8339 lines
377 KiB
Plaintext
8339 lines
377 KiB
Plaintext
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle?
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
|
|
|
|
A: By the taste.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What did Tarzan yell when he saw the elephants coming?
|
|
|
|
A: The elephants are coming!!!!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
|
|
|
|
A: There was a face off in the corner.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you sink a polish submarine.
|
|
|
|
A: Knock on the door!!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
|
|
|
|
A: The bucket.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
|
|
|
|
A: A damn good start.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a planeload of lawyers that goes down at sea with one
|
|
seat empty?
|
|
|
|
A: A Damn shame!!!!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you do if you come across an elephant?
|
|
|
|
A: Wipe it off!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you recycle a condom??
|
|
|
|
A: You turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why is shit tapered at the ends?
|
|
|
|
A: So your asshole doesn't slam shut!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's red and screams and goes around in circles?
|
|
|
|
A: A Baby nailed to the floor.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What is red and green and nailed to the floor?
|
|
|
|
A: The same baby, six months later!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Here in Kentucky, we're in the middle of deer hunting season, which
|
|
means that the woods are full of people armed with weapons with a higher
|
|
caliber than their IQ. Which brings to mind the story of the man who took
|
|
his wife deer hunting (apologies to those who may be offended by the sexism
|
|
- actually female deer hunters are no stupider than males). Anyway, they
|
|
decided to split up to improve their chances of finding a deer. The man
|
|
explained to his wife that the woods were full of dishonest hunters who
|
|
might try to claim her deer if she managed to kill one. In case this
|
|
happened, she should fire her rifle into the air three times, to summon
|
|
him for assistance. They went their separate ways, and soon he heard a
|
|
shot, followed by three quick shots. He followed the direction of the
|
|
sound, and found his wife holding a man at gunpoint. She said "It was
|
|
just like you told me, I killed this deer fair and square and this man
|
|
says its his." The husband pointed his rifle at the stranger, who placed
|
|
his hands in the air and said "She's welcome to keep it, I would just like
|
|
to get my saddle back."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q:Why did the pervert cross the road?
|
|
|
|
A: Because he was stuck to the chicken.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The other day this guy came up to me and asked if I wanted to buy his
|
|
old '57 Chevy convertible. I thought it was a pretty good looking car and
|
|
so I offered him 50 female pigs and 50 male deer.
|
|
|
|
The guy looked at me kind of crazy like and started to mutter under
|
|
his breath. I asked him what's the matter, don't you want a hundred sows
|
|
and bucks?
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Roses are red,
|
|
And ready for plucking,
|
|
She's fifteen,
|
|
And ready for ...
|
|
High school.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
This is a song sung to a girl...
|
|
|
|
I love you in blue,
|
|
I love you in red,
|
|
But most of all baby,
|
|
I love you in...
|
|
|
|
Blue.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
So this lady walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. A drunk
|
|
at the bar looks up and says, "That's the ugliest pig I ever saw!". The
|
|
lady says, "You stupid drunk. That's not a pig, that's a duck!". And the
|
|
drunk says, "I was talking to the duck."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?
|
|
|
|
A: Because if they dragged them by the feet they would fill up with rocks.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There were two morons that wanted to go hunting. They went out into the
|
|
woods and after a while decided to split up. One went one way and the other
|
|
went another way. As this joke would have it, one of the morons shot the
|
|
other moron by mistake. The moron that shot his friend was very upset and
|
|
so he took the friend to the hospital. When he saw the doctor, he asked how
|
|
his friend was doing and if he was going to live. The doctor replied, "He
|
|
would have been fine if you hadn't have gutted him first."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
This man walked into the bar and said to the bartender, "Let me tell
|
|
you this joke about dumb jocks." The bartender replied, "Listen, bud, I
|
|
don't think that would be a good idea. See those two guys over in the
|
|
corner booth? They used to play for the Dallas Cowboys. And those three
|
|
guys at the end of the bar used to wrestle professionally. Also, I used
|
|
to play professional hockey." The man then replied, "Forget it, I don't
|
|
have time to explain it to all six of you."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day, a guy comes into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want it to
|
|
grow". So the doc says, "Here, take three of these a day," and gives the guy
|
|
a bottle of pills.
|
|
|
|
An hour later, another guy comes in and he wants it to grow too. The doc
|
|
says, "Take 3 of these a day." "No, I'll take 6!" and the guy leaves.
|
|
|
|
Then a cowboy comes in: He wants the same. He's told to take 3 but says,
|
|
"Nah, I'll take 24!" and leaves.
|
|
|
|
The next day all three guys come into the office.
|
|
|
|
1st: "Doc, Doc, it's down to my ankles!"
|
|
|
|
2nd: "Doc, Doc, it's draggin' an inch behingd me!"
|
|
|
|
Cowboy: "Yeeee-Haaah!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the square root of 69?
|
|
|
|
A: 8 something.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
This old man rambles into a bar and shuffles up to the counter. He leans
|
|
over the counter and says to the bartender "I'll gouge my eye out for $25."
|
|
The bartender says, "I'm game," so the old man pops out a fake eye with a big
|
|
grim and takes the $25. Then he says, "For $50 I'll bite my other eye." The
|
|
bartender then says, "You must have at least one good eye, so I'm in." So the
|
|
old man pulls out his dentures and moves them in a biting motion over his
|
|
other eye and takes the money. The old man then says "For ..." The bartender
|
|
cuts in and says, "I'm not going to pay you to do anything else." So the old
|
|
man shuffles of to the back room. About thirty minutes later he comes back up
|
|
to the bartender and says, "I'm going to give you a chance to get your money
|
|
back. I'll bet you $100 That I can pee into a shot glass on one end of the bar
|
|
from the other end of the bar." The Bartender thinks this over and agrees to
|
|
it. So the bartender puts a shotglass at one end and the old man stands up on
|
|
the other end a pulls it out and starts peeing all over the bar, stools, and
|
|
even the bartender. The bartender jumps up for joy knowing that he has just
|
|
won his hundred when he notices the old man laughing. He asks the old man why
|
|
he is laughing and the old man says, "I just bet two men in the back $500 that
|
|
I could pee all over you and the bar and have you like it."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: If there were three Santa's on a roof, how could you tell which one was an
|
|
Aggie?
|
|
|
|
A: The one with the Easter basket!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
--->>> T H E R U L E S <<<---
|
|
|
|
1. The female ALWAYS makes the rules.
|
|
|
|
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notice.
|
|
|
|
3. No Male can possibly know all the rules.
|
|
|
|
4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she may immediately
|
|
change all or some of the rules.
|
|
|
|
5. The female is NEVER wrong.
|
|
|
|
6. If the female seems to be wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunder-
|
|
standing which was a direct result of something the male did or said
|
|
wrong.
|
|
|
|
7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the
|
|
misunderstanding.
|
|
|
|
8. The female can change her mind at any given time.
|
|
|
|
9. The male must NEVER change his mind without the prior written consent of
|
|
the female.
|
|
|
|
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
|
|
|
|
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be
|
|
angry or upset.
|
|
|
|
12. The female must NEVER, under any circumstances, let the male know whether
|
|
or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
|
|
|
|
13. Any attempt to document these rules by the male, could result in sever
|
|
bodily harm.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There was once a little boy ...
|
|
|
|
He was at home one day and he heard some moaning and groaning coming
|
|
from his mother's bedroom. He hastily peeked through the keyhole and saw his
|
|
mother lying on the bed, naked, rubbing herself and saying "I need a man,
|
|
God, I need a man!"
|
|
|
|
The boy saw this ritual several times, until one day he peeked through
|
|
the keyhole and saw a man on top of her. He immediately ran to his room,
|
|
took off all his clothes, and rubbed himself while saying: "I need a bike,
|
|
I need a bike!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you know when your girlfriend/wife/lover is too fat?
|
|
|
|
A: When she keeps her vibrator in the gun rack!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What did they do with the dead Texan that was too big to fit in a coffin?
|
|
|
|
A: Gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
(Tom Neukam)
|
|
|
|
This text ACTUALLY came out of an IBM service database.
|
|
Of course it's referring to the rubber ball inside a
|
|
computer mouse ...
|
|
|
|
Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
|
|
|
|
Text: Mouse Balls are now available as a FRU. If a mouse fails to
|
|
operate or should perform erratically, it may be in need of ball
|
|
replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,
|
|
replacement of mouse balls should be attempted by trained personnel
|
|
only.
|
|
|
|
Before ordering, determine type of mouse balls required by examining
|
|
the underside of each mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder
|
|
than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon
|
|
manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the
|
|
pop-off method and domestic balls replaced using the twist-off
|
|
method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive, however,
|
|
excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
|
|
|
|
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
|
|
immediately.
|
|
|
|
It is recommended that each servicer have a pair of balls for
|
|
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction and that any customer
|
|
missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these
|
|
necessary functional items.
|
|
|
|
P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
|
|
P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What does an Irish seven-course meal consists of?
|
|
|
|
A: A six pack and a potato.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What has 300 legs and seven teeth?
|
|
|
|
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What is the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
|
|
|
|
A: You meet so many new people.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why don't elephants pick their nose?
|
|
|
|
A: Cuz there's nowhere to hide a 6 foot booger!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A blind guy walks into a department store with his seeing-eye dog and, for
|
|
no apparent reason, grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging the poor
|
|
mutt around and around. A clerk rushes over to the man to see if he could
|
|
help. "Excuse me sir, can I assist you in some way?" And the blind man
|
|
replies, "No thanks, just looking!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
During a recess in the proceedings, three delegates to an international
|
|
agriculture convention sat down for cocktails, and before long, they began
|
|
to discuss methods for driving their wives wild.
|
|
|
|
The French delegate volunteered that he always picked a few roses from the
|
|
garden, spread the petals on his wife's body, then gently blew them off
|
|
before making love.
|
|
|
|
The Englishman declared that before making love to his wife, he would
|
|
massage her with hot oil.
|
|
|
|
The two Europeans then turned to the Texan and asked him his secret.
|
|
"Well," he said, "after the wife and I get it on, I hop outta bed and
|
|
wipe my dick on the curtains. That, gents, drives her wild!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
... And that kind of reminds me of one time that I was in a steak house in
|
|
Austin. Guy came in and sat at the table next to us and ordered a sirloin.
|
|
The waitress asked him how he wanted it and he answered, "Knock off its
|
|
horns, wipe its a** and walk it through the kitchen."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a sheep hauler going through Wyoming???
|
|
|
|
A: A pimp.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Three grade-school children learned how to swear from their friends at
|
|
school. Thinking highly of their accomplishment, they decided to try it
|
|
out at home, choosing the next morning's breakfast to show off their newly
|
|
acquired skill. As they sit down at the breakfast table, their mother
|
|
turns to the oldest child and asks what he wants for breakfast.
|
|
|
|
"Aw, hell, I think I'll have some damn cheerios," he replies, whereupon
|
|
mother whacks him a good one upside the head. Somewhat irritated, she
|
|
turns to the next child and asks him what he wants.
|
|
|
|
"Ah, hell, I'll have some of them f**king cheerios, too," is his answer,
|
|
whereupon he also gets whacked dizzy. In utter disgust, the mother turns
|
|
to the youngest child and repeats her question in a clearly angry tone of
|
|
voice.
|
|
|
|
The child replied "I sure as hell ain't going to have them f***ing
|
|
cheerios!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you have when you've got a mothball in your right hand, and a
|
|
mothball in your left hand?
|
|
|
|
A: A BIG moth!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: You have a small green ball in your left hand. You also have another one
|
|
in your right hand. What do you have?
|
|
|
|
A: Kermit's FULL attention.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: If you put two nuts on a wall, what do you have?
|
|
A: Walnuts.
|
|
|
|
Q: If you put two nuts on two peas, what do you have?
|
|
A: Peanuts.
|
|
|
|
Q: If you put two nuts on your chin, what do you have?
|
|
A: Chin nuts.
|
|
|
|
No ... You have a dick in your mouth!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Mary had a little lamb,
|
|
She kept in her backyard,
|
|
When she took her panties off,
|
|
His woolly dick got hard.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Chip and Dale were eating nuts one day and arguing over what kind of tree
|
|
they were sitting in. About that time Woody Woodpecker flies by and hears
|
|
the commotion. Says Woody, "I'll settle the argumant." "O.k.," said the
|
|
squirrels. So Woody finds himself a good perch and proceeds to peck away.
|
|
After quite awhile, too exhausted to continue, he finishes. Chip and Dale,
|
|
excited to find out who's right, ask him, "Well, what is it?" Says Woody,
|
|
"I don't know what you were arguing about - that was the best piece of ash
|
|
I ever stuck my pecker in."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day Dirty Ernie is playing with his train set. The little train came
|
|
around to the little station and stopped. So Ernie said, "All the people
|
|
getting off the train, get off the fucking train; all the people getting on,
|
|
get on the fucking train". So, the train goes around the little track and
|
|
back into the station. Ernie says again, "All the people getting off the
|
|
train, get off the fucking train; all the people getting on, get on the
|
|
fucking train." Well, Ernie's mother had heard enough! "Ernie, go to your
|
|
room. No dinner tonight!" After dinner, Ernie's mother went upstairs to
|
|
his room. "Well Ernie, I think you learned your lesson; you can go play
|
|
with your trains." Ernie plays, the train pulls up to the little station.
|
|
Says Ernie, "All the people getting on the train, get on the train; all
|
|
the people getting off the train, get off. Anyone who wants to know why
|
|
we are late tonight, ask the fucking bitch in the kitchen."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
|
|
|
|
A: An epileptic.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Who's the patron saint of Ethiopia?
|
|
|
|
A: Karen Carpenter.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did God make women?
|
|
|
|
A: Because sheep can't cook.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call an armless, legless, water skiier?
|
|
|
|
A: Skip.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Roses are red,
|
|
Pickles are green,
|
|
I like your legs,
|
|
And what's in between.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you do if a pitbull starts humping your leg?
|
|
|
|
A: Fake an Orgasam!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The night of Hugo, just when the eye of the storm was coming upon us, the
|
|
water was so high outside it started coming in the windows. When the eye
|
|
hit, I waded outside and, for safety, the neighbor's son and I ended up on
|
|
the top of thier house. As we sat there, we saw logs, parts of roofs and
|
|
houses and even mailboxes float by the house. All of a sudden a baseball
|
|
cap came floating down past the house, then stopped, and floated upstream,
|
|
then stopped and reversed directions a couple more times. Totally amazed I
|
|
said to the kid, "Wonder what that is?" To which he replied, "Oh, that's
|
|
the ole man. He said, 'Today, come Hell or High Water' he was gonna get
|
|
that damn lawn mowed!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you get when you cross a midget with a prostitute?
|
|
|
|
A: A little fucker about three feet high.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Where is an elephant's sex organ?
|
|
|
|
A: In his feet, 'cause if he steps on you, you're fucked.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: If whiskey makes you frisky and gin makes you sin, what gets a girl
|
|
pregnant?
|
|
|
|
A: Two high balls and a squirt.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A guy walks into a bar where he has heard that the bartender is keeping a
|
|
horse in back. Walking up to the bar, he asks what the bartender would
|
|
give him if he were able to go back to the horse and make it laugh. The
|
|
bartender offers 100 bucks. The guy says o.k., and walks back to the horse
|
|
and whispers in its ear. Suddenly the horse starts laughing in an uproar.
|
|
The man colects his money and leaves. A week later, the man shows up again
|
|
and asks the bartender what he'd pay if he could make the horse cry? This
|
|
time the bartender is thinking he's got a sure win and bets 1000 bucks.
|
|
Once agin the man walks back to the horse and a few minutes later, the
|
|
horse is crying! The bartender pays up, but asks "You got to tell me what
|
|
happened." The man says, "Well, the first time, I told your horse that my
|
|
cock was bigger than his. The second time, I showed him."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A priest wanted to raise money for the church. He was told that there was a
|
|
fortune in horse rasing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in
|
|
a race. However, at an auction, the going price for a horse was so steep
|
|
that he decided to buy a donkey and race it. To his surprise, the donkey
|
|
came in third. The next day the racing sheet carried the headline, "PRIEST'S
|
|
ASS SHOWS." The priest was pleased with the donkey and entered it in another
|
|
race. This time it won. The paper reported, "PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT." The
|
|
bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity, that he ordered the priest
|
|
not to enter the donkey in any more races. The paper read, "BISHOP SCRATCHES
|
|
PRIEST'S ASS." This was just too much for the bishop, so he ordered the
|
|
priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest gave the donkey to a nun at a
|
|
nearby convent and the headline read, "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN." The bishop
|
|
fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey.
|
|
She sold it to a farmer for $10 and the newspaper reported, "NUN PEDDLES ASS
|
|
FOR TEN BUCKS." They buried the bishop the next day.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two fags were standing on a corner - one with his finger up the other's ass.
|
|
A cop came up and asked the fag, "Why do you have your finger up that guy's
|
|
ass?" "I'm trying to make him throwup," lisped the fag. "But," said the cop,
|
|
"that's not going to make him throwup." Replied the fag, "It will when I
|
|
stick it in his mouth."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the husband who took his wife to the zoo? They walked
|
|
over to the gorilla cage, which contained a mean old 600 pound gorilla. The
|
|
man got ahold of the key to the cage, unlocked the door, threw his wife
|
|
inside and said, "Now go ahead and tell HIM you got a headache!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you know a polack is at a cock fight?
|
|
A: He brings the duck.
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you know an irishman is at a cock fight?
|
|
A: He bets on the duck.
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you know italians are at a cock fight?
|
|
A: The duck wins.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Well, here it is Sunday evening again and you've probably all read, reread,
|
|
and pretty well exhausted the info in your Church bulletin by now ... Real
|
|
exciting stuff, eh? Yeah, ours generally is too. But sometimes ...
|
|
|
|
"This afternoon there will be meetings in the south and
|
|
north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at
|
|
both ends."
|
|
|
|
"Tuesday at 4:00pm, there will be an Ice Cream Social. All
|
|
ladies giving milk please come early."
|
|
|
|
"Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs.
|
|
Johnson will sing, 'Put Me in My Little Bed,' accompanied
|
|
by the Pastor."
|
|
|
|
"Thursdays at 5:00 pm, there will be a meeting of the
|
|
Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers
|
|
will please meet with the minister in his study."
|
|
|
|
"This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Borwn to come
|
|
forward and lay an egg on the altar."
|
|
|
|
"The service will close with 'Little Drops of Water,' one
|
|
of the men will start quietly and the rest of the congre-
|
|
gation will join in."
|
|
|
|
"The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
|
|
kind and they can be seen in the church basement on Friday
|
|
afternoon."
|
|
|
|
"On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray
|
|
the expense on the new carpet. All wishing to do some-
|
|
thing on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece
|
|
of paper."
|
|
|
|
<These are all *actually* factual!>
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What does a Jewish wife make for supper?
|
|
|
|
A: Reservations!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Sammy Davis, Jr. passes through the Pearly Gate and runs into Rock Hudson.
|
|
"Rock," he says, "You can smoke'em or poke'em, but one way or another, them
|
|
butts are sure to kill you."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's
|
|
house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circum-
|
|
cision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream
|
|
and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet. "What's
|
|
this," she asked. "Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a
|
|
whole one!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What has 60 teeth and holds back a gigantic monster?
|
|
|
|
A: My zipper.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
When I got married I told my wife I wanted to set the world on fire. After
|
|
three years of being married to her I wanted to set myself on fire ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A priest, a minister and a rabbi all died at the same time and met at the
|
|
Pearly Gates. St. Peter stood before the locked gates and looked upon them
|
|
sternly. "I have been reviewing your lives," St. Peter began, "You've all
|
|
done a remarkable job leading exemplary lives. However, before I can allow
|
|
any of you to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, you each must answer one ques-
|
|
tion." Peter turned towards the priest, "Father, when does life begin?"
|
|
The priest proudly replied, "At the moment of conception!" Consulting his
|
|
answer sheet, St. Peter said, "You've answered according to your faith.
|
|
You may now enter the Kingdom of Heaven." As the priest disappeared through
|
|
the Pearly Gates, St. Peter turned to the minister. "When does life begin?"
|
|
The minister, without hesitation proclaimed, "When the head leaves the birth
|
|
canal!" Peter once again checked his list, saying, "You've answered accord-
|
|
ing to your faith. You may now enter the Kingdom of Heaven." As the minister
|
|
disappeared through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter turned to the rabbi. "So,
|
|
Rabbi, when does life begin?" The rabbi thought carefully, stroked his
|
|
beard, and replied, "When the dog dies and the kids leave home."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A polack, a german and an iraqi all volunteered for a scientific experiment
|
|
to determine ethnic variation in olfactory tolerance. The three were locked
|
|
into a well-heated pigpen with four pigs who had been fed a steady diet of
|
|
All-Bran and Ex-Lax. After thirty minutes, the german could take it no longer
|
|
and crawled, gasping for breath, from the pig-pen. Two hours later the
|
|
polack left the pig-pen, a curious shade of chartreuse, and collapsed. Ten
|
|
more minutes passed before the pigs ran out begging for mercy ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What is seven miles long and goes five miles per hour?
|
|
|
|
A: A mexican funeral with only one set of jumper cables.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
After many years of study, two orthodox rabbanical students graduated from
|
|
the seminary, and were told to get black suits and go into the world. One
|
|
said that his uncle Pincus, the tailor, would give them a great deal, so
|
|
they went to see him. After picking up their suits, the two new rabbis walked
|
|
down the street, arguing about the color of their suits. The first rabbi said
|
|
the suits were navy; the second said no they were black. That's when they saw
|
|
a nun waiting at a bus stop. They ran up behind the nuns to compare colors of
|
|
clothing. Lo and behold, their suits were navy! "How do you like that, Pincus
|
|
fucked us!" said one rabbi. The nun turned around, saying, "I didn't know you
|
|
could speak Latin!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Customer: How much is a haircut?
|
|
Barber: Eight dollars.
|
|
Customer: How much is a shave?
|
|
Barber: A buck.
|
|
Customer: In that case, shave my hair off ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two tourists, a Pole and Czechoslovakian, were visiting Yellowstone National
|
|
Park. Their first night, two huge bears wandered into their campsite and ate
|
|
the two hapless tourists. The park rangers set out immediately to find these
|
|
killer bears. Finally, they cornered two bears, a male and a female, which
|
|
they thought might have been responsible. "What do you think we ought to do
|
|
with them?" asked the first ranger. "Well," the second ranger replied, "I
|
|
figure we should cut the bears open. If we find the people inside, we know
|
|
we've got our killer bears." Whereupon, the first ranger began to cut the
|
|
female bear, and sure enough he found the remains of the Pole. "Any luck?"
|
|
he called out to his partner. "Yep," said the other. "The Czech is in the
|
|
male."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A jewish guy walked into a bar, sat down next to a chinese guy, had two
|
|
drinks, and punched the chinese guy in the nose. "What that for?" asked the
|
|
chinese guy. "That's for bombing Pearl Harbor," said the Jew. "You idiot,"
|
|
said the chinese guy, "JAPANESE bomb Pearl Harbor - NOT Chinese!" "Ah,"
|
|
said the jewish guy, "Chinese, japanese, it's all the same." So the chinese
|
|
guy finished his drink and punched the jewish guy in the nose. "What was
|
|
THAT for?" asked the jewish guy. "That for sinking Titanic," said the chinese
|
|
guy. "You moron," said the jewish guy, "the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!"
