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's +house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circum- +cision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream +and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet. "What's +this," she asked. "Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a +whole one!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What has 60 teeth and holds back a gigantic monster? + +A: My zipper. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +When I got married I told my wife I wanted to set the world on fire. After +three years of being married to her I wanted to set myself on fire ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A priest, a minister and a rabbi all died at the same time and met at the +Pearly Gates. St. Peter stood before the locked gates and looked upon them +sternly. "I have been reviewing your lives," St. Peter began, "You've all +done a remarkable job leading exemplary lives. However, before I can allow +any of you to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, you each must answer one ques- +tion." Peter turned towards the priest, "Father, when does life begin?" +The priest proudly replied, "At the moment of conception!" Consulting his +answer sheet, St. Peter said, "You've answered according to your faith. +You may now enter the Kingdom of Heaven." As the priest disappeared through +the Pearly Gates, St. Peter turned to the minister. "When does life begin?" +The minister, without hesitation proclaimed, "When the head leaves the birth +canal!" Peter once again checked his list, saying, "You've answered accord- +ing to your faith. You may now enter the Kingdom of Heaven." As the minister +disappeared through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter turned to the rabbi. "So, +Rabbi, when does life begin?" The rabbi thought carefully, stroked his +beard, and replied, "When the dog dies and the kids leave home." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A polack, a german and an iraqi all volunteered for a scientific experiment +to determine ethnic variation in olfactory tolerance. The three were locked +into a well-heated pigpen with four pigs who had been fed a steady diet of +All-Bran and Ex-Lax. After thirty minutes, the german could take it no longer +and crawled, gasping for breath, from the pig-pen. Two hours later the +polack left the pig-pen, a curious shade of chartreuse, and collapsed. Ten +more minutes passed before the pigs ran out begging for mercy ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What is seven miles long and goes five miles per hour? + +A: A mexican funeral with only one set of jumper cables. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +After many years of study, two orthodox rabbanical students graduated from +the seminary, and were told to get black suits and go into the world. One +said that his uncle Pincus, the tailor, would give them a great deal, so +they went to see him. After picking up their suits, the two new rabbis walked +down the street, arguing about the color of their suits. The first rabbi said +the suits were navy; the second said no they were black. That's when they saw +a nun waiting at a bus stop. They ran up behind the nuns to compare colors of +clothing. Lo and behold, their suits were navy! "How do you like that, Pincus +fucked us!" said one rabbi. The nun turned around, saying, "I didn't know you +could speak Latin!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Customer: How much is a haircut? +Barber: Eight dollars. +Customer: How much is a shave? +Barber: A buck. +Customer: In that case, shave my hair off ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two tourists, a Pole and Czechoslovakian, were visiting Yellowstone National +Park. Their first night, two huge bears wandered into their campsite and ate +the two hapless tourists. The park rangers set out immediately to find these +killer bears. Finally, they cornered two bears, a male and a female, which +they thought might have been responsible. "What do you think we ought to do +with them?" asked the first ranger. "Well," the second ranger replied, "I +figure we should cut the bears open. If we find the people inside, we know +we've got our killer bears." Whereupon, the first ranger began to cut the +female bear, and sure enough he found the remains of the Pole. "Any luck?" +he called out to his partner. "Yep," said the other. "The Czech is in the +male." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A jewish guy walked into a bar, sat down next to a chinese guy, had two +drinks, and punched the chinese guy in the nose. "What that for?" asked the +chinese guy. "That's for bombing Pearl Harbor," said the Jew. "You idiot," +said the chinese guy, "JAPANESE bomb Pearl Harbor - NOT Chinese!" "Ah," +said the jewish guy, "Chinese, japanese, it's all the same." So the chinese +guy finished his drink and punched the jewish guy in the nose. "What was +THAT for?" asked the jewish guy. "That for sinking Titanic," said the chinese +guy. "You moron," said the jewish guy, "the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!" +"Ah so," said the chinese guy, "Iceberg, Greenberg, it all same!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you say to a mexican in a three-piece suit? + +A: Will the defendant please stand. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two canadians decide to go duck hunting so they get up early one morning, +and go off to the swamps with their red hats, duck calls, and their trusty +hunting dog. Even with all conditions favorable for a good day, by day's end +they headed home without a single duck! The first canadian said "Do you +think that maybe the duck calls didn't work?" The second replied, "No, the +duck calls were fine. I think we weren't throwing the dog high enough!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three yuppers were out in the forest hunting. They hadn't had much luck and +were about ready to shoot anything. One yupper forced his way through some +bushes and said, "Hey! I found some deer tracks!" The second yupper nudged +him to the side and said, "You dummy, those aren't deer tracks, those are +bear tracks!" So, the third yupper shoved his way in, put his head down +real close to the tracks to see what they were, and was run over by a train. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The Scots pray on the Sabbath, and on their neighbors; the Irish don't know +what they believe in, but they're more than ready to die for it; and the +British all claim to be self-made men - which at least relieves God of the +responsibility! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +She was so ugly that I took her to the top of the Empire State building and +planes started to attack her. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two yuppers were hunting in the woods. It had been a long and unproductive +day. As the hunters walked into a sunny clearing, Sven spied a beautiful, +and well-endowed, coed sunbathing in the nude. She noticed the hunters, +winked, and waved them over. "Ole," Sven stammered, "I think she wants us +to screw her!" Ole replied "I'm game." So Sven shot him. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you get when you play a country song backwards? + +A: You get your house back, your car back, your woman back, and you get + your whole damn life back. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A team of detectives arrived at the business executive's New York penthouse +apartment and were admitted by the butler. "Mr. James," one told the busi- +nessman, "we have some good news and some bad news about your missing wife." +"You'd better give me the bad news first," said Mr. James. "We found her +floating face down in the East River this afternoon with eight large lob- +sters clinging to her body." "Oh, poor Sandra," the man sighed, "What's +the good news?" "We're sending her back out in the morning." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +While taking a break from the assembly line, two auto workers were discuss- +ing the strange twists life sometimes takes. "Who woulda thought," one +mused, "that there would come a day when I would have more money than +Donald Trump, higher morals than Jimmy Swaggart, and more pussy than +Rock Hudson?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two newfies were off on their annual trip to the Canadian Rockies to bag a +moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, +"I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please." +A week later, when he returned to the lake, the pilot found the hunters +proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you guys only one moose!" the +furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that +much weight!" "You're just a chicken," one hunter said. "We killed two +moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off," said the other +newfie. Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, the pilot reconsidered. +"Alright, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it." So they loaded +up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his take-off. +The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the +overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. +Some time later, the newfies regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one +asked. His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the +edge of the lake, and replied, "Oh, I guess about a hundred yards further +than last year." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A New Jersey suburbonite had just motored through the Lincoln Tunnel into +Manhattan when a hooker approached him and said, "I'll do anything you want +- your wildest fantasies - for $100. But you have to tell me in three +words." The guy thought for a moment and replied, "Okay ... Paint my house." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly +illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had +been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess. The girl had had enough +of this particular character. "These are the breakfast lights, sir," she +answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and +you snored right through them." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +You were so ugly as a kid that your mother had to feed you with a +sling shot ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +You were so ugly when you were born, the doctor took one look at your +face, turned you over and said, "Look ... twins!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +You were so ugly as kid that on Halloween you're mother put peanut butter +around your lips and sent you out as an asshole ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"Republicans understand the importance of the bondage between parent and +child." + +(Dan Quayle, U.S. vice-president) + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Women are like floppy disks - Smart men always keep a back-up ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I remember when I was so depressed I was going to jump out a highrise +window. I tell you I get no respect; when they sent a priest up to talk to +me he said, "On your mark. Get set ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I tell you I get no respect - A hooker once told me she had a headache ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"Do you think," asked the poll taker, "that the terms of Congressmen should +be limited?" "Hell no!" raged the taxpayer. "They should stay in jail as +long as everyone else!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"I'm not saying her fiance' is cheap," whispered the office gossip, "but +every time I get close to her engagement ring, I have an overwhelming desire +for some Cracker Jacks ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The next thing you know, instead of issuing stamps, they're just going slap +a little glue on the backs of dollar bills ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +You know you're in a small town when ... + +... You dial a wrong number and talk for 15 minutes anyway. +... You are run off Main Street by a combine. +... You can't walk for exercise - every car that passes offers you a ride. +... You don't use your turn signal because everyone knows where you + are going. +... You get married and the local newspaper devotes a quarter page to the + story. +... You drive into a ditch five miles out of town and the word gets back + to town before you do. +... The biggest business in town sells farm machinery. +... You write a check on the wrong bank - and it covers you anyway. +... The pick-ups on Main Street outnumber the cars 3-to-1. +... You miss a Sunday at church and receive get-well cards. +... Someone asks you how you are, and actually wants to know. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A big, ugly, biker stormed into a bar in a bad mood one evening, obviously +looking for a fight. "Everybody on that side of the bar is an asshole!" he +shouted, "Anybody want to make something of it? Just stand up!" Nobody +stood up. "And everyone on this side of the bar is a fucking faggot!" A +lawyer stood up. "You wanna fight?" snarled the biker. "No", said the +lawyer, "it's just that I'm on the wrong side of the bar." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +JEFFREY DAHMER JOKES + +Q: What other charges will be filed against Dahmer? +A: Selling arms to Iran. + +Q: What were they playing on the radio when the police entered Dahmer's + apartment? +A: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face." + +Q: What did Dahmer say to the police when they arrested him? +A: "Oh, come on, have a heart." + +Q: Why did Dahmer put the head in the refrigerator? +A: To see if the light really turned off. + +Q: What does the ad for Dahmer's apartment say? +A: Apartment for rent, roommate included, some assembly required. + +Q: Did you hear that Dahmer got out on bail? +A: Yeah, he had to put up an arm and a leg. + +Q: Did you hear that Dahmer sold his Chevette? +A: It just didn't have enough leg room. + +Dahmer used body parts to brew his own beer. Trouble was, when you poured it +out, it had no head. + +Milwaukee is so upset over the Dahmer killings, that the city council is +changing the name of the town to "Hack 'n Sack." + +On Sale -- Limited Time Only -- just $19.95 +Take the finest in Old-Wisconsin Style Foods +Among Jeff's favorite recipes: + Icebox Surprise Pie Head Cheese Terry Aki + Beans & Frank Shish-k-Bob Bobby's Bratwurst + "Screamin'" Sammy Sausage Leg 'o Sam Chuck Roast + Scrambled Legs Baked Alaskan Paul Pot Pie + Finger Sandwiches Head Lettuce Elbow Macaroni + Vince Meat Handburger Bob-b-que + Barry's Back Ribs Filet 'o Fred Big Mac + Bill's Boilin' in the bag Stew Manwiches Rice-o-Ronnie + Matzo Balls Peter Bread Sloppy Joe + Moo Goo Guy-in-a-Pan (old Chinese recipe) + +Jeff's Favorite Bands -- Fine Young Cannibals, Talking Heads +Jeff's Favorite Movies -- "Eating Raoul" and "Diner" +Jeff's Favorite Drink -- Harvey Wallbanger + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day 3 baby boys were born in the hospital at the same time and the nurses +got them mixed up. They were Jewish, Polish and German. Everyone stood around +wondering how to sort them out, when the German father stepped forward, +clicked his heals, and shouted, "Achtung!" The german baby jumped up, threw +his hand in the air, and replied "Seig Heil!" The Jewish baby shit his +diapers and the Polish baby played in it. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There are three kinds of sex: + +1. Kitchen sex - This is usually when you're first together. You'll do it + ANYWHERE. +2. Bedroom sex - As your relationship progresses this is the usual place for + sex. +3. Hallway sex - As your relationship has matured you walk down the hall and + say "Fuck you". + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An attractive young secretary in her first week on the job got some friendly +advice about the office Romeo from the more matronly office workers. "Watch +out for 'Tiny' ... Stay away from 'Tiny'," they warned her. After a few weeks +on the job, two of the older secretaries cornered her in the copy room. "I +see you worked after hours with Tiny last night," one began. "Did Tiny make +any moves on you when you were alone?" the other asked. The pretty young +secretary didn't know quite what to say. She replied that she had a most +pleasant evening, and she didn't know why everyone kept calling him +'Tiny'. "Oh, I guess you didn't find out last night after all," one of +the older women laughed. "You see, he has a tatto on the side of his penis +that says 'Tiny'." "Then we must be talking about two different people," +the young secretary rplied, "The man I was with has a tatoo that says +Ticonderoga, NY." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive? + +A: They're worth it. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What is the Jewish stand on abortion? + +A: If it's a good deal, it's ok. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An Israeli tank hit an Egyptian tank. The Egyptian jumped out of his tank, +frantically waving a white flag. The Israeli jumped out of his tank shout- +ing, "Whiplash! Whiplash!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Do you know how the Israelis captured the Negev desert? The Egyptians had a +bunch of Russian advisors during the war. The Russians have always relied on +their time proven, reliable, strategy - retreat before the enemy, and wait +for the Russian winter to descend. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I met a girl at a party the other night. One thing led to another and before +I knew it, I was having sex with her. I wondered what kind of birth control +she was using. It was foam. By the time I found out, I looked like a mad +dog. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three elderly women, recently transplanted from the Northeast to a Florida +retirement community, were getting acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, their +conversation turned to children. "My son is the most successful doctor on +Park Avenue," announced Mrs. Cohen. Not to be outdone, Mrs. Goldsteinthe +remarked, "My son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street." Mrs. Smith +remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier game, Mrs. Cohen inquired, +"And you, dear, do you have a son?" "And is he a professional?" demanded +Mrs. Goldstein. "Well, not exactly," answered Mrs. Smith, "Actually, he's +a plumber. And not only that, he's gay." Beaming, one of the poor woman's +interrogators offered consolation: "Ah, he's not doing so well ..." This +time it was the Mrs. Smith smiled. "He's not doing too badly," she explained. +"He goes out with the most successful doctor on Park Avenue and the most +successful lawyer on Wall Street ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call a man that has no arms, no legs and a twelve inch dick? + +A: Partially handicapped. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A little girl went to the Judge and asked to be taken away from her +parents ... + +Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Mommy?" + +Little Girl: "No, my Mommy beats me." + +Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Daddy?" + +Little Girl: "No, my Daddy beats me too." + +Judge: "Well little girl, who do you want to live with?" + +Little Girl: "I want to live with the Cubs because they never beat + anyone!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why did Helen Keller go crazy? + +A: She tried to read a sheet of sandpaper. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A guy is lost at sea for days, and finally finds land, a native island. The +guy makes friends with the native chief, and in appreciation the chief gives +the guy his daughter for the night. So that night as they were going at it, +the girl starts saying "Agooma, agooma!" The man thought this meant, "This is +great! I love this!" So the next morning, the chief invited the man to a game +of golf. Just at the end, the man wanted to show his appreciation for the +game of golf, and also wanted to show off his new knowledge, so he said +"Agooma, agooma!" The chief replied "What do you mean 'wrong hole'?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What`s moist and pink and split right down the middle? + +A: A grapefruit. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + POLITICAL SPEECH OF A LADY DELEGATE TO A NATIONAL POLITICAL CONVENTION + +Dear Lady Delegates: + + We must have what the men have. It may not be very long, But we mean +to have it. If we can't have it without friction, then we will have it with +friction. If we can't get it through organization, then we will get it +through combination or both, if necessary. + + We refuse to be poked in the gallery any longer, and insist on being +layed on the floor in the house. We are willing to look up to the men, but +we don't always want to hold up our ends and show our possibilities when- +ever anything arises that will meet our expectations. Nothing that comes +will be too hard for us. + + We women have always been interested in good movements and will take +any load given us. We are still willing to work under men that have been +over us in the past, even to the point of exhaustion if necessary. But, +we are beginning to become disgusted with failings and short comings. + + Never when anything arose that required our presence and attention +have we failed to come again and again if the occasion required it. But, +all too often have our hopes and striving been met with feeble performances +which have left us disappointed and unsatisfied. + + How often have our efforts to push our ends been met with the cry, +"Down with petticoats"? Now I say, "Up with the petticoats and down with +the pants!" As long as we women are split up the way we are the men will +always be on top. + + Thank you friends. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Hi! I am a creature from outer space. I have transformed myself into +your computer keyboard. Right now I am having sex with your fingers. I know +you like it because you are smiling. Please allow someone else to use the +keyboard, because I'm really horny and wish to reproduce! + +INS INS INS INS INS INS INS INS ... + +Howdya like the way I jab that insert key baby? I'll bet your control is +ready to break. + +ENTER +ENTER +ENTER + +Heh, heh. Bet you let out an extended character or two when I rammed that +one home. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the difference between a woman driver and a woman golfer? + +A: One hits everything and the other hits nothing. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +No matter how you slice it, it's still a golf ball. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Did you hear what the condemned golfer's last words to the hangman were? + +A: "Mind if I have a few practice swings?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"Can you count," asked the golfer to the caddy asking for a job. "Yes sir," +said the boy. "Can you add," asks the golfer. "Yes sir," said the boy. +"Okay then, how much is 4 + 5 + 7 ?" "9 sir." "Excellent, you got the job!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The golfer had lost his ball and was a little annoyed with his caddy: "Why +the hell didn't you watch where it went?" "Well sir," said the boy, "it don't +usually go anywhere, so when you did hit the ball, it sort of caught me by +surprise." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Know what a rodeo fuck is? + +A: You start to screw your wife doggie style, hold on to her shoulders, and + whisper in her ear that her sister is a better fuck than she is, and try + to hold on for 8 seconds. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A man suspects his wife of cheating on him, so he goes to the pet store +to shop for a parrot. He sees quite an assortment for sale for $500 to $1000, +but that's a bit more than he want to spend, so he's delighted to come across +one in the corner for sale for $29.95. "How come that one's so cheap," he +asks the clerk. "To tell you the truth, his dick is oversized and it embar- +rasses the customers." The husband buys the bird anyway, and installs it on +a perch right over the bed. The next day the first thing he does after coming +home form work is to rush upstairs ... "Well, what happened today?" he +demanded of the bird. "Well, the milkman came, and your wife told him to +come into the bedroom, and they took off their clothes and got into bed." +"So what happened next," screamed the husband. "I don't know," says the +parrot, "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A guy was telling his buddy that his wife could always tell when he had been +messing around just by looking at his eyes. His buddy said, "No wonder, you +have a pubic hair hanging from your eyelid!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was +having affairs with his patients? Yeah, it's a shame because he was one of +the top veterinarians in the country! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why did Moses and the Jews wander in the desert for twenty-five years? + +A: One of them dropped a quarter. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess and a Mexican + girl? + +A: The Mexican girl's jewelry is fake and her orgasms are real ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Did you hear about the war between the Poles and the Germans? + +A: The Poles threw dynamite - the Germans lit it and threw it back. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Whats black, charred, and hangs from a chandelier? + +A: A Polish electrician. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What did Spock find in the Enterprise toilet? + +A: The captain's log. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Jesus and Moses went out to play golf one day. Moses tees off on the first +hole, and hits a beautiful 250-yard drive right in the middle of the fairway. +Jesus steps up, and hits a worm-burner about 50 yards. Moses started to +laugh, but then a mouse picked up the ball and ran down the fairway. A hawk +swooped down from the sky, picked up the mouse, flew over the green, and +dropped the mouse. The mouse dropped the ball, and the ball rolled right in +the cup. Moses turned to Jesus and says, "Are you gonna play golf or just +screw around?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell +the truth?" The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied, "Some- +times a lawyer will do anything to win a case." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the difference between having sex with a six year old and having + with a sixteen year old? + +A: You have to kill the six year old afterwards. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why is AIDS a magical disease? + +A: It turns fruits into vegetables. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about Bill and Joe, the twin brothers? + +Bill was married and Joe was single. The single brother, Joe, was the proud +owner of a dilapidated old row boat. It so happened that Bill's wife died on +the same day that Joe's boat filled with water and sank. A few days later +a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and mistook him for his brother Bill. +She said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, I was sorry to hear of your great loss. You must +feel terrible." + +Joe spoke up saying, "I'm not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing right +from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of old fish and the +first time I got into her she drank water faster than anything I ever saw. +She had a bad crack and a pretty bad hole in her front, and the hole kept +getting bigger every time I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, +but when anyone else used her, she leaked like everything. But what really +finished her was the four guys looking for a good time. They asked me if I +would rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't too hot, but they +could take a crack at her anyway. The result was the crazy fools tried to +get into her all at once and it was too much for her and she cracked up the +middle ..." + +Before he could finish the old lady fainted. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +FROM: B.H. + +SUBJECT: Chauvinist from Hell! + +Well, I heard this joke from a rather drunk friend of mine. The clincher +is, he told it in front of his wife. Not a pretty sight... + + God created the world. He was lonely, and so he created the + birds, the animals, and the fishes. He was still lonely, and + so he created two men. When he finished, he sat back and + sighed satisfactorily. A timid angel raised his hand and + said, "God, there is just one problem. You have created two + men. They cannot reproduce." God thought about the problem + for a moment, scratched his chin, and replied, "You're right. + Give the dumb one a cunt." + +I just about fell over! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How much skin does it take to cover a pussy? + +A: (Stick out tongue) + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a quarter on his head? + +A: A quarter-pounder! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection? + +A: A quarter-pounder with cheese. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man and his wife had gotten into the habit of referring to making love as +"doing the laundry" so their kid's wouldn't know what was up. One day the +man came home from work and said to his wife, "Honey, let's do some laundry." +"Not now," she said, "I've had a hard day and I just wanna watch a little +t.v." "OK," he says, "I'm gonna go take a nap." Time passed and the missus +decided that a little whoopee might be just the thing so she joined her hubby +in the bedroom. "I've changed my mind, let's do some laundry " she said. +"Sorry," said the husband, "but I just had a small load, so I did it by +hand." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? + +A: Depends on how thin you slice them ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Elvis was murdered by donuts. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two dogs walking through the woods, both get caught in bear traps. One dog +says, "We need to chew off a leg to get loose." The other dog says no way. +First dog chews off his leg, goes in to town, gets patched up by the vet, +and comes back a few days later. The other dog is still in the trap. The +first dog says, ""You need to chew off your leg to get loose." The other +dog says, "I already chewed off three legs and I still ain't free." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A gigolo married an ugly, not too bright woman who happened to have loads of +money. One day the man went out to repair a hole in the roof of the stable. +"I need a ladder," he said to his wife. "Get the ladder, get the ladder," she +repeated dutifully as she trotted off. "I need a hammer and nails," he told +her a bit later. "Get the hammer, get the nails, get the hammer ..." she +repeated as she ran back to the toolshed. The guy soon got down to work and +was hammering away when he hit himself squarely on the thumb. "Fuck!" he +screamed. His wife bobbed away saying, "Get the bag, get the bag!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the worst thing about eating a hairless pussy? + +A: Putting the diaper back on when you're finished. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why does Washington, D.C. have so many lawyers and New Jersey so many + toxic waste dumps? + +A: New Jersey got to choose first ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Whats blue and comes in brownies? + +A: Cub Scouts. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There were three dogs sitting at the pound and each had an interesting story +about why they were there and what they thought would happen to them. + +Pit-Bull: The family next door had a nine month old baby and it was always +crying - crying so much it was driving its parents crazy, driving my owner +crazy, driving ME crazy - everyone! So, one day, they left the back door open +and I sneaked in and bit it's arm off. I heard later that it died on the way +to the hospital. + +"So," asked the the doberman, "what do you think will happen to you?" + +"I guess I'll get the gas chamber," replied the pit-bull. + +Doberman: The damned postman always sprays me with mace. It makes my eyes +water like crazy, makes me sneeze and I can't sleep all afternoon. One day, +another postman came to the house, but he didn't know I existed, so I chewed +his leg off. Apparently he died the next day at the hospital. + +"So," asked the great dane, "what do you think will happen to you?" + +"I guess I'll get the gas chamber," replied the doberman. + +Great Dane: My master is a gorgeous 25 year old woman. One day I was lonely +and was looking for her. But I couldn't find her. So, I went upstairs and I +found her kneeling on the floor, washing out the bath tub. She had no clothes +on and the sight made me lose control. I sneaked up behind her and ... + +"So," interrupted the other two, "what do you think will happen to you?" + +"I guess I'm here to get my nails cut," grinned the great dane ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the definition of a wife? + +A: An attachment you screw on the bed to clean the house. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What good are tails on an animal? + +A: Maybe they should be considered as neckties for their butts? + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Did you hear about the cement truck that crashed into the prison bus? + +A: They ended up with a bunch of hardened criminals. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Did you hear about the boatload of red paint that crashed into a boat + carrying blue paint? + +A: 13 passengers were marooned. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What looks like, smells like and tastes like banana's, but isn't banana's? + +A: Monkey puke. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you tell a dutchman who has his finger in a dyke? + +A: That he's wasting his time, there's no way he'll stop the flow. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There once was a man named Dave, +Who kept a dead whore in his cave, +She was dirty and gritty, +And missing one titty, +But think of the money he saved! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This fellow's wife was very flat chested. He came home from work one day and +to his utter amazement, there was his wife with a pair of 44" breasts. He +said, "My gosh, Martha, what happened?" She said "Honey, I was making myself +look all pretty for you and I was looking in the mirror behind the door, +and I said to it, 'Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my tits size 44', and +BOOM, look at the size of these suckers!" The fellow was just overwhelmed. +He ran upstairs, jumped into the shower, combed his hair, stood there look- +ing at himself and his little thing hanging there. He said to the mirror, +"Mirror, mirror on the door, make my dick touch the floor," and BOOM! His +legs blew off. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There's a new sitcom directed especially at gays. +It's called: "Leave It, It's Beaver" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What does a young Indian do if he has no date to take to the war party? + +A: Beat his tom-tom. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How many WASP's does it take to screw in a light bulb? + +A: Two - one to call an electrician while the other mixes martinis. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two old Jewish men were sitting on a park bench when an attractive woman +jogger trotted by. "Oyvey! Would I like to screw her," said the first old +man. The other looked too, and said, "Outta what?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There was a Pole who was stranded at sea. He saw a bottle floating and picked +it up. When he opened it, a Genie popped out, "I have been trapped in that +bottle for a thousand years! I will grant you three wishes for freeing me!" +The Pole considered it and requested, "I would like to have the Mongol hoards +come out of the East and sack, pillage and destroy Warsaw." The genie con- +sidered it, and clapped his hands. "It is done," he said. The Pole said, "My +second wish is to have the Mongol hoards come out of the East and sack, +pillage and destroy Warsaw." The Genie looked puzzled, but clapped his +hands. "It is done," he said. The Pole said, "My third wish is..." The +Genie cut him off, "...to have the Mongol hoards come out of the East and +sack, pillage and destroy Warsaw?" "Yes," agreed the pole. The Genie clapped +his hands, and said, "It is done. I am now free to leave, but I must know +before I go. Why did you want the Mongol hoards to come out of the East and +sack pillage and destroy Warsaw?" "Because," said the Pole, "In order for +the Mongol hoards to come out of the East three times and sack pillage and +destroy Warsaw, they'd have to cross Russia SIX times!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What drove Helen Keller insane? + +A: She tried to read a stucco wall. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do you save a drowning baby? + +A: Take your foot off his head. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A lawyer, doctor and priest were on an airplane over the ocean. The plane +went down and the only survivors were those three. They started swimming +towards an island when sharks appeared. SNAP!!! The doctor was eaten. +SNAP!!! The priest was eaten. The lawyer made it to the island, and was +later picked up and returned to port. The press asked him why the sharks +ate the other two and not him. He replied, "Professional courtesy." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There once was a minister who found that he had grown away from his congrega- +tion. So, in an attempt to come closer to his parishioners, he decided to +visit each of them personally. At the home of one elderly widow he was +invited in, but asked to sit and wait while she finished preparing her +evening meal. As he sat, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the side table +and he ate a few. Time passed and he ate a few more. He went over some +sermons in his mind and ate a few more peanuts. Suddenly, to his suprise, +he ralized that he had eaten all of the peanuts. When the woman returned +from the kitchen he began to appologize by saying that he was extremely +sorry and quite embarrassed, but in his hunger he had eaten all of her +peanuts. She replied by saying, "Don't worry reverend, since I lost my +false teeth all I can do is suck off the chocolate, anyway ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What is the definition of 'gross'? + +A: Eating a hot dog and finding out it has veins. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why does a dog lick its balls? + +A: Because he knows that in a minute he's going to lick your face. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day the Pope became very sick. All the cardinals are very concerned since +he looked like he would not last long. They called in a number of doctors and +none of them could help. Finally, they called for the best doctor in Rome, +who told them, "There is only one hope for him, but you are not going to +like it." The cardinals said, "Anything, tell us and we will do it!" So the +Doctor explained, "The only way that he will live is if he has sex with a +woman." A gasp went up from the cardinals and then a murmuring. But they +agreed to tell the Pope. They explained the situation and the Pope (he was +Italian) said, "Wella, thera musta be three condiziones. Firsta, she musta +be blind so she canna see nothing." The cardinals nodded in agreement. +"Nexta," the Pope continued, "she musta be deff so she canna hear nothing." +They all agreed and said, "And what, Your Holiness, is the third condition?" +"The thirda condizione," said the Pope, "isa thata she musta have biga tits." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three guys, an Italian, a Jew and a Polack, just died and were being judged +as to their worthiness of entering the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said that +they were all equally bad, so the ones that proved themselves in a test of +faith would get in. He told each of them he will lock them up in a room for +20 years. When he came back, whatever they'd done for him is what they get +judged by. So, he told the Italian, "I'm going to put you in this room with +one thing of your choice, what will that be?" The Italian guy tells him, "I +wanna me a woman". And so it is done. St. Peter then turned to the Jew and +asked him the same thing. The jewish guy wanted a telephone. And it was +done. Then St. Peter went to the Polack, who wanted a ciggarrette. And so +was done. + +Twenty years passed, and St. Peter opens the Italian's room and there were +a dozen children running around and playing games and things. And he says, +"Looka, St. Pietro, I madea you a big family! Buona Sera!" St. Peter was +proud of this and smiled, and the pearly gates open for the Italian. Then +St. Peter went to the next door and there's the jewish guy with a load of +money all piled up. "Hey Pete, babe, I got ya all this cash, and this can +do some very good for the orphans down below. All the real estate and stock +marketing I've done, paid off. So do I get in or what, huh?" And St. Peter +said, "Well I guess I could fit you in, but I chose the Italian guy first. +You've done good, enter." And the Pearly Gates opened. Then St. Peter +moved down to the third room and the Polack was standing there with the +cigarrette and asked him "Can I have a light?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Little Mary went to sleep, +With one of little Mary's sheep, +The sheep turned out to be a ram, +Mary had a little lamb. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"Chinese Population Explosion," by Wefuckem Yung + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and +promptly tossed cookies all over himself and the floor. The leper looked +hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings +and you could be a little sensitive about them." The bartender, wiping his +mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but +it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in +your neck." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The owner of a travelling circus was down on his luck and close to bank- +ruptcy, when he decided that the only way to increase attendance was to find +a great act that couldn't be topped. Since his lion tamer had quit, he put an +ad in the local paper for a replacement, requesting that all applicants come +to the circus the next day to audition. + +The following day, two individuals showed up, a regular-looking guy, and a +knockout woman with a body that wouldn't quit. "Lady's first," declared the +owner, as he handed a whip, gun and chair to the beauty. He opened the cage +door. As a lion entered the cage from the other side, the woman, threw the +gun and whip aside, stripped off all of her clothes, sat on the chair with +her legs spread and looked the lion straight in the eye. The lion, being +most impressed with the sight before him, buried his head between the woman's +thighs and 'went wild.' After 15 minutes, the lion backed away from her and, +totally exhausted, rolled on his side and passed out. + +While watching this, the circus owner knew he had the money maker that he +needed and was rubbing his hands together, thinking of all of the money he +was going to make with his new act. Turning to the man beside him, he asked, +"Well, do you think you can top that?" To which the man replied, "You bet +your ass I can! Just get that fucking lion out of the cage ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the difference between an anorexic hooker and a counterfeit bill? + +A: One's a phoney buck - the other is a bony fuck. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face? +A: Answering the iron. + +Q: How did she burn the other side? +A: They called back. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three friends were standing around bragging about how great their pets were. +They each claimed their dog was the smartest. The Doctor turned to his dog +and said, "Go, Rover." Rover proceeded to cross to an operating table and do +a serious operation in spactacular fashion, including all major surgery and +stitching the wound closed. Upon completion of the surgery, Rover crossed to +the doctor who gave him some cookies. "Not bad," said the engineer, who +turned to his dog and said, "Go, Spot!" Where upon Spot crossed over to a +drafting table and, in five minutes, proceeded to knock out complete con- +struction blue prints for a 150 story office complex. When he was finished, +Spot crossed to the engineer, who gave him some cookies. The doctor and the +engineer turned expectantly to the lawyer, who shrugged. The lawyer turned to +his dog and said, "Okay Fido, they're finished." Where upon Fido pissed on +the plans, screwed both Rover and Spot, and stole their cookies. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +During a picnic for upscale lawyers in Sausalito, Biff and Skippy had had an +ounce or two too much and decided to walk back into San Francisco. After +five minutes, each began to argue about whose dick was the longest. When +they reached the middle of the Golden Gate Bridge, they watched the water +flowing underneath and both were striken with a terrible urge to void their +bladders. "Ah," announced Biff as he stood at the rail, "That water is +COLD." "Yes," agreed Skippy, standing alongside him, "And it's deep too!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the difference between a Yankee and a Texan? + +A: A Yankee will walk right up to a girl and stick it in, while a Texan will + stick it in and walk right up to her ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's black and white and red all over, and has trouble going through + revolving doors? + +A: A nun with a spear through her throat. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There once was a young lady from Heath, +Who circumcised young men with her teeth, +She said with a grin, +"It's not for the skin," +"But rather for the cheese underneath." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? + +A: Beef strokin'off. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why did they get rid of all the dogs at the White House? + +A: They were chasing the Quayles and peeing on the Bushes. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A lawyer was helping a poor old widow settle her husband's estate. Upon com- +pletion of the job, he charged her $100.00. She opened her purse, and took +out one of the few remaining contents - a one hundred dollar bill. After he +left the attorney discovered that the bill had another $100.00 bill stuck to +it. Immediately, the lawyer was faced with an ethical dilemma - whether or +not to tell his partner. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do you recondition an aging hooker? + +A: Shove a ten-pound ham up her and pull out the bone. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The saintly old Bishop of Birmingham, +Fucked young boys while confirming'em. +With screeches and roars, +He'd rip down their drawers, +And whip his Episcopal worm in'em. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An elderly woman walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhatten Bank +holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window +that she wished to take the $3,000,000 she had in the bag and open an +account with the bank. She said that first, however, she wished to meet +the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the large amount of money +involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and, +after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which +amounted to right around three million, telephoned the bank president's +secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman. The woman was escorted +upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made +and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did busi- +ness with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how +she came into such a large sum of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. +"No," she replied. "Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. +"No," she answered. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where +this elderly woman could have come into three million dollars. "I bet," +she stated. "As in horses?" he asked. "No," she replied, "I bet people." +Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things +with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that 10 o'clock +tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured she +must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know +how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful - he didn't +even have the traditional nooner with his secretary. He decided to stay home +that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up +in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was +okay. There was no change in his crotchal appearance. He looked the same as +he always had. He went to work and waited for the old lady to come in at +10 o'clock, humming as he went. He know this would be a lucky day - how often +did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman +was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked +what the other man was doing in the office, she informed him that he was her +lawyer and she took him along when there was this much money involved. +"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," +he laughed, "but I'm the same as I've always been - only $25,000 richer." +The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for +herself. The president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. +She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, +everything was fine. His balls were not square. The president then looked up +and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the +wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh, him," she answered, "I bet +him $100,000 that by 11 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase +Manhattan Bank by the balls." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the +doctor's office for the results. "Well," said the doctor, "I have good news +and bad news for you." "The way I feel, please give me the good news first," +replied the bachelor. "The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your +penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam." "Great!" +the man shouted, "What is the bad news?" "It's malignant," replied the +doctor. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you know that if every single man, woman and child in China - all one +billion of them - were to hold hands together around the equator more than +half of them would drown? + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two lesbians were walking through a park when they saw a naked man lying in +the grass. He was sporting a tremendous woodie. The first lesbian looked at +the second and said, "Hey, look, if we find another one of these we can play +horseshoes!