|
|
"Ah so," said the chinese guy, "Iceberg, Greenberg, it all same!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you say to a mexican in a three-piece suit?
|
|
|
|
A: Will the defendant please stand.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two canadians decide to go duck hunting so they get up early one morning,
|
|
and go off to the swamps with their red hats, duck calls, and their trusty
|
|
hunting dog. Even with all conditions favorable for a good day, by day's end
|
|
they headed home without a single duck! The first canadian said "Do you
|
|
think that maybe the duck calls didn't work?" The second replied, "No, the
|
|
duck calls were fine. I think we weren't throwing the dog high enough!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Three yuppers were out in the forest hunting. They hadn't had much luck and
|
|
were about ready to shoot anything. One yupper forced his way through some
|
|
bushes and said, "Hey! I found some deer tracks!" The second yupper nudged
|
|
him to the side and said, "You dummy, those aren't deer tracks, those are
|
|
bear tracks!" So, the third yupper shoved his way in, put his head down
|
|
real close to the tracks to see what they were, and was run over by a train.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The Scots pray on the Sabbath, and on their neighbors; the Irish don't know
|
|
what they believe in, but they're more than ready to die for it; and the
|
|
British all claim to be self-made men - which at least relieves God of the
|
|
responsibility!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
She was so ugly that I took her to the top of the Empire State building and
|
|
planes started to attack her.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two yuppers were hunting in the woods. It had been a long and unproductive
|
|
day. As the hunters walked into a sunny clearing, Sven spied a beautiful,
|
|
and well-endowed, coed sunbathing in the nude. She noticed the hunters,
|
|
winked, and waved them over. "Ole," Sven stammered, "I think she wants us
|
|
to screw her!" Ole replied "I'm game." So Sven shot him.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you get when you play a country song backwards?
|
|
|
|
A: You get your house back, your car back, your woman back, and you get
|
|
your whole damn life back.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A team of detectives arrived at the business executive's New York penthouse
|
|
apartment and were admitted by the butler. "Mr. James," one told the busi-
|
|
nessman, "we have some good news and some bad news about your missing wife."
|
|
"You'd better give me the bad news first," said Mr. James. "We found her
|
|
floating face down in the East River this afternoon with eight large lob-
|
|
sters clinging to her body." "Oh, poor Sandra," the man sighed, "What's
|
|
the good news?" "We're sending her back out in the morning."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
While taking a break from the assembly line, two auto workers were discuss-
|
|
ing the strange twists life sometimes takes. "Who woulda thought," one
|
|
mused, "that there would come a day when I would have more money than
|
|
Donald Trump, higher morals than Jimmy Swaggart, and more pussy than
|
|
Rock Hudson?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two newfies were off on their annual trip to the Canadian Rockies to bag a
|
|
moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said,
|
|
"I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please."
|
|
A week later, when he returned to the lake, the pilot found the hunters
|
|
proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you guys only one moose!" the
|
|
furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that
|
|
much weight!" "You're just a chicken," one hunter said. "We killed two
|
|
moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off," said the other
|
|
newfie. Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, the pilot reconsidered.
|
|
"Alright, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it." So they loaded
|
|
up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his take-off.
|
|
The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the
|
|
overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees.
|
|
Some time later, the newfies regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one
|
|
asked. His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the
|
|
edge of the lake, and replied, "Oh, I guess about a hundred yards further
|
|
than last year."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A New Jersey suburbonite had just motored through the Lincoln Tunnel into
|
|
Manhattan when a hooker approached him and said, "I'll do anything you want
|
|
- your wildest fantasies - for $100. But you have to tell me in three
|
|
words." The guy thought for a moment and replied, "Okay ... Paint my house."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly
|
|
illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had
|
|
been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess. The girl had had enough
|
|
of this particular character. "These are the breakfast lights, sir," she
|
|
answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and
|
|
you snored right through them."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
You were so ugly as a kid that your mother had to feed you with a
|
|
sling shot ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
You were so ugly when you were born, the doctor took one look at your
|
|
face, turned you over and said, "Look ... twins!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
You were so ugly as kid that on Halloween you're mother put peanut butter
|
|
around your lips and sent you out as an asshole ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Republicans understand the importance of the bondage between parent and
|
|
child."
|
|
|
|
(Dan Quayle, U.S. vice-president)
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Women are like floppy disks - Smart men always keep a back-up ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
I remember when I was so depressed I was going to jump out a highrise
|
|
window. I tell you I get no respect; when they sent a priest up to talk to
|
|
me he said, "On your mark. Get set ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
I tell you I get no respect - A hooker once told me she had a headache ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Do you think," asked the poll taker, "that the terms of Congressmen should
|
|
be limited?" "Hell no!" raged the taxpayer. "They should stay in jail as
|
|
long as everyone else!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"I'm not saying her fiance' is cheap," whispered the office gossip, "but
|
|
every time I get close to her engagement ring, I have an overwhelming desire
|
|
for some Cracker Jacks ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The next thing you know, instead of issuing stamps, they're just going slap
|
|
a little glue on the backs of dollar bills ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
You know you're in a small town when ...
|
|
|
|
... You dial a wrong number and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
|
|
... You are run off Main Street by a combine.
|
|
... You can't walk for exercise - every car that passes offers you a ride.
|
|
... You don't use your turn signal because everyone knows where you
|
|
are going.
|
|
... You get married and the local newspaper devotes a quarter page to the
|
|
story.
|
|
... You drive into a ditch five miles out of town and the word gets back
|
|
to town before you do.
|
|
... The biggest business in town sells farm machinery.
|
|
... You write a check on the wrong bank - and it covers you anyway.
|
|
... The pick-ups on Main Street outnumber the cars 3-to-1.
|
|
... You miss a Sunday at church and receive get-well cards.
|
|
... Someone asks you how you are, and actually wants to know.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A big, ugly, biker stormed into a bar in a bad mood one evening, obviously
|
|
looking for a fight. "Everybody on that side of the bar is an asshole!" he
|
|
shouted, "Anybody want to make something of it? Just stand up!" Nobody
|
|
stood up. "And everyone on this side of the bar is a fucking faggot!" A
|
|
lawyer stood up. "You wanna fight?" snarled the biker. "No", said the
|
|
lawyer, "it's just that I'm on the wrong side of the bar."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
JEFFREY DAHMER JOKES
|
|
|
|
Q: What other charges will be filed against Dahmer?
|
|
A: Selling arms to Iran.
|
|
|
|
Q: What were they playing on the radio when the police entered Dahmer's
|
|
apartment?
|
|
A: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face."
|
|
|
|
Q: What did Dahmer say to the police when they arrested him?
|
|
A: "Oh, come on, have a heart."
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did Dahmer put the head in the refrigerator?
|
|
A: To see if the light really turned off.
|
|
|
|
Q: What does the ad for Dahmer's apartment say?
|
|
A: Apartment for rent, roommate included, some assembly required.
|
|
|
|
Q: Did you hear that Dahmer got out on bail?
|
|
A: Yeah, he had to put up an arm and a leg.
|
|
|
|
Q: Did you hear that Dahmer sold his Chevette?
|
|
A: It just didn't have enough leg room.
|
|
|
|
Dahmer used body parts to brew his own beer. Trouble was, when you poured it
|
|
out, it had no head.
|
|
|
|
Milwaukee is so upset over the Dahmer killings, that the city council is
|
|
changing the name of the town to "Hack 'n Sack."
|
|
|
|
On Sale -- Limited Time Only -- just $19.95
|
|
Take the finest in Old-Wisconsin Style Foods
|
|
Among Jeff's favorite recipes:
|
|
Icebox Surprise Pie Head Cheese Terry Aki
|
|
Beans & Frank Shish-k-Bob Bobby's Bratwurst
|
|
"Screamin'" Sammy Sausage Leg 'o Sam Chuck Roast
|
|
Scrambled Legs Baked Alaskan Paul Pot Pie
|
|
Finger Sandwiches Head Lettuce Elbow Macaroni
|
|
Vince Meat Handburger Bob-b-que
|
|
Barry's Back Ribs Filet 'o Fred Big Mac
|
|
Bill's Boilin' in the bag Stew Manwiches Rice-o-Ronnie
|
|
Matzo Balls Peter Bread Sloppy Joe
|
|
Moo Goo Guy-in-a-Pan (old Chinese recipe)
|
|
|
|
Jeff's Favorite Bands -- Fine Young Cannibals, Talking Heads
|
|
Jeff's Favorite Movies -- "Eating Raoul" and "Diner"
|
|
Jeff's Favorite Drink -- Harvey Wallbanger
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day 3 baby boys were born in the hospital at the same time and the nurses
|
|
got them mixed up. They were Jewish, Polish and German. Everyone stood around
|
|
wondering how to sort them out, when the German father stepped forward,
|
|
clicked his heals, and shouted, "Achtung!" The german baby jumped up, threw
|
|
his hand in the air, and replied "Seig Heil!" The Jewish baby shit his
|
|
diapers and the Polish baby played in it.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There are three kinds of sex:
|
|
|
|
1. Kitchen sex - This is usually when you're first together. You'll do it
|
|
ANYWHERE.
|
|
2. Bedroom sex - As your relationship progresses this is the usual place for
|
|
sex.
|
|
3. Hallway sex - As your relationship has matured you walk down the hall and
|
|
say "Fuck you".
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
An attractive young secretary in her first week on the job got some friendly
|
|
advice about the office Romeo from the more matronly office workers. "Watch
|
|
out for 'Tiny' ... Stay away from 'Tiny'," they warned her. After a few weeks
|
|
on the job, two of the older secretaries cornered her in the copy room. "I
|
|
see you worked after hours with Tiny last night," one began. "Did Tiny make
|
|
any moves on you when you were alone?" the other asked. The pretty young
|
|
secretary didn't know quite what to say. She replied that she had a most
|
|
pleasant evening, and she didn't know why everyone kept calling him
|
|
'Tiny'. "Oh, I guess you didn't find out last night after all," one of
|
|
the older women laughed. "You see, he has a tatto on the side of his penis
|
|
that says 'Tiny'." "Then we must be talking about two different people,"
|
|
the young secretary rplied, "The man I was with has a tatoo that says
|
|
Ticonderoga, NY."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
|
|
|
|
A: They're worth it.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What is the Jewish stand on abortion?
|
|
|
|
A: If it's a good deal, it's ok.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
An Israeli tank hit an Egyptian tank. The Egyptian jumped out of his tank,
|
|
frantically waving a white flag. The Israeli jumped out of his tank shout-
|
|
ing, "Whiplash! Whiplash!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Do you know how the Israelis captured the Negev desert? The Egyptians had a
|
|
bunch of Russian advisors during the war. The Russians have always relied on
|
|
their time proven, reliable, strategy - retreat before the enemy, and wait
|
|
for the Russian winter to descend.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
I met a girl at a party the other night. One thing led to another and before
|
|
I knew it, I was having sex with her. I wondered what kind of birth control
|
|
she was using. It was foam. By the time I found out, I looked like a mad
|
|
dog.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Three elderly women, recently transplanted from the Northeast to a Florida
|
|
retirement community, were getting acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, their
|
|
conversation turned to children. "My son is the most successful doctor on
|
|
Park Avenue," announced Mrs. Cohen. Not to be outdone, Mrs. Goldsteinthe
|
|
remarked, "My son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street." Mrs. Smith
|
|
remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier game, Mrs. Cohen inquired,
|
|
"And you, dear, do you have a son?" "And is he a professional?" demanded
|
|
Mrs. Goldstein. "Well, not exactly," answered Mrs. Smith, "Actually, he's
|
|
a plumber. And not only that, he's gay." Beaming, one of the poor woman's
|
|
interrogators offered consolation: "Ah, he's not doing so well ..." This
|
|
time it was the Mrs. Smith smiled. "He's not doing too badly," she explained.
|
|
"He goes out with the most successful doctor on Park Avenue and the most
|
|
successful lawyer on Wall Street ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a man that has no arms, no legs and a twelve inch dick?
|
|
|
|
A: Partially handicapped.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A little girl went to the Judge and asked to be taken away from her
|
|
parents ...
|
|
|
|
Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Mommy?"
|
|
|
|
Little Girl: "No, my Mommy beats me."
|
|
|
|
Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Daddy?"
|
|
|
|
Little Girl: "No, my Daddy beats me too."
|
|
|
|
Judge: "Well little girl, who do you want to live with?"
|
|
|
|
Little Girl: "I want to live with the Cubs because they never beat
|
|
anyone!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did Helen Keller go crazy?
|
|
|
|
A: She tried to read a sheet of sandpaper.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A guy is lost at sea for days, and finally finds land, a native island. The
|
|
guy makes friends with the native chief, and in appreciation the chief gives
|
|
the guy his daughter for the night. So that night as they were going at it,
|
|
the girl starts saying "Agooma, agooma!" The man thought this meant, "This is
|
|
great! I love this!" So the next morning, the chief invited the man to a game
|
|
of golf. Just at the end, the man wanted to show his appreciation for the
|
|
game of golf, and also wanted to show off his new knowledge, so he said
|
|
"Agooma, agooma!" The chief replied "What do you mean 'wrong hole'?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What`s moist and pink and split right down the middle?
|
|
|
|
A: A grapefruit.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
POLITICAL SPEECH OF A LADY DELEGATE TO A NATIONAL POLITICAL CONVENTION
|
|
|
|
Dear Lady Delegates:
|
|
|
|
We must have what the men have. It may not be very long, But we mean
|
|
to have it. If we can't have it without friction, then we will have it with
|
|
friction. If we can't get it through organization, then we will get it
|
|
through combination or both, if necessary.
|
|
|
|
We refuse to be poked in the gallery any longer, and insist on being
|
|
layed on the floor in the house. We are willing to look up to the men, but
|
|
we don't always want to hold up our ends and show our possibilities when-
|
|
ever anything arises that will meet our expectations. Nothing that comes
|
|
will be too hard for us.
|
|
|
|
We women have always been interested in good movements and will take
|
|
any load given us. We are still willing to work under men that have been
|
|
over us in the past, even to the point of exhaustion if necessary. But,
|
|
we are beginning to become disgusted with failings and short comings.
|
|
|
|
Never when anything arose that required our presence and attention
|
|
have we failed to come again and again if the occasion required it. But,
|
|
all too often have our hopes and striving been met with feeble performances
|
|
which have left us disappointed and unsatisfied.
|
|
|
|
How often have our efforts to push our ends been met with the cry,
|
|
"Down with petticoats"? Now I say, "Up with the petticoats and down with
|
|
the pants!" As long as we women are split up the way we are the men will
|
|
always be on top.
|
|
|
|
Thank you friends.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Hi! I am a creature from outer space. I have transformed myself into
|
|
your computer keyboard. Right now I am having sex with your fingers. I know
|
|
you like it because you are smiling. Please allow someone else to use the
|
|
keyboard, because I'm really horny and wish to reproduce!
|
|
|
|
INS INS INS INS INS INS INS INS ...
|
|
|
|
Howdya like the way I jab that insert key baby? I'll bet your control is
|
|
ready to break.
|
|
|
|
ENTER
|
|
ENTER
|
|
ENTER
|
|
|
|
Heh, heh. Bet you let out an extended character or two when I rammed that
|
|
one home.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a woman driver and a woman golfer?
|
|
|
|
A: One hits everything and the other hits nothing.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
No matter how you slice it, it's still a golf ball.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Did you hear what the condemned golfer's last words to the hangman were?
|
|
|
|
A: "Mind if I have a few practice swings?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Can you count," asked the golfer to the caddy asking for a job. "Yes sir,"
|
|
said the boy. "Can you add," asks the golfer. "Yes sir," said the boy.
|
|
"Okay then, how much is 4 + 5 + 7 ?" "9 sir." "Excellent, you got the job!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The golfer had lost his ball and was a little annoyed with his caddy: "Why
|
|
the hell didn't you watch where it went?" "Well sir," said the boy, "it don't
|
|
usually go anywhere, so when you did hit the ball, it sort of caught me by
|
|
surprise."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Know what a rodeo fuck is?
|
|
|
|
A: You start to screw your wife doggie style, hold on to her shoulders, and
|
|
whisper in her ear that her sister is a better fuck than she is, and try
|
|
to hold on for 8 seconds.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A man suspects his wife of cheating on him, so he goes to the pet store
|
|
to shop for a parrot. He sees quite an assortment for sale for $500 to $1000,
|
|
but that's a bit more than he want to spend, so he's delighted to come across
|
|
one in the corner for sale for $29.95. "How come that one's so cheap," he
|
|
asks the clerk. "To tell you the truth, his dick is oversized and it embar-
|
|
rasses the customers." The husband buys the bird anyway, and installs it on
|
|
a perch right over the bed. The next day the first thing he does after coming
|
|
home form work is to rush upstairs ... "Well, what happened today?" he
|
|
demanded of the bird. "Well, the milkman came, and your wife told him to
|
|
come into the bedroom, and they took off their clothes and got into bed."
|
|
"So what happened next," screamed the husband. "I don't know," says the
|
|
parrot, "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A guy was telling his buddy that his wife could always tell when he had been
|
|
messing around just by looking at his eyes. His buddy said, "No wonder, you
|
|
have a pubic hair hanging from your eyelid!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was
|
|
having affairs with his patients? Yeah, it's a shame because he was one of
|
|
the top veterinarians in the country!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did Moses and the Jews wander in the desert for twenty-five years?
|
|
|
|
A: One of them dropped a quarter.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess and a Mexican
|
|
girl?
|
|
|
|
A: The Mexican girl's jewelry is fake and her orgasms are real ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Did you hear about the war between the Poles and the Germans?
|
|
|
|
A: The Poles threw dynamite - the Germans lit it and threw it back.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Whats black, charred, and hangs from a chandelier?
|
|
|
|
A: A Polish electrician.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What did Spock find in the Enterprise toilet?
|
|
|
|
A: The captain's log.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Jesus and Moses went out to play golf one day. Moses tees off on the first
|
|
hole, and hits a beautiful 250-yard drive right in the middle of the fairway.
|
|
Jesus steps up, and hits a worm-burner about 50 yards. Moses started to
|
|
laugh, but then a mouse picked up the ball and ran down the fairway. A hawk
|
|
swooped down from the sky, picked up the mouse, flew over the green, and
|
|
dropped the mouse. The mouse dropped the ball, and the ball rolled right in
|
|
the cup. Moses turned to Jesus and says, "Are you gonna play golf or just
|
|
screw around?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell
|
|
the truth?" The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied, "Some-
|
|
times a lawyer will do anything to win a case."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between having sex with a six year old and having
|
|
with a sixteen year old?
|
|
|
|
A: You have to kill the six year old afterwards.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why is AIDS a magical disease?
|
|
|
|
A: It turns fruits into vegetables.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about Bill and Joe, the twin brothers?
|
|
|
|
Bill was married and Joe was single. The single brother, Joe, was the proud
|
|
owner of a dilapidated old row boat. It so happened that Bill's wife died on
|
|
the same day that Joe's boat filled with water and sank. A few days later
|
|
a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and mistook him for his brother Bill.
|
|
She said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, I was sorry to hear of your great loss. You must
|
|
feel terrible."
|
|
|
|
Joe spoke up saying, "I'm not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing right
|
|
from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of old fish and the
|
|
first time I got into her she drank water faster than anything I ever saw.
|
|
She had a bad crack and a pretty bad hole in her front, and the hole kept
|
|
getting bigger every time I used her. It got so I could handle her all right,
|
|
but when anyone else used her, she leaked like everything. But what really
|
|
finished her was the four guys looking for a good time. They asked me if I
|
|
would rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't too hot, but they
|
|
could take a crack at her anyway. The result was the crazy fools tried to
|
|
get into her all at once and it was too much for her and she cracked up the
|
|
middle ..."
|
|
|
|
Before he could finish the old lady fainted.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
FROM: B.H.
|
|
|
|
SUBJECT: Chauvinist from Hell!
|
|
|
|
Well, I heard this joke from a rather drunk friend of mine. The clincher
|
|
is, he told it in front of his wife. Not a pretty sight...
|
|
|
|
God created the world. He was lonely, and so he created the
|
|
birds, the animals, and the fishes. He was still lonely, and
|
|
so he created two men. When he finished, he sat back and
|
|
sighed satisfactorily. A timid angel raised his hand and
|
|
said, "God, there is just one problem. You have created two
|
|
men. They cannot reproduce." God thought about the problem
|
|
for a moment, scratched his chin, and replied, "You're right.
|
|
Give the dumb one a cunt."
|
|
|
|
I just about fell over!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How much skin does it take to cover a pussy?
|
|
|
|
A: (Stick out tongue)
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a quarter on his head?
|
|
|
|
A: A quarter-pounder!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
|
|
|
|
A: A quarter-pounder with cheese.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A man and his wife had gotten into the habit of referring to making love as
|
|
"doing the laundry" so their kid's wouldn't know what was up. One day the
|
|
man came home from work and said to his wife, "Honey, let's do some laundry."
|
|
"Not now," she said, "I've had a hard day and I just wanna watch a little
|
|
t.v." "OK," he says, "I'm gonna go take a nap." Time passed and the missus
|
|
decided that a little whoopee might be just the thing so she joined her hubby
|
|
in the bedroom. "I've changed my mind, let's do some laundry " she said.
|
|
"Sorry," said the husband, "but I just had a small load, so I did it by
|
|
hand."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
|
|
|
|
A: Depends on how thin you slice them ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Elvis was murdered by donuts.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two dogs walking through the woods, both get caught in bear traps. One dog
|
|
says, "We need to chew off a leg to get loose." The other dog says no way.
|
|
First dog chews off his leg, goes in to town, gets patched up by the vet,
|
|
and comes back a few days later. The other dog is still in the trap. The
|
|
first dog says, ""You need to chew off your leg to get loose." The other
|
|
dog says, "I already chewed off three legs and I still ain't free."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A gigolo married an ugly, not too bright woman who happened to have loads of
|
|
money. One day the man went out to repair a hole in the roof of the stable.
|
|
"I need a ladder," he said to his wife. "Get the ladder, get the ladder," she
|
|
repeated dutifully as she trotted off. "I need a hammer and nails," he told
|
|
her a bit later. "Get the hammer, get the nails, get the hammer ..." she
|
|
repeated as she ran back to the toolshed. The guy soon got down to work and
|
|
was hammering away when he hit himself squarely on the thumb. "Fuck!" he
|
|
screamed. His wife bobbed away saying, "Get the bag, get the bag!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the worst thing about eating a hairless pussy?
|
|
|
|
A: Putting the diaper back on when you're finished.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why does Washington, D.C. have so many lawyers and New Jersey so many
|
|
toxic waste dumps?
|
|
|
|
A: New Jersey got to choose first ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Whats blue and comes in brownies?
|
|
|
|
A: Cub Scouts.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There were three dogs sitting at the pound and each had an interesting story
|
|
about why they were there and what they thought would happen to them.
|
|
|
|
Pit-Bull: The family next door had a nine month old baby and it was always
|
|
crying - crying so much it was driving its parents crazy, driving my owner
|
|
crazy, driving ME crazy - everyone! So, one day, they left the back door open
|
|
and I sneaked in and bit it's arm off. I heard later that it died on the way
|
|
to the hospital.
|
|
|
|
"So," asked the the doberman, "what do you think will happen to you?"
|
|
|
|
"I guess I'll get the gas chamber," replied the pit-bull.
|
|
|
|
Doberman: The damned postman always sprays me with mace. It makes my eyes
|
|
water like crazy, makes me sneeze and I can't sleep all afternoon. One day,
|
|
another postman came to the house, but he didn't know I existed, so I chewed
|
|
his leg off. Apparently he died the next day at the hospital.
|
|
|
|
"So," asked the great dane, "what do you think will happen to you?"
|
|
|
|
"I guess I'll get the gas chamber," replied the doberman.
|
|
|
|
Great Dane: My master is a gorgeous 25 year old woman. One day I was lonely
|
|
and was looking for her. But I couldn't find her. So, I went upstairs and I
|
|
found her kneeling on the floor, washing out the bath tub. She had no clothes
|
|
on and the sight made me lose control. I sneaked up behind her and ...
|
|
|
|
"So," interrupted the other two, "what do you think will happen to you?"
|
|
|
|
"I guess I'm here to get my nails cut," grinned the great dane ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the definition of a wife?
|
|
|
|
A: An attachment you screw on the bed to clean the house.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What good are tails on an animal?
|
|
|
|
A: Maybe they should be considered as neckties for their butts?
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Did you hear about the cement truck that crashed into the prison bus?
|
|
|
|
A: They ended up with a bunch of hardened criminals.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Did you hear about the boatload of red paint that crashed into a boat
|
|
carrying blue paint?
|
|
|
|
A: 13 passengers were marooned.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What looks like, smells like and tastes like banana's, but isn't banana's?
|
|
|
|
A: Monkey puke.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you tell a dutchman who has his finger in a dyke?
|
|
|
|
A: That he's wasting his time, there's no way he'll stop the flow.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There once was a man named Dave,
|
|
Who kept a dead whore in his cave,
|
|
She was dirty and gritty,
|
|
And missing one titty,
|
|
But think of the money he saved!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
This fellow's wife was very flat chested. He came home from work one day and
|
|
to his utter amazement, there was his wife with a pair of 44" breasts. He
|
|
said, "My gosh, Martha, what happened?" She said "Honey, I was making myself
|
|
look all pretty for you and I was looking in the mirror behind the door,
|
|
and I said to it, 'Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my tits size 44', and
|
|
BOOM, look at the size of these suckers!" The fellow was just overwhelmed.
|
|
He ran upstairs, jumped into the shower, combed his hair, stood there look-
|
|
ing at himself and his little thing hanging there. He said to the mirror,
|
|
"Mirror, mirror on the door, make my dick touch the floor," and BOOM! His
|
|
legs blew off.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There's a new sitcom directed especially at gays.
|
|
It's called: "Leave It, It's Beaver"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What does a young Indian do if he has no date to take to the war party?
|
|
|
|
A: Beat his tom-tom.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How many WASP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
|
|
|
A: Two - one to call an electrician while the other mixes martinis.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two old Jewish men were sitting on a park bench when an attractive woman
|
|
jogger trotted by. "Oyvey! Would I like to screw her," said the first old
|
|
man. The other looked too, and said, "Outta what?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There was a Pole who was stranded at sea. He saw a bottle floating and picked
|
|
it up. When he opened it, a Genie popped out, "I have been trapped in that
|
|
bottle for a thousand years! I will grant you three wishes for freeing me!"
|
|
The Pole considered it and requested, "I would like to have the Mongol hoards
|
|
come out of the East and sack, pillage and destroy Warsaw." The genie con-
|
|
sidered it, and clapped his hands. "It is done," he said. The Pole said, "My
|
|
second wish is to have the Mongol hoards come out of the East and sack,
|
|
pillage and destroy Warsaw." The Genie looked puzzled, but clapped his
|
|
hands. "It is done," he said. The Pole said, "My third wish is..." The
|
|
Genie cut him off, "...to have the Mongol hoards come out of the East and
|
|
sack, pillage and destroy Warsaw?" "Yes," agreed the pole. The Genie clapped
|
|
his hands, and said, "It is done. I am now free to leave, but I must know
|
|
before I go. Why did you want the Mongol hoards to come out of the East and
|
|
sack pillage and destroy Warsaw?" "Because," said the Pole, "In order for
|
|
the Mongol hoards to come out of the East three times and sack pillage and
|
|
destroy Warsaw, they'd have to cross Russia SIX times!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What drove Helen Keller insane?
|
|
|
|
A: She tried to read a stucco wall.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you save a drowning baby?
|
|
|
|
A: Take your foot off his head.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A lawyer, doctor and priest were on an airplane over the ocean. The plane
|
|
went down and the only survivors were those three. They started swimming
|
|
towards an island when sharks appeared. SNAP!!! The doctor was eaten.
|
|
SNAP!!! The priest was eaten. The lawyer made it to the island, and was
|
|
later picked up and returned to port. The press asked him why the sharks
|
|
ate the other two and not him. He replied, "Professional courtesy."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There once was a minister who found that he had grown away from his congrega-
|
|
tion. So, in an attempt to come closer to his parishioners, he decided to
|
|
visit each of them personally. At the home of one elderly widow he was
|
|
invited in, but asked to sit and wait while she finished preparing her
|
|
evening meal. As he sat, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the side table
|
|
and he ate a few. Time passed and he ate a few more. He went over some
|
|
sermons in his mind and ate a few more peanuts. Suddenly, to his suprise,
|
|
he ralized that he had eaten all of the peanuts. When the woman returned
|
|
from the kitchen he began to appologize by saying that he was extremely
|
|
sorry and quite embarrassed, but in his hunger he had eaten all of her
|
|
peanuts. She replied by saying, "Don't worry reverend, since I lost my
|
|
false teeth all I can do is suck off the chocolate, anyway ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What is the definition of 'gross'?
|
|
|
|
A: Eating a hot dog and finding out it has veins.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why does a dog lick its balls?
|
|
|
|
A: Because he knows that in a minute he's going to lick your face.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day the Pope became very sick. All the cardinals are very concerned since
|
|
he looked like he would not last long. They called in a number of doctors and
|
|
none of them could help. Finally, they called for the best doctor in Rome,
|
|
who told them, "There is only one hope for him, but you are not going to
|
|
like it." The cardinals said, "Anything, tell us and we will do it!" So the
|
|
Doctor explained, "The only way that he will live is if he has sex with a
|
|
woman." A gasp went up from the cardinals and then a murmuring. But they
|
|
agreed to tell the Pope. They explained the situation and the Pope (he was
|
|
Italian) said, "Wella, thera musta be three condiziones. Firsta, she musta
|
|
be blind so she canna see nothing." The cardinals nodded in agreement.
|
|
"Nexta," the Pope continued, "she musta be deff so she canna hear nothing."
|
|
They all agreed and said, "And what, Your Holiness, is the third condition?"
|
|
"The thirda condizione," said the Pope, "isa thata she musta have biga tits."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Three guys, an Italian, a Jew and a Polack, just died and were being judged
|
|
as to their worthiness of entering the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said that
|
|
they were all equally bad, so the ones that proved themselves in a test of
|
|
faith would get in. He told each of them he will lock them up in a room for
|
|
20 years. When he came back, whatever they'd done for him is what they get
|
|
judged by. So, he told the Italian, "I'm going to put you in this room with
|
|
one thing of your choice, what will that be?" The Italian guy tells him, "I
|
|
wanna me a woman". And so it is done. St. Peter then turned to the Jew and
|
|
asked him the same thing. The jewish guy wanted a telephone. And it was
|
|
done. Then St. Peter went to the Polack, who wanted a ciggarrette. And so
|
|
was done.
|
|
|
|
Twenty years passed, and St. Peter opens the Italian's room and there were
|
|
a dozen children running around and playing games and things. And he says,
|
|
"Looka, St. Pietro, I madea you a big family! Buona Sera!" St. Peter was
|
|
proud of this and smiled, and the pearly gates open for the Italian. Then
|
|
St. Peter went to the next door and there's the jewish guy with a load of
|
|
money all piled up. "Hey Pete, babe, I got ya all this cash, and this can
|
|
do some very good for the orphans down below. All the real estate and stock
|
|
marketing I've done, paid off. So do I get in or what, huh?" And St. Peter
|
|
said, "Well I guess I could fit you in, but I chose the Italian guy first.
|
|
You've done good, enter." And the Pearly Gates opened. Then St. Peter
|
|
moved down to the third room and the Polack was standing there with the
|
|
cigarrette and asked him "Can I have a light?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Little Mary went to sleep,
|
|
With one of little Mary's sheep,
|
|
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
|
|
Mary had a little lamb.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Chinese Population Explosion," by Wefuckem Yung
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and
|
|
promptly tossed cookies all over himself and the floor. The leper looked
|
|
hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings
|
|
and you could be a little sensitive about them." The bartender, wiping his
|
|
mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but
|
|
it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in
|
|
your neck."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The owner of a travelling circus was down on his luck and close to bank-
|
|
ruptcy, when he decided that the only way to increase attendance was to find
|
|
a great act that couldn't be topped. Since his lion tamer had quit, he put an
|
|
ad in the local paper for a replacement, requesting that all applicants come
|
|
to the circus the next day to audition.
|
|
|
|
The following day, two individuals showed up, a regular-looking guy, and a
|
|
knockout woman with a body that wouldn't quit. "Lady's first," declared the
|
|
owner, as he handed a whip, gun and chair to the beauty. He opened the cage
|
|
door. As a lion entered the cage from the other side, the woman, threw the
|
|
gun and whip aside, stripped off all of her clothes, sat on the chair with
|
|
her legs spread and looked the lion straight in the eye. The lion, being
|
|
most impressed with the sight before him, buried his head between the woman's
|
|
thighs and 'went wild.' After 15 minutes, the lion backed away from her and,
|
|
totally exhausted, rolled on his side and passed out.
|
|
|
|
While watching this, the circus owner knew he had the money maker that he
|
|
needed and was rubbing his hands together, thinking of all of the money he
|
|
was going to make with his new act. Turning to the man beside him, he asked,
|
|
"Well, do you think you can top that?" To which the man replied, "You bet
|
|
your ass I can! Just get that fucking lion out of the cage ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between an anorexic hooker and a counterfeit bill?
|
|
|
|
A: One's a phoney buck - the other is a bony fuck.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
|
|
A: Answering the iron.
|
|
|
|
Q: How did she burn the other side?
|
|
A: They called back.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Three friends were standing around bragging about how great their pets were.
|
|
They each claimed their dog was the smartest. The Doctor turned to his dog
|
|
and said, "Go, Rover." Rover proceeded to cross to an operating table and do
|
|
a serious operation in spactacular fashion, including all major surgery and
|
|
stitching the wound closed. Upon completion of the surgery, Rover crossed to
|
|
the doctor who gave him some cookies. "Not bad," said the engineer, who
|
|
turned to his dog and said, "Go, Spot!" Where upon Spot crossed over to a
|
|
drafting table and, in five minutes, proceeded to knock out complete con-
|
|
struction blue prints for a 150 story office complex. When he was finished,
|
|
Spot crossed to the engineer, who gave him some cookies. The doctor and the
|
|
engineer turned expectantly to the lawyer, who shrugged. The lawyer turned to
|
|
his dog and said, "Okay Fido, they're finished." Where upon Fido pissed on
|
|
the plans, screwed both Rover and Spot, and stole their cookies.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
During a picnic for upscale lawyers in Sausalito, Biff and Skippy had had an
|
|
ounce or two too much and decided to walk back into San Francisco. After
|
|
five minutes, each began to argue about whose dick was the longest. When
|
|
they reached the middle of the Golden Gate Bridge, they watched the water
|
|
flowing underneath and both were striken with a terrible urge to void their
|
|
bladders. "Ah," announced Biff as he stood at the rail, "That water is
|
|
COLD." "Yes," agreed Skippy, standing alongside him, "And it's deep too!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a Yankee and a Texan?
|
|
|
|
A: A Yankee will walk right up to a girl and stick it in, while a Texan will
|
|
stick it in and walk right up to her ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's black and white and red all over, and has trouble going through
|
|
revolving doors?
|
|
|
|
A: A nun with a spear through her throat.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There once was a young lady from Heath,
|
|
Who circumcised young men with her teeth,
|
|
She said with a grin,
|
|
"It's not for the skin,"
|
|
"But rather for the cheese underneath."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?
|
|
|
|
A: Beef strokin'off.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did they get rid of all the dogs at the White House?
|
|
|
|
A: They were chasing the Quayles and peeing on the Bushes.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A lawyer was helping a poor old widow settle her husband's estate. Upon com-
|
|
pletion of the job, he charged her $100.00. She opened her purse, and took
|
|
out one of the few remaining contents - a one hundred dollar bill. After he
|
|
left the attorney discovered that the bill had another $100.00 bill stuck to
|
|
it. Immediately, the lawyer was faced with an ethical dilemma - whether or
|
|
not to tell his partner.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you recondition an aging hooker?
|
|
|
|
A: Shove a ten-pound ham up her and pull out the bone.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The saintly old Bishop of Birmingham,
|
|
Fucked young boys while confirming'em.
|
|
With screeches and roars,
|
|
He'd rip down their drawers,
|
|
And whip his Episcopal worm in'em.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
An elderly woman walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhatten Bank
|
|
holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window
|
|
that she wished to take the $3,000,000 she had in the bag and open an
|
|
account with the bank. She said that first, however, she wished to meet
|
|
the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the large amount of money
|
|
involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and,
|
|
after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which
|
|
amounted to right around three million, telephoned the bank president's
|
|
secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman. The woman was escorted
|
|
upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made
|
|
and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did busi-
|
|
ness with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how
|
|
she came into such a large sum of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
|
|
"No," she replied. "Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired.
|
|
"No," she answered. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where
|
|
this elderly woman could have come into three million dollars. "I bet,"
|
|
she stated. "As in horses?" he asked. "No," she replied, "I bet people."
|
|
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things
|
|
with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that 10 o'clock
|
|
tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured she
|
|
must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know
|
|
how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful - he didn't
|
|
even have the traditional nooner with his secretary. He decided to stay home
|
|
that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up
|
|
in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was
|
|
okay. There was no change in his crotchal appearance. He looked the same as
|
|
he always had. He went to work and waited for the old lady to come in at
|
|
10 o'clock, humming as he went. He know this would be a lucky day - how often
|
|
did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman
|
|
was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked
|
|
what the other man was doing in the office, she informed him that he was her
|
|
lawyer and she took him along when there was this much money involved.
|
|
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this,"
|
|
he laughed, "but I'm the same as I've always been - only $25,000 richer."
|
|
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for
|
|
herself. The president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers.
|
|
She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough,
|
|
everything was fine. His balls were not square. The president then looked up
|
|
and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the
|
|
wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh, him," she answered, "I bet
|
|
him $100,000 that by 11 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase
|
|
Manhattan Bank by the balls."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the
|
|
doctor's office for the results. "Well," said the doctor, "I have good news
|
|
and bad news for you." "The way I feel, please give me the good news first,"
|
|
replied the bachelor. "The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your
|
|
penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam." "Great!"
|
|
the man shouted, "What is the bad news?" "It's malignant," replied the
|
|
doctor.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you know that if every single man, woman and child in China - all one
|
|
billion of them - were to hold hands together around the equator more than
|
|
half of them would drown?
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two lesbians were walking through a park when they saw a naked man lying in
|
|
the grass. He was sporting a tremendous woodie. The first lesbian looked at
|
|
the second and said, "Hey, look, if we find another one of these we can play
|
|
horseshoes!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
NON-CURSE CURSE'S
|
|
|
|
May you have the nicest neighbors in all Sibera.
|
|
|
|
May your name be so famous that every bailiff, tax colector, cop and secret
|
|
agent know it.
|
|
|
|
May you grow so healthy, husky and fat, that it takes twenty years for the
|
|
worms to pick you clean.
|
|
|
|
May you fall in the outhouse just as a platoon of marines finishes a prune
|
|
stew and twelve barrels of beer.
|
|
|
|
May your possesions never tempt another to steal.
|
|
|
|
If it is holy to be poor, may you be a saint among saints.
|
|
|
|
Since poverty is no disgrace, may you never know shame.
|
|
|
|
May you learn the secret of life in every dream, then forget it each time
|
|
you awaken.
|
|
|
|
May you be invited to a banquet by the President and belch in his face.
|
|
|
|
May you sleep on a bed of 8,000 rusty nails while bedbugs eat you alive, so
|
|
that you toss and turn all night.
|
|
|
|
May your blood grow so healthy, your leecehs' leeches need leeches.
|
|
|
|
May you be bled dry by leeches, but enough blood should be left over for
|
|
the bedbugs, lice, and mosquitoes to have a good meal too.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do computers like humans?
|
|
|
|
A: Because a human turns them on.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There was a young man from Rangoon,
|
|
Who's farts could be heard on the moon,
|
|
When you least would expect them,
|
|
They'd roar from his rectum,
|
|
With a sound like a double bassoon!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
On a trip to San Francisco, I dropped my wallet. Instead of picking it up,
|
|
I kicked it back across the bridge ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Ernest, recently married, came home from work one day and discovered his
|
|
supposed friend, Frank, in bed with Ernest's wife. "What are you doing?"
|
|
yelled Ernest. "Listening to the radio," said Frank. "But I don't hear any
|
|
music," said Ernest. Frank's answer was prompt, "That's because you're not
|
|
plugged in like I am!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What color is a bee?
|
|
A: Yellow.
|
|
|
|
Q: How many wings does a bird have?
|
|
A: Two.
|
|
|
|
Q: How many teeth does a cat have?
|
|
A: I don't know.
|
|
|
|
That's you're problem: You know alot about the birds and the bees, but
|
|
you don't know anything about pussy ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A mouse walkede into a pub, approached the bar, and sat on a stool. Looking
|
|
down the bar he spotted a beautiful giraffe. "Hey bartender," the mouse said,
|
|
"Send that cute giraffe at the end of the bar a drink on me". The bartender
|
|
replied, "Listen buddy, every eligible man in the bar has tried to hit on
|
|
that giraffe all night long. She just isn't interested. Save your money."
|
|
But the mouse insisted, "Look pal, I know what I'm doing - just send the
|
|
lady a drink." Not wanting to start a fight, the bartender did as he was
|
|
told and, to his amazement, he noticed the mouse make eye contact with the
|
|
giraffe. The mouse moved down the bar and at on a stool next to the giraffe.
|
|
They began to talk, and pretty soon they left the bar together. The next day,
|
|
in walked the mouse, his clothes are a mess, his tail broken - he looked
|
|
just awful. The bartender exclaimed, "Jesus Christ mouse! What the hell
|
|
happened to you? You look like a drowned rat!" The mouse mumbled, "Well I'll
|
|
tell ya' pal, between smoochin' and fuckin' I must have run a thousand miles
|
|
last night ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A homosexual walked into a bar and said to the bartender,in a rather feminine
|
|
voice, "Where is everyone?" The bartender turns to the gay with a scowl and
|
|
said, "Out back hanging a fag." Suddenly, in a very deep masculine voice,
|
|
the gay replied, "No shit!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
While driving through a small town in Old Mexico, an American tourist blew
|
|
out a tire. It was during the siesta, so when he arrived at the gas station
|
|
a sign hanging in the door announced that the station was "Closed, come back
|
|
soon!" The tourist looked behind the station and saw a Mexican sleeping in
|
|
the shade of his burro. The sleeping Mexican being the only sign of life in
|
|
the small town, the tourist walked over to him. "Pardon me!" said the tourist
|
|
in typically tactful tourist fashion. Without even lifting his hat the little
|
|
Mexican said, "It's siesta time senor." "What time is this siesta over?"
|
|
demanded the tourist. The Mexican said, "At two o'clock, senor." Starting to
|
|
turn red, the tourist stammered, "And would you know what time it is NOW?"
|
|
So the Mexican lifted his hat, looked at the Burro, puts his hand under it's
|
|
balls, lifted slightly, and said, "Itz 1:30 senor." "You tell the time of day
|
|
by holding that ass's balls in your hand?" the amazed tourist replied.
|
|
"No senor - the balls was in the way of the clock on the station's wall ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if ...
|
|
|
|
... The primary color of your car is bondo.
|
|
... In your wedding picture you have a toothpick in your mouth.
|
|
... Your mama dont remove the marlboro from her lips before
|
|
telling the state trooper to kiss her ass!
|
|
... Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the
|
|
wheels off.
|
|
... You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre.
|
|
... You consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
|
|
... Less than half the cars you own run.
|
|
... Directions to you house include "turn off the paved road".
|
|
... You honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive
|
|
tounge gestures.
|
|
... Your family tree does not fork.
|
|
... Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
|
|
... You've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba" during a piano recital.
|
|
... Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high-school
|
|
sports event.
|
|
... You've ever BBQ'd Spam on the grill.
|
|
... The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
|
|
... Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
|
|
... You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey & the
|
|
... Bandit was snubbed for best picture.
|
|
... The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
|
|
... You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
|
|
... You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
|
|
... Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
|
|
... You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
|
|
... Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an
|
|
opening on the lube rack.
|
|
... You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
|
|
... You think Campho-phenique is a miricle drug.
|
|
... You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
|
|
... You think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
|
|
... You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
|
|
... You've ever been too drunk to fish.
|
|
... You have a rag for a gas cap.
|
|
... Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the smelliest thing in the world?
|
|
|
|
A: An anchovy's pussy.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What are the two words you don't want to hear when you're standing at a
|
|
public urinal?
|
|
|
|
A: "Nice dick."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
|
|
|
|
A: Your wife will blow your bonus.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the most crooked thing in the world?
|
|
|
|
A: A fart - it's pointed at your feet, but hits you in the nose.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Mr. Bus Driver began his route in the usual way one morning, although the
|
|
turnout was quite unique, here is his story: His bus was named the 'Sesame
|
|
Street Bus' - possibly after the street he lived on or from another source
|
|
somewhere in his youth. His first passengers for the day were two passen-
|
|
gers named Patty and Patty; yes, they were twins, and they were quite heavy.
|
|
The next stop was Mr. Bus Driver's favorite as Ross got on and said hello.
|
|
Though Ross was slow, he was a nice enough fellow. A new fellow who the
|
|
driver hadn't met before was introduced at the third stop (for the driver
|
|
as Lester Chin. Lester had a slight foot problem and after he got on the
|
|
bus, he proceded to remove his shoes and pick at the corns on his feet -
|
|
which the bus driver ignored, possibly because he was pretty disgusted.
|
|
It was near the end of the route, and the passengers were getting ready
|
|
to disembark, when Mr. Bus Driver pulled up alongside a fellow busdriver.
|
|
"What have you got today?" the other bus driver asked. Mr. Bus Driver
|
|
answered, "Two obese Pattys, special Ross, and Lester Chin picking bunyons
|
|
on the Sesame Street bus ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"HEL-L-LP!" the scream came from the bedroom. The man of the house ran to
|
|
see what was the matter. Just as he entered his bedroom, he saw a guy leap-
|
|
ing leaping out the window. His wife cried, "That guy just fucked me twice!"
|
|
"Twice?" the husband wondered, "Why didn't you call me in after he fucked
|
|
you the first time?" "Because," she replied "I thought it was you until he
|
|
started for the second time ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The newfie went to the zoo to feed the monkies. He threw a monkey a peanut.