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +NON-CURSE CURSE'S + +May you have the nicest neighbors in all Sibera. + +May your name be so famous that every bailiff, tax colector, cop and secret +agent know it. + +May you grow so healthy, husky and fat, that it takes twenty years for the +worms to pick you clean. + +May you fall in the outhouse just as a platoon of marines finishes a prune +stew and twelve barrels of beer. + +May your possesions never tempt another to steal. + +If it is holy to be poor, may you be a saint among saints. + +Since poverty is no disgrace, may you never know shame. + +May you learn the secret of life in every dream, then forget it each time +you awaken. + +May you be invited to a banquet by the President and belch in his face. + +May you sleep on a bed of 8,000 rusty nails while bedbugs eat you alive, so +that you toss and turn all night. + +May your blood grow so healthy, your leecehs' leeches need leeches. + +May you be bled dry by leeches, but enough blood should be left over for +the bedbugs, lice, and mosquitoes to have a good meal too. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why do computers like humans? + +A: Because a human turns them on. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There was a young man from Rangoon, +Who's farts could be heard on the moon, +When you least would expect them, +They'd roar from his rectum, +With a sound like a double bassoon! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +On a trip to San Francisco, I dropped my wallet. Instead of picking it up, +I kicked it back across the bridge ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Ernest, recently married, came home from work one day and discovered his +supposed friend, Frank, in bed with Ernest's wife. "What are you doing?" +yelled Ernest. "Listening to the radio," said Frank. "But I don't hear any +music," said Ernest. Frank's answer was prompt, "That's because you're not +plugged in like I am!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What color is a bee? +A: Yellow. + +Q: How many wings does a bird have? +A: Two. + +Q: How many teeth does a cat have? +A: I don't know. + +That's you're problem: You know alot about the birds and the bees, but +you don't know anything about pussy ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A mouse walkede into a pub, approached the bar, and sat on a stool. Looking +down the bar he spotted a beautiful giraffe. "Hey bartender," the mouse said, +"Send that cute giraffe at the end of the bar a drink on me". The bartender +replied, "Listen buddy, every eligible man in the bar has tried to hit on +that giraffe all night long. She just isn't interested. Save your money." +But the mouse insisted, "Look pal, I know what I'm doing - just send the +lady a drink." Not wanting to start a fight, the bartender did as he was +told and, to his amazement, he noticed the mouse make eye contact with the +giraffe. The mouse moved down the bar and at on a stool next to the giraffe. +They began to talk, and pretty soon they left the bar together. The next day, +in walked the mouse, his clothes are a mess, his tail broken - he looked +just awful. The bartender exclaimed, "Jesus Christ mouse! What the hell +happened to you? You look like a drowned rat!" The mouse mumbled, "Well I'll +tell ya' pal, between smoochin' and fuckin' I must have run a thousand miles +last night ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A homosexual walked into a bar and said to the bartender,in a rather feminine +voice, "Where is everyone?" The bartender turns to the gay with a scowl and +said, "Out back hanging a fag." Suddenly, in a very deep masculine voice, +the gay replied, "No shit!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +While driving through a small town in Old Mexico, an American tourist blew +out a tire. It was during the siesta, so when he arrived at the gas station +a sign hanging in the door announced that the station was "Closed, come back +soon!" The tourist looked behind the station and saw a Mexican sleeping in +the shade of his burro. The sleeping Mexican being the only sign of life in +the small town, the tourist walked over to him. "Pardon me!" said the tourist +in typically tactful tourist fashion. Without even lifting his hat the little +Mexican said, "It's siesta time senor." "What time is this siesta over?" +demanded the tourist. The Mexican said, "At two o'clock, senor." Starting to +turn red, the tourist stammered, "And would you know what time it is NOW?" +So the Mexican lifted his hat, looked at the Burro, puts his hand under it's +balls, lifted slightly, and said, "Itz 1:30 senor." "You tell the time of day +by holding that ass's balls in your hand?" the amazed tourist replied. +"No senor - the balls was in the way of the clock on the station's wall ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +You know you're a redneck if ... + +... The primary color of your car is bondo. +... In your wedding picture you have a toothpick in your mouth. +... Your mama dont remove the marlboro from her lips before + telling the state trooper to kiss her ass! +... Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the + wheels off. +... You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre. +... You consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment. +... Less than half the cars you own run. +... Directions to you house include "turn off the paved road". +... You honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive + tounge gestures. +... Your family tree does not fork. +... Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. +... You've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba" during a piano recital. +... Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high-school + sports event. +... You've ever BBQ'd Spam on the grill. +... The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. +... Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. +... You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey & the +... Bandit was snubbed for best picture. +... The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones. +... You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. +... You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. +... Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. +... You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. +... Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an + opening on the lube rack. +... You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. +... You think Campho-phenique is a miricle drug. +... You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. +... You think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. +... You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. +... You've ever been too drunk to fish. +... You have a rag for a gas cap. +... Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the smelliest thing in the world? + +A: An anchovy's pussy. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What are the two words you don't want to hear when you're standing at a + public urinal? + +A: "Nice dick." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? + +A: Your wife will blow your bonus. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the most crooked thing in the world? + +A: A fart - it's pointed at your feet, but hits you in the nose. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Mr. Bus Driver began his route in the usual way one morning, although the +turnout was quite unique, here is his story: His bus was named the 'Sesame +Street Bus' - possibly after the street he lived on or from another source +somewhere in his youth. His first passengers for the day were two passen- +gers named Patty and Patty; yes, they were twins, and they were quite heavy. +The next stop was Mr. Bus Driver's favorite as Ross got on and said hello. +Though Ross was slow, he was a nice enough fellow. A new fellow who the +driver hadn't met before was introduced at the third stop (for the driver +as Lester Chin. Lester had a slight foot problem and after he got on the +bus, he proceded to remove his shoes and pick at the corns on his feet - +which the bus driver ignored, possibly because he was pretty disgusted. +It was near the end of the route, and the passengers were getting ready +to disembark, when Mr. Bus Driver pulled up alongside a fellow busdriver. +"What have you got today?" the other bus driver asked. Mr. Bus Driver +answered, "Two obese Pattys, special Ross, and Lester Chin picking bunyons +on the Sesame Street bus ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"HEL-L-LP!" the scream came from the bedroom. The man of the house ran to +see what was the matter. Just as he entered his bedroom, he saw a guy leap- +ing leaping out the window. His wife cried, "That guy just fucked me twice!" +"Twice?" the husband wondered, "Why didn't you call me in after he fucked +you the first time?" "Because," she replied "I thought it was you until he +started for the second time ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The newfie went to the zoo to feed the monkies. He threw a monkey a peanut. +The monkey picked up the peanut, stuck it in his ass, pulled it out, and +ate it. The newfie thought this was rather unusual, so he threw the monkey +another peanut. The monkey again picked up the peanut, stuck it in ass, +pulled it out, and ate it. The newfie laughed as told the zookeeper, "Ooh- +boy, that's one stupid monkey!" The zookeeper watched the monkey's routine +and replied, "No, that's a very smart monkey. Last week someone threw him a +big peach and he ate it whole. He couldn't pass the pit, so now he measures +everything first!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Tarzan was swinging through the jungle. He swooped down into a clearing and +where a beautiful girl was standing. "Me Tarzan! Who you?" he grunted. +"Jane," the beautiful girl cooed. "What whole name?" Tarzan demanded. +Embarasssed, she replied, "Cunt." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father, Dirty Ernie senior, +met for lunch. "Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating +you?" "Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior, "It seems I married a nun." +"A nun?" his father questioned. "That's right," moaned Ernie junior, "None +in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!" Dirty Ernie +senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times. +"Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?" +Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!" "Fine," replied Ernie +senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra +plates." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Stopping at the first house on his famous ride, Paul Revere cried, "Is your +husband home?" "Yes!" replied the woman. "Then tell him to get dressed so he +can fight the British!" At the second, third and fourth houses he asked the +same question, and got the same answer, and left the same instructions. At +the fifth house he shouted, "Is your husband home?" "No!" came the reply, +"He'll be gone all week." "Whoa-a-a!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the aggie that was fired from the M&M factory? He kept +throwing out the W's ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A little girl comes walking out of the bathroom and saw her mother making +a cake. She said, "Mommy, can I lick the bowl?" Her mother replied, "Can't +you just flush it like everyone else?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why are women like landfills? + +A: Because it's a great place for a guy to dump his load. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the difference between a whale and an Italian grandmother? + +A: Ten pounds and a black dress. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why should you stick a baby in a blender feet first? + +A: So you can see the expression on its face. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What is the definition of gross? + +A: Two siamese twins connected by the mouth and one throwing up. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A teacher was testing her class's ability to taste by giving them life- +savers. First, she gave them all red ones and their hands went up, "Cherry!" +"Very good," said the teacher. Next she gave them a white one and they +thought about it and finally one kid said, "Peppermint?" "Excellent," said +the teacher. Finally she gave them honey-flavored brown ones. They tasted +the lifesaver, but could not name the flavor. "I'll give you a clue, it's +something that your mommy calls your daddy." Suddenly Dirty Ernie shouted, +"Quick, spit them out! They're assholes!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The night was dark, +The sky was blue, +Down the alley the turd wagon flew! +A bump was hit, a scream was heard, +A man was killed by a flying turd! +Upon his tomb was plainly writ: +This Man Was Killed by Flying Shit! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend is having an orgasm? + +A: Real men don't care. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why is being in the service like getting a blow job? + +A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing panty hose? + +A: Her ankles swell up when she farts. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Whats the function of a woman? + +A: Life-support system for a pussy. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"Hole in the Mattress," by Mr. Completely. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband +never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her +to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.' The woman, somewhat +disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made +out ... The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they +really got it on ... The next day, she said 'what the hell,' and put the +entire bottle in ... A few days later, the doctor called to check on her +progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she +was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, +and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day, a teacher was testing the students' intelligence. "Okay class, I +have something behind my back which is rectangular, small and black. What +is it," she asked. "A chalkboard eraser," the class responded. "Yes, very +good. That shows you're thinking. Now, I've got something else behind my back +which is larger than the eraser, rectangular, and made of paper." "A book," +said one small boy. "Very good Johnny, that shows you're thinking." Then +Dirty Ernie jumped to his feet, stuck his hand in his pocket and said, "I've +got something in my hand which is long, stiff, and has a bright pink tip!" +"Ernie! You dirty little boy," shrieked the teacher. Said Ernie: "Naw, +it's just my pencil, but it shows you're thinking!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's red, hot, juicy, stinks and has hair on it? + +A: A dead skunk on a hot highway. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's grosser than nailing a dead baby to a tree? + +A: Pulling it off. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's pink and red and hangs from the phone line? + +A: A baby that was hit by a snowblower. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's grosser than running over a baby with a semi? + +A: Picking it out of the grooves on the tires. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day a little boy was peeking at his sister through the window while she +peed. He noticed she farted as she peed. That evening he asked his dad, "Why +does sis fart when she pees?" To which his dad replied, "Well, ya see women +aren't like us, they can't shake theirs off, so they have to blow dry them- +selves." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do you know when your sister is on her period? + +A: Your father's dick tastes funny. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? + +A: You don't bother calling him, he won't come any way. + +But, when I was a kid, we had a dog with no legs. His name was 'Cigarette.' +Every afternoon we took him out for a drag ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the definition of confusion? + +A: 200 blind lesbians at a fish market. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A proper business man met a beautiful chorus girl, who agreed to spend the +night with him for a fee of $500. When he was ready to leave, he told her he +did not have the cash with him, but he would have his secretary mail her a +check calling it, "Rent for Apartment." On his way to the office he decided +that the whole thing was not worth the price he had agreed to pay, so he +decided to send her a check for $250.00 for rent of her apartment, along +with a note: + + I was under the impression that: + 1. It had never been occupied + 2. There would be plenty of heat + 3. It was a small apartment + + Last night I found it had been occupied + and there was not any heat; also, it was + entirely too large. + +Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 +with the following note: + + Dear Sir: + 1. I can not understand how you expected + such a beautiful apartment to remain + unoccupied. + 2. As for the heat, there is plenty of it - + if only you knew how to turn it on. + 3. As for the size of it, it was not my + fault you didn't have enough furniture + to fill my apartment. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A preacher stopped at the butcher shop one afternoon to get some meat for +the evening meal. He said to the butcher, "May I have a pound of ham, +please." The butcher said, "OK, Reverend, a pound of Dam Ham." The preacher +became upset and questioned the butcher as to why a church going man would +speak to a man of the cloth like that. The butcher said, "I'm sorry Reverend, +you misunderstood. That is the name of the product, 'Dam Ham.'" With that, +appologies were made and off the preacher went. + +When he got home, the preacher said, "I'm home dear - and I brought the Dam +Ham." She looked at him like he had gone crazy, but he explained that was +the name of the ham. + +At dinner that evening, the family gathered at the table and heads were +bowed for the blessing. Upon the word 'Amen,' all looked up and the preacher +said, "Well dear, how about passing me some of that Dam Ham." With that, +Junior, who had not eaten all day, said, "And how about passing some of them +fucking potatoes?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How many Teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb? + +A Fifteen; you got a problem with that? + +Q: When will I have light? + +A: When we're damn good and ready! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? + +A: None of your fucking business. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A girl went to her doctor and asked, "Doctor, is it possible to get pregnant +through anal intercourse?" The doctor replied, "Yes, my dear, where do you +think lawyers come from?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about Hellen Keller? She fell down a well and broke three fin- +gers yelling for help. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The three biggest lies Mexican men tell: + +Yo mando aqui! = I'm the boss in this house. +Horita bengo. = I'll be right back. +Nomas la cabesita. = Just the head. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a feather up his ass? + +A: A dart. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A guy opened up a new bar, but he couldn't think of a name for it, so one +of his friends suggested that he name the bar after the first lady to walk +in. "Good idea," replied the proud owner. Later that day a young lady, wear- +ing a small, tight mini-skirt that revealed velvety, tanned legs, walked +in and applied for a job as a cocktail waitress. The owner said she had a +job if she would let him name the bar after her. And so it was that the bar +became known as 'Judith's Legs.' A few weeks later two bums were loitering +outside the bar. A cop came by and asked the bums what they were doing. +One of the bums relied, "I'm waiting for 'Judith's Legs' to open so I can +get a drink ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's worse than a guitar string breaking in the middle of a tune? + +A: Having an organ go flat on you in the middle of a piece. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day, a man from Tennessee was pulled over for speeding. While the +officer was writing a citation, he noticed the makings of a moonshine still +in the back seat. As he slapped the cuffs on the driver, the cop recited, +"You're under arrest for a Section 1301 - Posession of Moonshine Equipment." +"Wail hail," drawled the driver, "ya'll might as well arrest me foh rape - +Ah got all thuh right equipment foh thut too!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Kid: "Mommy, mommy, I don't want hamburgers!" + +Mommy: "Shut up and put your hand back in the meat grinder!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +During Jesus' crucifixion, a mob of angry people gathered at the base of the +hill that his cross sat on top of. The guards kept all of them back, includ- +ing his disciples. Jesus raised his head up and called "John! John! come to +me!" John fought his way bravely through the angry mob and almost reached +the top of the hill when the guards caught him and hurled him back down. As +John lay on the earth, Jesus again called out to him, "John! Come to me!" +John bravely fought his way into the mob, up the hill and past the guards - +almost reaching the base of the cross. The guards again caught him and hurled +him back into the mob. "John! Come to me John! Come to me," Jesus cried. This +time nothing would stop him; John pushed his way through the crowd, fought +off the guards, and reached the cross that his Master was on. Then he +kneeled, "It is I Lord, John, what is it you wish?" Jesus looked at him +and smiled, "Look John, Look! I can see your house from up here!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day a guy lost his dick in an auto accident. He went to the doctor to +get it replaced and the doctor pulled out a drawer with replacement dicks +in it. "Those look o.k.," the unfortunate victim said, "but as long I have +the opportunity, I want something a bit longer." "Sure," the Doc replied as +he pulled out another drawer. "Well," the guy said, "those are pretty hefty, +but what I had in mind was something truly spectacular!" The doctor grunted +and begrudgingly opened a third drawer. "Now you're talking, Doc. That's +exactly what I had in mind, but tell me, you got any in white?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day a guy was sitting on a bus next to an old lady who was filling out +a crossword puzzle. Just when he thought the trip was getting boring when the +old lady leaned over and asked, "Excuse me, but can you help me with this +puzzle?" "Why sure," said the guy, "What do you need help with?" "I'm look- +ing for a word that describes what's on the bottom of a bird cage and ends +with 'it'," said the old lady. "That's easy, 'grit'," answered the guy. +"Oh, I see," said the old lady, "Can I borrow your eraser for a second?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the study the U.S. government did to discover why the +a man's penis has a head on it? It took them five years and five million +dollars to discover that it's there for a woman's satisfaction. After hear- +ing these results, the Canadian government did a study which took one year +and cost one million dollars. They discovered that the head of the penis is +there for the man's pleasure. After hearing this, the Polish government +spent twenty minutes and $1.49 to discover that men have a head on their +penii to keep their hands from sliding off. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + University of Miami Hurricanes + Football Schedule + +September 7 Pueblo Junior High School +September 14 Cub Scout Troop #101 +September 21 Colorado State Blind Academy +October 5 Spanish American War Veterans +October 12 St. Jude's Ladies Knitting Circle +October 26 Denver's Home for Wayward Girls +November 2 Girl Scout Troop #69 +November 9 Boulder VD Clinic +November 16 Colorado Springs Midget Academy +November 23 Korean War Amputees +November 30 Dallas Cowboys (Cheerleaders) + + Monday Night Games + +August 31 Kick-Off Classic Crippled Children's Home +December 17 Toilet Bowl Daughter's of the American Revolution + + Rule Changes From Last Year + +1) When playing polio victims, the Hurricanes cannot disconnect their braces + unless trailing by 10 points or more. +2) When playing scouts, the Hurricanes are not allowed to eat all of their + cookies. +3) When playing blind teams, the Hurricanes are not allowed to hide the foot- + ball under their jerseys. +4) When playing amputees, no protests allowed about players with one leg + being harder to tackle. +5) The Hurricanes will be allowed 27 men on the field at all times. +6) The Hurricanes will be allowed to substitute with band members and/or + cheerleaders at any time during the game. +7) The Hurricanes will be given a first down with each gain of three or more + yards. + + Rules Same As Last Year + +A touchdown, for those Hurricanes who can count that high, is still six +points. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day three school boys were discussing which way you enter heaven first. +The first boy said, "You enter with your hands first because you're praying +to God as you go up." The second one argued, "No, no. You enter with your +head first because you're thinking about God and God is in your mind." The +third one retorted, "No, no, no. You enter with your feet first." Puzzled, +the other two boys inquired, "Feet first? How do you figure that?" To which +the boy replied, "Well, the other morning I walked in on mommy and daddy, +and mommy had her feet way up in the air as she was screaming, 'Oh God, I'm +coming!'" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? + +A: A german shepard. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Whats the difference between Robin Givens and a backpacker? + +A: One pulls a muscle on a hike, the other pulls a hussle on a Mike. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Do you know what a woman says after good sex? + +(pause for negative answer) + +A: I didn't think so! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Said Saddam, the Iraqi from Hell, +"By invading Kuwait I'll do well!" +Oh, he made such a rout, +But the ones who made out, +Were Texaco, Exxon and Shell. + +(By Larry Firrantello) + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? + +A: You can unscrew a lightbulb. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A barber nicked a customer rather badly while giving him a shave. Hoping to +make amends, the barber asked, "Do you want your head wrapped in a towel?" +"No thanks," replied the customer. "I'll carry it home under my arm!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The golfer hit the ball and it slammed into a tree and came right back at +him. He doubled up in pain and as he was moaning and moaning a foursome of +nurses came by. One of the nurses ran over to him and said, "Here, let me +help you!" The golfer was so embarrassed that he protested he would be +alright soon. The nurse said, "But I know just what to do to help you stop +hurting." So she had him lie down and she proceeded to undo his belt and +zip down his pants. She took his penis in her hand and began to rub it and +after a little while she said, "There now. Doesn't that feel better?" The +golfer replied, "Yes, but my finger still hurts like hell!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What would you rather be: a light bulb or a bowling ball? + +A: It depends on whether you'd rather be screwed or fingered. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How many drunken Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? + +A: 101 - One to hold it and 100 to drink till the room spins around. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The joke is in your momma's mouth ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A young couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they +undressed for bed, the husband who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants +to his bride and said, "Here, put these on". She put them on, but the waist +was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's +right," said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the +pants in this family!" With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try +these on." He tried them on but found that he could only get them on as far +as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants." She said, +"That's right, and that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude +changes ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's worse than a joke about shit? + +A: A joke about shit thats corny. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man got drunk one night, went home and crawled into bed with his wife. +Lying in bed, he let out a fart. "What the hell was that," his wife asked. +"I'm playing football," he said, "The score is 6-0." His wife thought +(Okay, you smart ass. I'll show you) and she let loose a fart of her own. +"I'm playing too," she said. "The score's 6-6 now." The man laughed and +tried to work up a real blaster but, to his dismay, he shit in the bed +instead. "Halftime," he said. "We change sides." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The fireman told his wife, "From now on we're going to do things right - by +the bells, like we do it at the firehouse. When I ring one bell, you meet me +at the door with a kiss. Two bells means you head for the bedroom. Three +bells means you undress. Four bells means you jump into bed and do what +women do best." Things go according to plan, except the wife picked up the +bell while they were in the sack one night and rang it five times. "What +the hell does that mean," the fireman asked. The wife replied, "That means +reel out more hose, you aren't close enough to the fire." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Anal Sex: The man in the moon. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +More fine literature: + +"V.D." (Dick Hertz) + +"Treasue in the Outhouse" (I. P. Gold) + +"Male Anatomy" (Hugh G. Rection) + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why are camels called 'The ships of the desert'? + +A: Because they are full of Iraqi semen! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + THE BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR + +One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT O'HONEY, so he took MARY JANE behind +the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her +MOUNDS. It was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out a +SNICKER as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICYFRUIT and caused a MILKY WAY. +She screamed "OH HENRY!" as she squeezed his PETER PAUL and ZAGNUTS. MARY +JANE said, "You are even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS." Soon she was a +bit CHUNKY and nine months later had a BABY RUTH. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One fine day in the summer of 1980, a Polish architect gathered thousands +and thousands of Polish steelworkers, carpenters, etc. and said to them, +"We have to do something about the way the world looks at Poland! We should +build the biggest bridge in the world, bigger than any other, then they will +respect us, so go to it ... for Poland!" So the inspired laborers went off +and come back 10 years later. The foreman announced, "We have built the +biggest bridge in the world, bigger than any other!" The architect of the +idea asked, "Well where is it, across the Atlantic?" + +"No, not quite that big." + +"Across the Mediterranean?" + +"No, not there either." + +"Then where the hell is it!?" + +"It is in the middle of the Sahara desert," said the foreman proudly. + +"What?", said the archtitect in disbelief. "Quick, take it down before +someone sees it. Blow it up if you have to!" + +So the foreman left. Soon he came back and said, "We can't." + +"Why not?" is the replied the angry architect. + +"Because," explained the foreman, "there are 500 Italians fishing off of +it!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE TURNING REPUBLICAN + + (By Dave Barry) + +The Republicans have a high Beady-eyed, self-righteous, scary, borderline loon +quotient, as evidenced by Phyllis Schlafly, Pat Robertson, and the entire +state of Utah, etc. It's very common for people reaching middle age to turn +into Republicans. It can happen overnight. You go to bed as your regular old +T-shirt-wearing self, and you wake up the next morning with Ralph Lauren +clothing and friends named "Muffy". Here are some other signs to watch for: + + -- You find yourself judging political candidates solely on the + basis of whether or not they'd raise your taxes. "Well", you + say, "He *was* convicted in those machete slaying, but at least + he won't raise my taxes." + + -- You start clapping wrong to music. This is something I've noticed + about Republicans at the conventions. The band will start playing + something vaguely upbeat - a real GOB rocker such as "Bad, Bad + Leroy Brown" - and the delegates will decide to get funky and + clap along, and it immediately becomes clear that they all suffer + from a tragic Rhythm Deficiency, possibly caused by years of + dancing the Bunny Hop to bands with names like "Leon Wudge and + His Sounds of Clinical Depression." To determine whether Repub- + lican Rhythm Impairment is afflicting you, you should take the + Ray Charles Clapping Test. All you do is hum the song "Hit the + Road Jack" and clap along. A rhythmically normal person will + clap as follows: "Hit the road, (clap, clap)." (By the way, if + you don't even *know* the song "Hit the Road Jack," then not + only are you a Republican, but you might even be Cabinet + material.) + +I'll tell you what's weird. Not only is our generation turning into Repub- +licans, but we also have a whole generation coming after us that's starting +*out* as Republicans. With the exception of a few dozen spittle-emitting +radicals I saw at the 1988 Democratic convention in Atlanta, the younger +generations today are already so conservative they make William F. Buckley +Jr. look like Ho Chi Minh. What I'm wondering is, what will they be like +when they are our age? Will they, too, change their political philosophy? +Will millions of young urban professionals turn 40 and all of a sudden start +turning into left-wing anti-establishment hippies, smoking pot on the +racquetball court and putting Che Guevara posters up in the conference room +and pasting flower decals all over their cellular telephone? It will be an +exciting time to look forward to. I plan to be dead. + +("Dave Berry Turns 40") + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Once upon a time a sailor ran into his doctor's office and begged him for +help. He pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his dick, which was +sporting a ruby red ring around the tip. He asked the doctor if there was +any cure for this strange VD that had appeared. The doctor just smiled, +soaked a cloth in alcohol, and rubbed the end of the dick three times. The +sailor looked down and saw that the ring was gone. Ecstatic, he paid the +doctor and ran off to catch his ship. A few months later, another sailor +came to the doctor and said to him: "A few months back, my buddy came here +with a ring around his dick, and he said you just rubbed it three times and +he was cured. Well, I have a similar problem ..." The sailor pulled down +his pants and showed off his dick, which was sporting an emerald green ring +around the tip. Well, the doctor just reached into a pocket, took out a large +knife, and with one whack cut off the sailor's dick. "What did you do that +for!?" screamed the sailor in agony. "Your buddy had lipstick around his +dick," explained the doctor, "You had gangrene." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One night an elderly couple was sitting on the front porch in their rocking +chairs. All of a sudden, the old woman leaned over and knocked the crap out +of the old man. The old man, laying on the ground asked, "What was that for?" +The old woman answered, "That's for having such a small sex organ all these +years." So the old man got back on his rocker again. After a few minutes the +old man leaned over and knocked the crap out of the old lady. The old lady +said, "What the heck was that for?" The old man replied, "For knowing the +damn difference." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why don't mexicans have checking accounts? + +A: It's hard to spray paint your name on that little line. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Last year a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out +he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a +twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he was being examined +the doctor shoved the muffin, the twinkie, and finally the cookie up the +guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it +was part of the therapy. This treatment continued for several weeks and every +time the doctor shoved a muffin, a twinkie and a cookie up his ass. Finally, +after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a +twinkie and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the +doctor shoved only the muffin and the twinkie up the patient's ass. After a +few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's +my cookie!?" + +WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + MEDICAL TERMS FOR THE LAYMAN, KENTUCKY STYLE + +Artery................... The study of fine pictures. +Barium................... What you do when the C.P.R. fails. +Cesarean Section......... A business district in Rome, Italy. +Colic.................... A type of sheep dog. +Coma..................... A punctuation mark. +Congenital............... Friendly. +Dilate................... To live longer. +Fester................... Quicker. +G.I. Series.............. A baseball game between teams of soldiers. +Grippe................... A suitcase. +Hangnail................. A coat hook. +Medical Staff............ A doctor's walkin cane. +Minor Operation.......... Coal digging. +Morbid................... A higher offer. +Nitrate.................. A lower bid than the day rate. +Node..................... Was aware of it. +Organic.................. A church musician. +Orgasm................... Japanese art of folding paper. +Outpatient............... A person who has fainted. +Post-Operative........... A letter carrier. +Protein.................. In favor of young people. +Secretion................ Hiding anything. +Serology................. Study of English Knighthood. +Tablet................... A small table. +Tumor.................... An extra pair. +Urine.................... Opposite of Your Out. +Varicose Veins........... Veins which are very close together. +Benign................... What you are after you are eight. + +It is important as an med student in Kentucky to remember the four basic +rules: + +1) Speak slow with small words. + +2) Place a rolled up tissue in your lip so your speech pattern resembles + someone from Kentucky. + +3) A hillbilly male is not commotose, that is just their normal lifestyle. + +4) A young Kentucky girl is not a virgin unless she has no brothers. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Did you hear that Ronald McDonald was arrested? + +A: He tried to stick his big mac in Wendy's hot and juicy. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A polish guy walked into a store and said to the clerk, "I would like to buy +a pound of kielbasa." "You must be polish," the clerk replied. The polish +guy, getting a little irritated, responded, "Why do you say that? If I +ordered pasta would you say I was Italian?" "No," said the clerk. "If I +ordered matzoh ball soup, would you say I was jewish?" "No," said the clerk. +"If I ordered a crossaint, would you say I was french?" "No," said the clerk. +"Then what makes you think I'm polish?" "Because this is a hardware store." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A police man pulls over a jewish man driving on the freeway and said "Mister, +did you know your wife fell out of the car half a mile back?" The jewish man +said, "Thank god, for a moment there, I thought I was going deaf!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How many fraternity guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? + +A: Frat guys don't screw in lightbulbs - they screw in pools of their own + vomit. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo? + +A: In a straight rodeo they yell, "Ride that sucker!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What is long and pink and drags the ocean floor? + +A: Moby's dick. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I know a guy so dumb, he thinks 'innuendo' is an Italian suppository. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why did the possum cross the road? +A: I don't know, haven't seen one make it yet. + +Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? +A: To prove to the possum that it could be done. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +If Saddam Hussien were to pull out of Kuwait right now, it would be an +example of Kuwaitus Interruptus. + +He would still be put in jail for Saddamizing Kuwait. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Sex is better than logic but I can't prove it. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by +dressing exactly alike. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Old Mother Hubbard, +Went to the cupboard, +To get her poor dog a bone. +When she bent over, +Rover drove her, +Because Rover had a bone of his own! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Bigamy is one wife too many. +Monogamy is the same thing. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why a man would want to marry one wife is a mystery. + +Marrying two is a bigamystery. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW + WHEN TRAVELING IN + MOSLEM AREAS + + +"Akbar khali-kili haftir lotfan" = (Thank you for showing me your marvelous + gun) + +"Fekr gabul cardan davat paeh gush divar" = (I am delighted to accept your + kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my + arms above my head and my legs apart) + +"Shomaeh fekr tamomeh oeh gofteh bande" = (I agree with everything you have + ever said or thought in your life) + +"Auto arraregh davateman mano sepheh-hast" = (It is exceptionally kind of you + to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car) + +"Khrel jepaheh maneh vajateii amrikahey" = (I will tell you the names and + addresses of many American spies traveling as + reporters) + +"Balli, balli, balli!" = (Whatever you say!) + +"Maternier ghermez ahlieh, ghorban" = (The red blindfold would be lovely, + excellency) + +"Tikeh nuneh ba ob khrelleh bezorg va khrube boyast ino begeram" = (The + water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank + you. I must have the recipe) + +"Fashaleh tupeman na degat mano goftan cheeshayeh mohemara jebehkeshv + arehman" = (If you will do me the kindness of not harming my + genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by + betraying my country in public. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two inhabitants of hell were taking a walk when a frigid breeze blew by. +Then a storm dumped several inches of snow. The men looked around in amaze- +ment. "What's going on?" one asked. "Only thing I can figure," replied his +companion, "is that the Cubs just won the World Series." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A pair of martians landed on a country road on Earth in the middle of the +night. "Where are we?" one martian asked. "I think we're in a cemetary," +replied the other, "Look at the gravestone over there - that man lived to +be 108." "What's his name?" "Miles from Omaha." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"Oh, what a lovely cow!" exclaimed the young woman from the city. "But why +doesn't it have any horns?" "There are many reasons," said the farmer. "Some +cows don't have them until later in life. Others have them removed, while +other breeds are born without them. This cow doesn't have any horns because +it's a horse." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Dirty Ernie was sitting in school, in Oklahoma, on a reservation. It was the +last day of school. The teacher said, "I will ask questions, and when you +give me the right answer you can go home for the summer." The first question +she asked was, "Who was the first president of the U.S.?" Ernie knew, and +raised his hand, but the teacher called on a little indian girl. The girl +said, "George Washington," and went home. All day long Ernie knew the +answers, but the teacher kept calling on the indian children. Finally the +teacher asked, "Who is the current president of the U.S.?" Ernie raised his +hand. Again the teacher called upon an indian child. Fed up, Dirty Ernie +yelled out, "Where the hell did all these damn indians come from?" "Who said +that!" the teacher glared around the room. Ernie said "General Custer at +Little Big Horn - I'm going home!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do we know that a greek designed the female body? + +A: Who else would put the snack bar right next to the shit house? + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer? + +A: You take your boots off before you jump on a trampoline. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +You know you're a redneck if: + +Your Truck has curtains, but your house doesn't. +Your porch collapses, and it kills more than seven dogs. +Every car you've ever owned is in your backyard. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q. Whats the -height- of nerve? + +A. Shitting on someone's doorstep, then ringing the bell and asking for + toilet paper. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There was a pod of whales in the water. One whale spotted a boat. He said +to his buddy, "That's the boat that killed Moby Dick!" "You know," said the +other whale, "I know how we can get back at them ... All we do is swim down +deep and come up under them and give them a good blow of water!" So the +whales went deep down into the water, came up under the ship, and gave a +good blow. The ship went up in the air and came crashing down - making the +sailors fall into the water. The first whale said to the second, "Now we can +eat the sailors!" The second whale replied, "Look, I don't mind giving a good +blow, but I refuse to eat sea men!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q. How do you circumsize a whale? + +A. Send down four skindivers. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A: What is the difference between Ted Kennedy and the Iraqi elite Republican + Guard? + +A: Ted Kennedy killed an American. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Speaking of Dan Quayle, did you hear about the tragedy in Washington the +other day? There was a power failure and poor VP Quayle was stuck on an +escalator for over two hours. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Regarding the abortion controversy, someone once asked Quayle his opinion +of Rowe vs. Wade. He replied that it depended on how deep the water was. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There once was a man who had a very well developed liking for beans (green +beans, wax beans, kidney beans, limas - it didn't matter which, he liked +them all). He would go out of his way to get a good bowl of beans. There +came a day, however, when he had to forsake his beloved beans for his only +other love - the girl he was to marry. He did without his beans for several +years. Then, one day, which happened to be his birthday, he was walking home +from work when he passed a small roadside cafe which was having a special +on ... baked beans! "Since it's my birthday," he thought, "I deserve a +special present. I'll have enough time to get rid of the after effects +before I get home, so I'll treat myself to a steaming bowl of those beans!" +So he went in and had bowl, after bowl, after bowl of them. He then pro- +ceeded to lay a noxious vapor trail all the way home. When he arrived at +home, his wife met him outside the door with a blindfold, saying, "I don't +want you to see your surprise." After blindfolding him, she led him into +the dining room, seated him at the table and left, saying, "I have to get +the rest of your surprise." While she was gone, he felt the urge to get +rid of some of the tremendous pressure that was building up, so he lifted +one leg to get some relief. He didn't get enough leverage, so he lifted +the other leg, and proceeded to rip a prolonged, and very wet, fart. Soon +he heard his wife returning, so he straightened his pants legs, waved the +air, and settled himself. When his wife returned, she removed his blind- +fold to reveal a melted birthday cake and his friends passed out around +the table. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's he smartest kind of bee? + +A: A spelling bee. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What kind of bugs live on the moon? + +A: Luna ticks. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The sign in front of a New Hampshire church proclaimed, "If you're tired of +sin, come in." Underneath it someone had scrawled in lipstick, "If you're +not, call Marie at 624-8971." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two rich young women, Tina and Buffy, were watching a TV show about the +French Revolution. "There's one thing that puzzles me," Buffy said, "If +they were so poor, how could they afford all of that antique furniture?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why is the gun on welfare? + +A: It got fired. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Where do young cows eat? + +A: At the Calf-eteria. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Where do cows go after they get married? + +A: On a honey-moo. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? + +A: To get to the other slide. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A bum walked into a bar and sat down next to a drunk who was studying some- +thing in his hand. The bum leaned closer as the drunk held the object up to +the light. "Well, it looks like plastic," the drunk said. Then he rolled it +around in his fingers and added, "And it feels like rubber." Curious, the +bum asked, "What do you have there?" The drunk shook his head. "Damned if +I know. It looks like plastic and feels like rubber." The bum said, "Let +me take a look." He examined it, rolled it between his fingers and said, +"Yeah, you're right. It does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I +don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" The drunk replied, "Out of +my nose." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +She was so fat and ugly that she got on the scale and a card came out +reading, "One at a time!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call a lawyer that is sitting on the grass? + +A: Fertilizer. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What can you do with 365 used rubbers? + +A: Recycle them into a tire and call it a GOOD-YEAR. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two clams named Sam and Thelma Clam were basking in the surf, when a dune +buggy ran over them and killed them both. So they went up to Clam Heaven +and St. Peter Clam said, "Thelma you've been a good clam so here's your +wings, and a harp, and you can go into Heaven, but Sam, you've been a bad +clam: drinkin, carousing, carryin on, and hanging out with squids and lob- +sters, so you have to go to Hell!" Well Sam , being industrious went down +below and opened up a Clam Discotheque. Was doing very well thank you - +lots of young clams etc. After a couple of months, Thelma started to get +lonely. She approached St. Peter Clam and asked if she could visit Sam. +Pete replied, "Okay, but be sure to take your Harp, that's kinda your +passport back and forth - and make sure you come back in a week!" So +Thelma spent a week with Sam at his discotheque. They had a great time, +partying all night long. When she arrived back at the pearly gates, she +was greeted by St. Peter Clam who said, "Thelma, you look terrible - +you're all tired, your halo is crooked and where's your harp? She replied, +"Oh, No! I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A missionary in a remote jungle outpost found himself face to face with a +ferocious lion. Knowing he was doomed for certain, he kneeled down and said +his prayers. To his astonishment, the lion too kneeled quietly. "Praise God! +This is a miracle!" the joyous missionary shouted. "Quiet!" growled the lion, +"I'm saying grace ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The elderly woman accidentally dropped her handkerchief as she put some +coins into the beggar's cup. He gallantly stooped to pick it up. "Why you're +not blind!" she exclaimed. "No," he said, "I'm working for my brother. It's +his day off." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I wish people would make up their minds. Every time I ask what time it is, +I get a different answer. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Years ago, when he was managing the last-place New York Mets, Casey Stengel +was approached by an excited scout. "Listen, I just saw a guy who struck out +27 batters. No one even hit the ball until there was two out in the ninth, +and he only hit a foul. Should I sign the pitcher?" "Forget the pitcher," +Casey replied, "Get the guy who hit the foul! We need hitters ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A woman seated at the movies was surprised to find, sitting in the two +adjacent seats, a man with his arm around a sheep dog. All through the +movie, she noticed the dog watching the picture with apparent understanding +- snarling when the villain appeared, yelping happily at the funny parts. At +the end of the movie, she tapped the man on the shoulder. "I just can't get +over how much your dog enjoyed the movie," she said. "It surprises me too," +the man answered, "He absolutely despised the book." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The man at the bar casually leaned over and asked a woman passing by, +"Excuse me, miss, do you have the time?" "What?" she said loudly, "How dare +you proposition me!" Noticing that every eye in the place turned toward him, +the man mumbled, "I just asked the time, miss." "I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF +YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!" she shrieked, even louder this time. Mortally +embarrassed, the man slunk off to a corner of the bar. A few minutes later, +the young woman approached him with an apology. "You'll have to excuse me," +she said. "I'm writing a doctoral thesis on the response of human beings to +sudden shocking statements." The man looked at her curiously, then said in +his loudest voice, "YOU'LL DO ALL THAT, ALL NIGHT, FOR JUST TEN DOLLARS?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three college students shared an apartment. Every night one of the guys +would go out and get drunk, come home at 2:00 AM, and puke in the kitchen +sink. The other two guys were getting plenty upset so they decided to play +a joke on him. They went to the butcher shop and asked for 2 pounds of +chicken guts. After the guy went out they poured the chicken guts in the +sink. That night, the third guy comes in precisely at 2:00 AM and starts +puking in the sink. After a few moments everything was quite. About an +hour later they heard the guy going to bed. The next morning he told the +other two guys what had happened: "I gotta quit drinking. This morning I +came in and puked my guts out. It took me an hour to get 'em all back in +again." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What has four legs and one arm? + +A: A very happy pitbull. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day a lady was inside of an elevator and she had to fart really bad. She +thought to herself, 'What am I going to do if someone comes in and smells it. +I'm going to be so embarrassed.' Then she thought, 'If I spray this can of +pine air freshener no one will ever know what I did.' So she farted and one +floor later a biker stepped in and the lady said, "What does it smell like +in here?" The biker replied, "It smells like someone shit a Christmas tree." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +On this farm there used to be a cat and a rooster, but the rooster and the +cat didn't get along very well. The cat was nosey about where the rooster +went everyday, but the rooster wouldn't tell him anything at all and this +made the cat mad. So one day the cat decided to follow the rooster to see +where it was he went everyday. He followed the rooster to a stream where +the rooster would jump across, but the cat was afraid of falling in. This +went on about a week and then the one day the rooster saw the cat follow +him and stop at the stream, too afraid to cross over. The rooster started +jumping back and fourth across the stream teasing the cat because he was +afraid to jump over. This made the cat very mad and he decided if the +rooster could do it then so could he. The cat got a running start and +jumped, but landed in the middle of the stream where he drowned. The +moral of this story is that for every happy cock there is a wet pussy. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There men died and went to hell. Satan met them at the gates and said, "All +three of you weren't bad enough to go straight to Hell, so you get another +chance. If you can tell me something I can't do you can go to Heaven." The +first man said, "Make a car made of solid gold that runs on gasoline." +Satan did and the man went into Hell. The second man said, "Make a house +of solid silver." Satan did and the guy went into Hell. The last man was +a biker and he was laughing. Satan said, "How can you laugh when you are +at the gates of hell?" The biker stopped laughing, farted, and said, "Catch +it." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the difference between a fox and a dog? + +A: Five drinks. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's polish and has an IQ of 180? + +A: A village. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day Joe came hobbling in the club house with a 7 iron wrapped around his +neck. Of course everyone was curious as to what happened to poor ol' Joe. +Sam asked, "What happened to you?" In a raspy whisper, Joe told this tale +of woe: + + I was teeing off on the 5th hole and I shagged my ball out into + this field of cows. I went over the fence and was looking for my + ball when this lady on the 12th tee shagged her ball into this + same field. So we're both looking for our balls when I happened + to see this one cow acting a little different than the rest. I + went over and raised its tail and damned if there wasn't a golf + ball stuck in its asshole. So I hollered at the lady, "Hey lady, + does this look like yours?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A COWBOY'S VIEW OF REINCARNATION + + (By Wally McRee) + +"What's reincarnation?" a cowboy asked his friend. His old pal told him: + + It starts when your life comes to it's end: They comb your + hair and wash your neck and clean your fingernails and put + you in a padded box, away from life's travails. Then the box + and you goes in a hole that's been dug into the ground. + Reincarnation starts when you're planted beneath that mound. + Them clods melt down, just like that box and you inside - and + that's when you're beginning your transformation ride. And in + awhile the grass will grow upon your rendered mound until some- + day upon that spot a lonely flower is found. And then a "hoss" + done eat it along with his other feed - makes bone and fat + essential to the steed - but there's a part that the horse can't + use and so it passes through and there it lies upon the ground. + This thing that once was you, and if by chance I should pass by + and see this on the ground, I'll stop awhile and I'll ponder at + this object that I've found. And I'll think about reincarnation + and life and death and such, and I'll come away concludin' "Why, + you ain't changed all that much!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + ___ _ / \ _ ___ + / \__/ \__/----\__/ \_/ \ + | |0 0 | + \ _| __ / + \_______/ | | \_______/ + / _/\ + __/ _/| | ||| + /) (o _/___| |____ |___| + \ / / \ / + \__/ | |\_____/ + |WHATSAMATTA| + | U | + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal. +"Your wife makes a delicious roast," one chief said. "Thanks," his friend +said. "I'm gonna miss her." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Have You heard about the new cereal that's advertised a lot on TV, called +"Nut 'N' Honey"? Well, the same company is now marketing a similar new +cereal, aimed for the inner-city residents. It's called "Nut 'N' Bitch!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the worst thing about screwing a cow? + +A: You have to get off the stump and run around front every time you want + to kiss her. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +English Teacher Joke: + +Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate clauses. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What should you do if you wife has an epileptic seizure in the bathtub? + +A: Throw in the laundry. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There were these three old guys sitting around at a rest home, discussing +their health. The first guy, 70 years old, said, "I just wish I was still +able to take a good piss." The second guy, 80 years old, said, "Yeah, me +too, but more than anything, I wish I could still take a good shit." The +third old codger, at 90 years of age, said, "I take a good piss every morn- +ing about 7:30. Then, about 9:20, I take a good shit. I just wish I could +wake up earlier than eleven ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? + +A: Two, but I don't know how they got in there. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man and his wife were traveling through Kansas on a hot day; when they +stopped for gas the wife stayed in the car with the windows up and the air +conditioning going, while the husband stepped out to talk to the man servic- +ing the car. The gas jockey asked the husband where they were from and the +husband said, "Texas." The wife knocked on the window and yelled, "What did +he say?" "He asked where we were from." The gas jockey asked, "Where in +Texas?" "Ft. Worth." The wife knocked on the window and yelled, "What did +he say?" "He asked where in Texas." The gas jockey said, "Ft. Worth, Texas +... I been there. That's where I had the worst piece of ass I ever got in my +life!" The wife knocked on the window and yelled, "What did he say?" "He +said that he thinks he knows you!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the difference between meat and fish? + +A: If you beat your fish, your fish will die. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do we know girls aren't made of sugar and spice? + +A: Because they taste like anchovies. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A doctor was taking a group of interns on rounds at a hospital. All of a +sudden, another intern came racing down the corridor, shouting "Quick, doc- +tor, give me a pen!" The doctor reached into his pocket and handed the intern +something. The intern looked at the object and said, "Doctor, this isn't a +pen. It's a rectal thermometer." The doctor looked at the thermometer and +exclaimed, "Dammit, some asshole has my pen!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day a kid came home and yelled, "Ma, Ma, I had sex for the first time +today!" The mother was outraged and sent the kid upstairs to his room. When +the father got home, the mother explained the situation, whereupon the +father marched staright up the stairs to his son's room. "I Hear you had +sex, son." said the father in a stern voice. "Yeah ..." "Way to go! Now +you're a man! I'm proud of you son." The next day at work the father told +the guys at work about his 'improved' son. That night he came home from +work and again went to his son's room. "So, son, did you have sex again +today?" "No Dad; my asshole is still sore from yesterday ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There once was an career aggie who was well into his 12th year at A&M. His +father, an arch-supporting alumni, was growing tired of his son not having +graduated yet. He himself took only 10 years. So he pressured the dean to +simply graduate his son and be done with it. Not wanting to give preferen- +tial treatment to the rich alumni, but still wanting his substantial finan- +cial support, the dean decided to test the boy and, if he passed the exam, +then he would grant him his graduate degree. So the dean called the son +into his office and explained the matter, telling him he only had three +questions and that it was an overnight, open book, test (Not wanting to +leave anything up to chance). Then he listed the questions: + +1. How many Days of the Week begin with a "T"? +2. How many Seconds are there in a Year? +3. How many "D's" are there in DIXIE? + +The youth hurried home and began to work. The next day he returned to the +dean's office, obviously worn to a frazzle, having stayed up all night +working. The dean asked him, "Okay son, for the first question, how many +days of the week begin with a "T", what is your answer?" The son said, +"Well, 'course that was the first and easiest one ... There are two days," +(The dean smiled) "Today and Tomorrow!" The dean began to sweat and wiped +his face. "Well I suppose there is a certain amount of truth to that answer, +so I'll accept it. Now, for the second question: How many seconds are there +in a year? The son replied, "You know that had me workin' a long time, till +I looked at my calendar fer help. Then it come to me: there are 12 seconds +in a year. The 2nd of January, 2nd of Feb ..." The Dean almost lost it, but +then regained composure. "Son," he said, "I believe we misphrased the +question, so I'm going to give you credit for it. Now, for the third and +final question, how many D's are there in "Dixie"? The lad just smiled, +and said, "That's the one what kept me up all night until I got it right! +There are 232 D's!" he said proudly. "What do you mean, 232?" sputtered the +dean. "How did you come up with that?" "Well, you gotta just count like +this: Dee Dee Dee, De De De De Dee Dee Deeee ..." + ^ + | + (to the tune of Dixie) + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One bright and early afternoon a ventriloquist was walking through a field +when he encountered an indian grazing his cow, horse and sheep. The man +smiled at the indian and asked, "How are you doing today Mr. Indian?" The +Indian smiled and said, "Me fine." The man then turned to the cow and asked, +"And how are you doing today Mr. Cow?" The Indian got a puzzled look on his +face and said, "Cow no talk." The man threw his voice at the cow saying, +"Oh, I'm o.k., but sometimes this indian's hands are cold when he tries to +milk me." The indian's eyes grew wide. Then the man turned to the horse +and asked, "And how are you doing today Mr. Horse?" The indian once again +looked at the man and said, "Horse no talk." The man threw his voice again, +saying, "Oh, I'm o.k., but sometimes when this Indian is riding me he hits +me awful hard." The indian's eyes grew even wider. Finally, the man looked +to the sheep and asked, "And how are you doing today Mr. Sheep?" The indian +quickly shouted, "Sheep lie! Sheep lie!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There were three couples who wanted to be members of a church: an elderly +couple, a middle-aged couple and a newlywed couple. The preacher said, +"To become members you have to abstain from sex for one whole month." +All three couples agreed and arranged to return in one month. After the +month had passed, the preacher asked each couple how well they had done. +The elderly couple reported they had succeded with little difficulty. The +middle-aged couple said it was challenging, but that they had also succeded. +Then the preacher asked the newlyweds how they had done. The husband said, +"Well, the first two weeks were o.k., the third week was really challenging, +but during the fourth week my wife bent over to get a can of vegtables and +I just lost all control." The preacher said, "Well, then, I'm sorry to say +that you can't become members of our church." To which the husband replied, +"That's o.k., they won't let us back in the grocery store either." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What has 100 balls and fucks rabbits? + +A: A shotgun. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Once upon a time, a man was walking along the beach when he saw a beautiful +girl who, sadly, had no legs. She was in her wheelchair bawling her eyes +out. "What's wrong?" he asked. "I've never been hugged before," she replied. +So he hugged her. The next day on his walk, he saw her again. Once more, she +was crying. "What's wrong now?" he asked. "I've never been kissed before." +she sobbed. So he proceeded to lay a lip-lock on her. The third day he was +walking by and AGAIN saw the poor girl crying. By now annoyed, he snapped, +"Now what?" "I've never been fucked before ..." she said hopefully. Where- +upon he proceeded to pick her up out of her wheelchair and throw her in the +water. "Now you're fucked!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why don't lawyers lay out at the beach? + +A: Because cats keep covering them with sand. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +If Iraq attacked Turkey from the rear, would Greece help? + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day an old man and his wife were sitting in the waiting room of the old +man's urologist. The nurse stepped in, holding three specimen jars in her +hand. She said "Mr. Johnson, we're going to need a urine sample, a semen +sample and a stool sample." Fiddling with the volume control on his hearing +aid, Mr. Johnson asked his wife, "WHAT DID SHE SAY, MARTHA?" "They want +your shorts, dear." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One night a lady was choking on a piece of meat in a restaurant. Everybody +tried to help by slapping her on the back, but to no avail. All of a sudden +an Aggie RAN across the room, whipped up her dress, ripped down her drawers +and started licking her ass. She was so astounded, she disgorged the meat +and said, "My God, what was that?!" The Aggie drawled, "Wuh luhned thut in +school, thut's thuh Hindlick Mahnuhvuh!". + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Heat of the Meat +Angle of Dangle = ------------------- + Stench of the Wench + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What are the three worst words that you can hear while making love? + +A: Honey, I'm home! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One afternoon a man was walking along a farm road with his daughter, when +they came upon two sheep. The two sheep were in the process of mating and +the father, noticing his daughters interest, quickly explained that the +sheep on top had hurt his two front hooves and the other sheep was helping +him get back to the barn. His daughter turned around, and smiled at her dad, +and said, "Isn't it funny that when you help someone, they almost always +screw you in the end?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A woman wanted to have a baby, so she asked a guy to have sex with her. Just +as they were about to commence, she asked, "What are we going to call our +baby?" The guy left, saying, "I don't want no kid!" So she invited another +man over. The same thing happened The third time, she decided not to tell +the man she wanted to get pregnant until after the act was over. After he +came, she asked, "What are we going to call our baby?" The man stood up, +pulled off the condom, tied it in a knot, threw it up against the wall and +said, "If he gets out of that, we'll call him `Superman.'" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call a kosher tampon? + +A: A tightwad. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + TWENTY TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MEN'S ROOM + +EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts. +SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not. +CROSSEYES: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed. +TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back + later. +INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink. +CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor. +FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug. +WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection. +ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants. +CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble. +SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in + next stall will get blamed. +PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand. +DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants. +TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it. +EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both. +FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe. +LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns. +DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants. +DISGRUNTLED: Stands for awhile, gives up, walks away. +CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day Adam was in the Garden of Eden when God came over to him and said, +"I made something for you. What I made for you will do anything you say, +fix your meals and give you indescribable pleasure. It will take care of +you always and it will never give you any trouble." Adam thought a moment +and said, "What does it cost me?" God said, "Just an arm and a leg." Adam +said "Sorry, but that's too steep for me. What can I get for a rib?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Once upon a time there was a mathematician who found an equation for GOD. It +was, of course, a very complicated equation but, she figured, all she had to +do was find a computer system which (1) had a large enough memory to store +all the necessary variables, and (2) was fast enough to gather all the infor- +mation together. Once this was accomplished, all the mysteries of the Uni- +verse could be solved. So the government took every available micro- +processor, linker, loader, assembler and anything else they had available, +put them all together and asked the computer: "Is there a God?" Unfortu- +nately, however, the computer's response was that it would take, at the +very least, a century or two to solve the problem. This wasn't good enough +for the bureaucrats in Washington who, for the first time in their lives +wanted something other than the status quo. So they decided to follow that +up by taking every single computer in the entire nation and, linking them +all together into one giant, ever-so-much-bigger, super-computer, asked +once again, "Is there a God?" Well, this time the computer said that it +would take only ten years to solve the equation Not as bad, but still not +quick enough to satisfy all the eager philosophers and scientists. "Some- +thing more must be done!" they shouted. By this time the whole world was +beginning to pay attention to the project and everone wanted to get +involved. After much debate, the United Nations decided to build the com- +puter and discover if there really was a God. So they took every computer +system in the world and linked them all together into one single amazing +super-duper-computer - the likes of which had never, EVER, been seen +before! Once again the scientists asked, "Is there a God?" The response? + +"THERE IS NOW!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will take out a three +year lease with an option to buy. If you tell the Navy to secure a building, +they will turn out the lights and lock the door. If you tell the Army to +secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a +pass. If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault it with +heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call in an air strike. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Great way to answer the telephone: + +"Hello, Incontinence Clinic. Please hold ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There once was a priest and a nun on missionary journey in the Sahara Desert. +They were riding a camel in a caravan across the desert when all of sudden a +sandstorm blew in. They were separated from their traveling companions and +got lost in the desert. After a few days the camel collapsed from exhaustion. +Father John looked at the Sister Agnes and said, "Looks like this is it for +us." Sister Agnes agreed. "I always wanted to have sex before I died." said +Father John. "Me too." said Sister Agnes. So they both undressed. When had +both disrobed, Sister Agnes looked down at the Father John's sceptre and +said, "What is that?" Father John told the good Sister that it was the Shaft +of Life. Said Sister Agnes: "Then, why don't you stick it in that camel so +we can get the hell out of here?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why should you wrap your pet hamster in electrical tape? + +A: So it won't explode when you fuck it. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A boy came home from school one day and went up to Dad. "Pop, I've gotta +write a paper on the difference between theory and fact. Can you help me?" +"Why sure son. Go and ask your mom if she would sleep with old Mr. Johnson +next door for half-a-million dollars." The son was puzzled at this, but went +and asked mom anyway. He walked back in the room a short time later and said +"Yeah, mom would do that." "Go and ask your sister the same question." said +the father. Junior ran up the stairs, asked Sis, and came thundering down +the stairs. "She said she would also." "Okay son, here's the difference: In +theory, we're millionaires. But, in fact, we're living with a couple of +sluts." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Confucius say: + + Teenage girl with bicycle pedal ass all over town. + + Squirrel lay on rock, crack nuts. Man lay on crack, rock nuts. + + Man with athletic finger make broad jump. + + Man who get stiff in joints should stay out of them. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The school bus approached the curb and slowed but, upon noticing a gibbering +kid stumbling around, gooking all over the place, the driver stepped on the +pedal and left the kid in a cloud of dust. Next day, the bus approached the +same curb, but upon noticing the gibbering, drooling kid with his arms +flopping around, the bus smoked by the kid again. The third day, the bus +again approached the curb. Once again, the kid on the curb was frantically +stumbling around, drooling and gibbering. The bus burned rubber, hopped the +curb, and ran right over the stumbling kid. Later, the police arrived. The +officer asked the bus driver, "I understand that you failed to pickup the +poor kid all week long and, as if that weren't enough, you ran him over!. +What do you have to say for yourself?" To which the driver replied, "He +wuth makking fthun uff me!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the first symptom of AIDS? + +A: A pounding sensation in your butt. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do you make a cat sound like a dog? +A: Douse it with lighter fluid and toss on a match. ("Wooof!") + +Q: How do you make a dog sound like a cat? +A: First you douse the dog with water, then stick him in the + freezer. After a couple of hours take him out and run him + through a bandsaw. ("Reeooww!") + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man entered a tattoo parlor on the lower west side and wanted to get a +tattoo. "What can I do for you?" asked the tattoo artist. "Well," the man +replied, "I want a $100 dollar bill tattooed on my wang." "I've never had +that request before. Do you mind if I ask why?" "Well, I really like to +watch my money grow. I also love to play with my money. And, I'll tell you +what, my wife can blow a hundred dollar bill better than anyone I've ever +met!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Dirty Ernie got a duck for his birthday. He took it for walks every day +and enjoyed having a pet. One day, Sleezy Suzy saw him walking the duck, +and said, "Hey, I like your duck. Will you give it to me if we go into the +bushes and fool around?" Dirty Ernie agreed, and off they went. When they +finished, Dirty Ernie said, "Hey, if you'll give me my duck back, we can +do that again." So they fooled around in the bushes some more. Unfortu- +nately, about this time a big truck came barreling down the street. The +truck driver saw the duck in the road, and slammed on his brakes - but no +luck - he ran right over it. The driver told Dirty Ernie, "Hey kid, I'm +sorry about your duck. Here's a dollar to pay for it." Later, when Dirty +Ernie finally got home, his dad asked him how his day was. Dirty Ernie +said, "Not bad, Dad. I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and a +buck for a fucked-up duck." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + TITLE: Restroom Policy (RTP) + +Effective Date: Immediately. + +Revised: July 31, 1990. + +Approval: Board of County Commissioners. + +References: None. + +Author: Anonymous. + +Purpose: In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to + the bathroom under informal guidelines. Effective + September 1, 1990, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) will + be established to provide a consistent method of + accounting for each employee's restroom time and + ensuring equal treatment of all employees. + +Policy: It is the policy of the county government to provide + fair and equal restroom time for all employees. Under + this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established + for each employee. The first day of each month, employees + will be given twenty (20) Restroom Trip Credits. Restroom + Trip Credits may be accumulated from month to month. + +Exceptions: Pregnant employees (male or female) will be given forty + (40) Restroom Trip Credits per month. + +Definitions: None. + +Procedure: Currently the entrances to all restrooms are being equipped + with personnel identification stations and computer-linked + voice print recognition devices. During the next two (2) + weeks, each employee must provide two (2) copies of voice + prints (one normal, one under stress) to Personnel Services. + The Voice Print Recognition Stations will be operational, + but not restrictive for the month of September; employees + should acquaint themselves with the stations during that + period. If an employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance + reaches zero (0), the doors to all restrooms will remain + locked for that employee's voice until the first of next + month when the employee receives his/her next 20/40 + credits. In addition, all restroom stalls are being + equipped with timed paper-roll retractors. If the stall + is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will + sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll + of paper in the stall will retract, the toilet will flush, + and the stall door will open. + +Liability: It is the responsibility of all management personnel to + ensure understanding and compliance with this policy. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There once was a business executive who decided he needed a little rest from +the daily routine, so he decided to take his pretty, young secretary to a +hotel for some whoopee. He rented a very nice, quiet room and they spent +the day drinking, going to bed, having lunch, drinking some more, back to +bed again, etc. Finally 5 o'clock came and they had to go their separate +ways. On the way home, he was thinking about what excuse he could tell his +wife if she was in the mood for having a 'party' tonight. He drove up the +driveway of his home and sure enough, there was his wife at the door, all +arrayed in a pretty gown and negligee, with pipe, slippers and cool drinks. +She led him into the house, with all the sweetness she possessed, to his +favorite armchair. He thought, "God I hope that this doesn't build up to +something." They sat back and relaxed, sipping their drinks and talking. +Suddenly, she said that she had forgotten something in the bedroom, got +up and said she would be right back. He thought, "Oh Lord, here it comes." +As soon as she had left the room he jumped up, unzipped his trousers, pulled +out 'Jasper' and started to bend it and whip it around trying to get some +life into it, but nothing happened - it did not help a bit. He heard her +returning so he stuffed 'Jasper' back into his trousers, zipped them up, +sat down and sighed. They continued their conversation, then she asked him +if he would care for another drink, and he replied that he would, so off +she went to the kitchen to fix it. He jumped up immediately, opening his +pants again, out with 'Jasper', up and down, around and around, back and +forth - all this with much more vigor than before - but to no avail. He +decided he would just have to tell her that he was too tired for the fun +and games tonight. She returned with their drinks, sat down and said, +"Dear, I've a most wonderful surprise for you, and I know that you will +be perfectly delighted." He thought, "Sure I will." Then aloud, "Well, +what is it?" She answered sweetly, and with a sly smile, "Guess what, +we're on Totally Hidden Video!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Ex-WWII Pilot: ... There were three Fokkers straight ahead, two more Fokkers + on my tail, when - all of a sudden! - I saw a Fokker coming + in from each side ... + +Buddy #1: What's a Fokker? + +Buddy #2: That's a German fighter plane. + +Ex-Pilot: That's right, and these particular Fokkers were Messerschmidts! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What did Adam say to Eve? + +A: Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Once upon a time, a newlywed couple were on their honeymoon in the Bahamas. +One day, while sun-bathing, the husband got a bad case of sunburn on his +dick. In terrible pain, he went back to their room to seek some relief. He +opened up the frig and found a bottle of milk. He poured a glass and soaked +his irritated cock within. As he was standing there, his wife walked in, +looked at him, and said, "So that's how it's done! I've always wondered +how you guys filled that thing up." + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED AT BELL LABS + +(Boston) - The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered at +Bell Labs. The element, tentatively named ADMINISTRATIUM, has no protons or +electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one +neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistant-vice- +neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held +together, in a nucleus, by a force that involves the continuous exchange of +meson-like particles called morons. + +Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be +detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. +According to Bell Lab scientists, a minute amount of Administratium caused +one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur +in less than one second. + +Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years - at which +time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in +which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant-vice-neutrons exchange +places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases +after each reorganization. + +Research at other laboratories indicate that Administratium occurs naturally +in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as govern- +ment agencies, large corporations, universities, and can be found in the +newest best maintained buildings. + +Scientist point out that Administratium is know to be toxic at any level of +concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is +allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administra- +tium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date +are not promising. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? + +A: Full. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An old man went into a bar in Wyoming. After having a few drinks he started +staring at a heavyset, long-haired, bearded biker. After a few minutes the +biker got pissed off, went over to the old man, and asked him why he kept +staring at him. The old man replied, "I just finished doing twenty-five +years in prison for screwing a buffalo. I just thought you might be my son." + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Did you hear about the new Polish parachute? It opens on impact ... + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Last year on '20/20' Barbara Walters did a documentary on the customs of +American Indians. After a tour of the reservation, she inquired as to how the +number feathers in the indians' headdress was determined. She asked a brave +who had only one feather in his headdress. His reply was "Me have only one +squaw, me have only one feather." She asked another brave, thinking the +first fellow was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. +He replied, "Ugh! Me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws." +Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of squaws +involved, she decided to interview the chief. + + The Chief had a full headdress of feathers which, needless to say, +amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do yuw haff tho many feathuh +in yuw headwess?" The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief, +me fuckem all - big, small, fat, tall - me fuckem all." Horrified, Ms. +Walters stated, "Yuw thould be hung!" The Chief replied, "You damned right, +me hung - big like buffalo, long like snake ..." Ms. Walters spluttered, +"Yuw dwon't haff to be tho damned hothtile!" The Chief replied, "Hoss- +style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style, me fuckem all!" Tears in her +eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Ow, dweer!" The Chief said, "No deer - me no +fuckem deer - asshole too high and fuckers run too fast. No fuckem deer!" + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +An office manager learned that, due to increased operating costs and slumping +sales, he would have to let one of his employees go. After much thought he +narrowed his choices down to two employees: Liz and Jack. Both were equal in +seniority and both were good workers, so the manager decided that he would +watch the two at work the next day and the first one to leave their desk was +the one who would be let go. When they arrived in the morning, both Liz and +Jack got right to work, and the manager began to wonder if his plan would +work. About mid-morning, however, Liz got up from her desk and asked Jack +for some aspirin. The manager had his victim. He caught up with Liz at the +water fountain: "I'm afraid I have a dilemma here," he said. "I'm going to +have to lay you or Jack off." "Well then, jack off," Liz snapped. "I've got +a headache!" + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Once upon a time, a Marine Gunny took it upon himself to toilet train his +son. Being a Marine, the kid was taught "by the numbers." So the Gunny took +his son into the head and he said, "Kid, this is the way you do it by the +numbers: ONE! You unzip your fly. TWO! You pull out your crank. THREE! You +piss! FOUR! You put it back in. FIVE! You zip up your pants. Got it?" The +little kid, being the son of a Marine, immediately responded with a thunder- +ing, "Aye, aye!" A day or so went by, and the Gunny spied his son going into +the head, so he snuck up to the door and listened: "One! Two! Three! Four! +Two! Four! Two! Four! ..." + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Once upon a time, a bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. The +bear looked down at the rabbit and asked, "Do you have a problem with shit +sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replied, "No, I've never had that problem." +So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass ... + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Q: What was John Lennons last hit? + +A: "The Pavement." + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Q: What would it take to re-unite the original Beatles? + +A: Three bullets. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Q: How do you kill the New Kids on the Block? + +A: Give one of them Aids. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + VARIOUS OBSCURE SCIENTIFIC TERMS + +Avogadro = The main ingredient in guacamole. + +Circular Reasoning = See Reasoning, Circular. + +Half-life = Saturday night in Vacaville. + +Hyperbola = An ellipse described by Howard Cosell. + +Millihelen = The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. + +Ohm = Where the heart is. + +Loschmidt's Number = (415) 767-1678 + +Rosche's Limit = About three beers. + +Reasoning, Circular = See Circular Reasoning. + +Unit of Power = Watt. "I said, unit of power!" Watt. "I **SAID** ..." + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Q: What do you call an Iraqi with 1500 girlfriends? + +A: A shepherd. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Q: What's the difference between kinky and perverted? + +A: In kinky, you use a feather. In perverted, you use the whole chicken. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Q: Why did the bee fly past Shell, Texaco, Exxon, Mobil and Sonoco? + +A: Because he was an Esso Bee. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Pain (n): Popping a boner and running out of skin. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +Two men were hunting in the hills of Kentucky. Bo turned to Jim-Bob, after +taking a sip from his sixth beer of the hour, and said that he needed to step +into the bushes for a minute. So Bo walked out of sight and pulled out his +dick. Suddenly, a rattle snake slithered into sight! It coiled in defense, +as Bo froze - with dick still in hand. The snake, far from intimidated by +this small cylindrical object, struck and injected his poison into Bo's +staff. Bo cried and screamed until his Jim-Bob came to his rescue. After +rearranging the snake with a load of double-00, Jim-Bob calmed +Bo down and told him that he was going for help. So Jim-Bob wandered down +the holler to a small town. Finding a hand-cranked phone, he called the +nearest doctor and was told to cut two small incisions near the bite, and +suck the poison from the wound. Jim-Bob ran back up the holler to Bo - who +was by then quite distraught and nearly unconscious. Said Jim-Bob to Bo: +"The doc said ya'll gonna die." + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +When the Lord made Man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be +Boss. The Brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, +he should be Boss. The Legs argued that since they took the Man wherever he +wanted to go, he should be Boss. The Stomach countered with the explanation +that since he digested all of the food, he should be Boss. The Eyes said that +without them, Man would be helpless, so they should be Boss. Then the Asshole +applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the +Asshole became mad and closed up. After a few days the Brain went foggy, the +Legs got wobbly, the Stomach got ill, and the Eyes got crossed and were +unable to see. So they all conceded and made the Asshole Boss. + +This proves that you don't have to be a Brain to be Boss - just an Asshole. + +------------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +My wife's a terrific housekeeper. I dirty a plate, she washes it immedi- +ately. I'm ready to drop a cigar ash on the floor, she has it picked up +before it even drops. The other night, I got up at three a.m. to get a +glass of juice. When I came back, the bed already had been made. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The circus leader was upset at the thought that his human cannonball act +would have to be scrapped. It seems the aging performer was losing his nerve +in the act. He went to the boss and quavered, "I don't think I am up to being +shot out of a cannon twice a day any more." "But you can't leave me," his +boss replied, "Where will I find another man of your caliber?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man had to take a psychological test for a job he was applying for. The +psychologist drew a circle and asked, "What does this remind you of?" The +man thought for a moment and replied, "Sex." The psychologist drew a tri- +angle and asked the same question. Again the applicant answered, "Sex." +"And what about this?" asked the psychologist, drawing a square. "Sex," was +the man's answer. "Well," the psychologist said to him, "you certainly seem +to be obsessed with sex." "What do you mean I'M obsessed with sex?" the man +exclaimed, "You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer," quoted the pro- +fessor. "Maybe that's why we all flunked your last test," came an +anonymous retort from the rear of the lecture hall. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Business was bad, and the clothing store owner was out on the street trying +to drum up business. "You sir," he said to a prosperous looking man, "Surely +you could use a new suit." "Don't be silly," the man replied, "I have thirty- +two suits at home." "In that case," said the store owner, "bring them in and +I'll make you my partner." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +John was going to a Catholic boarding school. On the first weekend break he +went into town to check out the 'big city'. While he was in town he was +repeatedly propositioned by women on the street, saying, "Ten bucks for a +blow job." Upon returning to the catholic boarding school, he asked one of +the nuns, "Sister, what is a qwickie?" The sister promptly replied, "Ten +bucks - same as in town ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The Texas oilman had just finished lunch at an expensive restaraunt. He left +a modest tip, and was preparing to leave, when the waiter said, "You know, +sir, your daughter always leaves a larger tip than that." "That all right +for her," the financier growled, "She's got a rich father." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why does the LAPD leave the Dodgers game early? + +A: They want to beat the crowd. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do you tell if a jewish woman is a nymphomaniac? + +A: She'll screw you the same day she has her hair done. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two rich texans, J.D. the rancher, and Bo the oilman, were inseparable +friends. One evening, they made a vow. Whichever one of them died first +would try to contact the other from the spirit world. Not long after that, +J.D. died. Bo was despondent, but he decided to start attending seances in +the hopes of talking to his lifelong friend. For months, he had no luck. +Then, it happened! He was at a seance when he heard his name called, "Bo, +Bo, are yew there Bo?" "J.D.," he replied excitedly, "J.D., is that yew?" +"Yes, Bo," the far-off voice said, "It's me." "J.D., where are yew?" Bo +asked, "What are yew doing?" "Wayull," the disembodied drawled, "I get up, +have something to eat, screw all morning long. Then it's lunch time, so I +have another bite, then I screw most of the afternoon, take a nap, and it's +time to eat again. I screw long into the night, and then I fall into a +peaceful sleep." "J.D.!" Bo cried, "Ya'll must be in heaven!" "Heaven?" +the voice sighed, "I'm a bull in Oklahoma ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There are three rules that men over 80 -MUST- remember: + +1) Never waste a boner - even if you are alone. + +2) Take a piss every chance you get. + +3) And never, ever, trust a fart. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One night a guy got to the ballpark late. He saw three old ladies in the +stands - passed out with an empty bottle of booze beside them. Right away, +he knew the status of the game: + +It was the bottom of the fifth and the bags were loaded. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Down in the crypts of St. Giles, +The screaming resounded for miles, +Said the vicar "Good Gracious, +"Has Father Ignatius, +"Forgotten the Bishop has piles?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"Doc," said the cannibal to the witch doctor, "I have terrible heartburn." +"What have you been eating?" said the witch doctor. "Alot of missionaries +with hooded robes and bald heads," said the cannibal. "How do you cook +them?" inquired the witch doctor. "I boil them in a big iron pot," said +the head hunter. "You idiot!" screamed the witch doctor. "Those aren't +boilers - they're friars!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An avid Dallas Cowboys fan took his dog to a sports bar one Sunday afternoon +to watch the game. The bartender reluctantly let the dog in, and the pooch +sat quietly as the game progressed. When the Cowboys got a field goal, the +dog went crazy - barking, running in circles and doing back flips. "What +does he do when they score a touchdown?" the amazed bartender asked. "I +don't know," replied the owner. "I've only had him for two years." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Parking in the driveway after their first date, Steve leaned over and gave +Wendy a wet, passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his fly +and pulled her hand to his wang. Furious, Wendy opened the car door and +jumped out. "I've got just two words to say to you," she screamed, "DROP +DEAD!" "And I've got just two words to say to you," Steve screamed back. +"LET GO!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why were the gays able to evacuate San Francisco so quickly after the + earthquake? + +A: Because they already had their shit packed. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Last summer a doctor and his family were at the beach having a good time. +All of a sudden the doctor spotted a dorsal fin sticking out of the water +and fainted. When he came to, his wife said, "You have to be less paranoid, +dear. That was only a shark. Stop imagining that there are lawyers every- +where." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A friend of mine drives to work on a long stretch of country road. One +morning, as she was driving to work, she hit a bunny rabbit crossing the +road. She immediately stopped to render aid to the bunny. The bunny was not +dead, only mildly stunned. Being the not so bright person that she is, she +decided that she might be able to spray perfume on the rabbit to stun him +back into shape. She rummaged through her purse to get the perfume and +sprayed it on the rabbit. Immediately the bunny jumped up on its hind legs +and began to wave its front paw. Satisfied that the bunny was okay, she +drove on to work. That afternoon, on the way home, she noticed the rabbit +was still waving. She shrugged and continued home. The next morning, the +rabbit was still there, waving. The experience was repeated the next +morning and evening. By that time she was quite puzzled and decided that +she should look in her purse to see exactly what it was that she had +sprayed on the rabbit. She took the bottle out of her purse and on the +label it read ... + +"PERMANENT WAVE FOR DAMAGED HAIR" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Have you heard about the long-married man who found sex more enjoyable if +lay on his right side? It was the only position in which he could see the +television ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear that Marilyn Quayle does drugs? Yep, every once in awhile she +blows a little dope ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Between which two toes is a girl the most ticklish? + +A: The two big ones. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Teacher: Ernest! Why are you late to class again? +Dirty Ernie: Sorry Miss, I've been down at the creek + sticking cherry bombs up frogs' asses ... +Teacher: Rectum, Johnny, Rectum ... +Dirty Ernie: Wrecked'em? Hell, I blew'em to fuckin' pieces! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"Mommy, Mommy, can I have a spoon?" + +"Why, dear?" + +"Well, grandpa's been sick, and Robby got all the lumps ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two black guys pass each other on the street one morning. The first one +says, "Yo, mo'fucker!" The other one answers, "Mornin' Reverend." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +She's so fat, she's going to collapse into a black hole ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Once upon a time there was a snake and a rabbit that bumped into each other +in the woods. Both were blind. The snake started feeling the rabbit's fur +and said, "You are nice and soft, so you must be a rabbit." Then the rabbit +started feeling the snake and said, "And you are cold and slithery. You +must be a lawyer." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Once upon a time, a tomb was found in Egypt. First a team of British arche- +ologists went in; they came out after a week and announced, "This tomb is +over 3000 years old. It is the tomb of a pharoh, but we do not know which +one." Next an American team went in for two weeks and they reported much +the same; they too could not determine which pharoh it was. Finally a +Soviet team went in. After 20 minutes they came out and announced, "This +is the tomb of Ramses XXI!" The others were astonished and asked the +Soviets, "How could you tell which pharoh it was?" The Soviets answered, +"That was easy, he confessed." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Before 'perestroika' an American and a Soviet were talking about freedom +in their coutries. "In the United States," said the American, "you can go +right up to the White House gate and yell, 'The President is an idiot,' +and no one will do anything to you." The Soviet answered, "We also have +freedom of speech. In Soviet Union you can go right up to Kremlin wall +and yell, 'American President is idiot,' and no one will do anything to +you." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call an Iraqi with 30 sheep? + +A: Pimp. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do a herd of sheep call an Iraqi? + +A: Dad. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +To Be Tried On Acquaintances: + +You: "I read a poll the other day that half of all people masturbate in + the shower, and the other half sings. Do you know what they sing?" + +Their Standard Answer: "I don't know." + +Your Witty Reply: "I was wondering why your hand was calloused." + "No wonder you need glasses ..." + (etc). + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call 6 Iraqi's with a sheep? + +A: A gang bang. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What does an Iraqi woman call a sheep? + +A: Competition. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The Aggie coach, in front of a stadium-full of loyal fans at College +Station, asked a top academic player to demonstrate his prowess. "Tell +our fans what 8 plus 1 equals," said the coach. The Aggie player scratched +his head, "ummed" and "uhhed", and said "Nine." Seventy thousand Aggie fans +sat stunned for a minute. Then, in unison, the grandstand called out, "Try +again!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Where do you find a turtle with no legs? + +A: Right where you left it. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An aggie went into a public restroom stall, and read a sign there +that said, "Don't put anything but paper in this bowl." So he shit on the +floor. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do elephants do when they are bored? +A: Put springs on their feet and bounce up into the trees to rape monkeys. + +Q: What is the most terrible thing for a monkey to hear? +A: SPROING ... SPROING ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +HOW TO KILL A SOUTH DAKOTA EEL + + Little Johnny and the other boys his age were hearing quite a bit +about dating from the older boys, and wondering what it was all about and +how it was done. One day, Johnny decided to take these questions to his +mother who became quite flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, +she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older +sister and her boyfriend. The next morning Johnny explained *EVERYTHING* to +his mother: + + "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off +most of the lights and they started to hug and kiss. I figured sis must +have been getting sick, because she started looking funny. Her boyfriend +must have thought so too, because he put his hand up her shirt to find her +heart, just like a doctor would - except he is not as smart as a doctor, +because he had trouble finding her heart. + + "I guessed that her boyfriend must have been getting sick too, because +pretty soon they were both panting and out of breath. His other hand must +have been getting cold because he put it up her skirt. About this time, she +got worse; she began to moan, squirm around and slide down towards the end +of the couch. I knew she had a fever because she said she was feeling hot. + + "Then I found out what was making them so sick - a big eel had gotten +into her boyfriend's pants. It jumped out of his pants and stood there, about +10 inches long. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting +away. When sis saw it she got scared, and her mouth fell open to call God +and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest she had ever seen. I +thought I should tell them about the ones down at the lake ... + + "All of a sudden, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it's +head off. But it must have bit her back back because, after a few minutes, +she started making noises. So, she grabbed it tight with both hands while +her boyfriend put a muzzle on it to keep it from biting her again. Sis laid +back and spread her legs so that she could put a scissor-lock on it, and +he helped by laying on top of the eel. + + "The eel put up one hell of a fight. Sis started to moan and scream. +I guess that they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After +a while both quit moving and gave out a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and +sure enough, they killed it. I knew it was dead because it just hung limp +there and some of it's insides were hanging out. + + "Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the battle, but they went at it +again. They started to kiss and hug again. I guess that eels are like cats, +with nine lives or something, because the eel got up and started to fight +again. This time sis tried to kill it by sitting on it. They finally killed +it - I knew it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel it's +skin off and flushed it down the toilet." + + Little Johnny's mother fainted. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why should every son to go into debt for his father? + +A: Because his father went into the hole for him. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Guy walks into a bar and sets an alligator on the bar. He bets the bar- +tender a free drink that he could open the alligator's mouth, stick his +dick in and count to ten very slowly. The bartender said, "Yeah, I'll take +that bet." So, the guy unzipped his pants, pulled out his dick, layed it in +the gator's mouth and counted to ten. The bartender was astounded, "I can't +believe that! Hell, if there is anyone else in the bar who will do that, +I'll buy them a drink too." Whereupon a little guy in the back said, "I'll +do it, but I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +KOTEX is not a radio station in Texas! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +In the upper class, AIDS is spread primarily through the unprotected +exchange of Grey Poupon between consenting limousines ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day, a lady visited her doctor for a physical exam. While the doctor +was examining her, she sneezed. Her eyes rolled up into her head; she +started shaking and jerking violently. After she returned to normal, the +doctor said, "What happened to you?" She said, "Oh, every time I sneeze I +have an orgasm." The doctor asked her, "Are you taking anything for it?" +The lady replied, "Yes. Ragweed." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? + +A: A cherry float. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How can you tell a Jewish American Princess has had an orgasm? + +A: If she drops her nail file. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day a rich woman, dressed to the teeth, was forced to use the public +bus when her chauffeur became ill. She sat next to an old Italian lady. +After a few moments of obvious sniffing, the old lady said, "Hey lady, +you smell good! What's that smell?" The rich lady haughtily answered, +"I'll have you know that's 'Joy' - $95 an ounce." A few moments passed +and the italian lady let out a long, gurgling, smelly fart. The rich +woman recoiled in horror and gasped, "What's that smell!?" The Italian +lady answered, "I'll have you know that's broccoli - 79 cents a bunch." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Last year a group of Libyan terrorists hijacked a planeload of lawyers. +They said that they'd release one every hour unless their demands were +met. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +WORKMAN'S COMPENSATION CLAIM + +Dear sir: + +I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In +block #3 of the accident reporting form, I put "LOST PRESENCE OF MIND" as +the cause of the accident. You said in your letter that I should explain +more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient. + +I am a brick layer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working +alone on the roof of a six-story building. After completing my work, I +discovered that I had about 500 pounds of unused bricks. Rather than +carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by +using a pully, which was fortunately attached to the side of the building +at the sixth floor. + +Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel +out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and +untied the rope (holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 +pounds of bricks). You will note in block #11 of the accident reporting +form that I weigh 135 pounds. + +Due to my surprise at being jerfed off the ground so suddenly, I "LOST MY +PRESENCE OF MIND" and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I +proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. + +In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel comong down. This +explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, +I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right +hand were two knuckles deep into the pully. + +Fortunately, by this time I had regained my "PRESENCE OF MIND" and was able +to hold tightly to the rope inspite of the pain. At approximately the same +time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out +of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed +approximately 50 pounds. + +I refer you again to my weight in block #11. As you might imagine, I began +a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third +floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured +ankles and the laceration of my legs and lower body. + +This encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when +I fell into the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were +cracked. + +I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks - in pain, +unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above - I again +lost "PRESENCE OF MIND" and let go of the rope. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Having just received a great promotion, John was excited about his new +position, new status and new office. He was checking through the desk +vacated by his predecessor when he came upon a letter, attached to three +envelopes, made out to him. The letter told him that if he got into trouble +he should open the first envelope. "Make sure you open them in order and +only if there is a real emergency," warned the letter. John laughed but +filed the envelopes away. Sure enough, within a month he felt the heat and +decided to give envelope number one a chance. He opened it and it said, +"Blame your predecessor!" So John went to his boss and told him how the bum +he had replaced had messed things up and that it would take him time to get +things back on track. And, with hard work, he did get the problems resolved. +Everything went fine for several more months before, once again, all hell +broke loose. In desperation, John opened the second letter. It advised him +to "Reorganize!" So John went to his boss and told him the solution would +mean a drastic reorganization. After this was done relative calm prevailed. +But the day inevitably came when another disaster struck. With trembling +hands, John opened the third, and final, envelope. The advice? "Make up +three more envelopes!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An American, traveling on a train in Europe, met a Cuban tobacco grower, +a Russian vodka distiller and a lawyer. While they were talking business, +the Cuban took out four cigars and passed them around. After lighting his +own cigar, the Cuban took one drag and then threw it out the window, +explaining that cigars were of no consequence in his country since there +was such an abundance of them. After dinner, the Russian passed out bottles +of vodka. After taking just one swig, he threw the bottle out the window, +explaining that vodka was of no consequence since, in Russia, it was so +plentiful. The American businessman sat in quiet contemplation for several +minutes then arose and threw the lawyer out the window. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Once upon a time, an elephant was walking through the jungle. Unfortunately, +he walked right into a pool of quicksand. He panicked, and started thrashing +all around and yelling for help. Well, as great luck would have it, a monkey +was nearby. The monkey heard all the commotion, so he came over. "Elephant!" +said the monkey, "Don't thrash about so; you'll float if you just stay still. +I'll go get help to get you out." The elephant thought, "Now what is a little +monkey going to do for me?" But he laid still and, sure enough, he stopped +sinking into the quicksand. After awhile, the monkey came back in a BMW. He +took a vine off a tree, tied it to the BMW's bumper, and gave the end to the +elephant. With that, he pulled the elephant out of the quicksand and saved +his life! + +Some time later, the monkey was swinging through the tree when his grip on +the vine slipped, and he fell right into some quicksand. He too panicked, +and started yelling and thrashing. Just as you'd know it, the elephant was +walking nearby, and heard the commotion. "Monkey, monkey!" cried the ele- +phant, "Don't flail around. Lie still, and I'll find a way to save you." +The monkey laid still and stopped sinking into the quicksand. The elephant +noted that the quicksand pool wasn't very wide. "Monkey, the quicksand +isn't very wide. I'll just straddle it. You reach up and grab ahold of me, +and I'll pull you out!" The monkey did as he was told, and his life was +saved. + +The moral of the story is this: If your dick's big enough, you don't +need a BMW! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Bob lost his dick in a horrible traffic accident. Fully recovered +except for the use of "Mr. Happy," late one night he was watching TV. +During the commercial break an ad came on for "Doctor Smith's Miracle +Penis Replacement Clinic." The next day, Bob rushed to the clinic. +"Doctor," he begged, "I need to get a new dick." The doctor informed +Bob that the demand for newer, bigger and better dicks was so great that +all he had left were baby elephant trunks. But Bob was desperate, he didn't +hesitate to undergo the experimental surgery. Six months later, fully +healed and rehabilitated, Bob finally had the confidence to ask a lady +out to dinner. As they were eating dinner, this thing came out from under +the table, grabbed a biscuit, and darted back underneath the table. The +girl saw this and thought to herself, "If that happens again, I'm going +to have to say something." A few minutes later the thing came out from +under the table and grabbed another biscuit, so the lady said, "Bob, I +don't know what that is, but if it keeps taking my food, I'm calling a +cab!" Bob replied, "You're mad? Hell, it keeps stuffing the biscuits up +my ass!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call a 250 pound woman with a yeast infection? + +A: A Whopper with cheese. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day a enviromentalist went to a greengrocers and began anxiously +looking over the produce. "Can I help you madam?" asked the shopkeeper. +"Yes, I was looking for some fruit," replied the enviromentalist, "Have +these oranges been treated with any poisonous fertilizers or weedkillers?" +"No, sorry, but you'll have to get that from the chemist's." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +BUMPER STICKER + +(Seen on a truck in Southern Alberta,) +(where cattle ranching is Big Business) + + ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ + ³ And the Angel spake unto the shepherds: ³ + ³ ³ + ³ "Get the hell outta here - this is cattle country!" ³ + ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties? + +A: To keep the foreskins from covering up their faces. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Do you know why Iraqi high schools can't offer driver's ed and sex ed in + the same year? + +A: The camels can't take the pressure. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Late one night, an 80 year old man was about to make love to his beautiful, +young girlfriend. The petite nymphet noticed that the old man was wearing a +condom: "You don't have to wear that," said the young girl. "I'm on the +pill." "You don't understand," said the old man. "Dampness irritates my +arthritis." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +THE DEFINITION OF EGO + +An female elephant was having an awful time in the jungle because a horsefly +kept biting her near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it. +She kept swinging her trunk, but the fly was far out of reach. A monkey +observed this and suddenly swung down and slapped the horsefly flat. "Oh, +thank you! That was such a relief," said the elephant. "My pleasure, +ma'am," said the monkey. "Listen, Mr. Monkey, if there's anything I can +ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask." The monkey hesitated. "Well, +ma'am ..." he said. "What is it? You needn't be shy with me." "Well, the +truth is that all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant." +"Go right ahead," said the elephant. "Be my guest!" So the monkey swung +around behind the elephant and began to fuck away. Up above them, a baboon +was peeping from a cocnut tree and began to get very excited; he started +to beat off. In his excitement the baboon shook a coconut loose. The coco- +nut fell from the tree, hitting the elephant smack on the head. "RE-eeee- +OOOHH!" the elephant trumpeted in pain. At which point, the monkey looked +over from behind the elephant and asked, "Am I hurting you, dear?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the difference between a prostitute with diarhea and a corn + farmer with epilepsy? + +A: The corn farmer shucks between fits. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"Forty Miles in The Saddle" + +By Major Assburns + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One Sunday, a lady went to a priest to confess. She said, "Father, I went +out with a boy last night - and he took off my blouse and my bra." The priest +took off her blouse and bra and said, "Like this?" "Yes, that dirty bastard!" +replied the girl. "Child, don't say things like that!" exclaimed the priest. + +Girl: "Then he touched my breasts!" +Priest (touching breasts): "Like this?" +Girl: "Yes, that dirty bastard!" +Priest: "Child! I said not to say that!" + +Girl: "Then he took off my skirt and panties." +Priest (removing the items): "Like this?" +Girl: "Yes, that dirty bastard!" +Priest: "Child, please!" + +Girl: "Then he put it in me!" +Priest (putting it in her): "Like this?" +Girl: "Yes, that dirty bastard!" +Priest (eyes cast skyward): "Lord forgive her ..." + +Girl: "Then he gave me V.D!" +Priest: "That dirty bastard!!!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the guy who had his whole left side cut off! Don't worry; +he's all right ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The tent revival was in its fifth long night, and religious fervor was at a +peak when the normally taciturn Farmer John jumped up and ran down the aisle, +sobbing and with tears streaming down his face. The preacher met him with +outstretched hand and John bawled, "Preacher, I been a sinner!" "Tell it all, +John!" hollered the preacher, to the congregation's delight. "I been doin' +terrible things, Preacher," said John, and the congregation AMENed loudly. +"Drinkin' and everything ... I even cheated on my taxes!" "Tell it all, +John!" the preacher bellowed even louder, gripping the penitent John about +the shoulders. With the congregation providing loud vocal support, John +continued to recite his sins. "I been having ... you know, sex fantasies," +he said, and the congregation swooned with a loud AMEN, and the preacher +hoarsely repeated his demand. Emboldened, John went on, "... and I been +visitin' the cathouse over in Hog Holler..." And with each revelation, the +murmuring excitement of the crowd got louder, and the preacher's exhorta- +tions grew more insistent that John `tell it all!' Caught up in the frenzy, +and the approval of his audience, John hollered, "... and I been screwin' my +mule!" There was instant and absolute silence in the tent. No one even +coughed, as John blinked and looked about in bewilderment. The preacher +leaned close to the confessor's ear and whispered, "Damn if I'da tol' that, +John ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What is the difference between a shithead and a brown-noser? + +A: Depth perception. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A young boy came home from school one day and told his mother that he began +a sex education class that day. His mother hit the ceiling and said, +"There's gonna be no sex education as long as you live in this house. +Get upstairs and stay there until your father comes home!" So, the boy +went up to his room. Later, the old man came home and asked, "Where's the +boy?" His wife replied, "I'm punishing him up in his room. He says he +started taking a class in sex education class in school today." Enraged, +the father stormed up the stairs and burst into the boy's room where the +boy was lying on the bed masturbating. The father said, "Listen you, when +you're finished with your homework I want to talk to you!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the difference between humans and computers? + +A: With a computer you put software into hardware ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day when Ernie was about six, before he learned about being dirty, he +was pestering his mom while she tried to do the housework. She said, "Why +don't you go across the street and watch them building the new apartments? +Maybe you will learn something ..." So Ernie left. When he came back two +hours later, his mother asked him what he had learned. Ernie replied, "Well, +first you put the goddamn door up. Then the sonofabitch doesn't fit, so you +have to take the cocksucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off +each side and put the motherfucker back up!" Ernie's mother was shocked. +"Young man, you march yourself upstairs right this minute! Just wait until +your father gets home!" When Ernie Sr. got home, little Ernie's mother +called him downstairs and demanded that he tell his father what he had +'learned' that day. When little Ernie had finished his story, his father, +steam coming from his collar, said, "Ernie go outside and get me a switch." +So Ernie replied, "Get fucked! Thats the electrician's job!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One night, the Queen of England was giving a state dinner for the president. +After enjoying a rich and sumptuous meal, and during the after dinner chit- +chat, the president accidently let loose a terrific fart that shook the +chandeliers. He started turning red, and cautiously looked around hoping +nobody had noticed the stagnant oder of romano cheese in the air. Unfortu- +nately, the Queen did. She frowned and said, "One never farts before the +Queen!" The president said, "I'm sorry your majesty, I didn't know it was +your turn ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +During the last recession a banker was going to committ suicide by jumping +off a bridge. As he leaned on the guardrail, he heard a far away voice +saying, "Do-o-o-on't ju-u-u-ump!" He looked around, but saw no one, so he +climbed up on the edge of the bridge and prepared to dive. Again he heard +the voice "Do-o-o-on't ju-u-u-ump!" This time he looked down and saw, +hidden in the shadow of the underpass, an incredibly old, and scaggly +woman. "Why not?" he yelled. "I'm in ruin: My company's bankrupt, my wife +has left me, my daughter's a groupie ..." he rambled on for some thirty +minutes. "Sonny, you shouldn't be thinking about suicide," she yelled +back. "Whatever your problem, I can solve it for you. You see, I'm a witch. +All you have to do is eat me and I'll solve all your problems!" The thought +of eating the old hag was revolting, but the banker figured he had nothing +to lose, so he climbed down off the bridge and made his way down the offramp +and ran quickly to the witch. He threw her down, tore off her rags, and +proceeded to give her a thorough tongue lashing. After a few moments of +this, the old hag began to shake and quiver. The banker noticed that she was +convulsed with laughter. He said, "What are you laughing at?" She answered, +"Sonny, aren't you a bit old to be believing in witches?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One night in Londonderry, an Irishman and an Englishman parked their cars +side-by-side in a pub parking lot. The Irishman had a rusted-out 1954 +Morris 1000; the Englishman, a new Rolls-Royce. The Irishman, in drunken +awe asked, "Shore and t'ats a mighty fine-lookin' motor car you aff, sor. +If you please, whot does a man aff to do to 'et a car like that?" +The Englishman snootily replied, "I work for Cunard." Slurred the Irishman, +"I wohk fohkin' `ard, too!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the polish lesbian? She liked men .. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the difference between like and love? + +A: Spit and swallow. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Late one scorching day in old New Mexico, the Lone Ranger rode up to a bar, +dismounted and tied up Silver. He was sitting at the bar, enjoying a well- +earned drink, when his faithful sidekick ran in. "I think Silver is over- +heated," Tonto exclaimed. "What should I do?" "Well, go out and stir up a +good breeze by running circles around him," the Lone Ranger calmly replied. +A few drinks later, a stranger approached the Lone Ranger: "Does that big, +white horse out there belong to you?" "Yes, why?" said the Lone Ranger. +"Wehl," drawled the cowboy, "yuh left the injun runnin'." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? + +A: You would too if your name was "U-u-u-urd-urj." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There once was a bird who hated saying 'goodbye' so much, he waited until +the last minute to fly south for the winter. When he finally did leave, it +was so cold that his wings iced up and he fell to the ground on a nearby +farm. He was cold and very depressed and thought he was going to die then +and there. After awhile, a cow wandered by and shit on the bird. The bird +he was becomming warm, and could move around, so he began to sing. A nearby +cat heard the singing, and dug the bird from inside the pile of shit, and +ate him. There are exactly three morals to this story: + +(1) Not everybody who shits on you is your enemy. +(2) Not everybody who takes shit off you is your friend. +(3) When you are in something warm and wonderful, + keep your big mouth SHUT !!! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +My girlfriend is so fat ("HOW FAT IS SHE?"), that when she sits on my +motorcycle, you can't hear the engine! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A scientist, after years of failed attempts, finally made a clone of him- +self. The clone was exactly like him; it liked the same foods, read the +same books, liked the same T.V. shows, etc. The one difference was that the +clone was terribly obscene. Every other word it uttered was an obscenity. +The scientist quickly grew tired of this, because it created embarrassing +situations everywhere they went. So, the scientist took the clone up to the +top of a cliff and pushed it off. Unfortunately, though, a policeman saw him +do this, and the policeman rushed up to him and said, "You're under arrest +for murder!" "But it wasn't a person I just pushed off the cliff. It was +just a clone," replied the scientist. "Well," the policeman said, "you're +still under arrest for making an obscene clone fall." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you get when you cross a one-legged mongoloid with a polack? + +A: A polaroid one-step! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The telephone company put out a tender for the installation of telephone +poles. Three groups applied. A group of newfies (canadian polacks), a group +of jews, and a group of italians. Since there are three groups, the tele- +phone company decided to run a contest between them to see which one could +install the most telephone poles in an eight hour day. All three groups went +out and, in the evening, came back to report. "How many telephone poles did +you install?" the telephone executive asked the jews. "Oh, we installed 27 +today," they said. "Very good," the executive said. "How many telephone +poles did you install?" the executive asked the italians. "Oh, we installed +24 today," they said. "Good, but not as good as the jews," said the execu- +tive. "How many telephone poles did you install?" the executive asked the +newfies. "Oh, we installed five today," a newfie said proudly. "I don't +understand this," the executive said, "The jews installed 27, and the +italians 24. How is it that you only installed five?!" "Well sir," the +newfie continued, "look at how much of the telephone poles they left above +the ground ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two yuppers got lost while hunting in the woods. One turned to the other and +said, "Grandpa Sven always said that if you are lost, you should fire three +shots in the air. It's a distress signal, and someone will come to rescue." +So the second yupper fired three shots. They waited for awhile, and when no +one came the first yupper told his friend, "Fire three more shots." Again +no one came. Again, the first yupper told his friend, "Fire three more +shots." The second yupper replied, "I can't. I ain't got no more arrows." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Pollack were stranded on a desert island +when an ancient ruby and emerald studded bottle washed up on the beach. +They found the bottle and removed the cork, and WHOOSH! a genie flew out of +the bottle, and agreed to give them each one wish as a token of 'thanks' for +releasing him. The Englishman thought a moment and said "I wish I were back +in England." WHOOSH! the Englishman vanished from the island and was +returned to England. The Frenchman though a moment and said "I wish I +were back in France." WHOOSH! the Frenchman vanished from the island and +was returned to France. The Pollack thought for a moment and said "Gee I'm +gonna miss those guys. I wish they were back ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why are all Jewish men circumcised? + +A: Jewish women demand 10% off everything. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why are people so fragile? + +A: They were made with only one screw. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Baptist minister and a Jewish rabbi were seated next to one another in the +first class section of an airplane. The stewardess approached them and asked +what they wanted to drink. "I'll have a martini," said the rabbi. "How about +you, sir?" the stewardess asked the miniser. "You should ask me, a man of +God, that my lips should touch alcohol? Why, I'd sooner commit adultry!" +The minister said indignantly. The rabbi waved at stewardess, "Hold the +martini! I didn't know we had a choice ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Pole, a Jew, and a Mexican were in Kuwait, and all three were killed. +They all went to hell, where the Devil told them "I'm havin a REAL busy +day here guys, and frankly I don't have time to take care of you properly. +Tell ya' what, give me $5 each and I'll send you right back where you came +from." The Pole promptly paid the $5 and found himself back in the war zone, +where he ran to report to his company commander. The CO was curious, of +course, as to where the other two guys were. To which the Pole replied, +"Well, when I left, Goldstein was trying to talk him down, and Lopez was +looking for a co-signer ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Brit and a Scot where standing on a corner talking when an Irishman walked +up. "You know what," said O'Brien, "I just went into that pub over there, +ordered a pint, and played some darts. When I walked out of the pub the +barkeep told me to pay up. So I told him I paid when I got my pint. He +didn't do anything to me, so I got a free drink!" Smyth-Jones, the Brit, +liked the idea so much he went into the pub and did the same thing the +O'Brien did. An hour later Smyth-Jones came out and told the Irishman, and +MacGregor, that the barkeep didn't give him any trouble either. So MacGregor +decided to try too. He walked into the bar and ordered a pint. As MacGregor +talked to the barkeep, the barkeep mentioned the two blokes who walked out +without paying. MacGregor asked the barkeep why he did nothing. The barkeep +said, "I'm not looking for trouble." MacGregor replied, "Well it's getting +late - if you'll give me my change, I'll be heading home ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three bums - Dusty, Jake and Loner - were walking down some railroad tracks +when Jake stops and asked the other two, "Hey, did either of you guys shit +in your pants?" Dusty and Loner both replied, "Not me Jake." "Well, I smell +shit, and I think it's coming from one of you guys," said Jake. They walked +a little further before Jake turned to Loner and asked, "Are you SURE you +didn't shit in your pants?" "Well Jake," said Loner, "don't ya' think I'd +know if I shit in my pants?" With that, Jake knocked Dusty to the ground, +untied his rope belt and pulled down his overalls. Right there in the +middle of the seat of his pants was a flattened out shit, lookin' like a +big old dried out brown pancake. "I thought you said you didn't shit in +your pants!" cried Jake. "Ohhh," replied Dusty, "I thought you meant +TODAY ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Who's the most popular guy on the nude beach? +A: The guy that can hold 12 donuts with no hands. + +Q: Who's the most popular girl? +A: The one that can eat them all ... Without using her hands! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why are pool tables green? + +A: If you had your balls racked, you'd be green too. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's 6 inches long, has a head on it, and makes women go wild? + +A: Money. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: If a man with a million dollars is a millionaire, what is a woman with + a million dollars? + +A: Married. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why are dogs better than kids? + +A: When you get sick of your dog, you can put it to sleep. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why do barkeeps in Ireland cry at funerals. + +A: Lost revenue. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +After six months prospecting for gold, a miner visited the local trading +post desperate for a woman. "Nothing much around here," the storekeeper +told him, "only the odd squaw, or old Joe the stablehand." "Can't take +no injun wimen, sure as hell ain't taking no man," the parched miner croaked +in disgust as he stamped out the door. Three months later, the miner was +back, was made the same offer, and again refused. By his third visit, the +miner was absolutely determined to find some sex. "Listen," he told the +storekeeper, "I ain't got no time to go searching for no injun wimen. +I'll have to settle for old Joe." "Cost you thirty dollars," the store- +keeper replied, "Thats ten for me, ten for old Joe, and ten for the cook." +Feeling cheated, the miner said, "What the hell does the cook have to do +with it?!" "Well," continued the storekeeper, "it takes two of us to hold +old Joe down. You see, old Joe ain't too keen on men either ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How does a french whore hold her liquor? + +A: By the ears. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q. Why do Italians talk with their hands? + +A. Because their breath could take the curl out of your pubic hair. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's Green and red and goes a thousand miles an hour? +A: A frog in a blender. + +Q: What do you get when you add milk? +A: Frog-nog. + +Q: What happens when you drink Frog-nog? +A: You croak. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench in Miami when a flasher +came by, and well, flashed. The first woman had a stroke, the second one had +a stroke, and the third one's arms were too short ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A guy, who just joined the Foreign Legion was sent to North Africa. After +three months of sleeping in the trackless wastes, he started getting sex +hungry. So he asked his captain, "What do people do to satisfy their needs?" +"Well," the captain relied, "See that hut over there? At night go stick your +dick in there." So, that night, the guy went out to the hut and stuck his +dick through the wall. A pair of warm lips wrapped around his member, and he +proceeded to get the blow job of his life! This went on for a week before, +one night, nothing happened. So the guy went to the captain and asked him +what the problem was. "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you," said the captain, +"it's your turn to go into the hut ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Spots On The Wall By Hu Phlung Poo +Hawaiian Love Song By Comonwiwanalayya +Russian's Revenge By Hoyoudon Kutchercockoff +Chinese Population Explosion By Wi Phucom Yung +Revenge of the Jungle Tiger By Claude Balls +The Disappointed Old Maid By Dickie Small +Sailor Beware By Don Bendover +The Open Kimono By Seymore Hare +The Protruding Pajama Leg By Lotta Dicks +The Yellow Stream By I.P. Daily +By A Waterfall By U.P. Standing +The Ruptured Japanese By Hung Low +The Flip Dizzy Hawaiian By Lacka Nookie +The Bride's First Night By Peter B. Kyne +Blood On The Picnic Ground By Buster Cherry +The Sex Mad Russian By Ivantor Titsoff +The Anxious Moment By R.U. Cummin +The Old Fashioned Way By Ilene Back +The Rooster's Mistake By Rhoda Duck +Rip In The Matress By Mr. Completely +The Self-Made Man By Peter Long +The Sixty-Ninth Romance By E.R. French +Back To Back By Will E. Tyrn +Love Thy Own Self By O.E. Pullit and Howie Pullit +Vacation In France By Hugo Down +Paree', I Give My Life To Thee By Ben Eaten +The Great Rubber Failure By Iva Child +The German's Favorite Spot By Herr Bottom +The Ideal Husband By John Henry Everhard +How To Reduce A Fat Woman By Ryder Moore +Birth Control By Iona Syringe +Teen Mother By Pasteur Period + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + There was once a rich man who knew that, within a month, he would die +of cancer. So he invited three of his best friends, an engineer, a doctor, +a lawyer, to a bequest. The dying man said, "I have worked hard for my +entire life, for money, and as such I have decided that I want to be buried +with it. However, since the state prohibits all objects from being placed +in the casket, except for the deceased and one set of clothing, I will +need your help." He continued, "Therefore, I will give each of you $1 +million. On the day of the funeral, each of you will approach the casket +and secretly throw the money into the casket." The three friends took +the money and left. A month later, after the funeral, the three remaining +friends gathered at a bar to drown their sorrow. The engineer broke the +silence and said, "I have to confess. Times have been hard lately, so I +kept $10,000 for myself. I can't believe that I was so weak, I'm truly +sorry ..." The doctor, moved by his friend's confession, also spoke up. +"I've also betrayed our friend's memory," he sobbed. "My wife wanted +another BMW, so I took out $40,000 ..." After they settled down, both +the engineer and the doctor looked at the lawyer, who had yet to reveal +any indiscretions. The lawyer immediately got indignant at the stares he +was getting and said, "Don't think that because I am a lawyer that I would +rip him off like you two did." He continued, "I did my part - I threw in +a check for the full $1 million." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day a indian squaw came across a new water well that had some of the +best water that she had found. She collected some of the water and took it +back to her husband. The Squaw said, "I have found new well with good water. +Have some." Her husband responded, "Me very thirsty; let me taste water." +He gulped the water down and said, "Water very good, but strong brave +husband still thirsty. Squaw fetch more water." The squaw fetched more +water from the new well, returned some time later, and said, "Here is more +water for brave husband." Her husband replied, "Big brave very thirsty," +as he gulped down the water. He then said, "Water very good, but strong +brave -still- thirsty. Squaw fetch more water." So the squaw went back to +the well, returned some time later, and said to her husband, "I could not +get more water for brave husband." Her husband responded, "Why is that? Has +new well already gone dry?" The squaw replied, "No, white man sitting on +well." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Harold suspected his wife of playing around on the side, so one day he took +the afternoon off and comes home extra early. He entered his apartment, +which was on the 3rd floor, and started looking around. Upon entering the +bedroom he found his wife laying in bed. On her nightstand was a lit ciga- +rette. In the ashtray on his nightstand, on the other side of the bed, +there was another lit cigarette. Harold went beserk. After beating his wife +upside the head, he proceeded to search the apartment. It was not long +before he spotted a pair of hands hanging on the window sill, outside +the bedroom. He grabbed one of the ashtrays and pounded on the hands until +the battered fingers let go. Despite falling thirty feet the cuckold was +still alive and trying to crawl away. Now worried that he might go to jail +if his wife's lover lived to tell the police, Harold ran into the kitchen +and pushed the refrigerator into the bedroom and out the window. He was +so worked up, and the refrigerator was so heavy, that the effort of +pushing it out the window gave poor Harold a heart attack, and he died. + +When Harold arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked Harold what had +happened to him. Harold told his story, and Peter let him in. Soon there- +after a second guy showed up for admission to Heaven. When St. Peter asked +him why he was there, he said "I don't know what happened, I was a window +cleaner. I was working on the fifth floor of an apartment building when +my safety strap broke and I fell. I caught myself on the ledge of a 3rd +floor apartment. Then somebody smashed my hands and made me fall to the +sidewalk. I was stunned, but okay. The next thing I know, I look up and +there is a refrigerator coming down at me ..." He too was allowed in. +It was not long before a third potential angel approached the gates. +St. Peter asked the third guy, "What happened to you?" The guy said, +"I don't know. I was sitting in this refrigerator minding my own +business ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Dear Mr. Smith, + + We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model +and represent our product - TROJAN CONDOMS. Although your general apearance +is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feel that your wearing our pro- +duct does not portray a positive, romantic image of our product. A loose, +baggy and wrinkled condom is not considered romantic. We did admire your +efforts to firm it up by using polygrip, but even then it slipped off +before we could get a photograph taken. We would like to note, however, +that we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle grip until now. + + We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will +retain your application for future consideration, if by some chance we +decide there is a market for micro-mini condoms. We send our greetings +deepest sympathy to your wife and/or girlfriend. + +Very truly yours, + +Jack Meoff +President + +P.S. Remember our slogans: "Cover your stump before you hump." + "Don't be silly, protect your willy." + "Before you attack her, wrap your whacker." + "If you are not going to sack it, go home + and whack it." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How can you keep from being bitten by a tsetse fly? + +A: Keep your tsetse covered at all times! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What did Princess Grace have that Natalie Wood could have used? + +A: A stroke. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +After the football game, an Aggie went out with his friends for beers and +maybe to get a piece of ass. He came back with a chunk of skin ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Bill and I went golfing the other day. We were in the middle of the sixth +fairway when stopped in midswing and took off his hat in deference to a +funeral procession that was passing by. Usually, he just played on ignoring +all distractions. Impressed with his behavior, I did the same. When the +procession had passed, I asked him, "Bill, that was damn respectful of you +to pause for a procession like that. Why the unusual behavior?" "It's the +least I could do for my wife ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why do tampons have strings? + +A: So that the crabs can go bunji jumping. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There once was a dumb blonde who went to see her doctor. When the time came +for the pelvic exam, he nearly fell in. You see, she thought she was +suppossed to have three hearty -males- per day ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why did all the other Iraqis laugh at Hakim when they caught him fucking + a sheep? + +A: Because he picked one of the ugly ones. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What is the first warning sign of old age? + +A: When you've been in bed all night with a woman and the dawn comes, but + you haven't. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's jello? + +A: Kool aid with a hard-on. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do you sneak up on a celery? + +A: Stalk. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the tight end who was sentenced to a prison term? When +he was paroled he was a wide receiver. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why did God create man? +A: Because you can't teach a dildo to cut the lawn. + +Q: Why did create woman? +A: Because you can't teach a sheep to cook. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An polack walked into a travel agency and demanded the special Hawaiian +tour. The travel agent said, "I'm sorry, I handle Caribbean cruises. Hawaiin +tours are just through the door." So the polack opened the door. As he was +walking through the door, someone hit him over the head, knocking him uncon- +cious, stole his wallet, and threw him in the dumpster. Later that day, +an aggie walked into the same travel agency and asked for the same Hawaiian +tour. Again, the travel agent explained that he handled cruises and sent +the aggie to the office next door. As soon as the aggie opened the door, +he got the same treatment. When the polack and the aggie woke up, they found +themselves floating in the middle of the ocean on a small raft. The aggie +looked at polack and asked, "I wonder if they'll fly us back?" The polack +responded knowingly, "They didn't last year ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I have nothing against Michael Jackson, but if my son ever goes around +wearing just one glove, he better be playing baseball! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +If you jogged backward would you gain weight? + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Since the Post Office implemented mandatory random drug testing, not one +carrier has tested positive for speed ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Ever notice that when the doorbell rings, the dog's the first one to the +door, but it's never for him? + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One morning, the county sheriff was having a cup of coffee at the donut shop, +when all of a sudden a kid on a tricycle zoomed down the street. The sheriff +was so startled he spilled coffee all over himself, but the tricycle was gone +before anything could be done; it had been going at least 50. Later that +afternoon while the sheriff was enjoying a nap behind a billboard, the +same boy zoomed by again, doing about 70. The sheriff was again startled, +but decided he ought to do something before the kid sideswiped a semi. +So the sheriff set up a speed trap. No sooner had the sheriff finished, +than the kid came screaming down the sidewalk about 80! The sheriff spun +gravel and hauled ass after the speeding tricycle. The kid immediately +pulled over. "Did ya'll know thah ya'll wus SPEE-ding?" drawled the sheriff, +"And how did ya'll git thah tri-CEE-cle tuh go thah fast anyway?" The little +boy replied, "There's a little motor under the seat." "Like hail!" said +the sheriff, who proceeded to look under the seat. "Wuhl I'll be damned!" +said the sheriff, "Whuh did ya'll git such a pow-ful little mohtuh?" "I got +it from an artificial lung," said the boy. "Ya'll papa let ya'll do thah? +Didn't he have a thing tuh say 'bout thah?" "No," said the boy, "He just +said 'U-u-u-u-uhhhhh ...'" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you call a man with no arms and no legs: + +In a butcher shop? Chuck. +In the mail? Bill. +On a circuit board? Chip. +In a hole? Phil. +On the wall? Art. +(Two guys) on a window sill? Curt & Rod. +Lying in a pile of leaves? Russel. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you do with a legless dog? + +A: Take him for a drag. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three gays are driving around San Francisco, when they had to stop for a +red light. Unfortunately, the large semi-trailer behind them burned out +his breaks on the steep downgrade and slammed into the back of the gays' +car. Bruce, the gay who was driving, looked at his buddies and asked if +they were okay. One friend, Harvey, complained of a sore neck. So Bruce +jumped out of the car, stormed up to the truck, and pounded on the door +saying, "I hope you've got good insurance buddy, my friend is really hurt!" +The truck driver, a real road hog, rolled down the window and said, "Suck +my motherfucking dick, you faggot!" Bruce just smiled and pranced back to +his car. "We're in luck fellas," said Bruce, "he wants to settle out of +court ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why was Liberace buried with his ass sticking out of the ground? + +A: So his friends could drop by for a cold one. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do Rock Hudson and Len Bias have in common? + +A: They both died of a bad case of crack. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Bill the Cat + + _ __/| + \'o.O' + =(___)= + U + ; ' + ' + ' +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A young man, in love with a girl he wanted to make love to, was so ashamed +of his small penis that he was afraid of bringing up the question, or of +letting her see him naked. One dark night he drove her around in his car +and parked in a dark lane. As they kissed, he surreptitiously opened his +fly and put his weapon in her hand. "Thanks," she said, "But you know I +don't smoke." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +BANANA CAKE RECIPE + +Ingredients: + +2 laughing eyes +2 loving arms +2 well shaped legs +1 large banana +2 firm milk containers +1 fur lined mixing bowl. + +Method: + +1. Look into laughing eyes +2. Spread well shaped legs apart +3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently +4. Add banana and gently work in and out until well greased +5. Cover with nuts and sigh with relief. + +Note: + +The cake is done when the banana is soft. Make sure to wash utensils and +do not lick the bowl. + +Important: + +If the cake starts to rise, leave town. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + One night, Luke Duke picked up Daisy at the bar. They were on their +way to the local lover's lane when a traffic light changed from green to +red. Luke gunned the engine and sped through the red light. Curious, Daisy +asked, "Why did you do that?" Luke just said, "Don't worry, my brother does +it all the time." At the next intersection, the light changed again. Again +they sped through it. Daisy, starting to reconsider the wisdom of being in +the same vehicle as Luke, asked, "Why do you keep doing that?" "Don't +worry," replied Luke, "my brother drives like this." At the next inter- +section, the last one in the town with a light, the light turned green. +As all the other pick-up trucks started moving, Luke screeched to a rubber +burning halt. Daisy, by now in a panic, screamed, "What are you doing?!" +Replied Luke, "I have to be careful; my bother might be coming the other +way ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Do you have a brain, or is that just a walnut stuck in your skull? + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One night at a bar in San Francisco, a sailor and marine, both on shore +leave, started arguing about which service was better, who could drink more, +who had the bigger dick, etc. Well, needless to say, the bartender stepped +in and said, "Okay, let's settle this once and for all; whip em' out!" So +the two guys whipped their dicks out and laid them on the bar. Just then +a fag walked in. The bartender told the two guys to hold on for a sec while +he served the fag. The bartender asked the fag what he'd have. "Well, I was +going to have a white wine spritzer," the fag lisped as he looked down +the bar at the two guys with their cranks hanging out, "but now I think +I'll have the buffet." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Well, I went and did it. I called one of those 1-900 phone sex lines. The +call wasn't all that bad; just one bad side-effect: I had one hell of an +ear infection the next day! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One night three vampires entered a bar. When the bartender asked them what +they would like to drink, the first vamipire said he wanted a pint of blood, +the second vampire said that he too would have a pint of blood, and the last +vampire said he'd have a pint of plasma. The bartender took a step back and +said, "Let me see if I got this right. That's two bloods and a blood-lite?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +TELECOMMUNICATIONS DICTIONARY + +Term Definition. +----- --------------- +Modem ................. What landscapers do to dem lawns. +Token Ring ............ A virtual engagement gift. +Ethernet .............. A device for catching the Ether Bunny. +DataPac ............... A size 14 girl in a size 8 bikini. +Asynch ................ A place to wash your hands. +Bysnch ................ The place where Elton John washes his hands. +BBS ................... Tall tales told by insects that produce honey. +ASCII ................. The ancient god of telecommunications. Rumored to + give vast amounts of data to believers. Hence, + the phrase "ASCII and you shall receive." +Block Parity .......... One heck of a good time. +Carrier Detect ........ Raison d'etre for premarital blood tests. +File Transfer ......... Procedure followed by INFORMATION CENTER staff who + are tired of their present jobs. +Hayes Compatible ...... Prone to riding with a grizzled old cowhand who + sings off-key. Gene Autry is the industry standard. +Serial Interface ...... A spoon. +Terminal Emulation .... A function performed by a canary that lays on its + back with its legs in the air. +X-Modem ............... A device on the losing end of an encounter with + lightning. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There is no ice in the Texas A&M cafeteria because the aggie with the recipe +graduated ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day, Little Saddam was riding his donkey when and he pulled into the +donkey store and said to the owner, "Hey, can you check the asshole on my +donkey?" The guy in the store looked at the donkey's asshole and said, +"There's nothing wrong, why did you think there was?" "Well," said Little +Saddam, "I was riding along minding my own business when two shieks said +`look at the asshole on that donkey.'" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why are lawyers buried 24 feet deep? + +A: Because deep down they're nice people. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the accountant who was half Jewish, and half Polish? He +embezzled the accounts payable ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I have found the perfect woman, +I could not ask for more, +She is deaf, dumb, oversexed, +And she owns a liquor store. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Three yuppers, Sven, Ole and Karl, were sitting in a boat fishing. +It was a grey autumn morning, a light drizzle fell from the skies and the +lake reflected like the color of old pewter. The fishermen became dazed, +hypnotized by the mesmerizing act of watching thier lines. Karl fell out +of the boat. Five minutes went by ... Ten minutes went by ... Fifteen +minutes went by ... "Hey," said Sven, "where's Karl?" "Oh My God!" cried +Ole, "He's fallen into the lake!" So Sven stripped off his raincoat and +heavy jacket and leapt into the water, diving frantically to find his +missing pal. A minute later, Sven surfaced and heaved the limp and dripping +wet lost fisherman into the boat. Ole immediately began CPR. "Hey," said Ole +as he came up for air, "I don't remember Karl's breath being -that- bad." +"Hey," scowled Sven, "Come to think of it, I don't remember Karl being +dressed in a snowmobile suit either ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An eight year old girl tried checking a book out of the library, titled +'Advice for Young Mothers.' The librarian, being a typically nosey and +puritanical librarian, asked, "Why do you want to check out this particular +book, dear?" The little girl replied, "Because I collect moths." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two maintenance men, Pat O'Brien and Ivan Petrovich were working around on +the launch pad of the space shuttle one day, when Pat noticed some fuel +leaking from one of the o-ring seals. Ivan immediately notified mission +control, which instructed Ivan and Pat to try to contain the fuel spill +until NASA could figure out what else to do. So, Pat and Ivan started +putting buckets, cans, jars, and whatever else they could find, under the +leaking engines. After several hours (it took the NASA bureaucracy -long- +time to figure out who to blame) Ivan decided to taste the fuel. + +Ivan: "Hey, Pat! Take a sip of this shit. It ain't half-bad." + +Pat: "Are you crazy?" + +Ivan: "No, really. It's kinda like vodka or something." + +Pat: "Hey, you're right! This -is- good stuff ..." + +Ivan: "Yea, and I think I'm getting a good buzz off it too ..." + +So, Pat and Ivan continued to consume their new-found source of entertain- +ment. The fuel spill was quickly disposed of. The next morning, Ivan got a +phone call. + +Ivan: "Hello?" + +Pat: "Hey Ivan, how are feeling?" + +Ivan: "Pretty good, actually. I don't have a hangover or nuthin'!" + +Pat: "Have you gone to the bathroom yet?" + +Ivan: "No, why?" + +Pat: "Because I'm calling you from Australia ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call a fat Chinese girl? + +A: A chunk. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How are jello and woman alike? + +A: They both wiggle when you eat them. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + One night a travelling salesman found that he had stayed on the road +too long, and that he was stranded in the middle farm country with no place +to sleep. Naturally, he sought refuge at the nearest farm house. The farmer +agreed to let him stay, but only as long as "you don't sneak upstairs to my +daughter's room." The salesman promised but, as with all travelling sales- +men, he found it hard to resist the lure of a farmer's daughter. + + In the middle of the night the salesman crept up the stairs to the +daughter's room, where he found her naked, spread-eagled on the bed. The +salesman immediately dove between her legs and started eating her out. He +had just gotten his tongue wet, when he got a mouthful of rice. Undeterred, +he spit out the rice and resumed his tongue lashing. Once again, he got +a mouthful of rice. Puzzled, but still horny, he started eating her out +again. When he got another mouthful of rice, and still no response from +the daughter, the salesman gave up and went back to bed. + + The next morning the salesman told the farmer, "I have to confess: +Last night I went up to your daughter's room." "That's okay son," replied +the kindly, old farmer. "And I have to confess that I had oral sex with +her," continued the salesman. "I ain't got a quarrel with that, son," +replied the kindly, old farmer. "But I have just one question," concluded +the salesman, "Why is it that every time I ate her, I kept getting a mouth- +ful of rice?" "Oh that?" said the kindly, old farmer, "Them's maggots - +she's been dead ten years." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?? + +A: Two - One to do it, and one to write a sensitive folk song about it. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +After months of scrimping and bargain hunting to make ends meet, a woman +begged her tight-fisted husband to give her some shopping money. "Can't you +just give me an extra ten dollars so I can buy a roast?" she asked. Her +husband pulled a ten-dollar bill from his pocket and held it up to the +mirror. "See the money in the mirror? That's yours. And this," he said, +putting the ten-spot back in his pocket, "is mine." The next evening, he +went home to find the table filled with a Roman feast of glazed ham, stuffed +hens, fresh fruit, steaming veggies, baked alaska, etc, etc, etc. "Where +did you get the money for all this?" the husband barked. His wife took him +to the mirror. "See this body in the mirror? That's yours. And this one," she +said, pulling off her dress, "is the grocer's." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Once upon a time, a man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie +appeared. The genie offered him one wish (he was a stingy genie). "I want +to be rock hard and get plenty of ass for the rest of my life," said the +man. So the genie turned him into a toilet. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +RIDDLE + +Q: A man is in the middle of a basketball court, bleeding from the temple, + and unconscious. How did it happen? + +A: Bill Laimbeer elbowed him ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +At a football game between Southern Methodist and Notre Dame, two Texans, +Bo and Jimbob, were seated behind two nuns. Bo said to his friend, "I can't +wait to get back to Dallas. There are only ten Catholics there." "I can't +wait to get back to Houston. There are only five Catholics there," replied +Jimbob. This went on for quite some time before one of the nuns finally lost +her temper and hissed, "Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any catholics +there!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +You were so ugly as a kid that, on Halloween, your mother put peanut butter +around your lips and sent you out as an asshole! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A young lady went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor started looking +her over and noticed a rash, in the shape of a "Y," on her chest. When he +asked her to explain its origin, she stammered, "Well ... you see ... uh +... my boyfriend goes to Yale, and ... er ... well, he likes to make love +with his sweater on." "That's no problem," said the doctor, as he gave her +a tube 'Rash-Away.' A few days later, a second young lady went to see the +same doctor. When the doctor started examining the second young lady, he +noticed she had an "H"-shaped rash on her chest. When he asked her to +explain its origin, she stammered, "Well ... you see ... uh ... my boy- +friend goes to Harvard, and ... well, he likes to make love with his +sweater on." "That's no problem," said the doctor, as he gave her a tube +of 'Rash-Away.' A few weeks later, a third young lady went to the same +doctor. When the doctor started checking her over, he noticed she had an +"M"-shaped rash. "Don't tell me," said the doctor, "Your boyfriend goes +to Michigan and he likes to make love with his sweater on ..." "Well, not +exactly," said the woman. "My girlfriend goes to Wisconsin and ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO DETROIT + +One day ima go to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Igo down to eat breakfast. I +tella the waitress, "I wanna two piss's toast." She bring only one piss. I +tella her, "I wanna two piss." She say, "Go to the toilet." I say, "You no +understand. I wanna two piss in my plate." She say, "You better no piss on +the plate, you sonnamabitch!" I don't even know the lady and she call me a +sonnamabitch! Later, I go to eat lunch at a fancy restaurant. The waitress +bringa me a spoon ana knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She +tellsa me, "Everybody wanna fock." I tella her, "You no understand. I wanna +fock on the table." She say, "You better not fock on the table, you sonnama- +bitch!" So I go back to my room in the hotel, and there's no sheet on my +bed! I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to +the toilet, so I say, "You no understand, I wanna sheet on the bed." He +say, "You better not sheet on the bed, you sonnamabitch!" I finally fedda +up and go to check out. The man at the desk, he say, "Peace to you." I say, +Piss onna you too, you sonnamabitch! I go back to Italy ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why does an elephant have four feet? + +A: Because he would look stupid with eight inches. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the best thing to come out of a dick? + +A: The wrinkles. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One weekend, a yupper and an aggie were arguing about who had the best way +of folding a parachute. They finally decided the best way to judge would be +to go up in a plane, jump out, and see which parachute performed better. +So they both went up and jumped out of the plane at the same time. The yupper +pulled his ripcord first; the parachute opened and he began drifting slowly +towards the ground. Then the aggie pulled his ripcord, but nothing happened! +The aggie plummeted past the yupper. Cutting his parachute risers, the +yupper yelled, "Oh, so you wanna -RACE- now, eh?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you get when you cross a polack and a mexican? + +A: A kid who spraypaints chainlink fences. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There was a young lady from Sidney, +Who liked it right up to her kidney, +A man from Quebec, +Shoved it up to her neck, +He had a big one, now didn't he? + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + SHE HAD PLENTY OF LIFE INSURANCE. + UNFORTUNATELY, HER PIMP DIED. + +Today, almost every hooker understands how important it is to have life +insurance. The streets can get pretty rough. But what if your pimp is +offed? Who's going to find you new johns? Who's going to supply your smack? +Clearly, his loss would create financial hardships for you and the two +mulatto kids he left behind. With Metropolitan Street Life's new "WHORE +PLUS PLAN," a prostitute can get permanent insurance protection that pro- +vides door-to-door Cadillac service, up to three fixes daily, and a big, +bad motherfucker with a gun - just as if your main man was still around. +What do we ask in return for a safe future? 50% of the action. That's pro- +bably a better deal than he gave you. And we won't beat you upside the head. + + METROPOLITAN STREET LIFE INSURANCE COMPANIES + + "Professionals Helping Professionals" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the two little old ladies feeding pigeons in the park? +Suddenly, a streaker flashed past! One little old lady had a stroke, the +other wasn't quick enough ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two women were sitting next to each other, under the hair dryers in a beauty +shop. One turned to the other and said, "Tell me, do you and your husband +have mutual orgasm?" The other woman said, "Oh no, we have State Farm." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two polack junkies, shooting up heroin in a back alley, kept passing the +same needle to each other. After awhile, one polack said, "Hey, what we're +doing is a high risk activity for aids!" The other replied, "Don't worry, +we're wearing condoms." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day, a lady walked into a Sears store and asked for a hinge for her +door. "Do you want a screw for this hinge?" inquired the clerk. The lady +looked around the store and replied, "No, but I'll screw you for that +oven ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Frank Zappa on Rock Stars: + +"All you have to do today, is grab yer guitar, hold it like its your + weenie, aim it heavenward and play everything you can in 30 seconds." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +You don't buy beer, you rent it ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Harry went to a doctor to have his knees examined. "What are you doing +that's making your knees so raw?" asked the doctor. "Well ... I like to +do it doggie style, doc, and ... well ... I just can't get enough," answered +Harry. Concerned, the doctor advised Harry to "Take it a little easier." +Two weeks later, Harry went back for a follow-up exam; his knees were even +worse - dripping puss and blood. Aghast, the doctor had a hard time con- +trolling his temper. "What the hell are you doing?" said the doctor. "I told +you doc," Harry meekly replied, "I love to do it doggie style." The doctor, +his anger spent, said, "Damn, son, can't you turn her over?" Surprised, +Harry replied, "Hell no doc, have you ever smelled a dog's breath?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Two travelling salesmen, Jack and Bob, were driving through along a +desolate stretch of Kansas highway when their car broke down. It was getting +late, and the only building for miles around was a weather-battered old gas +station a mile up the road. Jack and Bob went up to the adjacent trailor and +knocked on the door. A knarled, old, baggy-titted widow answered the door. +"Ma'am," said Jack, "Our car broke down. Do you think we could stay here +tonight?" "Well," said the widow, "I only have one bed. One of you can sleep +with me, but the other will have to sleep on the porch. Y'all decide who +sleeps where ..." + + Jack and Bob both knew that whoever slept in the widow's bed would have +to screw her ugly, gnarled body, so they flipped a quarter to see who got +the dubious honor. Bob lost and so he slept on the porch. Jack tentatively +crawled under the sheets. The widow lost no time tearing Jack's clothes off +(something he had conveniently neglected to do). "Wait a minute," said Jack, +"I like to do it in the dark." The widow agreed and so Jack got up to turn +out the lights. That was when he noticed a bucket full of corn beside the +bed. When he crawled back under the covers, Jack grabbed an ear of corn and +started screwing the widow with it. Thw widow, being rather 'wide,' did not +notice the difference - she started moaning and screaming. Bob, sleeping +outside, heard all the commotion and crept up to the window so he could +better hear the action. + + Inside, every time the corn got soggy, Jack threw it out the window. +The widow, who hadn't had a man in decades, was insatiable and so the corn- +screwing went on all night. The next morning, their car repaired, Jack and +Bob were driving along, when Bob started giggling. "What's so funny?" asked +Jack. Bob started guffawing. "What the hell is so funny?" shouted Jack. Bob, +finally regaining control of himself, said, "Last night while you had to +screw that ugly widow, I was a laying back eating buttered corn!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +If pro is the opposite of con, then congress is the opposite of ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A maid arrived at work one day to find Leona Helmsley hanging from the +ceiling, with one hand grasping the chandelier, and the other clenched +tightly around her throat. Under her dangling feet was an overturned chair. +Her tongue was blue and protruding. She was obviously dead. As the coroner +took the deceased Leona away, the maid said to a paramedic, "She always was +a cheap bitch ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the whale found on the beach? I was listening on the +radio the other day when I heard that the Sea World veternarian had deter- +mined the cause of death to be AIDS. The vet said that he couldn't figure +out how a whale had come down with such a disease. The only conclusion he +could draw was that it must have been rammed by a ferry ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Marvin was the world's oldest virgin. After years and years of putting ads +in singles' papers and enlisting in dating services, he was nearly penni- +less. In desperation, he went to a whorehouse. "Lady," Marvin said to the +madam, "I'm desperate. I need to get laid - and all I got is this quarter!" +The madam, like all madams, had a heart of gold. She said, "I'm here to +help you. Go see the girl in the last room ... And keep the change." So, +Marvin went down the hall to the last room. There he found a fat, ugly +whore, naked, spread-eagled on the bed. But Marvin didn't care, he just +wanted to screw. So, he tore off his clothes and dove between her legs. +Marvin had just begun to the eat out the whore when he got a mouthfull +of beef. So intent was Marvin on getting laid, he thought nothing of it; +he spit out the beef and resumed tongue lashing the whore. A minute later +Marvin got a mouthfull of carrots. Even though he was starting to get a +little worried, Marvin was still more horny than worried - he spit out +the carrots and returned to eating the whore. Within seconds, Marvin got +a mouthfull of peas. Spitting out the peas he yelled, "What's the matter? +Are you sick or something?" "No," replied the whore, "but the guy before +you was ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Some notes on friends: + +1) You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't +pick your friend's nose! + +2) You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't +roll your friends into little green balls! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Scotsman was on a fishing trip in the northwoods of Canada. "What's that +over yon'?" the Scotsman asked of his guide. "That's a moose, eh," said the +guide. "Aye!" exclaimed the Scotsman, with raised eyebrow. "If that be a +moose, I'd be sure an to hate to see your rats!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man named Smith stopped by the doctor's office to see what the doc found +wrong with Mrs. Smith. The doctor told Mr. Smith that he had treated two +Mrs. Smith's that day, and that the secretary had mixed up their records. +"Your wife," continued the dcotor, "either has AIDS or Alzheimer's." Mr. +Smith asked, "How do I tell which one my wife has?" "Take her out in the +woods," said the doctor, "and leave her there. If she finds her way back +home, don't screw her." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do you make a dead baby float? + +A: Add a scoop of ice cream and some root beer. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young +charges, and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grow up. A +twelve year old said, "I want to be a prostitute." The Mother Superior +fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head +from the ground and gasped, "What-did-you-say?!" The young girl shrugged, +"I want to be a prostitute." "A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said. "Oh +praise sweet Jesus! And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do you double the price of a yugo? + +A: Fill up the gas tank. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The foreman at the sawmill wasn't eager to hire the blind man because of +the obvious risks involved, but the guy begged for a chance. "You'll see," +he said. "Just put me downstream of the saw and and I'll smell the type and +length of the lumber and stack it accordingly." + +So the foreman agreed to give it a shot. Positioning the blind man, he +sent down a twelve-foot piece of pine. "Ahhh ..." said the man, breathing +in deeply, "pine, twelve-foot." And he stacked it in the right place. The +foreman repeated the test with oak and redwood, fir and mohagony, and the +blind guy didn't miss once. Then, getting a sly look on his face, the fore- +man sent for the office secretary, old Mabel, and told her to hike up her +skirts and ride down the conveyor belt. + +Mabel rode through, faceup, right past the blind man. Sniffing furiously +and looking very puzzled, he asked that the last piece of wood be sent +through again. The foreman complied, but not before telling Mabel, skirt +still up, to turn over. After a few moments of reflection, the blind man +turned to the foreman with a with a triumphant smile. "I've got it!" he +proclaimed, "That's the shithouse door from a tuna boat!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Carpenter's Joke + +Did you hear about the house that the two lesbians built? Not a single stud +was used. It was all tounge and groove. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? + +A: No one cries when you slice up a lawyer. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why did they stop the leper baseball game? + +A: Someone dropped a ball in left field. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Advice is like bullshit - everyone wants to give you a load of it. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day, three baby boys were born in the hospital, at the same time, and +the nurses got them mixed up. They were Jewish, Polish and German. Everyone +stood around wondering how to sort them out, when the German father stepped +forward, clicked his heals, and shouted, "Achtung!" The german baby jumped +up, threw his hand in the air, and replied "Seig Heil!" The Jewish baby shit +his diapers and the Polish baby played in it. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the hardest key to turn? + +A: A don-key. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How does a male octopus ask a female octopus to marry him? + +A: Can I have your hand, your hand, your hand, your hand ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +It's cute when a two-year old kid spits jello at you - It's not cute when +your 98-year old great-grandmother spits jello at you ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + There once was a guy named Benny. He was sitting in the bleachers at Fenway +one day when Wade Boggs hit a homerun. He told the guy next to him, Eddie, +that he knew everyone. Eddie seriously doubted this and bet twenty dollars +Benny did not know Wade Boggs. So, after the game, they went to the club- +house where the great third baseman shook Benny's hand and invited him out +for beers. Eddie was impressed, but not satisfied; he bet $1000 that Benny +did not know the President of the United States. So, Benny and Eddie went +to the White House, where the President invited them to a State Dinner +honoring the Queen of England. Eddie was astonished! Still he was doubtful +that Benny knew -EVERYONE-. He bet a million dollars that Benny did not know +the Pope. So, Benny and Eddie went to St. Peter's Square in Rome. There the +Pope was saying mass for 100,000 people. Benny walked up and stood behind +the Pope. After the mass, just as the Pope embraced Benny warmly, Benny +noticed Eddie fainting. Benny rushed over to Eddie and woke him up with +smelling salts. "What happened Eddie?" Benny asked. Eddie replied, "I was +surprised when you knew Wade Boggs, and shocked when you knew the President, +but when a guy tapped me on the shoulder and asked, 'Who is that guy with +Benny?'..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. I get no respect - +my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I call my dog Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: On what side of a building does the sun always shine? + +A: The outside. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What did the parakeet say when he finished shopping? + +A: Just put it on my bill. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +She was so ugly, that when she worked in a pet store people kept asking +how big she would get ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why does it take a turkey less time than an elephant to get ready for + a trip? + +A: Because he only takes his comb, and the elephant takes a trunk. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A budget is a plan for going broke methodically. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I tell ya' I get no respect. I was making love to this girl and she started +crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, +"No - I hate myself NOW ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the Italian who found a new way to cover up the smell +of his breath? He holds up his arms ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +My Grandmother always had a twinkle in her eyes. Turns out it was +cataracts ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What state is most like a tiny cola? + +A: Minne-soda. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I was tired one night, so I went to a bar to have a few drinks. I tell ya' +I get no respect. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" When I said, +"Surprise me," he showed me a naked picture of my wife. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The hillbilly wedding ceremony had just concluded. The groom thrust his hand +into the pocket of his tattered overalls and asked the preacher what he owed +him. "In these here parts, we don't charge for no hitchin', but you kin pay +accordin' to your bride's beauty," the preacher beamed. So, the groom handed +the preacher a dollar bill. Whereupon, the preacher raised the bride's veil, +took a look and dug into his own pocket. "Here's fifty cents change." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +John and Mike entered the Boston Marathon. After they'd been running for +awhile, they were passed by another runner. "I know that guy," John said, +"That's Bill Rodgers - he won the race a couple of years ago." A few minutes +later, another racer passed them with long, loping strides. "And that was +Grete Waitz!" John exclaimed. Just then, ambulance sirens began to wail in +the distance, and a runner sprinted by so quickly that he was just a blur. +"Who was THAT?" Mike asked. "Him?" John answered. "He's some lawyer ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +When a man was reading the newspaper, his wife asked, "Will you still love +me when I'm old and gray?" "Sure I do," he mumbled. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A woman walked into a savings & loan and said to the loan officer, "I'd like +to talk to you about a loan." "Great!" the ecstatic loan officer replied, +"How much can you give us?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +My ex-wife was so ugly that after we got divorced, she got a job in prison +curing sex offenders. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's Pee-Wee Herman's favorite baseball team? + +A: The Montreal Expos. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do passionate women put behind thier ears to attract men? + +A: Thier ankles. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man visited his doctor and complained of feeling bad. Because there were +no apparent medical problems, the doctor gave the patient a thorough exam; +he found nothing wrong. After thinking on the situation for a few minutes, +the doctor asked the patient about his diet. "Tell me what you typically +eat for breakfast," the doctor said. "Oh, a pound of bacon, a dozen eggs, +a loaf of toasted bread, two or three pots of coffee. And maybe six or +seven dounuts if I'm really hungry." "That's a pretty big breakfast," the +doctor said. "What do you eat for lunch?" "Nine or ten hamburgers, four or +five milkshakes, and a pie or two." The doctor was amazed. "And what do +you have for dinner?" "That's my big meal," said the patient. "I usually +have three or four helpings of salad, four or five steaks, five or six +baked potatoes, eight or nine dinner rolls and five or six pots of coffee." +The doctor shook his head and said, "Drop your pants again; then turn +around and bend over." The man did so and after the doctor looked closely +he told the guy, "There's your problem! You have only one asshole ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The best investment of the savings and loan industry was in the U.S. +Congress. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do Hiroshima, Nagasaki and Baghdad have in common? + +A: Nothing - yet ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: If Tarzan and Jane were jewish, what would cheetah be? + +A: A fur coat. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three men - Myron the lawyer, Vinnie the teamster, and J.D. the aggie - +proposed marriage to an eligible young lady. Mary couldn't decide which +proposal to accept (Myron had a prestigious job, Vinnie was a manly man, +and J.D. the aggie was filthy rich), so she told them, "We'll have a con- +test. I'll marry whoever brings me the most ping-pong balls." A couple of +days later, Myron the lawyer came back with an attache case full of ping- +pong balls. "Would you please marry me, please?" Myron begged. Mary was +about to accede to Myron when they heard a rumble outside. Vinnie the +teamster huffed into Mary's apartment and threw open the curtain. There, +on the lawn, were his buddies unloading crate after crate of ping-pong +balls from a huge semi. "Yo," growled Vinnie, "Why don't youse marry me?" +Totally surprised, Mary told Vinnie the teamster, "Well it looks like it's +going to be you and me, but I want to be fair; we have to wait for J.D." It +was a long wait. Several months later, J.D. the aggie showed up. His clothes +were in rags, his body a mass of cuts and bruises, but J.D. was carrying two +HUGE round objects on his shoulders. "What happened to you?" Mary asked J.D. +"I waited all this time," she cried, "and you didn't even bring me any ping- +pong balls!" "Ping-pong balls?" said J.D. the aggie, "I thought you said +King Kong's balls ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How can you tell when a jewish couple is having sex doggy-style? + +A: He sits up and begs, then she rolls over and plays dead. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three recently deceased college graduates, one from Harvard, one from Baylor +and the last from Texas A&M, showed up at the Pearly Gates. The Gates were +in desperate need of repair, so St. Peter asked the three potential angels +to make a bid on the repair project. Since they all agreed, St. Peter gave +each of them a copy of the specs and said, "Study them overnight and have +your bids ready in the morning." The next morning, St. Peter asked the +three, "What are your bids?" The aggie bid $3,000. "What's the breakdown?" +St. Peter asked. "A thousand for labor, a thousand for materials, and a +thousand for overhead and profit," replied the aggie. St. Peter jotted down +the figures and asked the Harvard man, "What's your bid?" After the Harvard +man replied "Six thousand" St. Peter asked him for the breakdown. "Two for +labor, two for material and two for overhead and profit." St. Peter, frown- +ing at the second bid, turned to the Baylor grad and asked, "Can you do any +better?" "Nine thousand," said the Baylor grad. "NINE thousand?!" thundered +St. Peter, "What is YOUR breakdown?" The Baylor grad confidently replied, +"Three for you, three for me and three to get the aggie to do it." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do you tell a polish ladder from a normal one? + +A: Polish ladders have "STOP" stenciled at the top. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the yupper that thought intercourse was a state highway? + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza +with everybody on it ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A pilot and a blind guy went up in an airplane. Unfortunately, the pilot +had a heart attack and died. The blind guy radioed, "Mayday, Mayday!" to +the tower. "We have a dead pilot, I'm blind, and we're flying upside down!" +"How do you know you're upside down if you're blind?" the tower asked. +"Because the shit's running down my collar!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Life is like a shit sandwich: + +The more bread you have, +The less shit you have to eat. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How can you tell if a pig is drunk? + +A: She starts buying the drinks ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A mortician's daughter named Maddie, +Told an eager, but virginal, young laddie, +"If you do as I say, +We can have a great lay, +Since I've buried more stiffs than my daddy." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +(Bumper Sticker) + +Divorce is the screwing you get for the screwing you got! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Early one spring, a saleswoman's car broke down in the middle of Northern +Michigan. After miles of walking, she found a farmhouse with two men sitting +on the front porch. "My car broke down; can I stay here tonight?" the sales- +woman asked the yuppers. "No problem," said Sven. "But you have to do a +favor for us, eh?" said Ole. The saleswoman agreed, adding "But you have +to wear these rubbers to keep me from getting pregnant." So the night +passed, and all concerned had a great amount of fun. The next day the sales- +woman got her car fixed and continued on her way. That fall, while they were +cutting wood, Sven turned to Ole and asked, "You know, what do we care if +that lady gets pregnant, eh?" "You know Sven," replied Ole, "I think you're +right. Why don't we take the rubbers off?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm. Grandpa +was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, +as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway. "In my day," +grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then +study late into the night hoping to pass our classes." "But grandpa," replied +the grandson, "that is a whore's shoe ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +(Daffynition) + +Jewish Dilemma (n): Free ham. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three friends got together and went to Mexico for a holiday. While they +were there they were picked up for buying and smoking pot and were sent +before a firing squad. The Federales lined up the three young Texans and +put blindfolds on them. The boy from Rice thought 'I must do something to +get out of this,' so he jerked off his blindfold and yelled, "Tornado!" +When the firing squad looked up, he ran away. The boy from Houston, not +thinking quite as quickly, jerked off his blindfold and yelled, "Cyclone!" +When the firing squad looked up, he ran away also. The aggie heard all +this going on and thought 'This will really fool them,' so he jerked off +his blindfold and yelled, "Fire!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the aggie that shot his dog? He heard that his best +friend was screwing his wife! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear that Milli Vanilli is putting out their autobiography? No +word, yet, on who the author(s) will be ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One fall, a group of gays went duck hunting in Canada. After shooting +several ducks, a game warden jumped out of the woods and asked the gays +for their hunting licenses. After showing the gays displayed the required +documents, the warden picked up a duck, stuck his finger up the its ass, +and announced, "You know this is a wood duck? You got a wood duck hunting +license, eh?" When one hunter produced a wood duck hunter's license, the +game warden stuck his finger up another duck's ass and announced, "This +is a mallard. You got a mallard hunting license, eh?" As another hunter +produced his mallard hunter's license, he asked the warden, "Why am I +being subjected to this abuse?" "Where you from, hoser?" asked the warden. +Whereupon the hunter turned around, bent over, and lisped, "Stick your +finger up there and find out for yourself." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's red, green and drips down the wall? + +A: Granpa's final cough. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two fags havin a chat ... + +Bruce: Guess what? I've given up smoking! + +Lance: Oh Yeah? What do you do now, instead? + +Bruce: I suck lifesavers. + +Lance: Thats okay for you - you live close to the beach. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A woman was unable to conceive, so she went to her doctor. The doctor told +her about the latest medical discovery, and told her to swallow three ball +bearings. The very next day, the woman got pregnant. Not only was she preg- +gers, but she was expecting triplets! Nine months later, she had two daugh- +ters and a son - one for each ball bearing. Twelve years after that, the +first daughter came running up to her and said, "Mommy mommy, I was doing +a pee in the toilet, and a little ball bearing fell out!" The mother +thought that her daughter had started menstruating, so she replied, "Don't +worry. I know all about it, and everything will be fine." A week after that, +the second daughter came running up to her mother and said, "Mommy mommy, +I was doing a pee in the toilet, and a little ball bearing fell out!" The +mother thought that her second daughter was also becomming a woman, so she +replied, "Don't worry. I know all about it, and everything will be fine." +A week after that, the only son came running up to his mother and said, +"Hey mom ..." The mother interrupted, and said, "Don't tell me ... You were +going to the bathroom, and a little ball bearing fell out?" "No, I was +upstairs playing with myself and I shot the cat!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + ____ + | | + __| |__ + \ | | / + - ( | | ) - + ___| |___ + / O \ __ + | _______ | Original by /_/ , + | | | | / \ene + __| | | |__ + |____| |____| + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +If American ships bear the intials 'USS', standing for "United States Ship," +and if a British ship's name starts with 'HMS', for "Her Majesty's Ship," +what does the Italian designation 'DMB' stand for? + +(Answer: "Datsa my boat") + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Money can't buy friendship, but it can get you a better class of enemy. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Would Be Lothario: "I love you terribly!" + +Disappointed Girl: "You sure do ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How many 'pro-lifers' does it take to fix a light bulb? + +A: 6 - Two to put it in, and four to testify that it was lit from the + moment the other two began screwing. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Whats the worst thing about playing softball in a cow pasture? + +A: Sliding into 3rd base. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There once was a whore of the Azores, +Whose snatch was so covered with sores, +That the dogs in the street, +Wouldn't touch the green meat, +Which hung in festoons from her drawers. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A young woman was talking with her mother. "Mom, I lost my virginity last +week," said the daughter. "I'm not suprised, honey," replied her mother, "I +just hope it was a wonderful and romantic experience for you." "Well," said +the daughter, "it felt good at first, but after the 7th or 8th guy, it +started to hurt!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do you keep from losing an erection? + +A: Don't fuck with it. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? + +A: About half way. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's this: + + <------ + ------> + +An irish sex manual. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +(knock, knock) + +"Who's there?" + +"A polish thief." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +You are so ugly that if you sent your picture to the Lonely Hearts Club, +they would be sent back with the explanation that they are lonely - not +desperate. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +(You must tell this joke with a beer in hand.) + +A semi driver pulled his rig out of Pittsburgh onto Interstate West. Soon +after, he spotted a beautiful young hitchhiker on the side of the freeway. +Feeling lucky, he pulled over and, like the suave dude he was, leaned out +the window. "Yo! Where ya goin' toots?" he inquired. "New York!" she replied. +It was every truck driver's dream come true. "Hey, no problem," he said, +"But you got to give me head the whole way." The hitchhiker agreed. Cleve- +land passed, she was bobbing on the knob. Chicago passed, she was sucking +the salami. (START TAKING FREQUENT SIPS OF YOUR DRINK) Kansas City passed, +her noggin' was rockin', but a little slower though. With Seattle in sight, +the hitchhiker paused, gulped, lifted her head and said (TAKE A BIG SIP) +... "Are we there yet?" (SPRAY YOUR ATTENTIVE AUDIENCE WITH FOAM, SPIT, +AND THEN RUN!) + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +(Bumper Sticker) + +Make war, not love - +It's safer these days. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A high school history teacher giving a pop quiz to her class ... + +"Who said 'Give me liberty, or give me death'?" + +Akito, the class brain, stood and politely replied, "Nathan Hale, 1776." + +"Very good, Akito!" said the teacher. "Now, who said 'We shall have peace +with honor'?" + +Again, Akito replied. "Richard Nixon, 1975," he said. + +"Very good, again, Akito. Class, don't you feel just a -little- uncomfor- +table knowing that this child of immigrant parents knows so much about +United States history?" + +From the back of the room came the cry, "Screw the Japanese!" + +"Harry S. Truman, 1945." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +COLE'S LAW: + +Thinly sliced cabbage ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many animals can you find in a pair of pantyhose? + +10 little piggies, 1 ass, 2 calves, 1 pussy, 1000 hares, +maybe some crabs, and one dead fish nobody can find ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +(VMS) is like a Soviet railroad train: It's basically industrial-strength, +but when you look at it closely, everything's a little more shabby than you +might like; it gets the job done, but there's no grace to it. + +The (MAC) operating system is like the monorail at Disney World: It's kind +of spectacular and fun, but it doesn't go much of anywhere; still, the kids +like it. + +(UNIX) is like the maritime transit system in an impoverished country: The +ferryboats are dangerous as hell, offer no protection from the weather and +leak like sieves. Every monsoon season a couple of them capsize and drown +all the passengers, but people still line up for them and crowd aboard. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why aren't cowboys circumsized? + +A: So they have a place to keep their Skoal when they eat. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Rule of the Thumb: + +The more buttons fastened on a person's shirt, the higher the I.Q. + +(Curtis Cloaninger) + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are +actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize +accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writ- +ing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining ... + +1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I + don't have. + +2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent. + +3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. + +4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. + +5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I + reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I + did not see the other car. + +6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and + had an accident. + +7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal + joint gave way causing me to have an accident. + +8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. + +9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place + where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time + to avoid the accident. + +10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found + that I had a fractured skull. + +11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the + road when I struck him. + +12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood + of my car. + +13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with + a big mouth. + +14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a + ditch by some stray cows. + +15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. + +16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my + head through it. + +17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. + +18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before + I hit him. + +19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him. + +20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. + +21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. + +22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, + and headed over the embankment. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I have a drinking problem: 2 hands and only one mouth ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +(MY DOG "Sex") + +Usually, everyone who has a dog either calls it 'Rover' or 'Fifi' or some- +thing. I called mine 'Sex.' Well, 'Sex' is a very embarrassing name. One +day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking +for that dog. A cop came along and asked me what I was doing in this alley +at 4:00 A.M. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday. + +One day I went to city Hall to get a dog licence for Sex. The clerk asked +me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like +to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." And he said, "I don't +care how she looks." Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since +I was two years old." He replied, "You must have been a strong boy." + +When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have +Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, +"But Sex is a big part of my life - my whole lifestyle revolves around +Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not +marry us in his church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would +enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the +Peace. My family is barred from the church. + +My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked +into the motel I told the clerk, "I want a room for my wife and a special +room for Sex." The clerk said, "Every room in the motel is for Sex." Then +I said, "You don't understand- Sex keeps me awake at night." And the clerk +said, "Me, too." One day I told my friend that I had Sex on T.V. He said, +"Show-off." I told him it was a contest and he told me I should have sold +tickets. + +When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the +dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." And the Judge +said. "Me, too." When I told him that after I was married Sex left me, +he said, "Me, too." Well, now I've been thrown in jail, been married, +divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why +just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist +and she said, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex died and left +my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely." The doctor +said, "Look. You and I both know that Sex isn't man's best friend - So +GET YOURSELF A DOG!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three old jewish men were sitting around a table eating lunch, when the +first one said, "Oy vay!I sent my son out into the world, and he came +back a Christian!" The second and third ones comforted the first - afterall, +they too had suffered similar tragedies. All of a sudden a deep voice boomed +from the clouds,"Wouldn't ya' know? The samething happened to me ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What is the definition of agony? + +A: Being a one-armed man hanging off a cliff, and having an attack of jock + itch. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What did the polish mother say to her pregnant daughter? + +A: "Don't worry, it might not be yours." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A high school student was taking a biology test when he encountered this +question: "Give four reasons why mother's milk is better than cow's milk." + +The student's answers were: + +1. It's always available. +2. It's has more nutritional value. +3. It's always at the right temperature. +4. It comes in such nice containers. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I saw in today's paper that skirts are getting shorter and shorter. If +so, it will echo the '60s. First there were miniskirts, then microskirts. +I can't wait for airplane skirts. Those are ones where you can see the +cockpit. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An anthropologist was deep in the Amazon jungle. He and his native guide +stopped at a remote village. As they were drinking water from gourds, the +anthropologist saw a beautiful young girl walk out of a hut. The sun danced +off the glistening tops of her breasts and her smile was captivating. "Who's +that?" asked the anthropologist. "Unh, that daughter of chief," replied +the guide. "Damn," replied the anthropologist, who had been in the jungle +for many months, "I'd sure like to eat her!" To which the guide replied, +"Unh, me too." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two midgets were talking. "How was your vacation at that nude ranch?" asked +the first. "Strange," replied the second, "At first I thought I was in Iraq. +From my angle everyone looked like Saddam Hussein ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A woman went to visit her therapist. As they were talking, the therapist +noticed she had a chipped tooth. "How did that happen?" asked the therapist. +"Do you remember that vibrator you gave me?" asked the woman. "Well, I +chipped a tooth practicing." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"Does your wife talk to you while she's having sex?" the therapist asked +his patient. "Sure," said the man, "Once, she even called me from a motel." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What is true love for the male of the species? +A: An erection. + +Q: What is true love for the female of the species? +A: A no-limit charge card. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What were Anne Boleyn's last words? + +A: "'Tis better to give head, than to lose head." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Women: Would that we could fall into their hearts without falling into + their hands ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How can you tell the difference between a WASP girl in the grave and a WASP +girl in bed? The one in the grave is warmer and has her -arms- crossed ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +(Daffynition) + +Pussy (n): What a man spends nine months trying to get out of + - and the rest of his life trying to get back into. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Where do dates grow? + +A: On calendar trees. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A polack, walking down the street, stopped to help a delivery man struggling +with a package. After fifteen minutes, they were both exhausted. "I guess we +better give up; We'll never get that package on the truck," said the delivery +man. "On the truck?" replied the dumbfounded polack. "I thought you were +trying to get it off!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"...writing code for an ANSI input driver is a Herculean (1) labor." + - Joe Campbell + +The labors of Hercules were: + + 1. Kill Nemean Lion. + 2. Slay nine-headed hydra of Lerna. + 3. Capture elusive Stag of Arcadia. + 4. Capture wild boar on Mt Erymanthus. + 5. Clean stables of King Augeas of Elis. + 6. Shoot monstrous man-eating birds of the Stymphalian marshes. + 7. Capture mad bull of Crete. + 8. Kill man-eating mares of King Diomedes. + 9. Steal Girdle of Hippolyta. + 10. Seize cattle of Geryon of Erytheia. + 11. Fetch golden apples of Hesperidies. + 12. Retrieve three-headed dog Cerberus from Hell. + 13. Emulate Terminal of ANSI. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why don't Ethiopians go to the movies? + +A: They can't hold the seats down. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day Miss Smith told her class, "Today we're going to use the word +'definitely' in a sentence. Nancy?" Nancy said, "The sky is definitely +blue." Miss Smith corrected her, "No - sometimes it's overcast and the sky +is gray. And at night the sky is black. The sky isn't definitely blue. +Lenny?" Lenny said, "Ummm ... the grass is definitely green." Miss Smith +corrected Lenny also, "No - sometimes the grass is dead and brown. The +grass isn't definitely green." So Dirty Ernie jumped up and asked, "When +you fart does it ever have lumps in it?" Miss Smith, taken somewhat aback, +stuttered, "Heavens, no!" So Ernie replied, "Then I definitely shit my +pants!" + +---------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day Marshal Dillon saw a cowboy dunking an old women's head in a horse +trough! The Marshal got upset and went over where this was happening. +"You best stop that, boy!" he warned, "Tain't nice what you're doing there!" +The cowboy replied, "Mind your own business. This is -MY- mother and I'll do +what I want ..." The cowboy continued to slam the women's head in the dirty +horse trough. Marshal Dillon was getting seriously pissed, "Look here, boy, +I'm gonna have to run you in, you don't stop that!" Fixing the Marshal with +a withering glare, the cowboy replied, "Mind your own damn business! She's +my mother and I'll do what I want!" By this time the Marshall was very pissed +- he hadn't had someone talk to him like that since he was a wet-behind-the- +ears deputy. He started towards the unruly cowboy, trying to slap the cuffs +on him, when the cowboy let go of the elderly woman and punched the Marshall +right between the eyes! As soon as the stunned Marshal hit the ground, the +cowboy jumped on his horse and galloped out of town. Marshall Dillon wobbled +to his feet and yelled, "Come back here, you cop-socking mother dunker!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A British colonel was walking down the street in London when he saw a guy +with no arms and no legs sitting in the gutter playing a mouth organ. +A sign beside the guy read, "Victim of Falklands War." "Bloody disgraceful, +what," said the colonel, "the way the country treats its veterans!" So +saying, he pulled out his wallet, peels off two fifty pound notes and +dropped them in the guy's hat. The guy looked up and says, "Mucho gracias, +senor." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why do Mexicans have big noses? + +A: It gives them something to pick in the off season. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +On a shopping trip to Green Bay, the "Big City," a yupper bought a 24-piece +jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle +was finished. "Look what I done, Ole," he said proudly to a visiting neigh- +bor. "That's surely somethin', Sven. How long it take you?" "Only two weeks," +replied Sven. "Never done a puzzle myself," Ole said, "Is two weeks fast?" +"Darn tootin'," Sven said, "Look at the box. It says, 'From two to four +years' ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions? + +A: When you see your new mother-in law backing off a cliff in your new + Mercedes. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why does Dolly Parton have such a small waist? + +A: Nothing grows in the shade. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two construction workers were working on the 58th floor of a new high-rise. +One of them looked at the other and said, "I'll be right back - I have to +go take a piss." His buddy said, "Hang on a minute. By the time you get the +elevator up here, go all the way down to the street, find a porta-shitter, +and get back, it's going to take at least a thirty minutes. Why don't we +get that board over there, push it part of the way over the edge, I'll +stand on this end, and you walk out and let loose." The construction worker +who was turning yellow immediately agreed. As he was standing on the board +relieving himself, the phone rang and the guy standing on the board stepped +off to answer it. At the inquest to his co-worker's death, the worker was +very distraught and was unable to assist in what happened. The police started +asking for witnesses when a little old lady walked up and said, "I saw him +fall, officer. I think it may have some to do with some kind of homosexual +act!" "That's a pretty serious accusation ma'am," the cop sternly replied, +"What makes you say that?" The old lady replied, "Well, as he was falling, +all the way down he was holding on to his penis, screaming 'Where did that +little cocksucker go?'" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Then there was the guy whose roommate caught him pouring beer in his hand. +"What are you doing?" he asked. "I wanna score tonight," the roommate with +the beer replied, "so I'm getting my date drunk." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why did the hillbilly trade his wife in for an outhouse? + +A: Because the hole was a little smaller, and it smelled a little nicer. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How many lawyers does it take to unclog a toliet? + +A: Three. Two to hold his legs, and one to dive below and suck. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The doctor told his patient "I have bad news and worse news for you, what do +you want to hear first?" The patient replied, "What's the bad news?" The +doctor said, "Your tests have come back and we've determined that you only +have two days to live." The man exclaimed, "Oh my God! What could be worse +news than that?" The doctor replied, "We've been looking for you for the +last forty-eight hours ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I used to be into S & M, bestiality, and necrophilia, but then I realized +I was just beating a dead horse ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Dirty Ernie: "Mom, I didn't know you could take apart a nurse." +Mom: "What do you mean?" +Dirty Ernie: "I heard dad telling Mr. Smith 'I just screwed the ass off a + nurse!'." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The other day I was getting out a sweater and the label said it was made +of 100% Virgin Acrylic, honest. What's virgin acrylic? Is it made out of +vinyl flooring that never got laid? + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Seen written in a very shaky hand: + +"Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A guy went to get a vasectomy (under general anesthesia). While the guy was +asleep, the doctor mistakenly cut his nuts off. Seeing this, the nurse +leaned over and told the doc, "Just sew on two onions - he won't know the +difference." So, the doctor did it and sent the guy on his way. A week later +the guy came in for a checkup. He told the surgeon, "Doc, everything feels +okay, but three strange things have happened since the operation." The doctor +looked perplexed, and asked him to explain, The patient continued, "Everytime +my wife gives me a blowjob she gets bad breath; everytime I pee, I want to +cry, and every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A guy walked into a bar and, with a very despondent look on his face, ordered +a bourbon - straight up. The bartender set the drink down and, to his sur- +prise, a little man just over a foot tall climbed out from under the custo- +mer's jacket and onto the bar. The customer groaned and just put his head +down on the bar in total frustration. The little man glared at the barten- +der, took a sip of the drink and spit it out on the bar. "What the hell is +this donkey piss you call bourbon, you fat-bellied jerk!" the little man +bellowe as he turned and swaggered down the top of the bar, kicking ashtrays +out of his way and glaring at everyone. He stopped in front of another custo- +mer and said, "What are -YOU- lookin' at dicknose?!" He glared at everyone +in the bar again. The bartender looked at the guy that brought the little +man in with him and growled, "Where the hell did you find him?" The despon- +dent one sighed, "Its a long story ... I was vacationing in Ireland, found +a four-leaf clover, and was given one wish. So, I wished for a 14" prick +and ... well ... there he is." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +After a hillbilly spent his first night with his new bride, he returned home +the next day to his father. He said, "Paw, I had to kill my wife." His paw +asked him why, to which his son replied that he discovered she was a virgin. +His paw said, "You did good, son. If she ain't good enuf for her family +then she ain't good enuf for ours." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +After a long and particularly arduous cattle drive, a cowboy wandered into +Dodge to get a hot meal, a beer, and a bath. The cowboy headed for the +nearest restaurant to have dinner. The only vacant seat in the restaurant +was next to a refined, educated and wealthy looking young lady of about +twenty-one years. He couldn't help but overhear her ordering. "I'll have +breast of virgin fowl - make sure it's virgin - catch it yourself and +garnish it with onions - young spring onions. Then I'll have a cup of coffee +- not too strong and not too sweet. Oh yes, and waiter, -PLEASE- open the +windows, I think I smell a horse - there must be a cowboy in the room." +Completely pissed-off and not to be outdone, the cowboy placed his order: +"I'll have a duck. A well-fucked duck. Fuck it yourself and garnish it with +horse shit. Bring me a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss and fart +the foam off. Yeah, and podnuh, knock the walls down - I smell cunt, there +must be a whore in the house." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q. Do you know what the miracle of AIDS is? + +A. It turns fruits into vegetables. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q. What do the Rubiks cube and a penis have in common? + +A. The longer you play with it, the harder it gets. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Kid: I wonder if they have bulletin boards in Heaven? + +Priest: The good new is that yes there are. The bad news is that the sysop + just validated you ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Since her baby came, miss Snow +Won't diddle, she just hollers, "NO!" +She thinks a fat senator, +Was it's likely progenitor +But having laid ten, she can't know ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There was an old prophet named Moses, +Who once said, "A girl is a fool who supposes +That a man, as a rule +Can boast of a tool +Proportionately long as his foot is." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There was a young fellow named Grimes, +Who made his girl seventeen times, +In the course of a week +That is not to speak +Of assorted venereal crimes ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the diff between a pitbull humping your leg and a poodle humping + your leg? + +A: The pitbull gets to finish. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A wino was waiting for the city bus. He had a sudden, overwhelming, desire +to shit. He looked down the street and saw his bus about five blocks away. +There was no one around, so he dropped his pants and shit right on the side- +walk. He quickly pulled up his pants just as the bus arrived. The driver +opened the door and the wino, trying to act casual, asked, "What's the fare +to downtown?" The driver said, "A buck and a half for you, and seventy- +five cents for your kid brother." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Not drunk is he who from the floor, +Can rise alone and still drink more. +But drunk is he who prostrate lies, +Without the power to drink or rise! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Despite acts of great herosim, three British soldiers returned from the Falk- +land Islands without being decorated. Their captain called them into his +office to explain. "Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he +said, "So the regiment has decided to give you ten pounds sterling for +each inch of measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private, +which measurement for you?" "Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!" +Taking out a tap measure, the Captain announced, "That's 720 pounds. Well +done, private. Corporal?" "Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms +outstreched, sah!" The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches - +740 pounds. Very good, corporal. Sergeant, how about you?" "Tip of me prick +to me balls, sah!" "Very well. Drop your trousers, then." The captain put +his tape measure at the end of the man's penis, then looked up and asked, +"Where are your balls, sergeant?" "Goose Green, Falklands, sah!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day St. Peter had to go on some very important business, so he left a +minor saint in charge of the Pearly Gates and instructed him to get proof +of identity before he let anyone in. So the minor saint was sitting around +when Beethoven arrived. "You can't get in without proof," said the saint. +So Beethoven pulled up a piano and banged out his 9th symphony as it was +really meant to be played. "Okay," said the saint, "You're in." A few light +years later, up came Einstein. "Prove to me you're Albert Einstein," said +the saint. Einstein proceeded to thoroughly explain the theory of relativity. +"Okay," said the saint, "You're in." Shortly thereafter, Dan Quayle came +strolling along, wanting to be let through the gates of Heaven. "I need proof +of identity," said the saint. "But," sputtered Quayle, "I was the vice presi- +dent of the United States!" "Sorry," said the sympathetic saint," but every- +one needs proof. Even Beethoven and Albert Einstein needed proof." "Who?" +said Quayle. "Okay," said the saint, "You're in." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A lady was in the stirrups at her gynecologist's office, having her annual +checkup, when she heard the doctor talking to himself as he examined her: +"My, what a big vagina! My, what a big vagina!" The lady was, to put it +mildly, a bit annoyed. Being the assertive type, she spoke up immediately: +"Doctor, I can't believe what I'm hearing! I think it's incredibly unpro- +fessional of you to say something like 'My, what a big vagina' twice!" +"But I only said it once," replied the doctor. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A polack's house was furiously burning down, surrounded by fire trucks and +helpless firemen, and all the polack could do is stand around and laugh, and +laugh. So, his neighbor came over and said, "Jerzy, your house is being +burned down to the foundations and you're Laughing?" "Why not?" said Jerzy +with a chuckle, "I got enough wood in the attic to build another one." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Once there was a priest who was travelling quite some distance, so he stopped +at a convent to seek lodging for the night. The nuns had an extra room, so +they let the father come in and stay until morning. The next day, one of the +young novices happened to be chatting with the Mother Superior. "Did you +know," said the novice, "that I have the Gateway to Heaven right here +between my legs? And did you know that Father John has the key between his +legs?!" "The Key to Heaven?"said the Mother Superior, suddenly suspicious, +"What does it look like?" The novice described the 'key,' whereupon the +Mother Superior cried, "He told -ME- it was Gabriel's Horn!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why did the elephant cross the road? + +A: Because the chicken called in sick. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What kind of bat can't fly? + +A: A bat-man. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why do seagulls live by the sea? + +A: Because if they lived by the bay they would be called bay-gulls. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? + +A: A bull-dozer. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What kind of star is in jail? + +A: A shooting star. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What kind of fly 'parley vous francais'? + +A: A french-fly. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the new birth control pill for men? You take it the day +after and it changes your blood type! + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the three aggies that drove there truck off a bridge one +night? The driver broke the glass and got out, the two in the back drowned +because they couldn't get the tailgate down. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There once was a three-legged dog who walked into a bar and said, "I'm +looking for the man who shot my paw!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why didn't the Dairy Queen get pregnant? + +A: She went out with Mr. Softy. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Do you know what the German word for 'virgin' is? + +A: Gutentight. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This swishy-type of guy went to the doctor for his physical. He got undressed +and waited for the doctor to begin. The doctor came over to him and pushed up +on his right testicle and said, "Say sixty-six." The guy replied "Thixty +thix." The doctor then pushed up on his left testicle and said "Say sixty- +six." The guy again said, "Thixty thix." The doctor then prepared for the +rectal exam by putting on a rubber glove and applying some vaseline to his +finger. He had the guy bend over and then inserted his finger and instructed +the guy to say sixty-six again. The guy replied "One, two, three ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What did the indian say when his dog fell of the cliff? + +A: Dog-gone. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day, a young indian boy asked the medicine man how indians were named. +The wise, old, medicine man replied "You named after first thing you see. +After your sister born, your father look out teeppee and see deer running, +so her name 'Running Deer.' After your brother born there big storm, so him +name 'Thunder Head.' Why you want know Two Dogs Fucking?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do Marion Barry and Marilyn Quayle have in common? + +A: They both blow a little dope. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why does Dan Quayle always make love on the bottom? + +A: Because he always fucks up. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you get when you cross a hooker with a piranha? + +A: Your last blowjob. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I joined the German club in high school. We were a small organization until +we annexed the French club ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The Worlds Great Religions Interpret the Philosophy "Shit Happens" + +Taoism - Shit happens. +Confucianism - Confucius say, "Shit happens." +Buddhism - If shit happens, it isn't really shit. +Zen - What is the sound of shit happening? +Hinduism - This shit happened before. +Islam - Shit happens by the will of Allah +Protestantism - Let shit happen to someone else. +Catholicism - If shit happens, it's your fault. +Judiasm - Why does shit keep happening to us? +Paganism - Shit happens and it's great fertilizer. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses? + +A: From chasing parked ambulances. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? + +A: One's a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding scavenger, and the other's a fish. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"Mommy, mommy, I don't wanna visit Grandma!" + +"Shut up and keep digging ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"Mommy, mommy, I don't like drag racing!" + +"Shut up and hang on to the bumper ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"Mommy, mommy, I hate my sister's guts!" + +"Shut up and eat what's on your plate ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you here about the Ethiopian who fell into the alligator pond? He ate +three before they got him out ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call Ethiopians with big feet? + +A: Golf clubs. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do Yoko Ono and Ethiopians have in common? + +A: They both live off dead beetles. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One night two vampire buddies were feeling hungry. One said to the other, +"What do you feel like? Chinese?" The other said, "No, not filling enough." +"Mexican?" "No, too spicy." "Italian?" "Sounds good ..." So they flew +around until they found an Italian, came right down on him, and drank him +dry. But they had to get rid of the body, so they flew out over a swamp and +dropped the dead Italian in the murky waters. The next night, same thing. +"Hungry?" "Yes." "Chinese?" "No." "Mexican?" "No" "Italian?" "Yes." They +found another one and drank him dry. Afterwards, they flew the body over +the same swamp, and dropped him. As they were flying away, one of the +vampires said to the other, "Do you hear that singing?" "I don't hear any +singing," replied the other. So they put the incident behind them and kept +on flying. The next night same thing. "Hungry?" "Yes." "Chinese?" "No." +"Mexican?" "No." "Italian?" "Yes." They found another Italian, drank him +dry, fly the body over the same swamp, and dropped it. But this time as +they flew away they both heard the singing, so they went back to check it +out. They flew down and there, sitting on a rock in the center of the swamp, +was an alligator singing "Drained wops keep falling on my head ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One sunday, a Mother Superior was walking in the convent garden when she +saw a young novice surrounded by pigeons shouting, "Fuck off! Fuck off!" +"Sister!" the Mother Superior said sharply, "There is no need for such +language. All you have to do is say, 'Shoo, shoo,' and they'll fuck off." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The Seven Dwarfs were having an audience with the pope when Dopey raised +his hand and said, "Excuse me? Your Holiness?" The pope said, "Yes, my son? +What can I do for you?" Dopey said, "Are there nuns at the North Pole?" The +pope give it some thought and finally said, "No, I don't believe there are. +It's very cold at the North Pole." A little later in the audience, Dopey +raised his hand again. "Your Holiness, I have another question." "Yes, my +son, what is it?" "Do you have nuns at the south pole?" asked Dopey. "Well, +it's much colder there than it is at the North pole," said the pope. "I +don't believe we have any clergy there." Dopey's face fell. "Oh," he said. +Then, from the back of the room, came a little voice: "Dopey fucked a +penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +St. Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a stroll. He +soon noticed that the fence between Heaven and Hell was in need of repair. +So St. Peter leaned over the fence and yelled at Lucifer, "This fence needs +to be repaired! I'll see to it that you help pay for it ..." Lucifer +replied, "If you want it fixed -YOU- pay for it!" St. Peter replied "The +fence is your responsiblity too. You help pay for it, or I will sue you." +Lucifer laughed "Ha! Where do you think -YOU- are going to get a lawyer?!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Do you know how to tell when a family of flamingoes has moved into the + house next door? + +A: They decorate the lawn with plastic mexicans. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One cold winter day, a polack decided to go ice fishing. After setting up +his shack, he started chipping through the ice. Suddenly, he heard a booming +voice say, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The polack looks around, but +saw no one. He continued chipping away at the ice. Again he heard, "THERE +ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Looking around, the petrified polack still saw +no one. He shouted, "Is that you, God?" The booming voice responded, "THIS +IS THE ARENA MANAGER ... THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A city dude walked into a cowboy bar with a cat under one arm, a six shooter +on his hip and a bucket of shit in one hand. He walked up to the bar and +set down the cat and the bucket. "May I please have a beer," he said to the +bartender. So the bartender gave the dude a draft. The dude proceeded to +take a big swig, set down the glass, pick up the cat, bite off its left ear, +pull a sixgun and -BANG!!!- shoot a hole in the bucket of shit. Even in the +fly-bitten, dusty, trail bar that was something new - the bartender couldn't +believe what he saw! The dude took another gulp of brew, bit off the cat's +right ear, pulled the gun and -BANG!!!- shot the bucket of shit again. +The bartender was astounded! The dude took a third swig of beer, picked up +the cat, bit off it's tail, pulled the gun and -BANG!!!- he put a third hole +in the shit bucket. The bartender had to say something. "Hey, you, green- +horn!" he yelled, "What in tarnation do you think you're doin?" The dude +replied "Well, my good man, I want to be like you rough and tumble fron- +tiersmen: I came to this fine emporium to drink beer, shoot shit and eat +pussy ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why is it easier for men to sleep on their sides, than women? + +A: They have kick stands. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A priest and a rabbi, long time friends, were having lunch together one day.] +Downing a forkful of fish, the priest asked the rabbi, "Sam, in all your +entire life, do you mean to tell me that you have never ONCE tasted pork? Be +honest with me!" The rabbi answered, "Well, Pat, since you ask me: Once, +back when I was a young man, I was with some friends when we were served +some bacon and eggs. I had a taste of bacon at that time." "Aha! So you see +what you've been missing!?" "But you? Pat, did you ever, ever, have sex +with a woman?" "Well, it was back when I was a newly ordained priest. I +had a beautiful, young parishioner who approached me with troubles. One +thing led to another, and we ended up having sex together." "Better than +pork, isn't it?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do we know that Eve was the first computer operator? + +A: 'Cause she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One sunday a drunk staggered into a church while Mass was going on. The +priest couldn't help but notice him bumping into one pew after another as +he made his way down the side aisle. The drunk finally made it to to con- +fessional and closed the door. After mass the priest took his position on +the other side of the confessional. The drunk sat silently for about 5 +minutes. Realizing that he would have to break the silence, the priest +asked "Can I help you, my son?" Startled, the drunk replied, "HUH? Oh +yeah, do you have any paper on your side?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +1st Polack: What would you do if you found a million dollars? + +2nd Polack: If it belonged to a poor person, I'd return it. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One night a drunk stopped a cab and asked the cabbie, "Do you have room (hic) +for three six-packs (hic) and a large pizza?" "Yeah, buddy, sure do," replied +the cabbie. So the drunk threw up in the back seat. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Coach: Hoss, we're short on players. Do you think you can pass this football? + +Aggie: Yeah, coach, I think ah kin if ah kin swallow it. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Norwegian, an Irishman and a German were sentenced to be electrocuted. +First, the Irishman was strapped in the chair and the switch was pushed. +Nothing happened, so the Irishman was freed. Same thing happened to the +German. As the Norwegian was lead into the room, the prison guard remarked, +"Sure has been a lucky day for those two guys." Said the Norwegian, "Vell +I should say so, becoss I can see the plug has come out of the socket under +the chair." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why does it take three Cajuns to eat a possum? + +A: Because it requires two just to look out for cars. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why don't Irishman watch Johnny Carson/The Tonight Show? + +A: Because none of them can stay sober past 10:30. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why don't yuppers watch the Gong Show? + +A: Because it's too intellectual. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Marriage Counselor: You say you are having marital problems. Do you have + mutual climax? + +Polack: No ... our insurance is with State Farm. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +After twenty years, the aggie finally graduated from college. Deciding to +put his hard won knowledge into use, he started raising chickens. The first +week he went to the hatchery and bought 200 chicks. The next week he came +back and bought 200 more. The third week, the same thing. Curious, the +hatchery man asked why the aggie came in every week to order 200 more +chicks. "Wahl," drawled the aggie, "Something seems to be wrong. Either ahm +planting them too deep - or too close together ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An Irishman sat in a pub drinking beer all afternoon. The bartender was +getting concerned because the Irishman hadn't gotten up. Finally, after +his 5th pitcher of beer, the Irishman got up very slowly and headed for +the back door. The bartender followed him to the alley where the Irishman +prepared to relieve himself. "Hey!" shouted the bartender, "You can't do +that in here!" "I'm not gonna do it HERE," slurred the Irishman, "I'm +gonna do it waaa-aaay over there ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An elderly man decided to march to the altar at the ripe old age of 85 with +a shapely young thing just out of high school. His friends cautioned him +about the health hazard involved, saying that the exertion of his wedding +night could prove to be fatal. "Well," said the old man, "that's a chance +I'll have to take ... If she dies, she dies." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Judge: You've been brought here for drinking! + +Irishman: Swell! Let's get started. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The rich ex-aggie reluctantly sent his son to Rice. In his first year the +son got a girl in trouble, so the fast thinking lad sent his dad a letter, +saying that a professor at Rice could teach Ol' Yeller to talk for $1,000. +Impressed, the ex-aggie sent the money and Ol' Yeller to his son. A few +months later, the son committed the same indiscretion so he wrote his dad +a letter, saying the professor wanted to teach the dog to read. Again the +ex-aggie came through with the money. At the end of the year, the rich ex- +aggie met his son at the backyard heliport. Lo and behold, there was the +son, but no Ol' Yeller! "Where's thuh dawg, son?" inquired the rich Texan. +"Yah know, Paw," said the son, "two nights ago Ol' Yeller and I were having +a chat while he was reading thuh paper. I said it sure would be good to come +bak home, and Ol' Yeller said 'Yeah, I miss the ranch too.' And he said he +wondered if the old man was still fooling around with the French maid. And +you know, Paw, I got so mad at that remark that I reached over and choked +that old dawg. Before I could control myself, Ol' Yeller had died." Quickly +the ex-aggie leaned forward and anxiously whispered in his son's ear, "Are +you sure that dawg is dead, son?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour +a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. Mac- +Dougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it +through my kidneys first?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The polack got married and on his wedding night the bride disrobed and +suggested he 'get aboard.' The bride was asleep by the time the polack +got back from the lumberyard. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three yuppers were discussing their preferences in female company. The +first one extolled the attractions of Marilyn Monroe. The second said that +only Raquel Welch could possibly be ideal for him. The third yupper pro- +tested that while Marilyn and Raquel had their good points, he would have +to hold out for Virginia Pippaleeny. "Who is she?" the first two yuppers +asked. "Well," said the third yupper, "I read about her in da paper today," +as he held up the newspaper headline reading "SIX MEN DIE LAYING VIRGINIA +PIPELINE." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +In Warsaw there's a neighborhood improvement project going on. They're +building diving boards over the cesspools. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One night the local lothario took out the one girl nobody had gotten to +before. On the way back from dinner he took a detour to the lover's lane. +After parking he turned to her and said, "Hey, you ever seen a prick?" The +girl got all wide-eyed and asked, "No, what's a prick?" "I'll show you," +said the lothario as he unzipped and whipped out his pride and joy. "THAT +is a prick," he said proudly. "Oh," said the girl, "it's just like a cock, +only smaller." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man in Paris was arrested and charged with fucking a dead woman. He hired a +good lawyer and managed to get released. His lawyer convinced the judge that +the man didn't know the woman was dead, he thought she was British. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three old nuns, back from long missions to primitive lands, were walking +along the street and one was describing with her hands the tremendous coco- +nuts she'd seen in the South Pacific. The second on, also with her hands, +described the huge bananas she'd seen in Central America. The third nun, +a little deaf, asked, "Father Who?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three nuns stopped at the holy water on their way into a church. The first +nun said, "I have to rinse my eyes with holy water because I looked at a +penis." The second nun said "I have to wash my hands because I actually +TOUCHED a man's penis." Whereupon the third nun said "Move over sisters, +I've got to gargle". + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? + +A: A vampire only sucks blood at night. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day a grade school teacher asked her students what their parents did for +a living. "Tim," she said, "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up +and said proudly, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you Amy?" +said the teacher. Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet, and said, "My +father is a mailman." "Thank you Amy. What about your father Ernie?" said +the teacher. Dirty Ernie jumped up and proudly announced "My father plays +piano in a whorehouse!" The teacher was shocked and promptly changed the +subject to geography. Later that day she went to Dirty Ernie's house and +rang the bell. Ernie Senior answered the door. The teacher explained what +his son had said and demanded an explanation. Ernie Senior replied, "I'm +actually a lawyer, but how can you explain a thing like that to a seven +year old?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One sunday the Mother Superior called all the nuns together. "You know," +she said, "I found a used condom in the here last night." All the nuns were +surprised, except one. They went, "Uhhhhh?" She went "Hee hee hee." The +Mother Superior continued, "That means there was a man here last night." +"Uhhhhh?" said the nuns. "Hee hee hee," went the lone nun. Again the Mother +Superior continued "You all know that's against the rules." Again all the +went "Uhhhhh?" Again the lone nun laughed. Finally, the MOther Superior +concluded, "And worst of all, the condom has a hole in it." All the nuns +went 'Hee hee hee!' while the lone nun said "Uhhhhh?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A young nun at a convent had one too many sexual indiscretions, and turned up +pregnant. Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order +she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret +safe, possibly right up until the birth. And so it did, and upon the evening +when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that +no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child. +After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with the +baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the +order, with no place for food or shelter. Knowing that the Mother Superior +was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a +basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn +hours. She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers. At +sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just +waking from a nap. She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child +in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly +sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Just before the big wedding day a groom's friends decided to throw him a +stag party. After many drinks, a naked girl jumped out of the big cake +and started dancing with the groom. The inebriated groom soon fell and broke +his woody on the floor. His buddies rushed him to the hospital where a +doctor examined the groom's injury. The doctor concluded that the groom had, +in layman's terms, fractured his penis. "Doc! Doc! That can't be true! I'm +getting married tommorow; what about my honeymoon?" "Well Mr. Smith, the +only thing that I can do is splint it. The swelling should go down in a +couple of days." And the doctor proceeded to take four tongue depressors, +placing one on each side of the groom's now crooked penis, and taped +around the whole affair to keep it all in place. The next day, the wedding +went off without a hitch. When the newlyweds got to the hotel that night, +the groom quickly excused himself into the bathroom. After an hour, he +finally emerged from the bathroom with his pajama bottoms on - he still +was not sure what to say. As he entered the bedroom he was greeted by the +sight of his new bride lying spread eagled on the bed. "Here you go +sweetheart," she cooed, "Pure untouched virgin wool - Unseen by any man +except you." "You think yours is new," he said whipping off his pajama +bottoms, "Mine is so new it's still in the crate!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How many critters can you find in a pair of panty hose? + +A: Ten little piggies, two calves, one ass and one beaver - they're still + looking for the fish. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +It's been so long since I had any, the crack of dawn makes me horny. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you know there was a book written about the leper navy? It's called +"All Hands On Deck." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man was golfing, and everything was going the usual way for his game, when +he came to the 16th hole and had a hole in one! As he reached in the hole +to get his ball, out came a genie. The genie said "I grant you one wish." +The man didn't take long to make his request, "I'd like to have the the +biggest cock in the world." POOF! His cock became so long that it drug +behind him two feet. He was so stunned by this that he couldn't go on with +his golf game. He went back to the clubhouse dragging his cock behind him. +Everyone in the clubhouse stared at him as he made his way to see the pro. +"Look what happened to me on the 16th hole!" he yelled at the club pro. +After explaining to the pro what had caused his elongated 'putter,' the +golfer asked the pro what he thought he could do to remedy the situation. +"Why don't you take this bucket of balls and go back to the 16th hole and +try to get another hole-in-one. Maybe then you'll get the genie back and +he can help you." So off the golfer went to the 16th hole. After hours of +hitting balls and not even coming close to getting a hole-in-one, lightning +finally struck twice. Just as the golfer reached in to retrieve his golf +ball, out popped the genie. "Don't tell me," said the genie, "I think I +know what you want this time. You want your cock shrunk back to normal, +right?" "No!" the golfer replied, "I want you to make my legs longer!