|
|
The monkey picked up the peanut, stuck it in his ass, pulled it out, and
|
|
ate it. The newfie thought this was rather unusual, so he threw the monkey
|
|
another peanut. The monkey again picked up the peanut, stuck it in ass,
|
|
pulled it out, and ate it. The newfie laughed as told the zookeeper, "Ooh-
|
|
boy, that's one stupid monkey!" The zookeeper watched the monkey's routine
|
|
and replied, "No, that's a very smart monkey. Last week someone threw him a
|
|
big peach and he ate it whole. He couldn't pass the pit, so now he measures
|
|
everything first!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Tarzan was swinging through the jungle. He swooped down into a clearing and
|
|
where a beautiful girl was standing. "Me Tarzan! Who you?" he grunted.
|
|
"Jane," the beautiful girl cooed. "What whole name?" Tarzan demanded.
|
|
Embarasssed, she replied, "Cunt."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father, Dirty Ernie senior,
|
|
met for lunch. "Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating
|
|
you?" "Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior, "It seems I married a nun."
|
|
"A nun?" his father questioned. "That's right," moaned Ernie junior, "None
|
|
in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!" Dirty Ernie
|
|
senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times.
|
|
"Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"
|
|
Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!" "Fine," replied Ernie
|
|
senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra
|
|
plates."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Stopping at the first house on his famous ride, Paul Revere cried, "Is your
|
|
husband home?" "Yes!" replied the woman. "Then tell him to get dressed so he
|
|
can fight the British!" At the second, third and fourth houses he asked the
|
|
same question, and got the same answer, and left the same instructions. At
|
|
the fifth house he shouted, "Is your husband home?" "No!" came the reply,
|
|
"He'll be gone all week." "Whoa-a-a!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the aggie that was fired from the M&M factory? He kept
|
|
throwing out the W's ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A little girl comes walking out of the bathroom and saw her mother making
|
|
a cake. She said, "Mommy, can I lick the bowl?" Her mother replied, "Can't
|
|
you just flush it like everyone else?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why are women like landfills?
|
|
|
|
A: Because it's a great place for a guy to dump his load.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a whale and an Italian grandmother?
|
|
|
|
A: Ten pounds and a black dress.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why should you stick a baby in a blender feet first?
|
|
|
|
A: So you can see the expression on its face.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What is the definition of gross?
|
|
|
|
A: Two siamese twins connected by the mouth and one throwing up.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A teacher was testing her class's ability to taste by giving them life-
|
|
savers. First, she gave them all red ones and their hands went up, "Cherry!"
|
|
"Very good," said the teacher. Next she gave them a white one and they
|
|
thought about it and finally one kid said, "Peppermint?" "Excellent," said
|
|
the teacher. Finally she gave them honey-flavored brown ones. They tasted
|
|
the lifesaver, but could not name the flavor. "I'll give you a clue, it's
|
|
something that your mommy calls your daddy." Suddenly Dirty Ernie shouted,
|
|
"Quick, spit them out! They're assholes!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The night was dark,
|
|
The sky was blue,
|
|
Down the alley the turd wagon flew!
|
|
A bump was hit, a scream was heard,
|
|
A man was killed by a flying turd!
|
|
Upon his tomb was plainly writ:
|
|
This Man Was Killed by Flying Shit!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend is having an orgasm?
|
|
|
|
A: Real men don't care.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why is being in the service like getting a blow job?
|
|
|
|
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing panty hose?
|
|
|
|
A: Her ankles swell up when she farts.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Whats the function of a woman?
|
|
|
|
A: Life-support system for a pussy.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Hole in the Mattress," by Mr. Completely.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband
|
|
never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her
|
|
to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.' The woman, somewhat
|
|
disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made
|
|
out ... The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they
|
|
really got it on ... The next day, she said 'what the hell,' and put the
|
|
entire bottle in ... A few days later, the doctor called to check on her
|
|
progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she
|
|
was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts,
|
|
and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day, a teacher was testing the students' intelligence. "Okay class, I
|
|
have something behind my back which is rectangular, small and black. What
|
|
is it," she asked. "A chalkboard eraser," the class responded. "Yes, very
|
|
good. That shows you're thinking. Now, I've got something else behind my back
|
|
which is larger than the eraser, rectangular, and made of paper." "A book,"
|
|
said one small boy. "Very good Johnny, that shows you're thinking." Then
|
|
Dirty Ernie jumped to his feet, stuck his hand in his pocket and said, "I've
|
|
got something in my hand which is long, stiff, and has a bright pink tip!"
|
|
"Ernie! You dirty little boy," shrieked the teacher. Said Ernie: "Naw,
|
|
it's just my pencil, but it shows you're thinking!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's red, hot, juicy, stinks and has hair on it?
|
|
|
|
A: A dead skunk on a hot highway.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's grosser than nailing a dead baby to a tree?
|
|
|
|
A: Pulling it off.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's pink and red and hangs from the phone line?
|
|
|
|
A: A baby that was hit by a snowblower.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's grosser than running over a baby with a semi?
|
|
|
|
A: Picking it out of the grooves on the tires.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day a little boy was peeking at his sister through the window while she
|
|
peed. He noticed she farted as she peed. That evening he asked his dad, "Why
|
|
does sis fart when she pees?" To which his dad replied, "Well, ya see women
|
|
aren't like us, they can't shake theirs off, so they have to blow dry them-
|
|
selves."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you know when your sister is on her period?
|
|
|
|
A: Your father's dick tastes funny.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
|
|
|
|
A: You don't bother calling him, he won't come any way.
|
|
|
|
But, when I was a kid, we had a dog with no legs. His name was 'Cigarette.'
|
|
Every afternoon we took him out for a drag ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the definition of confusion?
|
|
|
|
A: 200 blind lesbians at a fish market.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A proper business man met a beautiful chorus girl, who agreed to spend the
|
|
night with him for a fee of $500. When he was ready to leave, he told her he
|
|
did not have the cash with him, but he would have his secretary mail her a
|
|
check calling it, "Rent for Apartment." On his way to the office he decided
|
|
that the whole thing was not worth the price he had agreed to pay, so he
|
|
decided to send her a check for $250.00 for rent of her apartment, along
|
|
with a note:
|
|
|
|
I was under the impression that:
|
|
1. It had never been occupied
|
|
2. There would be plenty of heat
|
|
3. It was a small apartment
|
|
|
|
Last night I found it had been occupied
|
|
and there was not any heat; also, it was
|
|
entirely too large.
|
|
|
|
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250
|
|
with the following note:
|
|
|
|
Dear Sir:
|
|
1. I can not understand how you expected
|
|
such a beautiful apartment to remain
|
|
unoccupied.
|
|
2. As for the heat, there is plenty of it -
|
|
if only you knew how to turn it on.
|
|
3. As for the size of it, it was not my
|
|
fault you didn't have enough furniture
|
|
to fill my apartment.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A preacher stopped at the butcher shop one afternoon to get some meat for
|
|
the evening meal. He said to the butcher, "May I have a pound of ham,
|
|
please." The butcher said, "OK, Reverend, a pound of Dam Ham." The preacher
|
|
became upset and questioned the butcher as to why a church going man would
|
|
speak to a man of the cloth like that. The butcher said, "I'm sorry Reverend,
|
|
you misunderstood. That is the name of the product, 'Dam Ham.'" With that,
|
|
appologies were made and off the preacher went.
|
|
|
|
When he got home, the preacher said, "I'm home dear - and I brought the Dam
|
|
Ham." She looked at him like he had gone crazy, but he explained that was
|
|
the name of the ham.
|
|
|
|
At dinner that evening, the family gathered at the table and heads were
|
|
bowed for the blessing. Upon the word 'Amen,' all looked up and the preacher
|
|
said, "Well dear, how about passing me some of that Dam Ham." With that,
|
|
Junior, who had not eaten all day, said, "And how about passing some of them
|
|
fucking potatoes?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How many Teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
|
|
|
A Fifteen; you got a problem with that?
|
|
|
|
Q: When will I have light?
|
|
|
|
A: When we're damn good and ready!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
|
|
|
A: None of your fucking business.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A girl went to her doctor and asked, "Doctor, is it possible to get pregnant
|
|
through anal intercourse?" The doctor replied, "Yes, my dear, where do you
|
|
think lawyers come from?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about Hellen Keller? She fell down a well and broke three fin-
|
|
gers yelling for help.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The three biggest lies Mexican men tell:
|
|
|
|
Yo mando aqui! = I'm the boss in this house.
|
|
Horita bengo. = I'll be right back.
|
|
Nomas la cabesita. = Just the head.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a feather up his ass?
|
|
|
|
A: A dart.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A guy opened up a new bar, but he couldn't think of a name for it, so one
|
|
of his friends suggested that he name the bar after the first lady to walk
|
|
in. "Good idea," replied the proud owner. Later that day a young lady, wear-
|
|
ing a small, tight mini-skirt that revealed velvety, tanned legs, walked
|
|
in and applied for a job as a cocktail waitress. The owner said she had a
|
|
job if she would let him name the bar after her. And so it was that the bar
|
|
became known as 'Judith's Legs.' A few weeks later two bums were loitering
|
|
outside the bar. A cop came by and asked the bums what they were doing.
|
|
One of the bums relied, "I'm waiting for 'Judith's Legs' to open so I can
|
|
get a drink ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's worse than a guitar string breaking in the middle of a tune?
|
|
|
|
A: Having an organ go flat on you in the middle of a piece.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day, a man from Tennessee was pulled over for speeding. While the
|
|
officer was writing a citation, he noticed the makings of a moonshine still
|
|
in the back seat. As he slapped the cuffs on the driver, the cop recited,
|
|
"You're under arrest for a Section 1301 - Posession of Moonshine Equipment."
|
|
"Wail hail," drawled the driver, "ya'll might as well arrest me foh rape -
|
|
Ah got all thuh right equipment foh thut too!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Kid: "Mommy, mommy, I don't want hamburgers!"
|
|
|
|
Mommy: "Shut up and put your hand back in the meat grinder!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
During Jesus' crucifixion, a mob of angry people gathered at the base of the
|
|
hill that his cross sat on top of. The guards kept all of them back, includ-
|
|
ing his disciples. Jesus raised his head up and called "John! John! come to
|
|
me!" John fought his way bravely through the angry mob and almost reached
|
|
the top of the hill when the guards caught him and hurled him back down. As
|
|
John lay on the earth, Jesus again called out to him, "John! Come to me!"
|
|
John bravely fought his way into the mob, up the hill and past the guards -
|
|
almost reaching the base of the cross. The guards again caught him and hurled
|
|
him back into the mob. "John! Come to me John! Come to me," Jesus cried. This
|
|
time nothing would stop him; John pushed his way through the crowd, fought
|
|
off the guards, and reached the cross that his Master was on. Then he
|
|
kneeled, "It is I Lord, John, what is it you wish?" Jesus looked at him
|
|
and smiled, "Look John, Look! I can see your house from up here!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day a guy lost his dick in an auto accident. He went to the doctor to
|
|
get it replaced and the doctor pulled out a drawer with replacement dicks
|
|
in it. "Those look o.k.," the unfortunate victim said, "but as long I have
|
|
the opportunity, I want something a bit longer." "Sure," the Doc replied as
|
|
he pulled out another drawer. "Well," the guy said, "those are pretty hefty,
|
|
but what I had in mind was something truly spectacular!" The doctor grunted
|
|
and begrudgingly opened a third drawer. "Now you're talking, Doc. That's
|
|
exactly what I had in mind, but tell me, you got any in white?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day a guy was sitting on a bus next to an old lady who was filling out
|
|
a crossword puzzle. Just when he thought the trip was getting boring when the
|
|
old lady leaned over and asked, "Excuse me, but can you help me with this
|
|
puzzle?" "Why sure," said the guy, "What do you need help with?" "I'm look-
|
|
ing for a word that describes what's on the bottom of a bird cage and ends
|
|
with 'it'," said the old lady. "That's easy, 'grit'," answered the guy.
|
|
"Oh, I see," said the old lady, "Can I borrow your eraser for a second?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the study the U.S. government did to discover why the
|
|
a man's penis has a head on it? It took them five years and five million
|
|
dollars to discover that it's there for a woman's satisfaction. After hear-
|
|
ing these results, the Canadian government did a study which took one year
|
|
and cost one million dollars. They discovered that the head of the penis is
|
|
there for the man's pleasure. After hearing this, the Polish government
|
|
spent twenty minutes and $1.49 to discover that men have a head on their
|
|
penii to keep their hands from sliding off.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
University of Miami Hurricanes
|
|
Football Schedule
|
|
|
|
September 7 Pueblo Junior High School
|
|
September 14 Cub Scout Troop #101
|
|
September 21 Colorado State Blind Academy
|
|
October 5 Spanish American War Veterans
|
|
October 12 St. Jude's Ladies Knitting Circle
|
|
October 26 Denver's Home for Wayward Girls
|
|
November 2 Girl Scout Troop #69
|
|
November 9 Boulder VD Clinic
|
|
November 16 Colorado Springs Midget Academy
|
|
November 23 Korean War Amputees
|
|
November 30 Dallas Cowboys (Cheerleaders)
|
|
|
|
Monday Night Games
|
|
|
|
August 31 Kick-Off Classic Crippled Children's Home
|
|
December 17 Toilet Bowl Daughter's of the American Revolution
|
|
|
|
Rule Changes From Last Year
|
|
|
|
1) When playing polio victims, the Hurricanes cannot disconnect their braces
|
|
unless trailing by 10 points or more.
|
|
2) When playing scouts, the Hurricanes are not allowed to eat all of their
|
|
cookies.
|
|
3) When playing blind teams, the Hurricanes are not allowed to hide the foot-
|
|
ball under their jerseys.
|
|
4) When playing amputees, no protests allowed about players with one leg
|
|
being harder to tackle.
|
|
5) The Hurricanes will be allowed 27 men on the field at all times.
|
|
6) The Hurricanes will be allowed to substitute with band members and/or
|
|
cheerleaders at any time during the game.
|
|
7) The Hurricanes will be given a first down with each gain of three or more
|
|
yards.
|
|
|
|
Rules Same As Last Year
|
|
|
|
A touchdown, for those Hurricanes who can count that high, is still six
|
|
points.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day three school boys were discussing which way you enter heaven first.
|
|
The first boy said, "You enter with your hands first because you're praying
|
|
to God as you go up." The second one argued, "No, no. You enter with your
|
|
head first because you're thinking about God and God is in your mind." The
|
|
third one retorted, "No, no, no. You enter with your feet first." Puzzled,
|
|
the other two boys inquired, "Feet first? How do you figure that?" To which
|
|
the boy replied, "Well, the other morning I walked in on mommy and daddy,
|
|
and mommy had her feet way up in the air as she was screaming, 'Oh God, I'm
|
|
coming!'"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
|
|
|
|
A: A german shepard.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Whats the difference between Robin Givens and a backpacker?
|
|
|
|
A: One pulls a muscle on a hike, the other pulls a hussle on a Mike.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Do you know what a woman says after good sex?
|
|
|
|
(pause for negative answer)
|
|
|
|
A: I didn't think so!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Said Saddam, the Iraqi from Hell,
|
|
"By invading Kuwait I'll do well!"
|
|
Oh, he made such a rout,
|
|
But the ones who made out,
|
|
Were Texaco, Exxon and Shell.
|
|
|
|
(By Larry Firrantello)
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
|
|
|
|
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A barber nicked a customer rather badly while giving him a shave. Hoping to
|
|
make amends, the barber asked, "Do you want your head wrapped in a towel?"
|
|
"No thanks," replied the customer. "I'll carry it home under my arm!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The golfer hit the ball and it slammed into a tree and came right back at
|
|
him. He doubled up in pain and as he was moaning and moaning a foursome of
|
|
nurses came by. One of the nurses ran over to him and said, "Here, let me
|
|
help you!" The golfer was so embarrassed that he protested he would be
|
|
alright soon. The nurse said, "But I know just what to do to help you stop
|
|
hurting." So she had him lie down and she proceeded to undo his belt and
|
|
zip down his pants. She took his penis in her hand and began to rub it and
|
|
after a little while she said, "There now. Doesn't that feel better?" The
|
|
golfer replied, "Yes, but my finger still hurts like hell!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What would you rather be: a light bulb or a bowling ball?
|
|
|
|
A: It depends on whether you'd rather be screwed or fingered.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How many drunken Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
|
|
|
|
A: 101 - One to hold it and 100 to drink till the room spins around.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The joke is in your momma's mouth ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A young couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they
|
|
undressed for bed, the husband who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants
|
|
to his bride and said, "Here, put these on". She put them on, but the waist
|
|
was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's
|
|
right," said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the
|
|
pants in this family!" With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try
|
|
these on." He tried them on but found that he could only get them on as far
|
|
as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants." She said,
|
|
"That's right, and that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude
|
|
changes ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's worse than a joke about shit?
|
|
|
|
A: A joke about shit thats corny.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A man got drunk one night, went home and crawled into bed with his wife.
|
|
Lying in bed, he let out a fart. "What the hell was that," his wife asked.
|
|
"I'm playing football," he said, "The score is 6-0." His wife thought
|
|
(Okay, you smart ass. I'll show you) and she let loose a fart of her own.
|
|
"I'm playing too," she said. "The score's 6-6 now." The man laughed and
|
|
tried to work up a real blaster but, to his dismay, he shit in the bed
|
|
instead. "Halftime," he said. "We change sides."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The fireman told his wife, "From now on we're going to do things right - by
|
|
the bells, like we do it at the firehouse. When I ring one bell, you meet me
|
|
at the door with a kiss. Two bells means you head for the bedroom. Three
|
|
bells means you undress. Four bells means you jump into bed and do what
|
|
women do best." Things go according to plan, except the wife picked up the
|
|
bell while they were in the sack one night and rang it five times. "What
|
|
the hell does that mean," the fireman asked. The wife replied, "That means
|
|
reel out more hose, you aren't close enough to the fire."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Anal Sex: The man in the moon.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
More fine literature:
|
|
|
|
"V.D." (Dick Hertz)
|
|
|
|
"Treasue in the Outhouse" (I. P. Gold)
|
|
|
|
"Male Anatomy" (Hugh G. Rection)
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why are camels called 'The ships of the desert'?
|
|
|
|
A: Because they are full of Iraqi semen!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
THE BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR
|
|
|
|
One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT O'HONEY, so he took MARY JANE behind
|
|
the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her
|
|
MOUNDS. It was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out a
|
|
SNICKER as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICYFRUIT and caused a MILKY WAY.
|
|
She screamed "OH HENRY!" as she squeezed his PETER PAUL and ZAGNUTS. MARY
|
|
JANE said, "You are even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS." Soon she was a
|
|
bit CHUNKY and nine months later had a BABY RUTH.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One fine day in the summer of 1980, a Polish architect gathered thousands
|
|
and thousands of Polish steelworkers, carpenters, etc. and said to them,
|
|
"We have to do something about the way the world looks at Poland! We should
|
|
build the biggest bridge in the world, bigger than any other, then they will
|
|
respect us, so go to it ... for Poland!" So the inspired laborers went off
|
|
and come back 10 years later. The foreman announced, "We have built the
|
|
biggest bridge in the world, bigger than any other!" The architect of the
|
|
idea asked, "Well where is it, across the Atlantic?"
|
|
|
|
"No, not quite that big."
|
|
|
|
"Across the Mediterranean?"
|
|
|
|
"No, not there either."
|
|
|
|
"Then where the hell is it!?"
|
|
|
|
"It is in the middle of the Sahara desert," said the foreman proudly.
|
|
|
|
"What?", said the archtitect in disbelief. "Quick, take it down before
|
|
someone sees it. Blow it up if you have to!"
|
|
|
|
So the foreman left. Soon he came back and said, "We can't."
|
|
|
|
"Why not?" is the replied the angry architect.
|
|
|
|
"Because," explained the foreman, "there are 500 Italians fishing off of
|
|
it!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE TURNING REPUBLICAN
|
|
|
|
(By Dave Barry)
|
|
|
|
The Republicans have a high Beady-eyed, self-righteous, scary, borderline loon
|
|
quotient, as evidenced by Phyllis Schlafly, Pat Robertson, and the entire
|
|
state of Utah, etc. It's very common for people reaching middle age to turn
|
|
into Republicans. It can happen overnight. You go to bed as your regular old
|
|
T-shirt-wearing self, and you wake up the next morning with Ralph Lauren
|
|
clothing and friends named "Muffy". Here are some other signs to watch for:
|
|
|
|
-- You find yourself judging political candidates solely on the
|
|
basis of whether or not they'd raise your taxes. "Well", you
|
|
say, "He *was* convicted in those machete slaying, but at least
|
|
he won't raise my taxes."
|
|
|
|
-- You start clapping wrong to music. This is something I've noticed
|
|
about Republicans at the conventions. The band will start playing
|
|
something vaguely upbeat - a real GOB rocker such as "Bad, Bad
|
|
Leroy Brown" - and the delegates will decide to get funky and
|
|
clap along, and it immediately becomes clear that they all suffer
|
|
from a tragic Rhythm Deficiency, possibly caused by years of
|
|
dancing the Bunny Hop to bands with names like "Leon Wudge and
|
|
His Sounds of Clinical Depression." To determine whether Repub-
|
|
lican Rhythm Impairment is afflicting you, you should take the
|
|
Ray Charles Clapping Test. All you do is hum the song "Hit the
|
|
Road Jack" and clap along. A rhythmically normal person will
|
|
clap as follows: "Hit the road, (clap, clap)." (By the way, if
|
|
you don't even *know* the song "Hit the Road Jack," then not
|
|
only are you a Republican, but you might even be Cabinet
|
|
material.)
|
|
|
|
I'll tell you what's weird. Not only is our generation turning into Repub-
|
|
licans, but we also have a whole generation coming after us that's starting
|
|
*out* as Republicans. With the exception of a few dozen spittle-emitting
|
|
radicals I saw at the 1988 Democratic convention in Atlanta, the younger
|
|
generations today are already so conservative they make William F. Buckley
|
|
Jr. look like Ho Chi Minh. What I'm wondering is, what will they be like
|
|
when they are our age? Will they, too, change their political philosophy?
|
|
Will millions of young urban professionals turn 40 and all of a sudden start
|
|
turning into left-wing anti-establishment hippies, smoking pot on the
|
|
racquetball court and putting Che Guevara posters up in the conference room
|
|
and pasting flower decals all over their cellular telephone? It will be an
|
|
exciting time to look forward to. I plan to be dead.
|
|
|
|
("Dave Berry Turns 40")
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Once upon a time a sailor ran into his doctor's office and begged him for
|
|
help. He pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his dick, which was
|
|
sporting a ruby red ring around the tip. He asked the doctor if there was
|
|
any cure for this strange VD that had appeared. The doctor just smiled,
|
|
soaked a cloth in alcohol, and rubbed the end of the dick three times. The
|
|
sailor looked down and saw that the ring was gone. Ecstatic, he paid the
|
|
doctor and ran off to catch his ship. A few months later, another sailor
|
|
came to the doctor and said to him: "A few months back, my buddy came here
|
|
with a ring around his dick, and he said you just rubbed it three times and
|
|
he was cured. Well, I have a similar problem ..." The sailor pulled down
|
|
his pants and showed off his dick, which was sporting an emerald green ring
|
|
around the tip. Well, the doctor just reached into a pocket, took out a large
|
|
knife, and with one whack cut off the sailor's dick. "What did you do that
|
|
for!?" screamed the sailor in agony. "Your buddy had lipstick around his
|
|
dick," explained the doctor, "You had gangrene."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One night an elderly couple was sitting on the front porch in their rocking
|
|
chairs. All of a sudden, the old woman leaned over and knocked the crap out
|
|
of the old man. The old man, laying on the ground asked, "What was that for?"
|
|
The old woman answered, "That's for having such a small sex organ all these
|
|
years." So the old man got back on his rocker again. After a few minutes the
|
|
old man leaned over and knocked the crap out of the old lady. The old lady
|
|
said, "What the heck was that for?" The old man replied, "For knowing the
|
|
damn difference."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why don't mexicans have checking accounts?
|
|
|
|
A: It's hard to spray paint your name on that little line.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Last year a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out
|
|
he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a
|
|
twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he was being examined
|
|
the doctor shoved the muffin, the twinkie, and finally the cookie up the
|
|
guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it
|
|
was part of the therapy. This treatment continued for several weeks and every
|
|
time the doctor shoved a muffin, a twinkie and a cookie up his ass. Finally,
|
|
after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a
|
|
twinkie and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the
|
|
doctor shoved only the muffin and the twinkie up the patient's ass. After a
|
|
few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's
|
|
my cookie!?"
|
|
|
|
WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
MEDICAL TERMS FOR THE LAYMAN, KENTUCKY STYLE
|
|
|
|
Artery................... The study of fine pictures.
|
|
Barium................... What you do when the C.P.R. fails.
|
|
Cesarean Section......... A business district in Rome, Italy.
|
|
Colic.................... A type of sheep dog.
|
|
Coma..................... A punctuation mark.
|
|
Congenital............... Friendly.
|
|
Dilate................... To live longer.
|
|
Fester................... Quicker.
|
|
G.I. Series.............. A baseball game between teams of soldiers.
|
|
Grippe................... A suitcase.
|
|
Hangnail................. A coat hook.
|
|
Medical Staff............ A doctor's walkin cane.
|
|
Minor Operation.......... Coal digging.
|
|
Morbid................... A higher offer.
|
|
Nitrate.................. A lower bid than the day rate.
|
|
Node..................... Was aware of it.
|
|
Organic.................. A church musician.
|
|
Orgasm................... Japanese art of folding paper.
|
|
Outpatient............... A person who has fainted.
|
|
Post-Operative........... A letter carrier.
|
|
Protein.................. In favor of young people.
|
|
Secretion................ Hiding anything.
|
|
Serology................. Study of English Knighthood.
|
|
Tablet................... A small table.
|
|
Tumor.................... An extra pair.
|
|
Urine.................... Opposite of Your Out.
|
|
Varicose Veins........... Veins which are very close together.
|
|
Benign................... What you are after you are eight.
|
|
|
|
It is important as an med student in Kentucky to remember the four basic
|
|
rules:
|
|
|
|
1) Speak slow with small words.
|
|
|
|
2) Place a rolled up tissue in your lip so your speech pattern resembles
|
|
someone from Kentucky.
|
|
|
|
3) A hillbilly male is not commotose, that is just their normal lifestyle.
|
|
|
|
4) A young Kentucky girl is not a virgin unless she has no brothers.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Did you hear that Ronald McDonald was arrested?
|
|
|
|
A: He tried to stick his big mac in Wendy's hot and juicy.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A polish guy walked into a store and said to the clerk, "I would like to buy
|
|
a pound of kielbasa." "You must be polish," the clerk replied. The polish
|
|
guy, getting a little irritated, responded, "Why do you say that? If I
|
|
ordered pasta would you say I was Italian?" "No," said the clerk. "If I
|
|
ordered matzoh ball soup, would you say I was jewish?" "No," said the clerk.
|
|
"If I ordered a crossaint, would you say I was french?" "No," said the clerk.
|
|
"Then what makes you think I'm polish?" "Because this is a hardware store."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A police man pulls over a jewish man driving on the freeway and said "Mister,
|
|
did you know your wife fell out of the car half a mile back?" The jewish man
|
|
said, "Thank god, for a moment there, I thought I was going deaf!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How many fraternity guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
|
|
|
A: Frat guys don't screw in lightbulbs - they screw in pools of their own
|
|
vomit.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?
|
|
|
|
A: In a straight rodeo they yell, "Ride that sucker!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What is long and pink and drags the ocean floor?
|
|
|
|
A: Moby's dick.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
I know a guy so dumb, he thinks 'innuendo' is an Italian suppository.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did the possum cross the road?
|
|
A: I don't know, haven't seen one make it yet.
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
|
|
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
If Saddam Hussien were to pull out of Kuwait right now, it would be an
|
|
example of Kuwaitus Interruptus.
|
|
|
|
He would still be put in jail for Saddamizing Kuwait.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Sex is better than logic but I can't prove it.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by
|
|
dressing exactly alike.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Old Mother Hubbard,
|
|
Went to the cupboard,
|
|
To get her poor dog a bone.
|
|
When she bent over,
|
|
Rover drove her,
|
|
Because Rover had a bone of his own!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Bigamy is one wife too many.
|
|
Monogamy is the same thing.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Why a man would want to marry one wife is a mystery.
|
|
|
|
Marrying two is a bigamystery.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW
|
|
WHEN TRAVELING IN
|
|
MOSLEM AREAS
|
|
|
|
|
|
"Akbar khali-kili haftir lotfan" = (Thank you for showing me your marvelous
|
|
gun)
|
|
|
|
"Fekr gabul cardan davat paeh gush divar" = (I am delighted to accept your
|
|
kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my
|
|
arms above my head and my legs apart)
|
|
|
|
"Shomaeh fekr tamomeh oeh gofteh bande" = (I agree with everything you have
|
|
ever said or thought in your life)
|
|
|
|
"Auto arraregh davateman mano sepheh-hast" = (It is exceptionally kind of you
|
|
to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car)
|
|
|
|
"Khrel jepaheh maneh vajateii amrikahey" = (I will tell you the names and
|
|
addresses of many American spies traveling as
|
|
reporters)
|
|
|
|
"Balli, balli, balli!" = (Whatever you say!)
|
|
|
|
"Maternier ghermez ahlieh, ghorban" = (The red blindfold would be lovely,
|
|
excellency)
|
|
|
|
"Tikeh nuneh ba ob khrelleh bezorg va khrube boyast ino begeram" = (The
|
|
water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank
|
|
you. I must have the recipe)
|
|
|
|
"Fashaleh tupeman na degat mano goftan cheeshayeh mohemara jebehkeshv
|
|
arehman" = (If you will do me the kindness of not harming my
|
|
genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by
|
|
betraying my country in public.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two inhabitants of hell were taking a walk when a frigid breeze blew by.
|
|
Then a storm dumped several inches of snow. The men looked around in amaze-
|
|
ment. "What's going on?" one asked. "Only thing I can figure," replied his
|
|
companion, "is that the Cubs just won the World Series."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A pair of martians landed on a country road on Earth in the middle of the
|
|
night. "Where are we?" one martian asked. "I think we're in a cemetary,"
|
|
replied the other, "Look at the gravestone over there - that man lived to
|
|
be 108." "What's his name?" "Miles from Omaha."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Oh, what a lovely cow!" exclaimed the young woman from the city. "But why
|
|
doesn't it have any horns?" "There are many reasons," said the farmer. "Some
|
|
cows don't have them until later in life. Others have them removed, while
|
|
other breeds are born without them. This cow doesn't have any horns because
|
|
it's a horse."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Dirty Ernie was sitting in school, in Oklahoma, on a reservation. It was the
|
|
last day of school. The teacher said, "I will ask questions, and when you
|
|
give me the right answer you can go home for the summer." The first question
|
|
she asked was, "Who was the first president of the U.S.?" Ernie knew, and
|
|
raised his hand, but the teacher called on a little indian girl. The girl
|
|
said, "George Washington," and went home. All day long Ernie knew the
|
|
answers, but the teacher kept calling on the indian children. Finally the
|
|
teacher asked, "Who is the current president of the U.S.?" Ernie raised his
|
|
hand. Again the teacher called upon an indian child. Fed up, Dirty Ernie
|
|
yelled out, "Where the hell did all these damn indians come from?" "Who said
|
|
that!" the teacher glared around the room. Ernie said "General Custer at
|
|
Little Big Horn - I'm going home!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do we know that a greek designed the female body?
|
|
|
|
A: Who else would put the snack bar right next to the shit house?
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?
|
|
|
|
A: You take your boots off before you jump on a trampoline.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
You know you're a redneck if:
|
|
|
|
Your Truck has curtains, but your house doesn't.
|
|
Your porch collapses, and it kills more than seven dogs.
|
|
Every car you've ever owned is in your backyard.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. Whats the -height- of nerve?
|
|
|
|
A. Shitting on someone's doorstep, then ringing the bell and asking for
|
|
toilet paper.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There was a pod of whales in the water. One whale spotted a boat. He said
|
|
to his buddy, "That's the boat that killed Moby Dick!" "You know," said the
|
|
other whale, "I know how we can get back at them ... All we do is swim down
|
|
deep and come up under them and give them a good blow of water!" So the
|
|
whales went deep down into the water, came up under the ship, and gave a
|
|
good blow. The ship went up in the air and came crashing down - making the
|
|
sailors fall into the water. The first whale said to the second, "Now we can
|
|
eat the sailors!" The second whale replied, "Look, I don't mind giving a good
|
|
blow, but I refuse to eat sea men!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. How do you circumsize a whale?
|
|
|
|
A. Send down four skindivers.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A: What is the difference between Ted Kennedy and the Iraqi elite Republican
|
|
Guard?
|
|
|
|
A: Ted Kennedy killed an American.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Speaking of Dan Quayle, did you hear about the tragedy in Washington the
|
|
other day? There was a power failure and poor VP Quayle was stuck on an
|
|
escalator for over two hours.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Regarding the abortion controversy, someone once asked Quayle his opinion
|
|
of Rowe vs. Wade. He replied that it depended on how deep the water was.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There once was a man who had a very well developed liking for beans (green
|
|
beans, wax beans, kidney beans, limas - it didn't matter which, he liked
|
|
them all). He would go out of his way to get a good bowl of beans. There
|
|
came a day, however, when he had to forsake his beloved beans for his only
|
|
other love - the girl he was to marry. He did without his beans for several
|
|
years. Then, one day, which happened to be his birthday, he was walking home
|
|
from work when he passed a small roadside cafe which was having a special
|
|
on ... baked beans! "Since it's my birthday," he thought, "I deserve a
|
|
special present. I'll have enough time to get rid of the after effects
|
|
before I get home, so I'll treat myself to a steaming bowl of those beans!"
|
|
So he went in and had bowl, after bowl, after bowl of them. He then pro-
|
|
ceeded to lay a noxious vapor trail all the way home. When he arrived at
|
|
home, his wife met him outside the door with a blindfold, saying, "I don't
|
|
want you to see your surprise." After blindfolding him, she led him into
|
|
the dining room, seated him at the table and left, saying, "I have to get
|
|
the rest of your surprise." While she was gone, he felt the urge to get
|
|
rid of some of the tremendous pressure that was building up, so he lifted
|
|
one leg to get some relief. He didn't get enough leverage, so he lifted
|
|
the other leg, and proceeded to rip a prolonged, and very wet, fart. Soon
|
|
he heard his wife returning, so he straightened his pants legs, waved the
|
|
air, and settled himself. When his wife returned, she removed his blind-
|
|
fold to reveal a melted birthday cake and his friends passed out around
|
|
the table.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's he smartest kind of bee?
|
|
|
|
A: A spelling bee.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What kind of bugs live on the moon?
|
|
|
|
A: Luna ticks.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The sign in front of a New Hampshire church proclaimed, "If you're tired of
|
|
sin, come in." Underneath it someone had scrawled in lipstick, "If you're
|
|
not, call Marie at 624-8971."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two rich young women, Tina and Buffy, were watching a TV show about the
|
|
French Revolution. "There's one thing that puzzles me," Buffy said, "If
|
|
they were so poor, how could they afford all of that antique furniture?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why is the gun on welfare?
|
|
|
|
A: It got fired.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Where do young cows eat?
|
|
|
|
A: At the Calf-eteria.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Where do cows go after they get married?
|
|
|
|
A: On a honey-moo.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
|
|
|
|
A: To get to the other slide.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A bum walked into a bar and sat down next to a drunk who was studying some-
|
|
thing in his hand. The bum leaned closer as the drunk held the object up to
|
|
the light. "Well, it looks like plastic," the drunk said. Then he rolled it
|
|
around in his fingers and added, "And it feels like rubber." Curious, the
|
|
bum asked, "What do you have there?" The drunk shook his head. "Damned if
|
|
I know. It looks like plastic and feels like rubber." The bum said, "Let
|
|
me take a look." He examined it, rolled it between his fingers and said,
|
|
"Yeah, you're right. It does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I
|
|
don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" The drunk replied, "Out of
|
|
my nose."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
She was so fat and ugly that she got on the scale and a card came out
|
|
reading, "One at a time!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a lawyer that is sitting on the grass?
|
|
|
|
A: Fertilizer.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What can you do with 365 used rubbers?
|
|
|
|
A: Recycle them into a tire and call it a GOOD-YEAR.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two clams named Sam and Thelma Clam were basking in the surf, when a dune
|
|
buggy ran over them and killed them both. So they went up to Clam Heaven
|
|
and St. Peter Clam said, "Thelma you've been a good clam so here's your
|
|
wings, and a harp, and you can go into Heaven, but Sam, you've been a bad
|
|
clam: drinkin, carousing, carryin on, and hanging out with squids and lob-
|
|
sters, so you have to go to Hell!" Well Sam , being industrious went down
|
|
below and opened up a Clam Discotheque. Was doing very well thank you -
|
|
lots of young clams etc. After a couple of months, Thelma started to get
|
|
lonely. She approached St. Peter Clam and asked if she could visit Sam.
|
|
Pete replied, "Okay, but be sure to take your Harp, that's kinda your
|
|
passport back and forth - and make sure you come back in a week!" So
|
|
Thelma spent a week with Sam at his discotheque. They had a great time,
|
|
partying all night long. When she arrived back at the pearly gates, she
|
|
was greeted by St. Peter Clam who said, "Thelma, you look terrible -
|
|
you're all tired, your halo is crooked and where's your harp? She replied,
|
|
"Oh, No! I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A missionary in a remote jungle outpost found himself face to face with a
|
|
ferocious lion. Knowing he was doomed for certain, he kneeled down and said
|
|
his prayers. To his astonishment, the lion too kneeled quietly. "Praise God!
|
|
This is a miracle!" the joyous missionary shouted. "Quiet!" growled the lion,
|
|
"I'm saying grace ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The elderly woman accidentally dropped her handkerchief as she put some
|
|
coins into the beggar's cup. He gallantly stooped to pick it up. "Why you're
|
|
not blind!" she exclaimed. "No," he said, "I'm working for my brother. It's
|
|
his day off."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
I wish people would make up their minds. Every time I ask what time it is,
|
|
I get a different answer.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Years ago, when he was managing the last-place New York Mets, Casey Stengel
|
|
was approached by an excited scout. "Listen, I just saw a guy who struck out
|
|
27 batters. No one even hit the ball until there was two out in the ninth,
|
|
and he only hit a foul. Should I sign the pitcher?" "Forget the pitcher,"
|
|
Casey replied, "Get the guy who hit the foul! We need hitters ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A woman seated at the movies was surprised to find, sitting in the two
|
|
adjacent seats, a man with his arm around a sheep dog. All through the
|
|
movie, she noticed the dog watching the picture with apparent understanding
|
|
- snarling when the villain appeared, yelping happily at the funny parts. At
|
|
the end of the movie, she tapped the man on the shoulder. "I just can't get
|
|
over how much your dog enjoyed the movie," she said. "It surprises me too,"
|
|
the man answered, "He absolutely despised the book."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The man at the bar casually leaned over and asked a woman passing by,
|
|
"Excuse me, miss, do you have the time?" "What?" she said loudly, "How dare
|
|
you proposition me!" Noticing that every eye in the place turned toward him,
|
|
the man mumbled, "I just asked the time, miss." "I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF
|
|
YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!" she shrieked, even louder this time. Mortally
|
|
embarrassed, the man slunk off to a corner of the bar. A few minutes later,
|
|
the young woman approached him with an apology. "You'll have to excuse me,"
|
|
she said. "I'm writing a doctoral thesis on the response of human beings to
|
|
sudden shocking statements." The man looked at her curiously, then said in
|
|
his loudest voice, "YOU'LL DO ALL THAT, ALL NIGHT, FOR JUST TEN DOLLARS?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Three college students shared an apartment. Every night one of the guys
|
|
would go out and get drunk, come home at 2:00 AM, and puke in the kitchen
|
|
sink. The other two guys were getting plenty upset so they decided to play
|
|
a joke on him. They went to the butcher shop and asked for 2 pounds of
|
|
chicken guts. After the guy went out they poured the chicken guts in the
|
|
sink. That night, the third guy comes in precisely at 2:00 AM and starts
|
|
puking in the sink. After a few moments everything was quite. About an
|
|
hour later they heard the guy going to bed. The next morning he told the
|
|
other two guys what had happened: "I gotta quit drinking. This morning I
|
|
came in and puked my guts out. It took me an hour to get 'em all back in
|
|
again."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What has four legs and one arm?
|
|
|
|
A: A very happy pitbull.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day a lady was inside of an elevator and she had to fart really bad. She
|
|
thought to herself, 'What am I going to do if someone comes in and smells it.
|
|
I'm going to be so embarrassed.' Then she thought, 'If I spray this can of
|
|
pine air freshener no one will ever know what I did.' So she farted and one
|
|
floor later a biker stepped in and the lady said, "What does it smell like
|
|
in here?" The biker replied, "It smells like someone shit a Christmas tree."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
On this farm there used to be a cat and a rooster, but the rooster and the
|
|
cat didn't get along very well. The cat was nosey about where the rooster
|
|
went everyday, but the rooster wouldn't tell him anything at all and this
|
|
made the cat mad. So one day the cat decided to follow the rooster to see
|
|
where it was he went everyday. He followed the rooster to a stream where
|
|
the rooster would jump across, but the cat was afraid of falling in. This
|
|
went on about a week and then the one day the rooster saw the cat follow
|
|
him and stop at the stream, too afraid to cross over. The rooster started
|
|
jumping back and fourth across the stream teasing the cat because he was
|
|
afraid to jump over. This made the cat very mad and he decided if the
|
|
rooster could do it then so could he. The cat got a running start and
|
|
jumped, but landed in the middle of the stream where he drowned. The
|
|
moral of this story is that for every happy cock there is a wet pussy.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There men died and went to hell. Satan met them at the gates and said, "All
|
|
three of you weren't bad enough to go straight to Hell, so you get another
|
|
chance. If you can tell me something I can't do you can go to Heaven." The
|
|
first man said, "Make a car made of solid gold that runs on gasoline."
|
|
Satan did and the man went into Hell. The second man said, "Make a house
|
|
of solid silver." Satan did and the guy went into Hell. The last man was
|
|
a biker and he was laughing. Satan said, "How can you laugh when you are
|
|
at the gates of hell?" The biker stopped laughing, farted, and said, "Catch
|
|
it."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a fox and a dog?
|
|
|
|
A: Five drinks.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's polish and has an IQ of 180?
|
|
|
|
A: A village.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day Joe came hobbling in the club house with a 7 iron wrapped around his
|
|
neck. Of course everyone was curious as to what happened to poor ol' Joe.
|
|
Sam asked, "What happened to you?" In a raspy whisper, Joe told this tale
|
|
of woe:
|
|
|
|
I was teeing off on the 5th hole and I shagged my ball out into
|
|
this field of cows. I went over the fence and was looking for my
|
|
ball when this lady on the 12th tee shagged her ball into this
|
|
same field. So we're both looking for our balls when I happened
|
|
to see this one cow acting a little different than the rest. I
|
|
went over and raised its tail and damned if there wasn't a golf
|
|
ball stuck in its asshole. So I hollered at the lady, "Hey lady,
|
|
does this look like yours?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A COWBOY'S VIEW OF REINCARNATION
|
|
|
|
(By Wally McRee)
|
|
|
|
"What's reincarnation?" a cowboy asked his friend. His old pal told him:
|
|
|
|
It starts when your life comes to it's end: They comb your
|
|
hair and wash your neck and clean your fingernails and put
|
|
you in a padded box, away from life's travails. Then the box
|
|
and you goes in a hole that's been dug into the ground.
|
|
Reincarnation starts when you're planted beneath that mound.
|
|
Them clods melt down, just like that box and you inside - and
|
|
that's when you're beginning your transformation ride. And in
|
|
awhile the grass will grow upon your rendered mound until some-
|
|
day upon that spot a lonely flower is found. And then a "hoss"
|
|
done eat it along with his other feed - makes bone and fat
|
|
essential to the steed - but there's a part that the horse can't
|
|
use and so it passes through and there it lies upon the ground.
|
|
This thing that once was you, and if by chance I should pass by
|
|
and see this on the ground, I'll stop awhile and I'll ponder at
|
|
this object that I've found. And I'll think about reincarnation
|
|
and life and death and such, and I'll come away concludin' "Why,
|
|
you ain't changed all that much!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
___ _ / \ _ ___
|
|
/ \__/ \__/----\__/ \_/ \
|
|
| |0 0 |
|
|
\ _| __ /
|
|
\_______/ | | \_______/
|
|
/ _/\
|
|
__/ _/| | |||
|
|
/) (o _/___| |____ |___|
|
|
\ / / \ /
|
|
\__/ | |\_____/
|
|
|WHATSAMATTA|
|
|
| U |
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.
|
|
"Your wife makes a delicious roast," one chief said. "Thanks," his friend
|
|
said. "I'm gonna miss her."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Have You heard about the new cereal that's advertised a lot on TV, called
|
|
"Nut 'N' Honey"? Well, the same company is now marketing a similar new
|
|
cereal, aimed for the inner-city residents. It's called "Nut 'N' Bitch!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the worst thing about screwing a cow?
|
|
|
|
A: You have to get off the stump and run around front every time you want
|
|
to kiss her.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
English Teacher Joke:
|
|
|
|
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate clauses.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What should you do if you wife has an epileptic seizure in the bathtub?
|
|
|
|
A: Throw in the laundry.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There were these three old guys sitting around at a rest home, discussing
|
|
their health. The first guy, 70 years old, said, "I just wish I was still
|
|
able to take a good piss." The second guy, 80 years old, said, "Yeah, me
|
|
too, but more than anything, I wish I could still take a good shit." The
|
|
third old codger, at 90 years of age, said, "I take a good piss every morn-
|
|
ing about 7:30. Then, about 9:20, I take a good shit. I just wish I could
|
|
wake up earlier than eleven ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
|
|
|
|
A: Two, but I don't know how they got in there.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A man and his wife were traveling through Kansas on a hot day; when they
|
|
stopped for gas the wife stayed in the car with the windows up and the air
|
|
conditioning going, while the husband stepped out to talk to the man servic-
|
|
ing the car. The gas jockey asked the husband where they were from and the
|
|
husband said, "Texas." The wife knocked on the window and yelled, "What did
|
|
he say?" "He asked where we were from." The gas jockey asked, "Where in
|
|
Texas?" "Ft. Worth." The wife knocked on the window and yelled, "What did
|
|
he say?" "He asked where in Texas." The gas jockey said, "Ft. Worth, Texas
|
|
... I been there. That's where I had the worst piece of ass I ever got in my
|
|
life!" The wife knocked on the window and yelled, "What did he say?" "He
|
|
said that he thinks he knows you!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between meat and fish?
|
|
|
|
A: If you beat your fish, your fish will die.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do we know girls aren't made of sugar and spice?