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A yuppie was driving his BMW on a windy mountain road when an oncoming car +took a turn wide and clipped the left side of his car. His arm, which had +been hanging out the window, was cut off. The yuppie stopped, jumped from +his car and began screaming, "My BMW! My BMW!" A passing trucker stopped +to help and noticed the yuppie's laments. "Hey buddy!" the trucker shouted, +"Can't you see your arm's been torn off?" The yuppie paused, noticed the +trucker was correct and began shouting, ""My Rolex! My Rolex!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"To do, is to be." - Socrates +"To be, is to do." - Sartre +"Do-be-do-be-do." - Sinatra + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He +was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had +arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" the lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was +being ushered in the lawyer had an idea. He quickly picked up the phone and +shouted into it "... and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty +thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!" +Slamming the phone down, he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones, "Good Morning, +what can I do for you?" "I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied, +"I'm here to connect your phone." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +My favorite answer to 'Were you sleeping?' is "That's okay, I had to get up +to answer the phone anyway." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man approached a stunning blonde at a party. After introducing himself and +engaging in some friendly conversation, he asked her, "Would you be willing +to sleep with me for ten thousand dollars?" The woman was taken aback by the +question, but after a few minutes' thought replied, "Yes, I think I would." +The man then asked her, "Well then, would you sleep with me for fifty +dollars?" The woman was shocked and replied indignantly, "What do you +think I am?!" "We've established that," the man said, "Now we're negotiating +the price!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's 6.9? + +A: A good time interrupted by a period. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why do elephants have red balls? +A: So they can hide in cherry trees. + +Q: What's the most horrible sound in the jungle? +A: Girraffes eating cherries. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +At the turn of the century, a cowboy was riding across the New Mexico desert +heading for Phoenix. He rode over a hill and saw an Indian lying on the +ground, naked with a hard on. Being a curious type, the cowboy rode over to +the Indian and asked just what he was doing. The Indian replied, "Me tellum +time." The cowboy was doubtful that the Indian could really tell the time, +so he asked, "What time is it?" The Indian replied that it was 10:05 in the +morning. The cowboy pulled out his pocket watch and sure enough it was +exactly 10:15! The stunned could do nothing but continue his ride west. +That afternoon the cowboy saw another Indian lying on the ground, naked with +a hard on. He rode up and asked "Injun, what are you doing laying there on +the ground?" The second Indian replied, "Me tellum time." The cowboy was +sure that this one was lying, but to humor him he said, "Okay, what time is +it?" The second indian said was about 3:45 in the afternoon. The cowboy +again looked at his pocket watch and sure enough it was exactly 3:45! +The now incredulous cowboy continued his ride west. Near sunset the cowboy +spied yet another Indian laying on his back. But this third indian was +vigorously masturbating. The cowboy rode up to him and said "I know you +ain't telling the time, so just what in tarnation do you think you're +doing?" The third Indian replied, "Me no tellum time - me windum clock!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call a very cold dwarf with a hard-on? + +A: A frigid midget with a frigid digit. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three travelling salesmen had car trouble out in Kansas, so they walked to +a farmer's house. "The nearest gas station with a phone is 50 miles from +here," said the farmer, "but you can stay tonight in the guest room - just +don't stick your dicks in the three holes your bathroom wall." The salesmen +agreed, and went to their room. That night curiosity got the better of them. +The first salesman went for it. "Wow, this is great! It's the best I've +ever had!" moaned the first salesman. Hearing this, the second guy stepped +up next to the first and stuck his dick in the second hole. After a few +strokes, the second salesman said, "It's not great, but better than +nothin'." Hearing this the third salesman had to check things out for +himself. The third salesman had no sooner stuck his dick in the third hole +than he began screaming uncontrollably. In less than a minute, the farmer +burst into their room. The first salesman asked the farmer what was in the +holes."Well," replied the farmer, "the first one is my daughter, the second +one is my cow, and the third one is my milking machine - but don't worry, +it cuts off after 55 gallons ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What is a vagina? + +A: It's the box a penis comes in. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What is a Kotex? + +A: A manhole cover. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +On their wedding night, Bob and Alice were in the honeymoon suite getting +undressed for the big occiasion. Bob turned to Alice and said, "I have to +be honest with you sweetheart, I have never done this before" Alice replied +"Don't worry Bob; I'll guide you through it." So Alice laid on the bed and +parted her legs. Pointing to her womanhood, Alice told Bob to insert his +penis here when it gets hard. Bob looked at Alice, and said, "No way! My +grandmother told me to stay away from those things 'cause they got teeth +and they bite!" Alice laughed, and said, "Oh, they do not! Here, take a +real close look. Do you see any teeth in there?" Bob got real close and +took a long, hard, look. Lifting his head, he replied, "Of course there's +no teeth in there, what did you expect with those rotten gums?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +INDOOR GOLF + +1. Each player will furnish is own equipment for play, normally one club + and two balls. + +2. The course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole. + +3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and + keep the balls out of the hole. + +4. For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. + Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft + before play begins. + +5. Course owners have the right to restrict the length of the club in + order to avoid damage to the hole. + +6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until + the owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied + permission to play the course again. + +7. It is normally considered bad form to begin playing the hole + immediately upon arriving at the course. The experienced player will + usually admire the entire course, with special attention to the well + formed bunkers. + +8. Players are cautioned not to mention any other courses they have + played. Upset owners have been know to damage players' equipment for + this reason. + +9. Players should assure themselves that the match has been properly + scheduled - especially on a course being played for the first time. + Previous players have been known to get irate if they find someone + else playing what they considered their own private course. + +10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape for play at + all times. Some owners may be embarrassed if their course is + temporarily under repair. The player is advised to use tact in + this determination. More advanced players will find alternate + means of play when this is the case. + +11. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play + the same hole several times in one match. + +12. Course owners shall be the judge as to who is the best player. It + is considered bad form for a player to reveal his score, or even + that he even played the course, to other players. Players who have + contracted for exclusive rights to play a private course are + cautioned that information reaching the owner that the player + has played some other course, may result in the contract being + canceled and a suit for damages instituted. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A polish couple got married. On their wedding night they couldn't figure +out how to have sex. So the woman said to her husband, "Dear, go to the +doctor tomorrow and ask him how we can have sex." The next day the polack +went to the doctor and said, "Doc, how do my wife and I have sex?" The +doctor told him, "Son, I want you to go home and stick the longest thing +you've got up the hairiest thing she's got." That night the polack went +home and practiced what the doctor recommended - he stuck his nose up her +armpit. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An aggie decided to celebrate his latest gusher by going to the nearest bar. +When he walked in, the aggie noticed a stunning young woman at the end of +the bar; he asked the bartender to send her a drink. The bartender warned +the aggie, "You don't want to get involved with her." "Why not?" said the +aggie. "Because she's a Lesbian!" the bartender said. "That don't bother +me!" exclaimed the aggie as he made his way to young woman's table. Taking +a seat, he asked her, "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why do Mexican cars have small steering wheels?? + +A: So they can drive them with handcuffs on. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Having just finished his meal, the restaraunt customer was eagerly looking +forward to enjoying a good cup of coffee before he left. As the waiter +returned from the kitchen, the customer noticed that the waiter was holding +the cup in such a way that his thumb curled over the rim of the cup and was +actually submerged in the brew. The customer was irate, exclaiming, "What +the hell are you doing with your thumb in my coffee?!" The waiter looked +surprised, and somewhat embarassed, and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but I have +arthritis in my thumb - really bad, you see - and I wasn't even conscious +of having my thumb in your coffee. The warmth, you see, makes it feel SO +much better and ..." The customer cut the babbling waiter off, "If it's +warmth you want, why don't you just stick your thumb up your ass?!" The +waiter replied, "Oh, I do - when I'm in the kitchen!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day a man was playing golf by himself. He hit a tee shot into a sand +trap. While looking for his ball, he unearthed an antique lamp. He dusted +it off and a genie appeared. With a raised hand, the golfer stopped the +genie, saying, "I don't want anything. I'm happy with life as it is." No +matter what the genie said, the golfer could not be convinced to make even +one wish. The golfer played on, but the genie, having much experience in +these matters, knew what every man wants. The genie gave the golfer health, +wealth and a great sex life. A year later, the same man hit his golf ball +into the same sand trap. Looking for his ball, he again found the lamp. +As soon as the golfer picked up the lamp, the genie appeared. The man again +stopped the genie. The genie said, "Then, sir, please grant ME a wish and +answer some questions." The golfer agreed. "How is your health?" asked the +genie. "Unusually good this past year," said the man. Feeling better, the +genie asked, "How about your finances?" "I won the lottery several months +ago," said the golfer. "Excellent!" beamed the genie, "And how is your +love life?" "Not that it is any of your business," said the man, "But I +get it about twice a week." "Is that all?" asked the disappointed genie. +"Well," said the golfer, "I don't know about you, but I think that is +pretty darn good for a priest in a small parish!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why were there only 5000 Mexicans at the Alamo? + +A: Thats all that they could fit in the back of the pick-up truck. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What does P.M.S. really stand for? + +A: Punish the Male Species. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + TOP TEN MOTHER'S DAY GIFTS AVAILABLE IN TIMES SQUARE + +10. Rolling pin vibrator + 9. "World's Greatest Mom" crack pipe + 8. A lovely silk robe shoplifted from Saks + 7. Videocassette of the movie "Danish Moms" + 6. A guy who'll do anything for fifty bucks + 5. Necklace of human ears + 4. Car stereo (with minor crowbar damage) + 3. Combination brass knuckes/cheese slicer + 2. Gift certificate good for one brutal beating + 1. Inflatable Dad + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +PENNY'S LAW + +You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people +all of the time, but you can't fool Mom. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why did the DA drop the charges against Pee Wee Herman? + +A: He couldn't get it to stand up in court ... + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How did copper wire get invented? + +A: Two jews got it a fight over a penny. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why do blondes always poof their hair up so high? + +A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do historians know Abe Lincoln was Jewish? + +A: Because he was shot in the temple. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood decided to visit her grandmother. +Red took a basket with everything she needed and set out on her trip through +the forest. While she was happily skipping along the forest trail, she came +across a very friendly squirrel. When the squirrel learned that she was on +her way to see her grandmother, the squirrel said, "But you have to be very, +very careful! The Big Bad Wolf is looking for you and he says that he will +lick your titties! Little Red told the squirrel, "I'm not afraid, besides, I +have a gun in my basket!" A little further down the trail, Red came across a +rabbit. The rabbit told her the same thing. "Don't go to your grandmothers +house, because the Big Bad Wolf will be waiting for you and he wants to lick +your titties!" Little Red told the rabbit, "I'm not afraid, besides, I have +a gun in my basket!" Little Red Riding Hood skipped on down the forest trail. +When she got to her grandmother's house she met the Big Bad Wolf. He said, +"Hello there, Red! I'm glad you are here, because I'm going to lick your +titties!" Little Red looked bravely at the Big Bad Wolf and said, "I have a +gun in my basket, your not going to lick my titties! You are going to do like +the book said and you are going to EAT ME!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why do blondes stick their heads out the windows of moving cars? + +A: To refuel their heads. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What did the blonde say when her boyfriend blew in her ear? + +A: Thanks for the refill. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +MORE OXYMORONS + +... helicopter with an ejection seat. +... submarine with a screen door. +... solar powered nightlight. +... condom with air holes. +... government efficiency. +... infatable dart board. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Yesterday I looked out my backyard into my neighbor's backyard and I saw a +penguin walking around the yard. So, I called my neighbor and said, "Do you +know that you have a penguin in your back yard?" He said, "Yes, I know; what +do you think I should do about it?" I said, "Why don't you take it to the +zoo." The next day I looked out my backyard again and the penguin was still +in my neighbor's backyard, so I called him up again and said, "Hey, I thought +you took that penguin to the zoo?" He said, "I did, and we had so much fun +that today I am taking him to the beach ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A preacher was giving a lecture on temperance to an unruly audience in an +Old West mining camp. "Look," he said, "I put a worm in a glass of water +and it's still alive. I put another worm in a glass of alcohol and it died +right away. What does that tell you?" "Easy," responded a voice from the +back, "If you don't want worms, drink liquor!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do two hardware technicians insult each other? + +A: "Your motherboard!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear that Oscar Meyer signed Jeffrey Dahmer to an endorsement deal? +He sings a lunchtime song on the way to the fridge: "My bologna has a first +name, it's R-O-G-E-R. My bologna has a second name it's ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What do you call a cheap male prostitute with no arms or legs? + +A: Humphrey. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +7 MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMEN'S LIFE + +Doctor, because he says, "Take off all your clothes." +Dentist, because he says, "Open wide." +Milkman, because he says, "Do you want it in front or back?" +Hairdresser, because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?" +Interior decorator, because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it." +Banker, because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest." +Engineer, because he says, "Don't worry, I'll stretch it to fit." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How did Pee-Wee Herman die? + +A: He had a stroke. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +President Bush called Dan Quayle into his office. Bush said, "Dan, I want +you to go on a fact finding mission to Central America." "Ok," Dan replied. +So, Dan went back to his office and said to his secretary, "Will you please +book me a flight to Ohio?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +It is said that woman is the greatest thing that God ever created; then why +did he have to give her a mouth and ruin it all? + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do you know when you walk into a gay church? + +A: Only half the men are kneeling. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do you screw a fat chick? + +A: Flip through the folds of fat until you find the one that smells like + shit, then go back one. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Dirty Ernie had been picking up some bad language by hanging out at the +construction site down the street. His mother was very upset by this and +asked Ernie Senior to reprimand him. "I heard you've been using some pretty +bad language son," said Ernie Senior, "Go get me a switch." Dirty Ernie +replied, "Fuck you, thats the electrician's job!" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Fred was worried about going to the doctor for an examination. He wasn't +looking forward to the prostate exam so he asked a friend, Bob, who had +recently had one, what it was like. "Not that bad," said Bob, "The doctor +asked me to drop my pants and bend over the table. Then he put his hand on +my hip and stuck this long ... Hey! He had both hands on my hips ..." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION PLEASE! + +1. Make a fist out of your hand +2. Loosen it a little + +Q: What do you get? +A: Pee-Wee's Playhouse. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Scotsman took a hot Irish babe out in a taxi. She was so good looking that +he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Why did God make man first? + +A: Because he didn't want to be told how to do it. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear? + +A: See if there is any dandruff on her shoes. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I heard the other day that Buddha walked up to a hotdog stand and asked if +they could make him One with Everything. + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a posi- +tion as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was +interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How +much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of +measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and +announcing, "Four." The physicist was interviewed next, and was asked the +same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, +made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consulta- +tion with the United States Bureau of Standards, and many calculations, he +also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the +same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last +question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to +see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and +asked, "How much do you want it to be?" + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of +Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the +same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to +his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that +found in a low-grade Motel 6-type establishment. The lawyer was then +taken to his room, which was a palacial suite including a private +swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The +attorney was somehwat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really +quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such +small accomodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes +here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer." + +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers? + +A: No. + +Reply: Good! + diff --git a/yomamajokes.txt b/yomamajokes.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0eab9e5 --- /dev/null +++ b/yomamajokes.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1040 @@ +Yo mama is so fat that her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does. +Yo mama is so fat that when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her ten years to live. +Yo mama is so fat that the National Weather Service names each one of her farts. +Yo mama is so fat that when she wears a yellow raincoat, people yell "taxi!" +Yo mama is so fat and dumb that the only reason she opened her email was because she heard it contained spam. +Yo mama is so fat she threw on a sheet for Halloween and went as Antarctica. +Yo mama is so fat that she looked up cheat codes for Wii Fit +Yo mama is so fat that the only exercise she gets is when she chases the ice cream truck. +Yo mama is so fat that she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose. +Yo mama is so fat that when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down. +Yo mama is so fat that when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up. +Yo mama is so fat that she has to iron her pants on the driveway. +Yo mama is so fat that she left the house in high heels and came back wearing flip flops. +Yo mama is so fat that people jog around her for exercise. +Yo mama is so fat that she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the New World. +Yo mama is so fat that when she walked in front of the TV, I missed 3 seasons of Breaking Bad. +Yo mama is so fat that you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through! +Yo mama is so fat that that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean... +Yo mama is so fat that when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too. +Yo mama is so fat that when she talks to herself, itgs a long distance call. +Yo mama is so fat that the last time she saw 90210, it was on a scale. +Yo mama is so fat that light bends around her. +Yo mama is so fat that I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing! +Yo mama is so fat that when she sat on Wal-Mart, she lowered the prices. +Yo mama is so fat that when she sat on an iphone, it turned into an ipad. +Yo mama is so fat that even god can't lift her spirit. +Yo mama is so fat that she gets group insurance. +Yo mama is so fat that she was zoned for commercial development. +Yo mama is so fat that she walked into the Gap and filled it. +Yo mama is so fat that she comes at you from all directions. +Yo mama is so fat that when she climbed onto a diving board at the beach, the lifeguard told your dad "sorry, you can't park here". +Yo mama is so fat that her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. +Yo mama is so fat that she looks like shegs smuggling a Volkswagen. +Yo mama is so fat that when she got her shoes shined, she had to take the guygs word for it. +Yo mama is so fat that when she sings, itgs over for everybody. +Yo mama is so fat that when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton to display her picture. +Yo mama is so fat that when she was growing up she didngt play with dolls, she played with midgets. +Yo mama is so fat that she uses two buses for roller-blades. +Yo mama's so fat she blew up the Deathstar. +Yo mama is so fat that when she goes to a buffet, she gets the group rate. +Yo mama is so fat that she has to put her belt on with a boomerang. +Yo mama is so fat that she broke the Stairway to Heaven. +Yo mama is so fat that she doesngt eat with a fork, she eats with a forklift. +Yo mama is so fat that the last time the landlord saw her, he doubled the rent. +Yo mama is so fat that Weight Watchers wongt look at her. +Yo mama is so fat that the highway patrol made her wear a sign saying "Caution! Wide Turn". +Yo mama is so fat that when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! +Yo mama is so fat that when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please". +Yo mama is so fat that she fell in love and broke it. +Yo mama is so fat that when she gets on the scale it says "We don't do livestock". +Yo mama is so fat that when she tripped on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th. +Yo mama is so fat that God couldn't light the Earth until she moved! +Yo mama is so fat that even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! +Yo mama is so fat that she has to pull down her pants to get into her pockets. +Yo mama is so fat that she was born on the fourth, fifth, and sixth of June. +Yo mama is so fat that she could fall down and wouldngt even know it. +Yo mama is so fat that the sign inside one restaurant says, “Maximum occupancy: 300, or Yo momma.” +Yo mama is so fat that she puts mayonnaise on aspirin. +Yo mama is so fat that she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth. +Yo mama is so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips. +Yo mama is so fat that she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. +Yo mama is so fat that her bellybuttongs got an echo. +Yo mama is so fat that when she turns around people throw her a welcome back party. +Yo mama is so fat that her belly button doesngt have lint, it has sweaters. +Yo mama is so fat that a picture of her would fall off the wall. +Yo mama is so fat that when she takes a shower, her feet dongt get wet. +Yo mama is so fat that she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller! +Yo mama is so fat that she could sell shade. +Yo mama is so fat that I ran around her twice and got lost. +Yo mama is so fat that the shadow of her butt weighs 100 pounds. +Yo mama is so fat that when shegs standing on the corner police drive by and yell, “Hey, break it up.” +Yo mama is so fat that her blood type is Ragu. +Yo mama is so fat that when she runs the fifty-yard dash she needs an overnight bag. +Yo mama is so fat that she cangt even fit into an AOL chat room. +Yo mama is so fat when she goes skydiving she doesn't use a parachute to land, she uses a twin-engine plane! +Yo mama is so fat MTX audio's subwoofers couldn't rattle her bones! +Yo mama is so fat her headphones are a pair of PA speakers connected to a car amplifier. +Yo mama is so fat that she doesngt have a tailor, she has a contractor. +Yo mama is so fat that eating contests have banned her because she is unfair competition. +Yo mama is so fat that she measures 36-24-36, and the other arm is just as big. +Yo mama is so fat that she gets her toenails painted at Luckygs Auto Body. +Yo mama is so fat that when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! +Yo mama is so fat that when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck! +Yo mama is so fat that she has more Chins than a Chinese phone book! +Yo mama is so fat that she influences the tides. +Yo mama is so fat that when she plays hopscotch, she goes "New York, L.A., Chicago..." +Yo mama is so fat that NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! +Yo mama is so fat that when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. +Yo mama is so fat that they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! +Yo mama is so fat that she's on both sides of the family! +Yo mama is so fat that at the zoo, the elephants throw HER peanuts. +Yo mama is so fat you have to roll over twice to get off her. +Yo mama is so fat that she sets off car alarms when she runs. +Yo mama is so fat that she cant reach into her back pocket. +Yo mama is so fat that she has her own gravity field. +Yo mama is so fat that she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. +Yo mama is so fat that the only pictures you have of her were taken by satellite cameras. +Yo mama is so fat that when she wears a "Malcolm X" T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back! +Yo mama is so fat that it took Usain Bolt 3 years to run around her. +Yo mama so fat that she sweats more than a dog in a chinese restaurant. +Yo mama so fat, that went she stepped in the water, Thailand had to declare another tsunami warning. +Yo mama is so fat that that she cant tie her own shoes. +Yo mama is so fat that when she lays on the beach, people run around yelling Free Willy. +Yo mama is so fat that she uses redwoods to pick her teeth +Yo mama is so fat that she cut her leg and gravy poured out +Yo mama is so fat that she was in the Macygs Thanksgiving Day Parade... wearing ropes. +Yo mama is so fat that she went on a light diet. As soon as itgs light she starts eating. +Yo mama is so fat that shegs half Italian, half Irish, and half American. +Yo mama is so fat that her waist size is the Equator. +Yo mama is so fat that she cangt even jump to a conclusion. +Yo mama is so fat that she uses a mattress for a tampon. +Yo mama is so fat that when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock at me?" +Yo mama is so fat that we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay for her because we dressed her up as a Toyota. +Yo mama is so fat that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. +Yo mama is so fat that she was cut from the cast of E.T., because she caused an eclipse when she rode the bike across the moon. +Yo mama is so fat that when you get on top of her your ears pop. +Yo mama is so fat that she got hit by a car and had to go to the hospital to have it removed. +Yo mama is so fat that she eats "Wheat Thicks". +Yo mama is so fat that we're in her right now! +Yo mama is so fat that she went to the movie theatre and sat next to everyone. +Yo mama is so fat that she has been declared a natural habitat for condors. +Yo mama is so fat that when she wants to shake someones hand, she has to give directions! +Yo mama is so fat that even Dora can't explore her! +Yo mama is so fat that when she gets on the scale it says "to be continued". +Yo mama is so fat that when she goes to a resturant, she looks at the menu and says "okay!" +Yo mama is so fat that even Chuck Norris couldn't run around her. +Yo mama is so fat that her neck looks like a dozen hot dogs! +Yo mama is so fat that when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell! +Yo mama is so fat that she's got her own area code! +Yo mama is so fat that she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon! +Yo mama is so fat that she has to buy three airline tickets. +Yo mama is so fat that whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! +Yo mama is so fat that she's got Amtrak written on her leg. +Yo mama is so fat that her legs are like spoiled milk - white & chunky! +Yo mama is so fat that I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side! +Yo mama is so fat that she wakes up in sections! +Yo mama so fat, all she wants for Christmas is to see her feet. +Yo mama is so fat that when she lies on the beach no one else gets any sun! +Yo mama is so fat that that her senior pictures had to be taken from a helicopter! +Yo mama is so fat that everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil! +Yo mama is so fat that she fell and created the Grand Canyon! +Yo mama is so fat that her butt drags on the ground and kids yell - "there goes santa claus with his bag of toys!" +Yo mama is so fat that even her clothes have stretch marks! +Yo mama is so fat that she has to use a VCR as a beeper! +Yo mama is so fat that when she asked for a waterbed, they put a blanket over the ocean! +Yo mama is so fat that she got hit by a parked car! +Yo mama is so fat that they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping. +Yo mama is so fat that when we were playing Call of Duty, I got a 20 kill streak for killing her. +Yo mama is so fat that Dracula got Type 2 Diabetes after biting her neck. +Yo mama is so fat that when she visited Toronto's City Hall, she was arrested for attempting to smuggle 500 lbs of crack into Mayor Rob Ford's office. +Yo mama is so fat that when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. +Yo mama is so fat that that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. +Yo mama is so fat that when she went to church and sat on a bible, Jesus came out and said "LET MY PEOPLE GO!" +Yo mama is so fat that when she dances at a concert the whole band skips. +Yo mama is so fat that she stands in two time zones. +Yo mama is so fat that she went to the fair and the kids thought she was a bouncy castle. +Yo mama is so fat that when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. +Yo mama is so fat that the camera TAKES AWAY 10 lbs from her appearance. +Yo mama is so fat that her sedan can fit 5 people... or just yo mama with the front seats removed. +Yo mama is so fat that when she went to seaworld the whales started singing "We Are Family". +Yo mama is so fat that she fell out of both sides of her bed. +Yo mama is so fat that the stripes on her pajamas never end. +Yo mama is so fat, Al Gore accuses her of global warning everytime she farts! +Yo mama is so fat that she's got every caterer in the city on speed dial! +Yo mama's so fat that when she goes on a scale, it shows her own phone number. +Yo mama's so fat that she doesn't need the internet - she's worldwide. +Yo mama's so fat that when she goes on a scale, it reads "lose some weight". +Yo mama's so fat that she doesn't get dreams, she gets movies! +Yo mama's so fat that when she walks, she changes the earth's rotation! +Yo mama is so fat that she uses the entire country of Mexico as her tanning bed. +Yo mama is so ugly that when she went to a beautician it took 12 hours... to get a quote! +Yo mama is so ugly that she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning. +Yo mama is so ugly that people go as her for Halloween. +Yo mama is so ugly that she turned Medusa to stone! +Yo mama is so ugly that the government moved Halloween to her birthday! +Yo mama is so ugly that she scares the roaches away. +Yo mama is so ugly that she scared the crap out of the toilet. +Yo mama is so ugly that... well... look at you! +Yo mama is so ugly that when she looks in the mirror, the reflection looks back and shakes its head. +Yo mama is so ugly that she looks like she's been in a dryer filled with rocks. +Yo mama is so ugly that she makes blind children cry. +Yo mama is so ugly that she climbed the ugly ladder and didn't miss a step. +Yo mama is so ugly that the last time I saw something that looked like her, I pinned a tail on it. +Yo mama is so ugly that we put her in the kennel when we go on vacation. +Yo mama is so ugly that her shadow ran away from her. +Yo mama is so ugly that she could scare the flies off a shit wagon. +Yo mama is so ugly that her birth certificate contained an apology letter from the condom factory. +Yo mama is so ugly that that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye. +Yo mama is so ugly that she tried to take a bath and the water jumped out! +Yo mama is so ugly that when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?" +Yo mama is so ugly that her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her. +Yo mama is so ugly that when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras. +Yo mama is so ugly that they didn't give her a costume when she auditioned for Star Wars. +Yo mama is so ugly that even Rice Krispies won't talk to her! +Yo mama is so ugly that when she uploaded a photo of herself to a computer, it was rejected by the anti-virus software. +Yo mama is so ugly that when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." +Yo mama is so ugly that she could make a freight train take a dirt road. +Yo mama is so ugly that that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her. +Yo mama is so ugly that when she drove past area 51, she was thought to be extraterrestrial life. They took her away never to be seen again. +Yo mama is so ugly that they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints +Yo mama is so ugly that you have to tie a steak around her neck so the dog will play with her! +Yo mama is so ugly that just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." +Yo mama is so ugly that she made an onion cry! +Yo mama is so ugly that when I last saw a mouth like hers, it had a hook in it. +Yo mama is so ugly that she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween! +Yo mama is so ugly that when she plays Mortal Kombat, Scorpion tells her to "Stay Over There!" +Yo mama is so ugly that neither Jacob nor Edward want her on their team. +Yo mama is so ugly that they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. +Yo mama is so ugly that when she goes to the therapist, he makes her lie on the couch face down. +Yo mama is so ugly that she gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares. +Yo mama is so ugly that when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on the table and start screaming. +Yo mama is so ugly that even Bill Clinton wouldn't sleep with her. +Yo mama is so ugly that when she was born, the doctor slapped her AND her parents! +Yo mama is so ugly that she didn't get hit with the ugly stick, she got hit by the whole damn tree. +Yo mama is so ugly that she has 7 years bad luck just trying to look at herself in the mirror. +Yo mama is so ugly that she practices birth control by leaving the lights on. +Yo mama is so ugly that she threw a boomerang and it wouldn't even come back. +Yo mama is so ugly that she'd scare the monster out of Loch Ness. +Yo mama is so ugly that it looks like she's been bobbing for french fries. +Yo mama is so ugly that her pillow cries at night. +Yo mama is so ugly that people at the circus pay money not to see her. +Yo mama is so ugly that when she looks in the mirror it says "viewer discretion is advised." +Yo mama is so ugly that she can look up a camel's butt and scare the hump off of it. +Yo mama is so ugly that when she moved into the projects, all her neighbors chipped in for curtains. +Yo mama is so ugly that Santa pays an elf to drop off her gifts at Christmas. +Yo mama is so ugly that people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don't get stolen. +Yo mama is so ugly that I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application. +Yo mama is so ugly that if she was a scarecrow, the corn would run away. +Yo mama is so ugly that she could be the poster child for birth control. +Yo mama is so ugly that I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "" +Yo mama is so ugly that when she went to a beautician it took 12 hours... to get a quote! +Yo mama is so ugly that she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning. +Yo mama is so ugly that people go as her for Halloween. +Yo mama is so ugly that she turned Medusa to stone! +Yo mama is so ugly that the government moved Halloween to her birthday! +Yo mama is so ugly that she scares the roaches away. +Yo mama is so ugly that she scared the crap out of the toilet. +Yo mama is so ugly that... well... look at you! +Yo mama is so ugly that when she looks in the mirror, the reflection looks back and shakes its head. +Yo mama is so ugly that she looks like she's been in a dryer filled with rocks. +Yo mama is so ugly that she makes blind children cry. +Yo mama is so ugly that she climbed the ugly ladder and didn't miss a step. +Yo mama is so ugly that the last time I saw something that looked like her, I pinned a tail on it. +Yo mama is so ugly that we put her in the kennel when we go on vacation. +Yo mama is so ugly that her shadow ran away from her. +Yo mama is so ugly that she could scare the flies off a shit wagon. +Yo mama is so ugly that her birth certificate contained an apology letter from the condom factory. +Yo mama is so ugly that that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye. +Yo mama is so ugly that she tried to take a bath and the water jumped out! +Yo mama is so ugly that when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?" +Yo mama is so ugly that her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her. +Yo mama is so ugly that when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras. +Yo mama is so ugly that they didn't give her a costume when she auditioned for Star Wars. +Yo mama is so ugly that even Rice Krispies won't talk to her! +Yo mama is so ugly that when she uploaded a photo of herself to a computer, it was rejected by the anti-virus software. +Yo mama is so ugly that when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." +Yo mama is so ugly that she could make a freight train take a dirt road. +Yo mama is so ugly that that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her. +Yo mama is so ugly that when she drove past area 51, she was thought to be extraterrestrial life. They took her away never to be seen again. +Yo mama is so ugly that they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints +Yo mama is so ugly that you have to tie a steak around her neck so the dog will play with her! +Yo mama is so ugly that just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." +Yo mama is so ugly that she made an onion cry! +Yo mama is so ugly that when I last saw a mouth like hers, it had a hook in it. +Yo mama is so ugly that she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween! +Yo mama is so ugly that when she plays Mortal Kombat, Scorpion tells her to "Stay Over There!" +Yo mama is so ugly that neither Jacob nor Edward want her on their team. +Yo mama is so ugly that they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. +Yo mama is so ugly that when she goes to the therapist, he makes her lie on the couch face down. +Yo mama is so ugly that she gives Freddy Kreuger nightmares. +Yo mama is so ugly that when she walks in the kitchen, the rats jump on the table and start screaming. +Yo mama is so ugly that even Bill Clinton wouldn't sleep with her. +Yo mama is so ugly that when she was born, the doctor slapped her AND her parents! +Yo mama is so ugly that she didn't get hit with the ugly stick, she got hit by the whole damn tree. +Yo mama is so ugly that she has 7 years bad luck just trying to look at herself in the mirror. +Yo mama is so ugly that she practices birth control by leaving the lights on. +Yo mama is so ugly that she threw a boomerang and it wouldn't even come back. +Yo mama is so ugly that she'd scare the monster out of Loch Ness. +Yo mama is so ugly that it looks like she's been bobbing for french fries. +Yo mama is so ugly that her pillow cries at night. +Yo mama is so ugly that people at the circus pay money not to see her. +Yo mama is so ugly that when she looks in the mirror it says "viewer discretion is advised." +Yo mama is so ugly that she can look up a camel's butt and scare the hump off of it. +Yo mama is so ugly that when she moved into the projects, all her neighbors chipped in for curtains. +Yo mama is so ugly that Santa pays an elf to drop off her gifts at Christmas. +Yo mama is so ugly that people hang her picture in their cars so their radios don't get stolen. +Yo mama is so ugly that I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application. +Yo mama is so ugly that if she was a scarecrow, the corn would run away. +Yo mama is so ugly that she could be the poster child for birth control. +Yo mama is so ugly that I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back." +Yo mama is so ugly that when she went to Taco Bell everyone ran for the border. +Yo mama is so ugly that her face is blurred on her driver's license. +Yo mama is so ugly that when she walked out of her house, the neighbours called animal control. +Yo mama is so ugly that the FCC requires her face to be blurred when she's on TV, because of decency rules. +Yo mama is so ugly that a sculpture of her face is used when torturing prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. +Yo mama is so ugly that government intelligence agencies have to pixelize her face when spying on her. +Yo mama is so ugly that she's never seen herself 'cause the mirrors keep breaking. +Yo mama is so ugly that it looks like someone did the stanky leg dance on her face. +Yo mama is so ugly that when she was born she was put in an incubator with tinted windows. +Yo mama is so ugly that she put the Boogie Man out of business! +Yo mama is so ugly that she made Barack Obama lose hope! +Yo mama was such an ugly baby that her parents had to feed her with a slingshot. +Yo mama is like a hockey player, she only showers after three periods. +Yo mama is like a chicken coop, cocks fly in and out all day. +Yo mama has so many teeth missing, that it looks like her tongue is in jail. +Yo mama's mouth is so big that she speaks in surround sound. +Yo mama is so grouchy that the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals. +You suck... yo mama does too, but she charges. +Yo mama is like a paper towel, she picks up all kinds of slimy wet stuff. +Yo mama is like Bazooka Joe, 5 cents a blow. +Yo mama is like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up. +Yo mama is like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her. +Yo mama is like the sun, look at her too long and you'll go blind. +Yo mama is like a library, she's open to the public. +Yo mama is like a fine restaurant, she only takes deliveries in the rear. +Yo mama is like an ATM, open 24 hours. +Yo mama is like a bowling ball... round, heavy, and you can fit three fingers in. +Yo mama is like a basketball hoop, everybody gets a shot. +Yo mama is like a Discover card, she gives cash back. +Yo mama is like a championship ring, everybody puts a finger in her. +Yo mama is like Dominoes Pizza, one call does it all. +Yo mama is like a microwave, press one button and she's hot. +Yo mama is like a mail box, open day and night. +Yo mama is like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter. +Yo mama is like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long. +Yo mama is like a door knob, everybody gets a turn. +Yo mama is like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on. +Yo mama's such a ho that "who's your daddy?" is a multiple-choice question. +You'll never be the man Yo mama was. +Yo mama... 'nuff said. +Yo mama is so lazy that she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs. +Yo mama is so lazy that she's got a remote control just to operate her remote! +Yo mama's arms are so short that she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear. +Yo mama's lips are so big that Chapstick had to invent a spray. +Yo mama is so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon. +What's the difference between yo momma and a walrus? One has whiskers and smells of fish... the other one is a walrus! +Yo mama is missing a finger and can't count past nine. +Yo mama is so flat that she makes the walls jealous! +Yo mama's gums are so black that she spits Yoo-hoo. +It took yo mama 10 tries to get her drivers license - she couldn't get used to the front seat! +Yo mama's so fat that when she asked me "what's up?" I said "your weight!" +Yo mama is twice the man you are. +Yo mama's head is so small that she got her ear pierced and died. +Yo mama is cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo. +Yo mama is so stupid that she was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday. +Yo mama's head is so small that she uses a tea-bag as a pillow. +Yo mama's face is so wrinkled, that she has to screw her hat on. +Yo mama's hips are so big that people set their drinks on them. +Yo mama's hair is so nappy that she has to take Tylenol just to comb it. +Yo mama's feet are so big that her shoes need to have license plates on them! +Yo mama's so lonely that she buys hot dogs and nuts wishing she could have sex with them. +Yo mama is so bald that even a wig wouldn't help! +Yo mama is so bald that you can see what's on her mind. +Yo mama is so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed! +Yo mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles everyone sings "We're Walking on Sunshine." +Yo mama is like a slaughter house - everybody's hanging their meat up in her. +Yo mama is like the new AOL 4.0: Fun, Fast, Easy and Free! +Yo mama is like a carpenter's dream - flat as a board and easy to nail. +Yo mama is like Humpty Dumpty - First she gets humped, then she gets dumped. +Yo mama is like a bag of potato chips, "Free-To-Lay." +Yo mama is like a turtle - once she's on her back she's fucked. +Yo mama is like a fan - she's always blowing someone. +Yo mama is like Pizza Hut - if she isn't there in 30 minutes... it's Free! +Yo mama is like a goalie - she only changes her pads after three periods. +Yo mama is like a gas station - you gotta pay before you pump! +Yo mama is like Sprint - 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country. +Yo mama is like a Chinese restaurant - All you can eat for only $9.95! +Yo mama smells so bad that the doctor diagnosed her with breath cancer. +Yo mama's breath smells so bad that when she yawns her teeth duck out of the way. +What's the difference between yo mama and a Lay-Z-Boy? One's soft, squishy, and always has someone in it. The other is a chair. +What's the difference between yo mama and a 747? About 20 pounds. +Yo mama's like a shotgun, one cock and she blows. +Yo mama's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen. +Yo mama's like cake mix, 15 servings per package! +Yo mama's like a 5 foot tall basketball hoop, it ain't that hard to score. +Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner... she sucks, blows, and then gets laid in the closet. +Yo mama's like the Pillsbury dough boy - everybody pokes her. +Yo mama's like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans. +Yo mama's like a nickel, she ain't worth a dime. +Yo mama's like a streetlamp, you can find her turned on at night on any street corner. +Yo mama's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, and guys go in and out all day. +Yo mama's like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, there's no wrong way to eat her. +Yo mama's like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away. +Yo mama's like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up. +Yo mama's like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country. +Yo mama's like school at 3 o'clock... children keep coming out and nobody can remember all the fathers. +Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she gets picked up, fingered, thrown down the gutter, and she still comes back for more. +Yo mama's like a set of speakers - loud, ugly, lives in a box, and you can turn her up, down, on, and off. +Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece. +Yo mama's like 7-Eleven - open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents you can get a slurpy. +Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner - a real good suck. +Yo mama's like a Snickers bar, packed with nuts. +Yo mama's like a race car driver - she burns a lot of rubbers. +Yo mama's like a parking garage, three bucks and you're in. +Yo mama's like a pool table, she likes balls in her pocket. +Yo mama's got 1 toe & 1 knee and they call her Tony. +Yo mama's got a "wait" problem, she can't wait to eat. +Yo mama's got a 4 dollar weave and don't know when to leave. +Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiles it looks like a Kraft Singles pack. +Yo mama's got Play-Doh teeth. +Yo mama's like the Panama Canal, vessels full of seamen pass through her everyday. +Yo mama likes to applaud, 'cause she's got clap +Yo mama's got 1 leg longer than the other so they call her call her hip hop. +Yo mama's got an eating disorder, she be eating dis order, dat order, she be eating all the damn orders! +Yo mama sucks so much dick her butt chin turned into a nut chin! +Yo mama's got more chins than a Chinese phone book. +Yo mama's like a bungee cord... 100 dollars for 30 seconds and if that rubber breaks, your ass is dead! +Yo mama's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth. +Yo mama's like a refrigerator, everyone puts their meat in her. +Yo mama's like a tricycle, she's easy to ride. +yo mamas like a hardware store. 