|
|
|
|
A: Because they taste like anchovies.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A doctor was taking a group of interns on rounds at a hospital. All of a
|
|
sudden, another intern came racing down the corridor, shouting "Quick, doc-
|
|
tor, give me a pen!" The doctor reached into his pocket and handed the intern
|
|
something. The intern looked at the object and said, "Doctor, this isn't a
|
|
pen. It's a rectal thermometer." The doctor looked at the thermometer and
|
|
exclaimed, "Dammit, some asshole has my pen!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day a kid came home and yelled, "Ma, Ma, I had sex for the first time
|
|
today!" The mother was outraged and sent the kid upstairs to his room. When
|
|
the father got home, the mother explained the situation, whereupon the
|
|
father marched staright up the stairs to his son's room. "I Hear you had
|
|
sex, son." said the father in a stern voice. "Yeah ..." "Way to go! Now
|
|
you're a man! I'm proud of you son." The next day at work the father told
|
|
the guys at work about his 'improved' son. That night he came home from
|
|
work and again went to his son's room. "So, son, did you have sex again
|
|
today?" "No Dad; my asshole is still sore from yesterday ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There once was an career aggie who was well into his 12th year at A&M. His
|
|
father, an arch-supporting alumni, was growing tired of his son not having
|
|
graduated yet. He himself took only 10 years. So he pressured the dean to
|
|
simply graduate his son and be done with it. Not wanting to give preferen-
|
|
tial treatment to the rich alumni, but still wanting his substantial finan-
|
|
cial support, the dean decided to test the boy and, if he passed the exam,
|
|
then he would grant him his graduate degree. So the dean called the son
|
|
into his office and explained the matter, telling him he only had three
|
|
questions and that it was an overnight, open book, test (Not wanting to
|
|
leave anything up to chance). Then he listed the questions:
|
|
|
|
1. How many Days of the Week begin with a "T"?
|
|
2. How many Seconds are there in a Year?
|
|
3. How many "D's" are there in DIXIE?
|
|
|
|
The youth hurried home and began to work. The next day he returned to the
|
|
dean's office, obviously worn to a frazzle, having stayed up all night
|
|
working. The dean asked him, "Okay son, for the first question, how many
|
|
days of the week begin with a "T", what is your answer?" The son said,
|
|
"Well, 'course that was the first and easiest one ... There are two days,"
|
|
(The dean smiled) "Today and Tomorrow!" The dean began to sweat and wiped
|
|
his face. "Well I suppose there is a certain amount of truth to that answer,
|
|
so I'll accept it. Now, for the second question: How many seconds are there
|
|
in a year? The son replied, "You know that had me workin' a long time, till
|
|
I looked at my calendar fer help. Then it come to me: there are 12 seconds
|
|
in a year. The 2nd of January, 2nd of Feb ..." The Dean almost lost it, but
|
|
then regained composure. "Son," he said, "I believe we misphrased the
|
|
question, so I'm going to give you credit for it. Now, for the third and
|
|
final question, how many D's are there in "Dixie"? The lad just smiled,
|
|
and said, "That's the one what kept me up all night until I got it right!
|
|
There are 232 D's!" he said proudly. "What do you mean, 232?" sputtered the
|
|
dean. "How did you come up with that?" "Well, you gotta just count like
|
|
this: Dee Dee Dee, De De De De Dee Dee Deeee ..."
|
|
^
|
|
|
|
|
(to the tune of Dixie)
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One bright and early afternoon a ventriloquist was walking through a field
|
|
when he encountered an indian grazing his cow, horse and sheep. The man
|
|
smiled at the indian and asked, "How are you doing today Mr. Indian?" The
|
|
Indian smiled and said, "Me fine." The man then turned to the cow and asked,
|
|
"And how are you doing today Mr. Cow?" The Indian got a puzzled look on his
|
|
face and said, "Cow no talk." The man threw his voice at the cow saying,
|
|
"Oh, I'm o.k., but sometimes this indian's hands are cold when he tries to
|
|
milk me." The indian's eyes grew wide. Then the man turned to the horse
|
|
and asked, "And how are you doing today Mr. Horse?" The indian once again
|
|
looked at the man and said, "Horse no talk." The man threw his voice again,
|
|
saying, "Oh, I'm o.k., but sometimes when this Indian is riding me he hits
|
|
me awful hard." The indian's eyes grew even wider. Finally, the man looked
|
|
to the sheep and asked, "And how are you doing today Mr. Sheep?" The indian
|
|
quickly shouted, "Sheep lie! Sheep lie!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There were three couples who wanted to be members of a church: an elderly
|
|
couple, a middle-aged couple and a newlywed couple. The preacher said,
|
|
"To become members you have to abstain from sex for one whole month."
|
|
All three couples agreed and arranged to return in one month. After the
|
|
month had passed, the preacher asked each couple how well they had done.
|
|
The elderly couple reported they had succeded with little difficulty. The
|
|
middle-aged couple said it was challenging, but that they had also succeded.
|
|
Then the preacher asked the newlyweds how they had done. The husband said,
|
|
"Well, the first two weeks were o.k., the third week was really challenging,
|
|
but during the fourth week my wife bent over to get a can of vegtables and
|
|
I just lost all control." The preacher said, "Well, then, I'm sorry to say
|
|
that you can't become members of our church." To which the husband replied,
|
|
"That's o.k., they won't let us back in the grocery store either."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What has 100 balls and fucks rabbits?
|
|
|
|
A: A shotgun.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Once upon a time, a man was walking along the beach when he saw a beautiful
|
|
girl who, sadly, had no legs. She was in her wheelchair bawling her eyes
|
|
out. "What's wrong?" he asked. "I've never been hugged before," she replied.
|
|
So he hugged her. The next day on his walk, he saw her again. Once more, she
|
|
was crying. "What's wrong now?" he asked. "I've never been kissed before."
|
|
she sobbed. So he proceeded to lay a lip-lock on her. The third day he was
|
|
walking by and AGAIN saw the poor girl crying. By now annoyed, he snapped,
|
|
"Now what?" "I've never been fucked before ..." she said hopefully. Where-
|
|
upon he proceeded to pick her up out of her wheelchair and throw her in the
|
|
water. "Now you're fucked!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why don't lawyers lay out at the beach?
|
|
|
|
A: Because cats keep covering them with sand.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
If Iraq attacked Turkey from the rear, would Greece help?
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day an old man and his wife were sitting in the waiting room of the old
|
|
man's urologist. The nurse stepped in, holding three specimen jars in her
|
|
hand. She said "Mr. Johnson, we're going to need a urine sample, a semen
|
|
sample and a stool sample." Fiddling with the volume control on his hearing
|
|
aid, Mr. Johnson asked his wife, "WHAT DID SHE SAY, MARTHA?" "They want
|
|
your shorts, dear."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One night a lady was choking on a piece of meat in a restaurant. Everybody
|
|
tried to help by slapping her on the back, but to no avail. All of a sudden
|
|
an Aggie RAN across the room, whipped up her dress, ripped down her drawers
|
|
and started licking her ass. She was so astounded, she disgorged the meat
|
|
and said, "My God, what was that?!" The Aggie drawled, "Wuh luhned thut in
|
|
school, thut's thuh Hindlick Mahnuhvuh!".
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Heat of the Meat
|
|
Angle of Dangle = -------------------
|
|
Stench of the Wench
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What are the three worst words that you can hear while making love?
|
|
|
|
A: Honey, I'm home!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One afternoon a man was walking along a farm road with his daughter, when
|
|
they came upon two sheep. The two sheep were in the process of mating and
|
|
the father, noticing his daughters interest, quickly explained that the
|
|
sheep on top had hurt his two front hooves and the other sheep was helping
|
|
him get back to the barn. His daughter turned around, and smiled at her dad,
|
|
and said, "Isn't it funny that when you help someone, they almost always
|
|
screw you in the end?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A woman wanted to have a baby, so she asked a guy to have sex with her. Just
|
|
as they were about to commence, she asked, "What are we going to call our
|
|
baby?" The guy left, saying, "I don't want no kid!" So she invited another
|
|
man over. The same thing happened The third time, she decided not to tell
|
|
the man she wanted to get pregnant until after the act was over. After he
|
|
came, she asked, "What are we going to call our baby?" The man stood up,
|
|
pulled off the condom, tied it in a knot, threw it up against the wall and
|
|
said, "If he gets out of that, we'll call him `Superman.'"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a kosher tampon?
|
|
|
|
A: A tightwad.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
TWENTY TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MEN'S ROOM
|
|
|
|
EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
|
|
SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
|
|
CROSSEYES: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
|
|
TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back
|
|
later.
|
|
INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
|
|
CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
|
|
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
|
|
WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
|
|
ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
|
|
CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
|
|
SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in
|
|
next stall will get blamed.
|
|
PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
|
|
DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
|
|
TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
|
|
EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
|
|
FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
|
|
LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
|
|
DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
|
|
DISGRUNTLED: Stands for awhile, gives up, walks away.
|
|
CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day Adam was in the Garden of Eden when God came over to him and said,
|
|
"I made something for you. What I made for you will do anything you say,
|
|
fix your meals and give you indescribable pleasure. It will take care of
|
|
you always and it will never give you any trouble." Adam thought a moment
|
|
and said, "What does it cost me?" God said, "Just an arm and a leg." Adam
|
|
said "Sorry, but that's too steep for me. What can I get for a rib?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Once upon a time there was a mathematician who found an equation for GOD. It
|
|
was, of course, a very complicated equation but, she figured, all she had to
|
|
do was find a computer system which (1) had a large enough memory to store
|
|
all the necessary variables, and (2) was fast enough to gather all the infor-
|
|
mation together. Once this was accomplished, all the mysteries of the Uni-
|
|
verse could be solved. So the government took every available micro-
|
|
processor, linker, loader, assembler and anything else they had available,
|
|
put them all together and asked the computer: "Is there a God?" Unfortu-
|
|
nately, however, the computer's response was that it would take, at the
|
|
very least, a century or two to solve the problem. This wasn't good enough
|
|
for the bureaucrats in Washington who, for the first time in their lives
|
|
wanted something other than the status quo. So they decided to follow that
|
|
up by taking every single computer in the entire nation and, linking them
|
|
all together into one giant, ever-so-much-bigger, super-computer, asked
|
|
once again, "Is there a God?" Well, this time the computer said that it
|
|
would take only ten years to solve the equation Not as bad, but still not
|
|
quick enough to satisfy all the eager philosophers and scientists. "Some-
|
|
thing more must be done!" they shouted. By this time the whole world was
|
|
beginning to pay attention to the project and everone wanted to get
|
|
involved. After much debate, the United Nations decided to build the com-
|
|
puter and discover if there really was a God. So they took every computer
|
|
system in the world and linked them all together into one single amazing
|
|
super-duper-computer - the likes of which had never, EVER, been seen
|
|
before! Once again the scientists asked, "Is there a God?" The response?
|
|
|
|
"THERE IS NOW!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will take out a three
|
|
year lease with an option to buy. If you tell the Navy to secure a building,
|
|
they will turn out the lights and lock the door. If you tell the Army to
|
|
secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a
|
|
pass. If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault it with
|
|
heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call in an air strike.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Great way to answer the telephone:
|
|
|
|
"Hello, Incontinence Clinic. Please hold ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There once was a priest and a nun on missionary journey in the Sahara Desert.
|
|
They were riding a camel in a caravan across the desert when all of sudden a
|
|
sandstorm blew in. They were separated from their traveling companions and
|
|
got lost in the desert. After a few days the camel collapsed from exhaustion.
|
|
Father John looked at the Sister Agnes and said, "Looks like this is it for
|
|
us." Sister Agnes agreed. "I always wanted to have sex before I died." said
|
|
Father John. "Me too." said Sister Agnes. So they both undressed. When had
|
|
both disrobed, Sister Agnes looked down at the Father John's sceptre and
|
|
said, "What is that?" Father John told the good Sister that it was the Shaft
|
|
of Life. Said Sister Agnes: "Then, why don't you stick it in that camel so
|
|
we can get the hell out of here?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why should you wrap your pet hamster in electrical tape?
|
|
|
|
A: So it won't explode when you fuck it.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A boy came home from school one day and went up to Dad. "Pop, I've gotta
|
|
write a paper on the difference between theory and fact. Can you help me?"
|
|
"Why sure son. Go and ask your mom if she would sleep with old Mr. Johnson
|
|
next door for half-a-million dollars." The son was puzzled at this, but went
|
|
and asked mom anyway. He walked back in the room a short time later and said
|
|
"Yeah, mom would do that." "Go and ask your sister the same question." said
|
|
the father. Junior ran up the stairs, asked Sis, and came thundering down
|
|
the stairs. "She said she would also." "Okay son, here's the difference: In
|
|
theory, we're millionaires. But, in fact, we're living with a couple of
|
|
sluts."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Confucius say:
|
|
|
|
Teenage girl with bicycle pedal ass all over town.
|
|
|
|
Squirrel lay on rock, crack nuts. Man lay on crack, rock nuts.
|
|
|
|
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
|
|
|
|
Man who get stiff in joints should stay out of them.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The school bus approached the curb and slowed but, upon noticing a gibbering
|
|
kid stumbling around, gooking all over the place, the driver stepped on the
|
|
pedal and left the kid in a cloud of dust. Next day, the bus approached the
|
|
same curb, but upon noticing the gibbering, drooling kid with his arms
|
|
flopping around, the bus smoked by the kid again. The third day, the bus
|
|
again approached the curb. Once again, the kid on the curb was frantically
|
|
stumbling around, drooling and gibbering. The bus burned rubber, hopped the
|
|
curb, and ran right over the stumbling kid. Later, the police arrived. The
|
|
officer asked the bus driver, "I understand that you failed to pickup the
|
|
poor kid all week long and, as if that weren't enough, you ran him over!.
|
|
What do you have to say for yourself?" To which the driver replied, "He
|
|
wuth makking fthun uff me!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the first symptom of AIDS?
|
|
|
|
A: A pounding sensation in your butt.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
|
|
A: Douse it with lighter fluid and toss on a match. ("Wooof!")
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
|
|
A: First you douse the dog with water, then stick him in the
|
|
freezer. After a couple of hours take him out and run him
|
|
through a bandsaw. ("Reeooww!")
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A man entered a tattoo parlor on the lower west side and wanted to get a
|
|
tattoo. "What can I do for you?" asked the tattoo artist. "Well," the man
|
|
replied, "I want a $100 dollar bill tattooed on my wang." "I've never had
|
|
that request before. Do you mind if I ask why?" "Well, I really like to
|
|
watch my money grow. I also love to play with my money. And, I'll tell you
|
|
what, my wife can blow a hundred dollar bill better than anyone I've ever
|
|
met!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Dirty Ernie got a duck for his birthday. He took it for walks every day
|
|
and enjoyed having a pet. One day, Sleezy Suzy saw him walking the duck,
|
|
and said, "Hey, I like your duck. Will you give it to me if we go into the
|
|
bushes and fool around?" Dirty Ernie agreed, and off they went. When they
|
|
finished, Dirty Ernie said, "Hey, if you'll give me my duck back, we can
|
|
do that again." So they fooled around in the bushes some more. Unfortu-
|
|
nately, about this time a big truck came barreling down the street. The
|
|
truck driver saw the duck in the road, and slammed on his brakes - but no
|
|
luck - he ran right over it. The driver told Dirty Ernie, "Hey kid, I'm
|
|
sorry about your duck. Here's a dollar to pay for it." Later, when Dirty
|
|
Ernie finally got home, his dad asked him how his day was. Dirty Ernie
|
|
said, "Not bad, Dad. I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and a
|
|
buck for a fucked-up duck."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
TITLE: Restroom Policy (RTP)
|
|
|
|
Effective Date: Immediately.
|
|
|
|
Revised: July 31, 1990.
|
|
|
|
Approval: Board of County Commissioners.
|
|
|
|
References: None.
|
|
|
|
Author: Anonymous.
|
|
|
|
Purpose: In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to
|
|
the bathroom under informal guidelines. Effective
|
|
September 1, 1990, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) will
|
|
be established to provide a consistent method of
|
|
accounting for each employee's restroom time and
|
|
ensuring equal treatment of all employees.
|
|
|
|
Policy: It is the policy of the county government to provide
|
|
fair and equal restroom time for all employees. Under
|
|
this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established
|
|
for each employee. The first day of each month, employees
|
|
will be given twenty (20) Restroom Trip Credits. Restroom
|
|
Trip Credits may be accumulated from month to month.
|
|
|
|
Exceptions: Pregnant employees (male or female) will be given forty
|
|
(40) Restroom Trip Credits per month.
|
|
|
|
Definitions: None.
|
|
|
|
Procedure: Currently the entrances to all restrooms are being equipped
|
|
with personnel identification stations and computer-linked
|
|
voice print recognition devices. During the next two (2)
|
|
weeks, each employee must provide two (2) copies of voice
|
|
prints (one normal, one under stress) to Personnel Services.
|
|
The Voice Print Recognition Stations will be operational,
|
|
but not restrictive for the month of September; employees
|
|
should acquaint themselves with the stations during that
|
|
period. If an employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance
|
|
reaches zero (0), the doors to all restrooms will remain
|
|
locked for that employee's voice until the first of next
|
|
month when the employee receives his/her next 20/40
|
|
credits. In addition, all restroom stalls are being
|
|
equipped with timed paper-roll retractors. If the stall
|
|
is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will
|
|
sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll
|
|
of paper in the stall will retract, the toilet will flush,
|
|
and the stall door will open.
|
|
|
|
Liability: It is the responsibility of all management personnel to
|
|
ensure understanding and compliance with this policy.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There once was a business executive who decided he needed a little rest from
|
|
the daily routine, so he decided to take his pretty, young secretary to a
|
|
hotel for some whoopee. He rented a very nice, quiet room and they spent
|
|
the day drinking, going to bed, having lunch, drinking some more, back to
|
|
bed again, etc. Finally 5 o'clock came and they had to go their separate
|
|
ways. On the way home, he was thinking about what excuse he could tell his
|
|
wife if she was in the mood for having a 'party' tonight. He drove up the
|
|
driveway of his home and sure enough, there was his wife at the door, all
|
|
arrayed in a pretty gown and negligee, with pipe, slippers and cool drinks.
|
|
She led him into the house, with all the sweetness she possessed, to his
|
|
favorite armchair. He thought, "God I hope that this doesn't build up to
|
|
something." They sat back and relaxed, sipping their drinks and talking.
|
|
Suddenly, she said that she had forgotten something in the bedroom, got
|
|
up and said she would be right back. He thought, "Oh Lord, here it comes."
|
|
As soon as she had left the room he jumped up, unzipped his trousers, pulled
|
|
out 'Jasper' and started to bend it and whip it around trying to get some
|
|
life into it, but nothing happened - it did not help a bit. He heard her
|
|
returning so he stuffed 'Jasper' back into his trousers, zipped them up,
|
|
sat down and sighed. They continued their conversation, then she asked him
|
|
if he would care for another drink, and he replied that he would, so off
|
|
she went to the kitchen to fix it. He jumped up immediately, opening his
|
|
pants again, out with 'Jasper', up and down, around and around, back and
|
|
forth - all this with much more vigor than before - but to no avail. He
|
|
decided he would just have to tell her that he was too tired for the fun
|
|
and games tonight. She returned with their drinks, sat down and said,
|
|
"Dear, I've a most wonderful surprise for you, and I know that you will
|
|
be perfectly delighted." He thought, "Sure I will." Then aloud, "Well,
|
|
what is it?" She answered sweetly, and with a sly smile, "Guess what,
|
|
we're on Totally Hidden Video!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Ex-WWII Pilot: ... There were three Fokkers straight ahead, two more Fokkers
|
|
on my tail, when - all of a sudden! - I saw a Fokker coming
|
|
in from each side ...
|
|
|
|
Buddy #1: What's a Fokker?
|
|
|
|
Buddy #2: That's a German fighter plane.
|
|
|
|
Ex-Pilot: That's right, and these particular Fokkers were Messerschmidts!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What did Adam say to Eve?
|
|
|
|
A: Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Once upon a time, a newlywed couple were on their honeymoon in the Bahamas.
|
|
One day, while sun-bathing, the husband got a bad case of sunburn on his
|
|
dick. In terrible pain, he went back to their room to seek some relief. He
|
|
opened up the frig and found a bottle of milk. He poured a glass and soaked
|
|
his irritated cock within. As he was standing there, his wife walked in,
|
|
looked at him, and said, "So that's how it's done! I've always wondered
|
|
how you guys filled that thing up."
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED AT BELL LABS
|
|
|
|
(Boston) - The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered at
|
|
Bell Labs. The element, tentatively named ADMINISTRATIUM, has no protons or
|
|
electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one
|
|
neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistant-vice-
|
|
neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held
|
|
together, in a nucleus, by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
|
|
meson-like particles called morons.
|
|
|
|
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
|
|
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
|
|
According to Bell Lab scientists, a minute amount of Administratium caused
|
|
one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur
|
|
in less than one second.
|
|
|
|
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years - at which
|
|
time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in
|
|
which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant-vice-neutrons exchange
|
|
places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases
|
|
after each reorganization.
|
|
|
|
Research at other laboratories indicate that Administratium occurs naturally
|
|
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as govern-
|
|
ment agencies, large corporations, universities, and can be found in the
|
|
newest best maintained buildings.
|
|
|
|
Scientist point out that Administratium is know to be toxic at any level of
|
|
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is
|
|
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administra-
|
|
tium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date
|
|
are not promising.
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
|
|
|
|
A: Full.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
An old man went into a bar in Wyoming. After having a few drinks he started
|
|
staring at a heavyset, long-haired, bearded biker. After a few minutes the
|
|
biker got pissed off, went over to the old man, and asked him why he kept
|
|
staring at him. The old man replied, "I just finished doing twenty-five
|
|
years in prison for screwing a buffalo. I just thought you might be my son."
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the new Polish parachute? It opens on impact ...
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Last year on '20/20' Barbara Walters did a documentary on the customs of
|
|
American Indians. After a tour of the reservation, she inquired as to how the
|
|
number feathers in the indians' headdress was determined. She asked a brave
|
|
who had only one feather in his headdress. His reply was "Me have only one
|
|
squaw, me have only one feather." She asked another brave, thinking the
|
|
first fellow was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress.
|
|
He replied, "Ugh! Me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws."
|
|
Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of squaws
|
|
involved, she decided to interview the chief.
|
|
|
|
The Chief had a full headdress of feathers which, needless to say,
|
|
amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do yuw haff tho many feathuh
|
|
in yuw headwess?" The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief,
|
|
me fuckem all - big, small, fat, tall - me fuckem all." Horrified, Ms.
|
|
Walters stated, "Yuw thould be hung!" The Chief replied, "You damned right,
|
|
me hung - big like buffalo, long like snake ..." Ms. Walters spluttered,
|
|
"Yuw dwon't haff to be tho damned hothtile!" The Chief replied, "Hoss-
|
|
style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style, me fuckem all!" Tears in her
|
|
eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Ow, dweer!" The Chief said, "No deer - me no
|
|
fuckem deer - asshole too high and fuckers run too fast. No fuckem deer!"
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
An office manager learned that, due to increased operating costs and slumping
|
|
sales, he would have to let one of his employees go. After much thought he
|
|
narrowed his choices down to two employees: Liz and Jack. Both were equal in
|
|
seniority and both were good workers, so the manager decided that he would
|
|
watch the two at work the next day and the first one to leave their desk was
|
|
the one who would be let go. When they arrived in the morning, both Liz and
|
|
Jack got right to work, and the manager began to wonder if his plan would
|
|
work. About mid-morning, however, Liz got up from her desk and asked Jack
|
|
for some aspirin. The manager had his victim. He caught up with Liz at the
|
|
water fountain: "I'm afraid I have a dilemma here," he said. "I'm going to
|
|
have to lay you or Jack off." "Well then, jack off," Liz snapped. "I've got
|
|
a headache!"
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Once upon a time, a Marine Gunny took it upon himself to toilet train his
|
|
son. Being a Marine, the kid was taught "by the numbers." So the Gunny took
|
|
his son into the head and he said, "Kid, this is the way you do it by the
|
|
numbers: ONE! You unzip your fly. TWO! You pull out your crank. THREE! You
|
|
piss! FOUR! You put it back in. FIVE! You zip up your pants. Got it?" The
|
|
little kid, being the son of a Marine, immediately responded with a thunder-
|
|
ing, "Aye, aye!" A day or so went by, and the Gunny spied his son going into
|
|
the head, so he snuck up to the door and listened: "One! Two! Three! Four!
|
|
Two! Four! Two! Four! ..."
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Once upon a time, a bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. The
|
|
bear looked down at the rabbit and asked, "Do you have a problem with shit
|
|
sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replied, "No, I've never had that problem."
|
|
So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass ...
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What was John Lennons last hit?
|
|
|
|
A: "The Pavement."
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What would it take to re-unite the original Beatles?
|
|
|
|
A: Three bullets.
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you kill the New Kids on the Block?
|
|
|
|
A: Give one of them Aids.
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
VARIOUS OBSCURE SCIENTIFIC TERMS
|
|
|
|
Avogadro = The main ingredient in guacamole.
|
|
|
|
Circular Reasoning = See Reasoning, Circular.
|
|
|
|
Half-life = Saturday night in Vacaville.
|
|
|
|
Hyperbola = An ellipse described by Howard Cosell.
|
|
|
|
Millihelen = The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
|
|
|
|
Ohm = Where the heart is.
|
|
|
|
Loschmidt's Number = (415) 767-1678
|
|
|
|
Rosche's Limit = About three beers.
|
|
|
|
Reasoning, Circular = See Circular Reasoning.
|
|
|
|
Unit of Power = Watt. "I said, unit of power!" Watt. "I **SAID** ..."
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call an Iraqi with 1500 girlfriends?
|
|
|
|
A: A shepherd.
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
|
|
|
|
A: In kinky, you use a feather. In perverted, you use the whole chicken.
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did the bee fly past Shell, Texaco, Exxon, Mobil and Sonoco?
|
|
|
|
A: Because he was an Esso Bee.
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Pain (n): Popping a boner and running out of skin.
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two men were hunting in the hills of Kentucky. Bo turned to Jim-Bob, after
|
|
taking a sip from his sixth beer of the hour, and said that he needed to step
|
|
into the bushes for a minute. So Bo walked out of sight and pulled out his
|
|
dick. Suddenly, a rattle snake slithered into sight! It coiled in defense,
|
|
as Bo froze - with dick still in hand. The snake, far from intimidated by
|
|
this small cylindrical object, struck and injected his poison into Bo's
|
|
staff. Bo cried and screamed until his Jim-Bob came to his rescue. After
|
|
rearranging the snake with a load of double-00, Jim-Bob calmed
|
|
Bo down and told him that he was going for help. So Jim-Bob wandered down
|
|
the holler to a small town. Finding a hand-cranked phone, he called the
|
|
nearest doctor and was told to cut two small incisions near the bite, and
|
|
suck the poison from the wound. Jim-Bob ran back up the holler to Bo - who
|
|
was by then quite distraught and nearly unconscious. Said Jim-Bob to Bo:
|
|
"The doc said ya'll gonna die."
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
When the Lord made Man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be
|
|
Boss. The Brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body,
|
|
he should be Boss. The Legs argued that since they took the Man wherever he
|
|
wanted to go, he should be Boss. The Stomach countered with the explanation
|
|
that since he digested all of the food, he should be Boss. The Eyes said that
|
|
without them, Man would be helpless, so they should be Boss. Then the Asshole
|
|
applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the
|
|
Asshole became mad and closed up. After a few days the Brain went foggy, the
|
|
Legs got wobbly, the Stomach got ill, and the Eyes got crossed and were
|
|
unable to see. So they all conceded and made the Asshole Boss.
|
|
|
|
This proves that you don't have to be a Brain to be Boss - just an Asshole.
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
My wife's a terrific housekeeper. I dirty a plate, she washes it immedi-
|
|
ately. I'm ready to drop a cigar ash on the floor, she has it picked up
|
|
before it even drops. The other night, I got up at three a.m. to get a
|
|
glass of juice. When I came back, the bed already had been made.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The circus leader was upset at the thought that his human cannonball act
|
|
would have to be scrapped. It seems the aging performer was losing his nerve
|
|
in the act. He went to the boss and quavered, "I don't think I am up to being
|
|
shot out of a cannon twice a day any more." "But you can't leave me," his
|
|
boss replied, "Where will I find another man of your caliber?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A man had to take a psychological test for a job he was applying for. The
|
|
psychologist drew a circle and asked, "What does this remind you of?" The
|
|
man thought for a moment and replied, "Sex." The psychologist drew a tri-
|
|
angle and asked the same question. Again the applicant answered, "Sex."
|
|
"And what about this?" asked the psychologist, drawing a square. "Sex," was
|
|
the man's answer. "Well," the psychologist said to him, "you certainly seem
|
|
to be obsessed with sex." "What do you mean I'M obsessed with sex?" the man
|
|
exclaimed, "You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer," quoted the pro-
|
|
fessor. "Maybe that's why we all flunked your last test," came an
|
|
anonymous retort from the rear of the lecture hall.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Business was bad, and the clothing store owner was out on the street trying
|
|
to drum up business. "You sir," he said to a prosperous looking man, "Surely
|
|
you could use a new suit." "Don't be silly," the man replied, "I have thirty-
|
|
two suits at home." "In that case," said the store owner, "bring them in and
|
|
I'll make you my partner."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
John was going to a Catholic boarding school. On the first weekend break he
|
|
went into town to check out the 'big city'. While he was in town he was
|
|
repeatedly propositioned by women on the street, saying, "Ten bucks for a
|
|
blow job." Upon returning to the catholic boarding school, he asked one of
|
|
the nuns, "Sister, what is a qwickie?" The sister promptly replied, "Ten
|
|
bucks - same as in town ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The Texas oilman had just finished lunch at an expensive restaraunt. He left
|
|
a modest tip, and was preparing to leave, when the waiter said, "You know,
|
|
sir, your daughter always leaves a larger tip than that." "That all right
|
|
for her," the financier growled, "She's got a rich father."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why does the LAPD leave the Dodgers game early?
|
|
|
|
A: They want to beat the crowd.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you tell if a jewish woman is a nymphomaniac?
|
|
|
|
A: She'll screw you the same day she has her hair done.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two rich texans, J.D. the rancher, and Bo the oilman, were inseparable
|
|
friends. One evening, they made a vow. Whichever one of them died first
|
|
would try to contact the other from the spirit world. Not long after that,
|
|
J.D. died. Bo was despondent, but he decided to start attending seances in
|
|
the hopes of talking to his lifelong friend. For months, he had no luck.
|
|
Then, it happened! He was at a seance when he heard his name called, "Bo,
|
|
Bo, are yew there Bo?" "J.D.," he replied excitedly, "J.D., is that yew?"
|
|
"Yes, Bo," the far-off voice said, "It's me." "J.D., where are yew?" Bo
|
|
asked, "What are yew doing?" "Wayull," the disembodied drawled, "I get up,
|
|
have something to eat, screw all morning long. Then it's lunch time, so I
|
|
have another bite, then I screw most of the afternoon, take a nap, and it's
|
|
time to eat again. I screw long into the night, and then I fall into a
|
|
peaceful sleep." "J.D.!" Bo cried, "Ya'll must be in heaven!" "Heaven?"
|
|
the voice sighed, "I'm a bull in Oklahoma ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There are three rules that men over 80 -MUST- remember:
|
|
|
|
1) Never waste a boner - even if you are alone.
|
|
|
|
2) Take a piss every chance you get.
|
|
|
|
3) And never, ever, trust a fart.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One night a guy got to the ballpark late. He saw three old ladies in the
|
|
stands - passed out with an empty bottle of booze beside them. Right away,
|
|
he knew the status of the game:
|
|
|
|
It was the bottom of the fifth and the bags were loaded.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Down in the crypts of St. Giles,
|
|
The screaming resounded for miles,
|
|
Said the vicar "Good Gracious,
|
|
"Has Father Ignatius,
|
|
"Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Doc," said the cannibal to the witch doctor, "I have terrible heartburn."
|
|
"What have you been eating?" said the witch doctor. "Alot of missionaries
|
|
with hooded robes and bald heads," said the cannibal. "How do you cook
|
|
them?" inquired the witch doctor. "I boil them in a big iron pot," said
|
|
the head hunter. "You idiot!" screamed the witch doctor. "Those aren't
|
|
boilers - they're friars!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
An avid Dallas Cowboys fan took his dog to a sports bar one Sunday afternoon
|
|
to watch the game. The bartender reluctantly let the dog in, and the pooch
|
|
sat quietly as the game progressed. When the Cowboys got a field goal, the
|
|
dog went crazy - barking, running in circles and doing back flips. "What
|
|
does he do when they score a touchdown?" the amazed bartender asked. "I
|
|
don't know," replied the owner. "I've only had him for two years."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Parking in the driveway after their first date, Steve leaned over and gave
|
|
Wendy a wet, passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his fly
|
|
and pulled her hand to his wang. Furious, Wendy opened the car door and
|
|
jumped out. "I've got just two words to say to you," she screamed, "DROP
|
|
DEAD!" "And I've got just two words to say to you," Steve screamed back.
|
|
"LET GO!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why were the gays able to evacuate San Francisco so quickly after the
|
|
earthquake?
|
|
|
|
A: Because they already had their shit packed.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Last summer a doctor and his family were at the beach having a good time.
|
|
All of a sudden the doctor spotted a dorsal fin sticking out of the water
|
|
and fainted. When he came to, his wife said, "You have to be less paranoid,
|
|
dear. That was only a shark. Stop imagining that there are lawyers every-
|
|
where."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A friend of mine drives to work on a long stretch of country road. One
|
|
morning, as she was driving to work, she hit a bunny rabbit crossing the
|
|
road. She immediately stopped to render aid to the bunny. The bunny was not
|
|
dead, only mildly stunned. Being the not so bright person that she is, she
|
|
decided that she might be able to spray perfume on the rabbit to stun him
|
|
back into shape. She rummaged through her purse to get the perfume and
|
|
sprayed it on the rabbit. Immediately the bunny jumped up on its hind legs
|
|
and began to wave its front paw. Satisfied that the bunny was okay, she
|
|
drove on to work. That afternoon, on the way home, she noticed the rabbit
|
|
was still waving. She shrugged and continued home. The next morning, the
|
|
rabbit was still there, waving. The experience was repeated the next
|
|
morning and evening. By that time she was quite puzzled and decided that
|
|
she should look in her purse to see exactly what it was that she had
|
|
sprayed on the rabbit. She took the bottle out of her purse and on the
|
|
label it read ...
|
|
|
|
"PERMANENT WAVE FOR DAMAGED HAIR"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Have you heard about the long-married man who found sex more enjoyable if
|
|
lay on his right side? It was the only position in which he could see the
|
|
television ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear that Marilyn Quayle does drugs? Yep, every once in awhile she
|
|
blows a little dope ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Between which two toes is a girl the most ticklish?
|
|
|
|
A: The two big ones.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Teacher: Ernest! Why are you late to class again?
|
|
Dirty Ernie: Sorry Miss, I've been down at the creek
|
|
sticking cherry bombs up frogs' asses ...
|
|
Teacher: Rectum, Johnny, Rectum ...
|
|
Dirty Ernie: Wrecked'em? Hell, I blew'em to fuckin' pieces!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Mommy, Mommy, can I have a spoon?"
|
|
|
|
"Why, dear?"
|
|
|
|
"Well, grandpa's been sick, and Robby got all the lumps ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two black guys pass each other on the street one morning. The first one
|
|
says, "Yo, mo'fucker!" The other one answers, "Mornin' Reverend."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
She's so fat, she's going to collapse into a black hole ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Once upon a time there was a snake and a rabbit that bumped into each other
|
|
in the woods. Both were blind. The snake started feeling the rabbit's fur
|
|
and said, "You are nice and soft, so you must be a rabbit." Then the rabbit
|
|
started feeling the snake and said, "And you are cold and slithery. You
|
|
must be a lawyer."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Once upon a time, a tomb was found in Egypt. First a team of British arche-
|
|
ologists went in; they came out after a week and announced, "This tomb is
|
|
over 3000 years old. It is the tomb of a pharoh, but we do not know which
|
|
one." Next an American team went in for two weeks and they reported much
|
|
the same; they too could not determine which pharoh it was. Finally a
|
|
Soviet team went in. After 20 minutes they came out and announced, "This
|
|
is the tomb of Ramses XXI!" The others were astonished and asked the
|
|
Soviets, "How could you tell which pharoh it was?" The Soviets answered,
|
|
"That was easy, he confessed."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Before 'perestroika' an American and a Soviet were talking about freedom
|
|
in their coutries. "In the United States," said the American, "you can go
|
|
right up to the White House gate and yell, 'The President is an idiot,'
|
|
and no one will do anything to you." The Soviet answered, "We also have
|
|
freedom of speech. In Soviet Union you can go right up to Kremlin wall
|
|
and yell, 'American President is idiot,' and no one will do anything to
|
|
you."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call an Iraqi with 30 sheep?
|
|
|
|
A: Pimp.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do a herd of sheep call an Iraqi?
|
|
|
|
A: Dad.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
To Be Tried On Acquaintances:
|
|
|
|
You: "I read a poll the other day that half of all people masturbate in
|
|
the shower, and the other half sings. Do you know what they sing?"
|
|
|
|
Their Standard Answer: "I don't know."
|
|
|
|
Your Witty Reply: "I was wondering why your hand was calloused."
|
|
"No wonder you need glasses ..."
|
|
(etc).
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call 6 Iraqi's with a sheep?
|
|
|
|
A: A gang bang.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What does an Iraqi woman call a sheep?
|
|
|
|
A: Competition.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The Aggie coach, in front of a stadium-full of loyal fans at College
|
|
Station, asked a top academic player to demonstrate his prowess. "Tell
|
|
our fans what 8 plus 1 equals," said the coach. The Aggie player scratched
|
|
his head, "ummed" and "uhhed", and said "Nine." Seventy thousand Aggie fans
|
|
sat stunned for a minute. Then, in unison, the grandstand called out, "Try
|
|
again!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
|
|
|
|
A: Right where you left it.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
An aggie went into a public restroom stall, and <slowly> read a sign there
|
|
that said, "Don't put anything but paper in this bowl." So he shit on the
|
|
floor.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do elephants do when they are bored?
|
|
A: Put springs on their feet and bounce up into the trees to rape monkeys.
|
|
|
|
Q: What is the most terrible thing for a monkey to hear?
|
|
A: SPROING ... SPROING ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
HOW TO KILL A SOUTH DAKOTA EEL
|
|
|
|
Little Johnny and the other boys his age were hearing quite a bit
|
|
about dating from the older boys, and wondering what it was all about and
|
|
how it was done. One day, Johnny decided to take these questions to his
|
|
mother who became quite flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny,
|
|
she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older
|
|
sister and her boyfriend. The next morning Johnny explained *EVERYTHING* to
|
|
his mother:
|
|
|
|
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off
|
|
most of the lights and they started to hug and kiss. I figured sis must
|
|
have been getting sick, because she started looking funny. Her boyfriend
|
|
must have thought so too, because he put his hand up her shirt to find her
|
|
heart, just like a doctor would - except he is not as smart as a doctor,
|
|
because he had trouble finding her heart.
|
|
|
|
"I guessed that her boyfriend must have been getting sick too, because
|
|
pretty soon they were both panting and out of breath. His other hand must
|
|
have been getting cold because he put it up her skirt. About this time, she
|
|
got worse; she began to moan, squirm around and slide down towards the end
|
|
of the couch. I knew she had a fever because she said she was feeling hot.
|
|
|
|
"Then I found out what was making them so sick - a big eel had gotten
|
|
into her boyfriend's pants. It jumped out of his pants and stood there, about
|
|
10 inches long. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting
|
|
away. When sis saw it she got scared, and her mouth fell open to call God
|
|
and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest she had ever seen. I
|
|
thought I should tell them about the ones down at the lake ...
|
|
|
|
"All of a sudden, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it's
|
|
head off. But it must have bit her back back because, after a few minutes,
|
|
she started making noises. So, she grabbed it tight with both hands while
|
|
her boyfriend put a muzzle on it to keep it from biting her again. Sis laid
|
|
back and spread her legs so that she could put a scissor-lock on it, and
|
|
he helped by laying on top of the eel.
|
|
|
|
"The eel put up one hell of a fight. Sis started to moan and scream.
|
|
I guess that they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After
|
|
a while both quit moving and gave out a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and
|
|
sure enough, they killed it. I knew it was dead because it just hung limp
|
|
there and some of it's insides were hanging out.
|
|
|
|
"Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the battle, but they went at it
|
|
again. They started to kiss and hug again. I guess that eels are like cats,
|
|
with nine lives or something, because the eel got up and started to fight
|
|
again. This time sis tried to kill it by sitting on it. They finally killed
|
|
it - I knew it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel it's
|
|
skin off and flushed it down the toilet."
|
|
|
|
Little Johnny's mother fainted.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why should every son to go into debt for his father?
|
|
|
|
A: Because his father went into the hole for him.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Guy walks into a bar and sets an alligator on the bar. He bets the bar-
|
|
tender a free drink that he could open the alligator's mouth, stick his
|
|
dick in and count to ten very slowly. The bartender said, "Yeah, I'll take
|
|
that bet." So, the guy unzipped his pants, pulled out his dick, layed it in
|
|
the gator's mouth and counted to ten. The bartender was astounded, "I can't
|
|
believe that! Hell, if there is anyone else in the bar who will do that,
|
|
I'll buy them a drink too." Whereupon a little guy in the back said, "I'll
|
|
do it, but I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
KOTEX is not a radio station in Texas!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
In the upper class, AIDS is spread primarily through the unprotected
|
|
exchange of Grey Poupon between consenting limousines ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day, a lady visited her doctor for a physical exam. While the doctor
|
|
was examining her, she sneezed. Her eyes rolled up into her head; she
|
|
started shaking and jerking violently. After she returned to normal, the
|
|
doctor said, "What happened to you?" She said, "Oh, every time I sneeze I
|
|
have an orgasm." The doctor asked her, "Are you taking anything for it?"
|
|
The lady replied, "Yes. Ragweed."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
|
|
|
|
A: A cherry float.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How can you tell a Jewish American Princess has had an orgasm?
|
|
|
|
A: If she drops her nail file.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day a rich woman, dressed to the teeth, was forced to use the public
|
|
bus when her chauffeur became ill. She sat next to an old Italian lady.
|
|
After a few moments of obvious sniffing, the old lady said, "Hey lady,
|
|
you smell good! What's that smell?" The rich lady haughtily answered,
|
|
"I'll have you know that's 'Joy' - $95 an ounce." A few moments passed
|
|
and the italian lady let out a long, gurgling, smelly fart. The rich
|
|
woman recoiled in horror and gasped, "What's that smell!?" The Italian
|
|
lady answered, "I'll have you know that's broccoli - 79 cents a bunch."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Last year a group of Libyan terrorists hijacked a planeload of lawyers.
|
|
They said that they'd release one every hour unless their demands were
|
|
met.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
WORKMAN'S COMPENSATION CLAIM
|
|
|
|
Dear sir:
|
|
|
|
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In
|
|
block #3 of the accident reporting form, I put "LOST PRESENCE OF MIND" as
|
|
the cause of the accident. You said in your letter that I should explain
|
|
more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.
|
|
|
|
I am a brick layer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
|
|
alone on the roof of a six-story building. After completing my work, I
|
|
discovered that I had about 500 pounds of unused bricks. Rather than
|
|
carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by
|
|
using a pully, which was fortunately attached to the side of the building
|
|
at the sixth floor.
|
|
|
|
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
|
|
out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and
|
|
untied the rope (holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500
|
|
pounds of bricks). You will note in block #11 of the accident reporting
|
|
form that I weigh 135 pounds.
|
|
|
|
Due to my surprise at being jerfed off the ground so suddenly, I "LOST MY
|
|
PRESENCE OF MIND" and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
|
|
proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
|
|
|
|
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel comong down. This
|
|
explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly,
|
|
I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right
|
|
hand were two knuckles deep into the pully.
|
|
|
|
Fortunately, by this time I had regained my "PRESENCE OF MIND" and was able
|
|
to hold tightly to the rope inspite of the pain. At approximately the same
|
|
time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out
|
|
of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed
|
|
approximately 50 pounds.
|
|
|
|
I refer you again to my weight in block #11. As you might imagine, I began
|
|
a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third
|
|
floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured
|
|
ankles and the laceration of my legs and lower body.
|
|
|
|
This encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when
|
|
I fell into the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were
|
|
cracked.
|
|
|
|
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks - in pain,
|
|
unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above - I again
|
|
lost "PRESENCE OF MIND" and let go of the rope.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Having just received a great promotion, John was excited about his new
|
|
position, new status and new office. He was checking through the desk
|
|
vacated by his predecessor when he came upon a letter, attached to three
|
|
envelopes, made out to him. The letter told him that if he got into trouble
|
|
he should open the first envelope. "Make sure you open them in order and
|
|
only if there is a real emergency," warned the letter. John laughed but
|
|
filed the envelopes away. Sure enough, within a month he felt the heat and
|
|
decided to give envelope number one a chance. He opened it and it said,
|
|
"Blame your predecessor!" So John went to his boss and told him how the bum
|
|
he had replaced had messed things up and that it would take him time to get
|
|
things back on track. And, with hard work, he did get the problems resolved.
|
|
Everything went fine for several more months before, once again, all hell
|
|
broke loose. In desperation, John opened the second letter. It advised him
|
|
to "Reorganize!" So John went to his boss and told him the solution would
|
|
mean a drastic reorganization. After this was done relative calm prevailed.
|
|
But the day inevitably came when another disaster struck. With trembling
|
|
hands, John opened the third, and final, envelope. The advice? "Make up
|
|
three more envelopes!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
An American, traveling on a train in Europe, met a Cuban tobacco grower,
|
|
a Russian vodka distiller and a lawyer. While they were talking business,
|
|
the Cuban took out four cigars and passed them around. After lighting his
|
|
own cigar, the Cuban took one drag and then threw it out the window,
|
|
explaining that cigars were of no consequence in his country since there
|
|
was such an abundance of them. After dinner, the Russian passed out bottles
|
|
of vodka. After taking just one swig, he threw the bottle out the window,
|
|
explaining that vodka was of no consequence since, in Russia, it was so
|
|
plentiful. The American businessman sat in quiet contemplation for several
|
|
minutes then arose and threw the lawyer out the window.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Once upon a time, an elephant was walking through the jungle. Unfortunately,
|
|
he walked right into a pool of quicksand. He panicked, and started thrashing
|
|
all around and yelling for help. Well, as great luck would have it, a monkey
|
|
was nearby. The monkey heard all the commotion, so he came over. "Elephant!"