25 cents a screw. +Yo mama's like mustard, she spreads easy. +Yo mama's like peanut butter: brown, creamy, and easy to spread. +Yo mama's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served. +Yo mama's like an elevator, guys go up and down on her all day. +Yo mama's like a railroad track, she gets laid all over the country. +Yo mama's like lettuce, 25 cents a head. +Yo mama's got an eagle's nest wig. +Yo mama's twice the man you are. +Yo mama's got more crust than a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. +Yo mama's got more weave than a dog in traffic. +Yo mama's only got one finger and runs around stealing key rings. +Yo mama's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns. +Yo mama's got a leather wig with suede sideburns. +Yo mama got hit upside the head with an ugly stick. +Yo mama's got so much weave, when a fly goes by her hair swats at it. +Yo mama's got no ears and was trying on sunglasses. +Yo mama's got so much weave, AT&T uses her extensions as backup lines. +Yo mama's got so much dandruff, she needs to defrost it before she combs her hair. +Yo mama's so bald that I can tell fortunes on her head. +Yo mama's so bald that you could draw a line down the middle of her head and it would look like my ass. +Yo mama's so bald that when she goes to bed, her head slips off the pillow. +Yo mama's so bald that when she braids her hair, it looks like stitches. +yo mama's breath is so stanky, she eats odour eaters. +Yo mama's like an iPod, fun to touch! +Yo mama's got one leg and people call her Ilene. +Yo mama's been on welfare so long that her picture is on food stamps. +Yo mama's like Wal-Mart... She's got different discounts everyday. +Yo mama's so hunchbacked, she has to look up to tie her shoes. +Yo mama's nostrils are so huge she makes Patrick Ewing jealous. +Yo mama's so hunchbacked, she has to wear goggles to wash dishes. +Yo mama's so hunchbacked, she can stand on her feet and her head at the same time. +Yo mama's so hunchbacked, she hits her head on speed bumps. +Yo mama's so fat that the Sorting Hat put her in all four houses! +Yo mama's so fat that a wingardium leviosa spell couldn't lift her. +Yo mama's so fat, she makes Hagrid look like "Mini-me". +Yo mama's so fat, she tried to eat Cornelius Fudge. +Yo mama's so ugly, even a dementor wouldn't kiss her! +Yo mama's so fat the Sorting Hat assigned her to the House of Pancakes. +Yo mama's so old, she used to babysit Dumbledore. +Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Sirius Black is a hip hop station on satellite radio. +Yo mama's so ugly that the whomping willow saw her and died. +Yo mama's so stupid she thinks Patronus is a kind of Tequlia. +Yo Mama's so fat, her Patronus is a Double-Whopper with Cheese. +Yo mama's so nasty, the Forbidden Forrest was named after her. +Yo mama's the reason that Dumbledore turned gay. +Yo mama's so old, her boobs look like two upside down Sorting Hats! +Yo mama's so fat, she used the invisibility cloak as a bib. +Yo Mama's so ugly, everybody calls her "She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Naked" +Yo mama's so fat that even the Dementors can't suck her soul out in one sitting. +Yo mama's so pasty, she makes Ron Weasely look like George Hamilton. +Yo mama's so fat, she looked in the mirror of Erised and saw a ham! +Yo mama's so old she gave Nicholas Flamel his first kiss. +Yo mama's so ugly that the Dementor's Kiss was swapped out for a hearty handshake and a promise to give her a call sometime. +Yo mama's so stupid, she drowned in a pensieve +Yo mama's so dumb she thought that she could talk to snakes if she put parsley on her tongue +Yo mama's so nasty, every pair of her panties has the Dark Mark on them. +Yo mama's so fat that if she confronted a boggart it would morph into a treadmill. +Yo Mama's so ugly that even Voldemort won't say her name. +Yo Mama's so poor she can't even afford a Gringotts account. +Yo mama's so fat that the sorting hat couldn't decide where to put her - she couldn't fit in any of the houses!! +Yo mama's the only mute prostitue in Hogsmeade. They call her "dumb-le-whore"! +Yo mama's so fat, she ate the Death Eaters. +Yo mama's so masculine that Dumbledore would sleep with her! +Yo mama's so nasty that the order of the phoenix was "stay away from that woman!" +Yo mama's so poor that Dobby gave her a sock to keep her foot warm. +Yo mama's such a tramp that she's given more rides than the Hogwarts Express! +Yo mama's so fat even Grawp can't pick her up! +Yo mama's so smelly, Bertie Bott made her his next jelly bean flavor. +Yo mama's so fat that it takes two boggarts to shape-shift into her! +Yo mama's so ugly that she lost a beauty contest to Mountain Troll. +Yo mama's so ugly that when the bassalisk snuck up on her and saw her face, HE dropped dead. +Yo mama's breath is the secret ingredient in the Weasly's Butterscotch Barf-ies. +Yo mama's so ugly that when she walked into Gringotts Wizarding Bank, they gave her a job application. +Yo mama's so ugly she turned the Basilisk to stone. +Yo mama's such a tramp that she's like a quidditch broomstick - everyone gets a ride. +Yo mama's so skanky that the reason you're called a Half-Blood Prince is because she has no idea who your father is! +Yo mama's so dumb that a stupify spell actually made her smarter. +Yo mama's so stanky that not even dobby would accept one of her socks. +Yo mama's so fat that even her Quidditch robes have stretch marks. +Yo mama's so old she makes Dumbledore look like a teenager. +Yo mama's so fat they'd have to use transfiguration to sneak her through the hole in the Gryffindor Tower. +Ya mama's so fat, her wand is a Slim Jim. +Yo mama's so fat the core of her wand has a creame filling. +Yo mama's so ugly that Voldemort took one look at her and killed HIMSELF!" +Yo mama's so poor she had to go to the Weasley's for a loan. +Yo mama's so ugly, she thought that Hogwarts were the growth on her thigh. +Yo mama's so ugly that as a baby they had to use the Confundus Charm so the family would play with her. +Yo mama's such a ho that she lets ANYONE enter her "chamber of secrets". +Yo mama's so ugly she scares the Dementors away. +Yo mama's so ugly that when she asked Crabbe to take her to the Yule Ball, he decided to go with Goyle instead! +Yo mama's so fat that a $700 billion bailout would only keep her fed for a week. +Yo mama's so fat that the housing bubble popped because she sat on it! +Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks the G8 is a Value Meal at McDonald's. +Yo mama's so fat that she supported the bailout just because she wanted a 'barrel of pork'. +Yo mama's so stupid that she thinks sub-prime is a way to cut steak. +Yo mama's so fat that even Mitt Romney couldn't afford to take her out to dinner! +Yo mama's so fat that her biography is called "The Audacity of Hardee's". +Yo mama's so greasy that her face could free the U.S. from its dependence on foreign oil. +Yo mama's so fat that Sarah Palin can see her from her house. +Yo mama's so fat that Sarah Palin can't see Russia anymore!. +Yo mama's so ugly that you could put lipstick on a pig and it would look ten times better than her! +Yo mama's so fat that "ACORN" registered her to vote eight times! +Yo mama is so dark that she spits chocolate milk! +Yo mama is so dark that she went to night school and was marked absent! +Yo mama is so dark that she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to keep from eating her fingers. +Yo mama is so dark that when she goes swimming it looks like an oil spill. +Yo mama is so dark that her ass looks like two tires. +Yo mama is so dark that she drinks water and pees coffee. +Yo mama is so dark that when she puts on yellow lipstick, she looks like a cheese burger. +Yo mama is so dark that she could show up naked to a funeral. +Yo mama is so dark that she bleeds molasses. +Yo mama is so dark that she looks like a picture of outer-space with no stars... except when she smiles. +Yo mama is so dark that when she goes outside, the streetlights turn on. +Yo mama is so dark that she got her tattoo done in chalk. +Yo mama is so dark that when she puts lotion on her legs it looks like she has on patent leather pants. +Yo mama is so dark that when the police shot at her, the bullets came back for flashlights. +Yo mama is so dark that she was riding a motorcycle and got a ticket for tinted windows. +Yo mama is so dark that when she smiles at night she looks like a pack of floating Chicklets. +Yo mama is so dark that when her eyes are red she looks like a beeper. +Yo mama is so dark that her nickname is midnight. +Yo mama is so dark that she makes asphalt look grey. +Yo mama is so dark that that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal. +Yo mama's so fat that even the Death Star couldn't blow her up! +Yo mama's so fat that Spock couldn't find a pressure point to perform the Vulcan Death Grip on her. +Yo mama's so ugly that Wuher said 'We don't serve your kind here'. +Yo mama's so fat the odds against not finding her fat are approximately 3,720 to 1. +Yo mama's so fat that she thought the opening line of Kirk's monologue was "Spice, the final Frontier..." +Yo mama's so stupid that when the borg had to choose between assimilating her and a tree, they chose the tree. +Yo mama's so fat that if she were placed beside a changeling during regeneration, no one would know the difference. +Yo mama's so fat that she tried to fly through a temporal anomoly but she didn't fit. +Yo mama's so fat she makes Riker's belly look 3 atoms thick. +Yo mama's so fat that when she tried to captain a galaxy class they had to separate the saucer so she could fit. +Yo mama's so fat that she makes the USS Enterprise look like a micro machines racer. +Yo mama's so flatulent that she forced the Mustafarians to wear masks! +Yo mama's so dumb that she tried to rent a car from The Enterprise. +Yo mama's so fat that Dexster Jettster mistook her for his wife. +Yo mama's so ugly that the term 'bantha poodoo' wasn't used metaphorically with reference to her. +Yo mama's so fat that only half her body was able to come out frozen from the carbon freezing chamber in Cloud City. +Yo mama's so ugly that Dr. Evazan looks like a male supermodel next to her. +Yo mama's so fat that when she beams to a ship, the ship beams inside of her. +Yo mama's so such a ho that she slept with me... therefore, I AM YOUR FATHER! +Yo mama's so dumb that when she found a vulcan, she tried to call Santa to take him back to the north pole. +Yo mama's so fat that the passengers of the Millenium Falcon mistook her for a small moon. +Yo mama's so fat that Gardulla the Hutt had a boost in self-esteem after seeing her. +Yo mama's so ugly that she made doctor McCoy say "Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a Zoologist!" +Yo mama's so fat that she fell to the dark side and couldn't get back up. +Yo mama's so fat that if she was thrown into the second Death Star's reactor core, she could have blown up the entire Imperial fleet. +Yo mama's so fat that the Kaminoans couldn't use her as a host for clones since they couldn't pierce her skin deep enough to draw blood. +Yo mama's so weak-minded that I got her to lead me to Jabba without using a jedi mind trick! +Yo mama's so fat that she caused Kamino to flood when her water broke. +Yo mama's so ugly that she's probably a Shi'ido Clawdite that stays in her regular form all the time. +Yo mama's so fat that her lack of balance caused her to stumble into an Utapau sinkhole. +Yo mama's so fat that she crushed Boga as soon as she mounted her. +Yo Mama's so fat, that in an attempt to beam her up, the ship ended up being pulled down to the surface. +Yo Mama's so ugly even Data would need special eye googles to look at her. +Yo mama is so hairy that the only language she can speak is wookie. +Yo mama's so ugly her Kazon hairdo is an improvement! +Yo Mama's so ugly even a Ferengi would dress her in clothes. +Yo mama's so old even Guinan refers to her as "old bag". +Yo Mama's so fat that when she walks into a room the replicators stop working. +Yo Mama's so fat, Data feels strong emotions of disgust and self-terminates. +Yo Mama's so stupid the Borg wouldn't assimilate her! +Yo Mama's so fat she wears her own inertia dampener. +Yo Mama's so ugly she did the truly impossible: she made Captain James T Kirk's penis go limp. +Yo Mama's so fat, she managed to contain a warp core breach. +Yo Mama's so fat, she got stuck trying to enter the Nexus. +Yo Mama's so fat, when she fell over, she punched a hole in the fabric of space/time. +Yo mama's so fat that when she stepped on the scale, her weight was OVER 9000!!! +Yo Mama's so fat, she walked in front of the TV and I missed three seasons of Inuyasha! +Yo mama's so fat, Naruto couldnt make enough clones to see all sides of her. +Yo mama's so ugly, she can't even get tentacle raped. +Yo mama's so ugly, even Tamaki wouldn't hit on her. +Yo mama's so fat that the Dragon Ball Z crew uses her to make craters on set. +Yo mama's so ugly, she's the real reason sasuke left the village. +Yo mama's so fat that when she sat down on a park bench, she caused the Naruto timeskip. +Yo mama's so ugly that she's like a Death Note. Get someone to look at her, and they'll die! +Yo mama's so ugly, Jiraiya saw her and turned gay! +Yo mama's so hairy Naruto thought she was a Summon. +Yo mama's so fat, she scared L into giving up all sweets. +Yo mama's so ugly that she made Spike Spiegel choke on his cigarette +Yo mama's so ugly that she makes Sailor Bubba feel dirty. +Yo mama's so fat that she cant even fit in the expanding plug suit. +Yo mama's so ugly that she made Loz cry. +Yo mama's so dumb that when she was handed the death note, she thought they were asking for her autograph. +Yo mama's so fat that she broke the HP limit! +Yo mama's so hairy and ugly that she got used as Ashitare's stunt double. +Yo mama's so stupid she makes Tristan look like Einstein! +Yo mama's so fat, she makes Vash look anorexic! +Yo mama's so hairy that she has to go to Furfest to meet a man. +Yo mama's breath is so nasty that it chases away Miasma. +Yo mama's so round that she makes a Pokéball look flat! +Yo mama's so ugly, Saya thought she was a Chiropteran. +Yo mama's so dumb, she failed out of Cromartie High School. +Yo mama's so old and fat they use her wrinkles as set terrain for Dragon Ball Z. +Yo mama's nosehairs are so long that they make Bobobo jealous! +Yo mama's so fat that she was mistaken for Mt. Fuji at the Sakura festival. +Yo mama's so fat she makes a Snorlax look like a chihuahua! +Yo mama's so ugly that when Nozomu Itoshiki saw her, he didn't even bother with his "ZETSUBOUSHITA!" speech - he skipped straight to hanging himself. +Yo mama's so fat that it took the entire Dragon Ball Z crew 1 week just to lift her off the ground. +Yo mama's cosplay is so bad that she got beat by a Narutard in the masquerade! +Yo mama's so ugly that when Kakashi looked directly at her, he lost an eye. +Yo mama's so fat that she tried to eat someone dressed as a box of Pocky! +Yo mama's so ugly that she makes Orochimaru look beautiful. +Yo mama's so fat, Choji told her to lose weight. +Yo mama is so old that her birth certificate says "expired" on it. +Yo mama is so old that that when she was in school there was no history class. +Yo mama is so old that I told her to act her own age, and she died. +Yo mama is so old that she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. +Yo mama is so old that her social security number is 1. +Yo mama is so old that her birth certificate is written in Roman numerals. +Yo mama is so old that she has Adam & Eve's autographs. +Yo mama is so old that she co-wrote the Ten Commandments. +Yo mama is so old that she has an autographed bible. +Yo mama is so old she remembers when the Mayans published their calendar. +Yo mama is so old that the candles cost more than the birthday cake. +Yo mama is so old that when she farts, dust comes out. +Yo mama is so old that she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp. +Yo mama is so old that she drove a chariot to high school. +Yo mama is so old that she took her drivers test on a dinosaur. +Yo mama is so old that she DJ'd at the Boston Tea Party. +Yo mama is so old that she walked into an antique store and they kept her. +Yo mama is so old that she baby-sat for Jesus. +Yo mama is so old that she knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro. +Yo mama is so old that she knew the Beetles when they were the New Kids on the Block. +Yo mama is so old that when God said "Let there be light" she was there to flick the switch. +Yo mama is so old that she needed a walker when Jesus was still in diapers. +Yo mama is so old that when Moses split the red sea, she was on the other side fishing. +Yo mama is so old that she learned to write on cave walls. +Yo mama is so old that her memory is in black and white. +Yo mama is so old that she's mentioned in the shout out at the end of the bible. +Yo mama is so old that she planted the first tree at Central Park. +Yo mama is so old that she sat next to Jesus in third grade. +Yo mama is so old that she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. +Yo mama is so old that she knew Cap'n Crunch while he was still a private. +Yo mama is so old that she called the cops when David and Goliath started to fight. +Yo mama is so old that when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick. +Yo mamags so old, when she breast feeds, people mistake her for a fog machine. +Yo mama is so old that when she was young rainbows were black and white. +Yo mama is so old that she was a waitress at the Last Supper. +Yo mama is so old that she owes Jesus a dollar. +Yo mama is so old that she ran track with dinosaurs. +Yo mama is so stupid that it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes! +Yo mama is so stupid that when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran out the door with a spoon. +Yo mama is so stupid that when she saw the "Under 17 not admitted" sign at a movie theatre, she went home and got 16 friends. +Yo mama is so stupid that when she went for a blood test, she asked for time to study. +Yo mama is so stupid that she got locked in a grocery store and starved! +Yo mama is so stupid that you have to dig for her IQ! +Yo mama is so stupid that she tripped over a cordless phone! +Yo mama is so stupid that she sold her car for gas money! +Yo mama is so stupid that she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she couldn't read. +Yo mama is so stupid that that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order! +Yo mama is so stupid that she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Dr. Pepper. +Yo mama is so stupid that she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority. +Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds! +Yo mama is so stupid that she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home. +Yo mama is so stupid that when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "OK". +Yo mama is so stupid that she thought Grape Nuts was an STD. +Yo mama is so stupid that she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate". +Yo mama is so stupid that she asked me what yield meant, I said "Slow down" and she said "What... does.... yield... mean?" +Yo mama is so stupid that she thought Dunkin' Donuts was a basketball team! +Yo mama is so stupid that she put a phone up her ass and thought she was making a booty call. +Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India. +Yo mama is so stupid that she put on her glasses to watch 20/20. +Yo mama is so stupid that she climbed over a glass wall to see what was behind it. +Yo mama is so stupid that she failed a survey. +Yo mama is so stupid that she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go. +Yo mama is so stupid, she went to the aquarium to buy a Blu-Ray. +Yo mama is so stupid that I told her I was reading a book by Homer and she asked if I had anything written by Bart. +Yo mama is so stupid that she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of the basement window. +Yo mama is so stupid that she needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit. +Yo mama is so stupid that she thought brownie points were coupons for a bake sale. +Yo mama is so stupid that when the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the 'Any' key. +Yo mama is so stupid that she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. +Yo mama is so stupid that when I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she said "Cherry or Grape?" +Yo mama is so stupid that she sat in a tree house because she wanted to be a branch manager. +Yo mama is so stupid that I saw her jumping up and down, asked what she was doing, and she said she drank a bottle of medicine and forgot to shake it. +Yo mama is so stupid that when she locked her keys in the car, it took her all day to get Yo family out. +Yo mama is so stupid that she got locked out of a convertible car with the top down. +Yo mama is so stupid that when she pulled into the drive-thru at McDonald's, she drove through the window. +Yo mama is so stupid that she put 2 quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 cent. +Yo mama is so stupid that she was on the corner with a sign that said "Will eat for food." +Yo mama is so stupid that in the 'No Child Left Behind' act there's a provision that exempts yo mama. +Yo mama is so stupid that she got locked in a Furniture store and slept on the floor. +Yo mama is so stupid that she peals M&M's to make chocolate chip cookies. +Yo mama is so stupid that she leaves the house for the Home Shopping Network. +Yo mama is so stupid that she brought a cup to the movie "Juice." +Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer. +Yo mama is so stupid that she uses Old Spice for cooking. +Yo mama is so stupid that she threw a rock the ground and missed. +Yo mama is so stupid that she went to the store to buy a color TV and asked what colors they had. +Yo mama is so stupid that she tries to email people by putting envelopes into her computer's disk drive. +Yo mama is so stupid that when she took an IQ test, the results came out negative. +Yo mama's so stupid that she though Jar-Jar came with Pickles-Pickles. +Yo mama is so stupid that she thought St. Ides was a Catholic church. +Yo mama is so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind +Yo mama is so stupid that she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. +Yo mama is so stupid, that she thought Moby Dick was a sexually transmitted disease. +Yo mama is so stupid that she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners. +Yo mama is so stupid that she took a spoon to the superbowl. +Yo mama is so stupid that that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. +Yo mama is so stupid that she got stabbed in a shoot out. +Yo mama is so stupid that she sits on the TV, and watches the couch! +Yo mama is so stupid that she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain. +Yo mama is so stupid that she ordered her sushi well done. +Yo mama is so stupid that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's. +Yo mama is so stupid that she put on a coat to chew winterfresh gum. +Yo mama is so stupid that she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out. +Yo mama is so stupid that she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said "Hold the cheese." +Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company. +Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holiday album. +Yo mama is so stupid that she ran outside with a purse because she heard there was change in the weather. +Yo mama is so stupid that I told her Christmas was just around the corner and she went looking for it. +Yo mama is so stupid that she wiped her ass before she took a shit. +Yo mama is so stupid that she tries to insult you with yo mama jokes. +Yo mama is so stupid that she put a peephole in a glass door. +Yo mama is so stupid that I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod. +Yo mama is so stupid that when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. +Yo mama is so stupid that when she saw a "Wrong Way" sign in her rearview mirror, she turned around. +Yo mama is so stupid that she shoved a AA battery up her butt and said "I got the power!" +Yo mama is so stupid that she called the 7-11 to see when they closed. +Yo mama is so stupid that she sold the house to pay the mortgage. +Yo mama is so stupid that when I asked her about X-Men she said "Sure, there's Bobby my first baby daddy, Roger the guy I see on Thursdays..." +Yo mama is so stupid that she thought meow mix was a record for cats. +Yo mama is so stupid that she took lessons for a player piano. +Yo mama is so stupid that she said "what's that letter after x" and I said Y she said "Cause I wanna know". +Yo mama is so stupid that when she asked me what kinda jeans I wore, I said Guess and she said "Ummm... Levis?" +Yo mama is so stupid that if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. +Yo mama is so stupid that it takes her an hour to cook minute rice. +Yo mama is so stupid that she asked for a price check at the dollar store. +Yo mama is so stupid that on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911. +Yo mama is so stupid that she can't make Jello because she can't fit 2 quarts of water in the box. +Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks a stereotype is the brand on her clock-radio. +Yo mama is so stupid that she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court. +Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks sexual battery is something in a dildo. +Yo mama is so stupid that the first time she used a vibrator, she cracked her two front teeth. +Yo mama is so stupid that she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. +Yo mama is so stupid that I saw her walking down the street yelling into an envelope, asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail. +Yo mama is so stupid that she tried to drown a fish. +Yo mama is so stupid that if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change. +Yo mama is so stupid that she thought Mick Jagger was a breakfast sandwich! +Yo mama is so stupid that when she heard her neighbour was spanking the monkey, she called the humane society. +Yo mama is so stupid that when she took you to the airport and a sign said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. +Yo mama is so stupid that when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead. +Yo mama is so stupid that she asked you "What is the number for 911?" +Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks a quarterback is a refund! +Yo mama is so stupid that she bought a solar-powered flashlight! +Yo mama is so stupid that she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. +Yo mama is so stupid that she thought menopause was a button on the VCR. +Yo mama is so stupid that she picked up the phone and asked "What button do I push?" +Yo mama is so stupid that when she worked at McDonald's and someone ordered small fries, she said "Hey Boss, all the small one's are gone." +Yo mama is so stupid that she got hit by a parked car. +Yo mama is so stupid that when her husband lost his marbles she ran to the store and bought him new ones. +Yo mama is so stupid that when they said they were playing craps she went and got toilet paper. +Yo mama is so stupid that when I asked her if she wanted to play one on one, she said "Ok, but what's the teams?" +Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet! +Yo mama is so stupid that when the judge said "Order in the court," she said "I'll have a hamburger and a Coke." +Yo mama is so stupid that she wiped her ass before she took a shit. +Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks socialism means partying! +Yo mama is so stupid that when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F, and wrote sometimes Wednesday too." +Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks deadbeat is a type of music. +Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest. +Yo mama is so stupid that she put two M&M's in her ears and thought she was listening to Eminem. +Yo mama is so stupid that at bottom of application where it says Sign Here - she put Scorpio. +Yo mama is so stupid that she wouldn't know up from down if she had three guesses. +Yo mama is so stupid that she once attempted to commit suicide by jumping off a curb. +Yo mama is so stupid that she put on bug spray before going to the flea market. +Yo mama is so stupid that she stole free bread. +Yo mama is so stupid that she locked her keys inside a motorcycle. +Yo mama's so stupid that she got locked inside a motorcycle. +Yo mama's so stupid that she went to the dentist to get a bluetooth. +Yo mama's so stupid that she bought tickets to Xbox Live. +Yo mama's so stupid that whenever someone rings the doorbell, she checks the microwave. +Yo mama's so stupid that when she broke her VCR, she bought a video tape on how to fix your VCR. +Yo mama is so stupid that she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot. +Yo mama so dumb, she lost a spelling bee to Hodor +Yo Mama so dumb, she thought Bran Stark was a type of muffin. +Yo mama so fat, they've been calling her "the wall" for thousands of years! +Yo mama so fat, she Winter-fell and couldn't get up! +Yo mama so old, the old gods pray to HER! +Yo Mama So Fat, she can't fit through the moon door. +Yo Mama so Ugly, she got turned down for "Girls Gone Wilding" +Yo mama so ugly, winter turned around and left! +Yo mama so fat, even Roose Bolton won't touch her +Yo mama so bad at sex, the only kind of head she gives is severed. +Yo mama is so poor that she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags and when I asked her what she was doing she said, "Buying luggage." +Yo mama is so poor that when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers! +Yo mama is so poor that she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway. +Yo mama is so poor that she can't afford to pay attention! +Yo mama is so poor that when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, and she said "moving." +Yo mama is so poor that she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning. +Yo mama is so poor that I saw her running after a garbage truck with a shopping list. +Yo mama is so poor that the bank repossesed her cardboard box. +Yo mama is so poor Nigerian scammers wire HER money! +Yo mama is so poor she couldn't afford to apply for Medicare! +Yo mama is so poor that she has to wear her McDonald's uniform to church. +Yo mama is so poor that she's got more furniture on her porch than in her house. +Yo mama is so poor that I came over for dinner and she read me recipes. +Yo mama is so poor that she has to take the trash IN. +Yo mama is so poor that she had to get a second mortgage on her cardboard box. +Yo mama is so poor that she lives in a two story Dorrito bag with a dog named Chip. +Yo mama is so poor that I went through her front door and ended up in the back yard. +Yo mama is so poor that her front and back doors are on the same hinge. +Yo mama is so poor that I saw her wrestling a squirrel for a peanut. +Yo mama is so poor that the closest thing to a car she has is a low-rider shopping cart with a box on it. +Yo mama is so poor that she can't even put her two cents in this conversation. +Yo mama is so poor that when I saw her walking down the street with one shoe and said "Hey miss, lost a shoe?" she said "Nope, just found one!" +Yo mama is so poor that her face is on the front of a foodstamp. +Yo mama is so poor that I went to her house and tore down some cob webs, and she said "Who's tearing down the drapes?" +Yo mama is so poor that I stepped on her skateboard and she said "Hey, get off the car!" +Yo mama is so poor that I walked into her house, asked to use the bathroom, and she said "3rd bucket to your right." +Yo mama is so poor that when I walked inside her house and put out a cigarette, she said "who turned off the heater?" +Yo mama is so poor that your TV got 2 channels: ON and OFF. +Yo mama is so poor that she watches TV on an Etch-A-Sketch. +Yo mama is so poor that she can't even afford to go to the free clinic. +Yo mama is so poor that she washes paper plates. +Yo mama is so poor that her idea of a fortune cookie is a tortilla with a food stamp in it. +Yo mama is so poor that when yo family watches TV, they go to Sears. +Yo mama is so poor that burglars break in and leave money. +Yo mama is so poor that she married young just to get the rice! +Yo mama is so poor that when I went over to her house for dinner and grabbed a paper plate, she said "Don't use the good china!" +Yo mama is so poor that when I saw her rolling some trash cans around in an alley, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Remodeling." +Yo mama is so poor that I threw a rock at a trash can and she popped out and said "Who knocked?" +Yo mama is so poor that we were on a road trip and she stopped by a dumpster and got out. I said "what are you doing" and she said I'm "booking a hotel!" +Yo mama is so poor that I walked into her house and swatted a firefly and Yo Mama said, "Who turned off the lights?" +Yo mama is so poor that when I asked what was for dinner, she pulled her shoelaces off and said "Spagetti." +Yo mama is so poor that after I pissed in your yard, she thanked me for watering the lawn. +Yo mama is so poor that your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk. +Yo mama is so poor that when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!" +Yo mama is so poor that she got in an elevator and thought it was a mobile home. +Yo mama's so poor, that her doormat doesn't say "welcome", it says "welfare". +Yo mama is so poor that for halloween, her trick was the treat. +Yo mama is so poor that when she tells people her address, she says "it's in the second alley from main street, beside the yellow dumpster." +Yo mama is so poor that her idea of a timeshare is a few days camped out under a bridge. +Yo mama is so poor that when I saw her in the park digging up plants, she said she was "getting groceries". +Yo mama is so poor that when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush! +Yo mama's so fat that she expresses her weight in scientific notation. +Yo mama's so fat that scientists track her position by observing anomalies in Pluto's orbit. +Yo mama's so fat that a recursive function computing her weight causes a stack overflow. +Yo mama's so fat that the long double numeric variable type in C++ is insufficient to express her weight. +Yo mama's so fat that THX can't even surround her. +Yo mama's a convenient proof that the universe is still expanding exponentially. +Yo mamags so big that she has a gravitational pull equal to that of the sun. +Yo mama's so big that doctors use scuba divers as nanobots to clean her arteries. +The mass of yo mama at rest is approximately equal to that of a neutron star traveling at (1-(10^-1000))c. +Yo mama's so slow and dumb that she can be emulated on a 286. +Yo mama conforms to Planck's law - the greater the frequency with which she screws, the more energetic she gets. +Yo mama's like a converging lens - she's wider in the middle than she is on either end. +Yo mama's dumber than an augmented rat. +Yo mama's so fat that she and the great wall of China are used as reference points when astronauts look back at the Earth. +Yo mama's such a ho that even the noble gases are attracted to her. +Yo mama's so promiscuous that electrons have a positive charge when they're around her. +Yo mama's so stupid that her exchange particle is a "moron". +Yo mama's so fat that China uses her to block the internet. +Yo mama's so fat that NASA shot a rocket into her ass looking for water. +Yo mama's so dumb that she went to the dentist and asked for a bluetooth. +Yo mama's so fat that she doesn't just have a low center of gravity, she has an elliptical orbit. +Yo mama's so fat that IEEE is working on a wifi protocol so people can get the signals to reach users on opposite sides of her. It's called 802.11 Draft Fat Momma +If we were to code your mom in a C++ function she would look like this: double mom (double fat){ mom(fat);return mom;}; //your mom is recursively fat. +Yo mama's so old that she goes on carbon dates. +Yo mama's so fat, the cyberman DOWNgraded her. +Yo mama's so ugly that Dalek's don't actually say 'Exterminate' when they see her, because they figure somebody else already got there first! +Yo mama's such a drunk, that her sonic screwdriver is made of vodka and orange juice. +Yo mama's so ugly that when she looks into the Tardis, the Tardis doesn't look into her. +Yo mama's so ugly that when the Daleks Exterminate her, it's not for domination. +Yo mama's such a hoe that the nickname for her vagina (Bad Wolf) is scattered across time and space. +Yo mama's so fat, she's bigger than both the outside AND the inside of the Tardis +Yo mama's so ugly that when Captain Jack Harkness saw her, he actually died. +Yo mama's so fat, the Pirate Planet tried to take her over. +Yo mama's so lazy, she's a "part-time" lord +Yo Mama's so fat that when she got upgraded by the cybermen, they turned her into an ice cream truck +Yo mama's so stupid that when Cassandra says "Moisturize!", she begins to sweat. +Yo mama's so fat, the Doctor caught her eating his psychic paper, thinking it was a burger. +Yo mama's such a noisy hoe, her nickname is the sonic screwdriver! +Yo mama's so fat, it doesn't matter that the Tardis is bigger on the inside. She can't get through the door. +Yo mama is so skinny that she turned sideways and disappeared. +Yo mama is so skinny that she hula hoops with a Cheerio. +Yo mama is so skinny that she has to wear a belt with spandex. +Yo mama is so skinny that she swallowed a meatball and thought she was pregnant. +Yo mama is so skinny that she can see out a peephole with both eyes. +Yo mama is so skinny that she uses a Band-Aid as a maxi-pad. +Yo mama is so skinny that you can save her from drowning by tossing her a Fruit Loop. +Yo mama is so skinny that she has to run around in the shower to get wet. +Yo mama is so skinny that when she wore her yellow dress, she looked like an HB pencil. +Yo mama is so skinny that if she had a sesame seed on her head, she'd look like a push pin. +Yo mama is so skinny that her nipples touch. +Yo mama is so skinny that I could blind-fold her with dental floss. +Yo mama is so skinny that she looks like a mic stand. +Yo mama is so skinny that she only has one stripe on her pajamas. +Yo mama is so skinny that she can dodge rain drops. +Yo mama is so skinny that she inspires crack whores to diet. +Yo mama is so skinny that she uses Chapstick for deodorant. +Yo mama is so small that she goes paragliding on a Dorito. +Yo mama is so skinny that if she turned sideways and stuck out her tongue, she would look like a zipper. +Yo mama is so skinny that she goes hot tubbing with the Mini Wheats Man. +Yo mama is so skinny that when she takes a bath and lets the water out, her toes get caught in the drain. +Yo mama is so skinny that her bra fits better when she wears it backwards. +Yo mama is so skinny that she had to stand in the same place twice to cast a shadow. +Yo mama is so skinny that if she had a yeast infection she'd be a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. +Yo mama is so skinny that her pants only have one belt loop. +Yo mama is so skinny that if she had dreads I'd grab her by the ankles and use her to mop the floor. +Yo mama is so skinny that instead of calling her your parent, you call her transparent. +Yo mama is so tall that she tripped in Michigan and bumped her head in Florida. +Yo mama is so tall that she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon. +Yo mama is so tall that if she did a back-flip she'd kick Jesus in the mouth. +Yo mama's so tall, she can see her house from anywhere. +Yo mama's so tall, she uses two 100-foot ladders as crutches. +Yo mama's so tall, she has to take out the driver's seat of her car and sit in the back to operate the vehicle. +Yo mama's so tall, she makes Shaquille O'Neal look like Gary Coleman. +Yo mama's so tall, she did a push-up and burned her back on the sun. +Yo mama is so short that you can see her feet on her drivers license! +Yo mama is so short that she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime. +Yo mama is so short that she does backflips under the bed. +Yo mama is so short that she models for trophys. +Yo mama is so short that her homies are the Keebler Elfs. +Yo mama is so short that she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet. +Yo mama is so short that when she sneezes, she hits her head on the floor. +Yo mama is so short that she does pull-ups on a staple. +Yo mama is so short that she can do push-ups under the door. +Yo mama is so short that when I was dissin' her she tried to jump kick me in the ankle. +Yo mama is so short that she can limbo under the door. +Yo mama is so short that she uses a condom for a sleeping bag. +Yo mama is so short that she slam-dunks her bus fare. +Yo mama is so short that she has to look up to look down. +Yo mama is so short that she makes Gary Coleman look like Shaquille O'Neal. +Yo mama is so short, you can make a life size sculpture of her using one can of Play-Doh. +Yo mama's so short that when she sat on the curb her feet didn't touch the ground. +Yo mama is so short that she can play handball on the curb. +Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip that she braids it. +Yo mama is so hairy that Bigfoot wants to take HER picture! +Yo mama is so hairy that she looks like she has Buckwheat in a headlock. +Yo mama is so hairy that you almost died of rugburn at birth! +Yo mama is so hairy that they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower! +Yo mama is so hairy that if she could fly she'd look like a magic carpet. +Yo mama is so hairy that she looks like Bigfoot in a tank top. +Yo mama is so hairy that she has afros on her nipples. +Yo mama is so hairy that when I took her to a pet store they locked her in a cage. +Yo mama is so hairy that she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on. +Yo mama is so hairy that Jane Goodall follows her around. +Yo mama is so hairy that the only language she can speak is wookie. +Yo mama is so hairy that she shaves her legs with a weedwacker. +Yo mama is so hairy that if you shaved her legs, you could supply wigs for the entire Hair Club for Men. +Yo mama is so hairy that her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock. +Yo mama's so hairy that she's got sideburns on her tits. +Yo mama is so hairy that she got a trim and lost 20 pounds. +Yo mama is so hairy that people run up to her and say "Chewbacca, can I get your autograph?" +Yo mama is so hairy that she gets mistaken for Chewbacca's cousin. +Yo mama is so hairy that two birds made nests in her armpits and she doesn't even know about it! +Yo mama is so hairy that when she's at a nude beach people think she's wearing a fur coat! +Yo mama is so dirty that that she was banned from a sewage facility because of sanitation concerns. +Yo mama is so dirty that she makes mud look clean. +Yo mama is so dirty that that you can't tell where the dirt stops and she begins. +Yo mama is so dirty that she has to creep up on bathwater. +Yo mama is so dirty that she loses weight in the shower. +Yo mama is so dirty that even Swamp Thing told her to take a shower. +Yo mama is so dirty that the US Government uses her bath water as a chemical weapon. +Yo mama is so dirty that when she tried to take a bath, the water jumped out and said "I'll wait." +Yo mama is so nasty that she has more rappers in her than an iPod. +Yo mama is so nasty that she makes speed stick slow down. +Yo mama is so nasty that she brings crabs to the beach. +Yo mama is so nasty that that pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh. +Yo mama is so nasty that the fishery pays her to stay away. +Yo mama is so nasty that she only changes her drawers once every 10000 miles. +Yo mama is so nasty that a skunk smelled her ass and passed out. +Yo mama is so nasty that I chatted with her on MSN and she gave me a virus. +Yo mama is so nasty that her tits leak sour milk. +Yo mama is so nasty that she has to use Right Guard and Left Guard. +Yo mama is so nasty that she bit the dog and gave it rabies. +Yo mama is so nasty that she has a sign by her crotch that says: "Warning: May cause irritation, drowsiness, and a rash or breakouts." +Yo mama is so nasty that she's got more clap than an auditorium. +Yo mama is so nasty that she calls Janet "Miss Jackson." +Yo mama is so nasty that she has more crabs then Red Lobster. +Yo mama is so nasty that she made right guard turn left. +Yo mama is so nasty that I when I talked to her on the phone, she gave me an ear infection. +Yo mama is so nasty that next to her a skunk smells sweet. +Yo mama is so nasty that her shit is glad to escape. +Yo mama is so nasty that when you were being delivered, the doctor was wearing the oxygen mask. +Yo mama is so nasty that every time she opens her mouth she's talking shit. +Yo mama is so nasty that even dogs won't sniff her crotch. +Yo mama is so nasty that the only dis I want to give her is a disinfectant. +Yo mama is so nasty that her crabs use her tampon string as a bungee cord. +Yo mama is so greasy that she uses bacon as a band-aid! +Yo mama is so greasy that she sweats Crisco! +Yo mama is so greasy that Texaco buys Oil from her. +Yo mama is so greasy that she sweats butter and syrup and has a full time job at Denny's wiping pancakes across her forehead. +Yo mama is so greasy that her freckles slipped off. +Yo mama is so greasy that if Crisco had a football team, she'd be the mascot. +Yo mama is so greasy that she squeezes Crisco from her hair to bake cookies. +Yo mama is so greasy that she's labeled as an ingredient in Crisco. +Yo mama is so greasy that you could fry a chicken dinner for 12 on her forehead. +Yo mama is so greasy that I buttered my popcorn with her leg hairs. +Yo mama's house is so dirty that roaches ride around on dune buggies! +Yo mama's house is so dirty that she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside. +Yo mama's teeth are so rotten that when she smiles it looks like she has dice in her mouth. +Yo mama's teeth are so yellow that traffic slows down when she smiles! +Yo mama's teeth are so yellow that she spits butter! +Yo mama's so dirty, she fertilizes her lawn by rolling in it! +Yo mama's so dirty, when a seed gets stuck in her ass crack it beings to grow! +Yo mama's so dirty, she jumped in a river and created a mud slide! +Yo mama's so dirty, when the wind blows people yell "Sand Storm!!!" +Yo mama's so greasy, on hot days she cooks bacon strips on her ass cheeks! +Yo mama is so fat that she took geometry in high school just cause she heard there was gonna be some pi. +Yo mama is so fat that the ratio of the circumference to her diameter is four. +Yo mama is so fat that her derivative is strictly positive. +Yo mama is like a protractor - she's good at every angle. +Yo mama is so fat that in a love triangle, she'd be the hypotenuse. +Yo mama is so stupid that when I told her "pi-r-squared" and she replied no, they are round. +The limit of yo mama's ass goes to infinity. +Yo mama = x/0 for every x in yo mama. +The infinite series of yo mama from 0 to infinity is strictly diverging. +Yo mama is so mean that she has no standard deviation. +Yo mama is so ugly, that Pythagoras wouldn't touch her with a 3-4-5 triangle. +Yo mama is so square that she's got imaginary numbers on her social security card. +Yo mama is such a ho, that she asked all the math majors to to figure out g(f(your mom)) just so they could "f" her first. +The volume of yo mama is an improper integral. +The integral of yo mama is fat plus a constant, where the constant is equal to more fat. +Yo mama's muscle-to-fat ratio can only be explained in irrational complex numbers. +The only way to get from point A to point B is around yo mama's fat ass. +Yo mama's so smart, the hardest decision she's ever had to make was which college to accept a scholarship from - Harvard, Yale or Princeton! +Yo mama's so clean, she could bottle her bathwater and sell it at the grocery store alongside Evian, Dasani and FIJI. +Yo mama's so generous that she sponsors children in Africa, Asia AND South America! +Yo mama's so popular that Facebook crashed on her birthday, because too many people posted wishes on her wall. +Yo mama's such a good cook that her vegetable lasagna could be served as the featured item at a Michelin Star restaurant! +Yo momma's so healthy that medical textbooks use her x-rays to demonstrate what perfect bone structure should look like. +Yo mama's breath smells so fresh that Wrigley's could make a chewing gum flavour based on it. +Yo mama's so fit that she could run a marathon, teach a Zumba class AND climb Mount Everest without stopping to catch her breath once. +Yo mama's so fashionable that Gucci, Prada and Fendi call her on a daily basis to get insight into upcoming fashion trends. +Yo mama's aging with such grace and beauty that she could be featured on the cover of Elle magazine. +Yo mama's like a puppy... everybody wants to give her a hug. +Yo mama's so smart that an employee from Wikipedia calls her when they need to verify facts about 18th century political figures. \ No newline at end of file