|
|
said the monkey, "Don't thrash about so; you'll float if you just stay still.
|
|
I'll go get help to get you out." The elephant thought, "Now what is a little
|
|
monkey going to do for me?" But he laid still and, sure enough, he stopped
|
|
sinking into the quicksand. After awhile, the monkey came back in a BMW. He
|
|
took a vine off a tree, tied it to the BMW's bumper, and gave the end to the
|
|
elephant. With that, he pulled the elephant out of the quicksand and saved
|
|
his life!
|
|
|
|
Some time later, the monkey was swinging through the tree when his grip on
|
|
the vine slipped, and he fell right into some quicksand. He too panicked,
|
|
and started yelling and thrashing. Just as you'd know it, the elephant was
|
|
walking nearby, and heard the commotion. "Monkey, monkey!" cried the ele-
|
|
phant, "Don't flail around. Lie still, and I'll find a way to save you."
|
|
The monkey laid still and stopped sinking into the quicksand. The elephant
|
|
noted that the quicksand pool wasn't very wide. "Monkey, the quicksand
|
|
isn't very wide. I'll just straddle it. You reach up and grab ahold of me,
|
|
and I'll pull you out!" The monkey did as he was told, and his life was
|
|
saved.
|
|
|
|
The moral of the story is this: If your dick's big enough, you don't
|
|
need a BMW!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Bob lost his dick in a horrible traffic accident. Fully recovered
|
|
except for the use of "Mr. Happy," late one night he was watching TV.
|
|
During the commercial break an ad came on for "Doctor Smith's Miracle
|
|
Penis Replacement Clinic." The next day, Bob rushed to the clinic.
|
|
"Doctor," he begged, "I need to get a new dick." The doctor informed
|
|
Bob that the demand for newer, bigger and better dicks was so great that
|
|
all he had left were baby elephant trunks. But Bob was desperate, he didn't
|
|
hesitate to undergo the experimental surgery. Six months later, fully
|
|
healed and rehabilitated, Bob finally had the confidence to ask a lady
|
|
out to dinner. As they were eating dinner, this thing came out from under
|
|
the table, grabbed a biscuit, and darted back underneath the table. The
|
|
girl saw this and thought to herself, "If that happens again, I'm going
|
|
to have to say something." A few minutes later the thing came out from
|
|
under the table and grabbed another biscuit, so the lady said, "Bob, I
|
|
don't know what that is, but if it keeps taking my food, I'm calling a
|
|
cab!" Bob replied, "You're mad? Hell, it keeps stuffing the biscuits up
|
|
my ass!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a 250 pound woman with a yeast infection?
|
|
|
|
A: A Whopper with cheese.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day a enviromentalist went to a greengrocers and began anxiously
|
|
looking over the produce. "Can I help you madam?" asked the shopkeeper.
|
|
"Yes, I was looking for some fruit," replied the enviromentalist, "Have
|
|
these oranges been treated with any poisonous fertilizers or weedkillers?"
|
|
"No, sorry, but you'll have to get that from the chemist's."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
BUMPER STICKER
|
|
|
|
(Seen on a truck in Southern Alberta,)
|
|
(where cattle ranching is Big Business)
|
|
|
|
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
|
|
³ And the Angel spake unto the shepherds: ³
|
|
³ ³
|
|
³ "Get the hell outta here - this is cattle country!" ³
|
|
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties?
|
|
|
|
A: To keep the foreskins from covering up their faces.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Do you know why Iraqi high schools can't offer driver's ed and sex ed in
|
|
the same year?
|
|
|
|
A: The camels can't take the pressure.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Late one night, an 80 year old man was about to make love to his beautiful,
|
|
young girlfriend. The petite nymphet noticed that the old man was wearing a
|
|
condom: "You don't have to wear that," said the young girl. "I'm on the
|
|
pill." "You don't understand," said the old man. "Dampness irritates my
|
|
arthritis."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
THE DEFINITION OF EGO
|
|
|
|
An female elephant was having an awful time in the jungle because a horsefly
|
|
kept biting her near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.
|
|
She kept swinging her trunk, but the fly was far out of reach. A monkey
|
|
observed this and suddenly swung down and slapped the horsefly flat. "Oh,
|
|
thank you! That was such a relief," said the elephant. "My pleasure,
|
|
ma'am," said the monkey. "Listen, Mr. Monkey, if there's anything I can
|
|
ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask." The monkey hesitated. "Well,
|
|
ma'am ..." he said. "What is it? You needn't be shy with me." "Well, the
|
|
truth is that all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant."
|
|
"Go right ahead," said the elephant. "Be my guest!" So the monkey swung
|
|
around behind the elephant and began to fuck away. Up above them, a baboon
|
|
was peeping from a cocnut tree and began to get very excited; he started
|
|
to beat off. In his excitement the baboon shook a coconut loose. The coco-
|
|
nut fell from the tree, hitting the elephant smack on the head. "RE-eeee-
|
|
OOOHH!" the elephant trumpeted in pain. At which point, the monkey looked
|
|
over from behind the elephant and asked, "Am I hurting you, dear?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute with diarhea and a corn
|
|
farmer with epilepsy?
|
|
|
|
A: The corn farmer shucks between fits.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Forty Miles in The Saddle"
|
|
|
|
By Major Assburns
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One Sunday, a lady went to a priest to confess. She said, "Father, I went
|
|
out with a boy last night - and he took off my blouse and my bra." The priest
|
|
took off her blouse and bra and said, "Like this?" "Yes, that dirty bastard!"
|
|
replied the girl. "Child, don't say things like that!" exclaimed the priest.
|
|
|
|
Girl: "Then he touched my breasts!"
|
|
Priest (touching breasts): "Like this?"
|
|
Girl: "Yes, that dirty bastard!"
|
|
Priest: "Child! I said not to say that!"
|
|
|
|
Girl: "Then he took off my skirt and panties."
|
|
Priest (removing the items): "Like this?"
|
|
Girl: "Yes, that dirty bastard!"
|
|
Priest: "Child, please!"
|
|
|
|
Girl: "Then he put it in me!"
|
|
Priest (putting it in her): "Like this?"
|
|
Girl: "Yes, that dirty bastard!"
|
|
Priest (eyes cast skyward): "Lord forgive her ..."
|
|
|
|
Girl: "Then he gave me V.D!"
|
|
Priest: "That dirty bastard!!!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the guy who had his whole left side cut off! Don't worry;
|
|
he's all right ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The tent revival was in its fifth long night, and religious fervor was at a
|
|
peak when the normally taciturn Farmer John jumped up and ran down the aisle,
|
|
sobbing and with tears streaming down his face. The preacher met him with
|
|
outstretched hand and John bawled, "Preacher, I been a sinner!" "Tell it all,
|
|
John!" hollered the preacher, to the congregation's delight. "I been doin'
|
|
terrible things, Preacher," said John, and the congregation AMENed loudly.
|
|
"Drinkin' and everything ... I even cheated on my taxes!" "Tell it all,
|
|
John!" the preacher bellowed even louder, gripping the penitent John about
|
|
the shoulders. With the congregation providing loud vocal support, John
|
|
continued to recite his sins. "I been having ... you know, sex fantasies,"
|
|
he said, and the congregation swooned with a loud AMEN, and the preacher
|
|
hoarsely repeated his demand. Emboldened, John went on, "... and I been
|
|
visitin' the cathouse over in Hog Holler..." And with each revelation, the
|
|
murmuring excitement of the crowd got louder, and the preacher's exhorta-
|
|
tions grew more insistent that John `tell it all!' Caught up in the frenzy,
|
|
and the approval of his audience, John hollered, "... and I been screwin' my
|
|
mule!" There was instant and absolute silence in the tent. No one even
|
|
coughed, as John blinked and looked about in bewilderment. The preacher
|
|
leaned close to the confessor's ear and whispered, "Damn if I'da tol' that,
|
|
John ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What is the difference between a shithead and a brown-noser?
|
|
|
|
A: Depth perception.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A young boy came home from school one day and told his mother that he began
|
|
a sex education class that day. His mother hit the ceiling and said,
|
|
"There's gonna be no sex education as long as you live in this house.
|
|
Get upstairs and stay there until your father comes home!" So, the boy
|
|
went up to his room. Later, the old man came home and asked, "Where's the
|
|
boy?" His wife replied, "I'm punishing him up in his room. He says he
|
|
started taking a class in sex education class in school today." Enraged,
|
|
the father stormed up the stairs and burst into the boy's room where the
|
|
boy was lying on the bed masturbating. The father said, "Listen you, when
|
|
you're finished with your homework I want to talk to you!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between humans and computers?
|
|
|
|
A: With a computer you put software into hardware ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day when Ernie was about six, before he learned about being dirty, he
|
|
was pestering his mom while she tried to do the housework. She said, "Why
|
|
don't you go across the street and watch them building the new apartments?
|
|
Maybe you will learn something ..." So Ernie left. When he came back two
|
|
hours later, his mother asked him what he had learned. Ernie replied, "Well,
|
|
first you put the goddamn door up. Then the sonofabitch doesn't fit, so you
|
|
have to take the cocksucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off
|
|
each side and put the motherfucker back up!" Ernie's mother was shocked.
|
|
"Young man, you march yourself upstairs right this minute! Just wait until
|
|
your father gets home!" When Ernie Sr. got home, little Ernie's mother
|
|
called him downstairs and demanded that he tell his father what he had
|
|
'learned' that day. When little Ernie had finished his story, his father,
|
|
steam coming from his collar, said, "Ernie go outside and get me a switch."
|
|
So Ernie replied, "Get fucked! Thats the electrician's job!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One night, the Queen of England was giving a state dinner for the president.
|
|
After enjoying a rich and sumptuous meal, and during the after dinner chit-
|
|
chat, the president accidently let loose a terrific fart that shook the
|
|
chandeliers. He started turning red, and cautiously looked around hoping
|
|
nobody had noticed the stagnant oder of romano cheese in the air. Unfortu-
|
|
nately, the Queen did. She frowned and said, "One never farts before the
|
|
Queen!" The president said, "I'm sorry your majesty, I didn't know it was
|
|
your turn ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
During the last recession a banker was going to committ suicide by jumping
|
|
off a bridge. As he leaned on the guardrail, he heard a far away voice
|
|
saying, "Do-o-o-on't ju-u-u-ump!" He looked around, but saw no one, so he
|
|
climbed up on the edge of the bridge and prepared to dive. Again he heard
|
|
the voice "Do-o-o-on't ju-u-u-ump!" This time he looked down and saw,
|
|
hidden in the shadow of the underpass, an incredibly old, and scaggly
|
|
woman. "Why not?" he yelled. "I'm in ruin: My company's bankrupt, my wife
|
|
has left me, my daughter's a groupie ..." he rambled on for some thirty
|
|
minutes. "Sonny, you shouldn't be thinking about suicide," she yelled
|
|
back. "Whatever your problem, I can solve it for you. You see, I'm a witch.
|
|
All you have to do is eat me and I'll solve all your problems!" The thought
|
|
of eating the old hag was revolting, but the banker figured he had nothing
|
|
to lose, so he climbed down off the bridge and made his way down the offramp
|
|
and ran quickly to the witch. He threw her down, tore off her rags, and
|
|
proceeded to give her a thorough tongue lashing. After a few moments of
|
|
this, the old hag began to shake and quiver. The banker noticed that she was
|
|
convulsed with laughter. He said, "What are you laughing at?" She answered,
|
|
"Sonny, aren't you a bit old to be believing in witches?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One night in Londonderry, an Irishman and an Englishman parked their cars
|
|
side-by-side in a pub parking lot. The Irishman had a rusted-out 1954
|
|
Morris 1000; the Englishman, a new Rolls-Royce. The Irishman, in drunken
|
|
awe asked, "Shore and t'ats a mighty fine-lookin' motor car you aff, sor.
|
|
If you please, whot does a man aff to do to 'et a car like that?"
|
|
The Englishman snootily replied, "I work for Cunard." Slurred the Irishman,
|
|
"I wohk fohkin' `ard, too!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the polish lesbian? She liked men ..
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between like and love?
|
|
|
|
A: Spit and swallow.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Late one scorching day in old New Mexico, the Lone Ranger rode up to a bar,
|
|
dismounted and tied up Silver. He was sitting at the bar, enjoying a well-
|
|
earned drink, when his faithful sidekick ran in. "I think Silver is over-
|
|
heated," Tonto exclaimed. "What should I do?" "Well, go out and stir up a
|
|
good breeze by running circles around him," the Lone Ranger calmly replied.
|
|
A few drinks later, a stranger approached the Lone Ranger: "Does that big,
|
|
white horse out there belong to you?" "Yes, why?" said the Lone Ranger.
|
|
"Wehl," drawled the cowboy, "yuh left the injun runnin'."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
|
|
|
|
A: You would too if your name was "U-u-u-urd-urj."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There once was a bird who hated saying 'goodbye' so much, he waited until
|
|
the last minute to fly south for the winter. When he finally did leave, it
|
|
was so cold that his wings iced up and he fell to the ground on a nearby
|
|
farm. He was cold and very depressed and thought he was going to die then
|
|
and there. After awhile, a cow wandered by and shit on the bird. The bird
|
|
he was becomming warm, and could move around, so he began to sing. A nearby
|
|
cat heard the singing, and dug the bird from inside the pile of shit, and
|
|
ate him. There are exactly three morals to this story:
|
|
|
|
(1) Not everybody who shits on you is your enemy.
|
|
(2) Not everybody who takes shit off you is your friend.
|
|
(3) When you are in something warm and wonderful,
|
|
keep your big mouth SHUT !!!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
My girlfriend is so fat ("HOW FAT IS SHE?"), that when she sits on my
|
|
motorcycle, you can't hear the engine!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A scientist, after years of failed attempts, finally made a clone of him-
|
|
self. The clone was exactly like him; it liked the same foods, read the
|
|
same books, liked the same T.V. shows, etc. The one difference was that the
|
|
clone was terribly obscene. Every other word it uttered was an obscenity.
|
|
The scientist quickly grew tired of this, because it created embarrassing
|
|
situations everywhere they went. So, the scientist took the clone up to the
|
|
top of a cliff and pushed it off. Unfortunately, though, a policeman saw him
|
|
do this, and the policeman rushed up to him and said, "You're under arrest
|
|
for murder!" "But it wasn't a person I just pushed off the cliff. It was
|
|
just a clone," replied the scientist. "Well," the policeman said, "you're
|
|
still under arrest for making an obscene clone fall."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you get when you cross a one-legged mongoloid with a polack?
|
|
|
|
A: A polaroid one-step!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The telephone company put out a tender for the installation of telephone
|
|
poles. Three groups applied. A group of newfies (canadian polacks), a group
|
|
of jews, and a group of italians. Since there are three groups, the tele-
|
|
phone company decided to run a contest between them to see which one could
|
|
install the most telephone poles in an eight hour day. All three groups went
|
|
out and, in the evening, came back to report. "How many telephone poles did
|
|
you install?" the telephone executive asked the jews. "Oh, we installed 27
|
|
today," they said. "Very good," the executive said. "How many telephone
|
|
poles did you install?" the executive asked the italians. "Oh, we installed
|
|
24 today," they said. "Good, but not as good as the jews," said the execu-
|
|
tive. "How many telephone poles did you install?" the executive asked the
|
|
newfies. "Oh, we installed five today," a newfie said proudly. "I don't
|
|
understand this," the executive said, "The jews installed 27, and the
|
|
italians 24. How is it that you only installed five?!" "Well sir," the
|
|
newfie continued, "look at how much of the telephone poles they left above
|
|
the ground ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two yuppers got lost while hunting in the woods. One turned to the other and
|
|
said, "Grandpa Sven always said that if you are lost, you should fire three
|
|
shots in the air. It's a distress signal, and someone will come to rescue."
|
|
So the second yupper fired three shots. They waited for awhile, and when no
|
|
one came the first yupper told his friend, "Fire three more shots." Again
|
|
no one came. Again, the first yupper told his friend, "Fire three more
|
|
shots." The second yupper replied, "I can't. I ain't got no more arrows."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Pollack were stranded on a desert island
|
|
when an ancient ruby and emerald studded bottle washed up on the beach.
|
|
They found the bottle and removed the cork, and WHOOSH! a genie flew out of
|
|
the bottle, and agreed to give them each one wish as a token of 'thanks' for
|
|
releasing him. The Englishman thought a moment and said "I wish I were back
|
|
in England." WHOOSH! the Englishman vanished from the island and was
|
|
returned to England. The Frenchman though a moment and said "I wish I
|
|
were back in France." WHOOSH! the Frenchman vanished from the island and
|
|
was returned to France. The Pollack thought for a moment and said "Gee I'm
|
|
gonna miss those guys. I wish they were back ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why are all Jewish men circumcised?
|
|
|
|
A: Jewish women demand 10% off everything.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why are people so fragile?
|
|
|
|
A: They were made with only one screw.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A Baptist minister and a Jewish rabbi were seated next to one another in the
|
|
first class section of an airplane. The stewardess approached them and asked
|
|
what they wanted to drink. "I'll have a martini," said the rabbi. "How about
|
|
you, sir?" the stewardess asked the miniser. "You should ask me, a man of
|
|
God, that my lips should touch alcohol? Why, I'd sooner commit adultry!"
|
|
The minister said indignantly. The rabbi waved at stewardess, "Hold the
|
|
martini! I didn't know we had a choice ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A Pole, a Jew, and a Mexican were in Kuwait, and all three were killed.
|
|
They all went to hell, where the Devil told them "I'm havin a REAL busy
|
|
day here guys, and frankly I don't have time to take care of you properly.
|
|
Tell ya' what, give me $5 each and I'll send you right back where you came
|
|
from." The Pole promptly paid the $5 and found himself back in the war zone,
|
|
where he ran to report to his company commander. The CO was curious, of
|
|
course, as to where the other two guys were. To which the Pole replied,
|
|
"Well, when I left, Goldstein was trying to talk him down, and Lopez was
|
|
looking for a co-signer ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A Brit and a Scot where standing on a corner talking when an Irishman walked
|
|
up. "You know what," said O'Brien, "I just went into that pub over there,
|
|
ordered a pint, and played some darts. When I walked out of the pub the
|
|
barkeep told me to pay up. So I told him I paid when I got my pint. He
|
|
didn't do anything to me, so I got a free drink!" Smyth-Jones, the Brit,
|
|
liked the idea so much he went into the pub and did the same thing the
|
|
O'Brien did. An hour later Smyth-Jones came out and told the Irishman, and
|
|
MacGregor, that the barkeep didn't give him any trouble either. So MacGregor
|
|
decided to try too. He walked into the bar and ordered a pint. As MacGregor
|
|
talked to the barkeep, the barkeep mentioned the two blokes who walked out
|
|
without paying. MacGregor asked the barkeep why he did nothing. The barkeep
|
|
said, "I'm not looking for trouble." MacGregor replied, "Well it's getting
|
|
late - if you'll give me my change, I'll be heading home ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Three bums - Dusty, Jake and Loner - were walking down some railroad tracks
|
|
when Jake stops and asked the other two, "Hey, did either of you guys shit
|
|
in your pants?" Dusty and Loner both replied, "Not me Jake." "Well, I smell
|
|
shit, and I think it's coming from one of you guys," said Jake. They walked
|
|
a little further before Jake turned to Loner and asked, "Are you SURE you
|
|
didn't shit in your pants?" "Well Jake," said Loner, "don't ya' think I'd
|
|
know if I shit in my pants?" With that, Jake knocked Dusty to the ground,
|
|
untied his rope belt and pulled down his overalls. Right there in the
|
|
middle of the seat of his pants was a flattened out shit, lookin' like a
|
|
big old dried out brown pancake. "I thought you said you didn't shit in
|
|
your pants!" cried Jake. "Ohhh," replied Dusty, "I thought you meant
|
|
TODAY ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Who's the most popular guy on the nude beach?
|
|
A: The guy that can hold 12 donuts with no hands.
|
|
|
|
Q: Who's the most popular girl?
|
|
A: The one that can eat them all ... Without using her hands!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why are pool tables green?
|
|
|
|
A: If you had your balls racked, you'd be green too.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's 6 inches long, has a head on it, and makes women go wild?
|
|
|
|
A: Money.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: If a man with a million dollars is a millionaire, what is a woman with
|
|
a million dollars?
|
|
|
|
A: Married.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why are dogs better than kids?
|
|
|
|
A: When you get sick of your dog, you can put it to sleep.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do barkeeps in Ireland cry at funerals.
|
|
|
|
A: Lost revenue.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
After six months prospecting for gold, a miner visited the local trading
|
|
post desperate for a woman. "Nothing much around here," the storekeeper
|
|
told him, "only the odd squaw, or old Joe the stablehand." "Can't take
|
|
no injun wimen, sure as hell ain't taking no man," the parched miner croaked
|
|
in disgust as he stamped out the door. Three months later, the miner was
|
|
back, was made the same offer, and again refused. By his third visit, the
|
|
miner was absolutely determined to find some sex. "Listen," he told the
|
|
storekeeper, "I ain't got no time to go searching for no injun wimen.
|
|
I'll have to settle for old Joe." "Cost you thirty dollars," the store-
|
|
keeper replied, "Thats ten for me, ten for old Joe, and ten for the cook."
|
|
Feeling cheated, the miner said, "What the hell does the cook have to do
|
|
with it?!" "Well," continued the storekeeper, "it takes two of us to hold
|
|
old Joe down. You see, old Joe ain't too keen on men either ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How does a french whore hold her liquor?
|
|
|
|
A: By the ears.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. Why do Italians talk with their hands?
|
|
|
|
A. Because their breath could take the curl out of your pubic hair.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's Green and red and goes a thousand miles an hour?
|
|
A: A frog in a blender.
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you get when you add milk?
|
|
A: Frog-nog.
|
|
|
|
Q: What happens when you drink Frog-nog?
|
|
A: You croak.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench in Miami when a flasher
|
|
came by, and well, flashed. The first woman had a stroke, the second one had
|
|
a stroke, and the third one's arms were too short ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A guy, who just joined the Foreign Legion was sent to North Africa. After
|
|
three months of sleeping in the trackless wastes, he started getting sex
|
|
hungry. So he asked his captain, "What do people do to satisfy their needs?"
|
|
"Well," the captain relied, "See that hut over there? At night go stick your
|
|
dick in there." So, that night, the guy went out to the hut and stuck his
|
|
dick through the wall. A pair of warm lips wrapped around his member, and he
|
|
proceeded to get the blow job of his life! This went on for a week before,
|
|
one night, nothing happened. So the guy went to the captain and asked him
|
|
what the problem was. "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you," said the captain,
|
|
"it's your turn to go into the hut ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Spots On The Wall By Hu Phlung Poo
|
|
Hawaiian Love Song By Comonwiwanalayya
|
|
Russian's Revenge By Hoyoudon Kutchercockoff
|
|
Chinese Population Explosion By Wi Phucom Yung
|
|
Revenge of the Jungle Tiger By Claude Balls
|
|
The Disappointed Old Maid By Dickie Small
|
|
Sailor Beware By Don Bendover
|
|
The Open Kimono By Seymore Hare
|
|
The Protruding Pajama Leg By Lotta Dicks
|
|
The Yellow Stream By I.P. Daily
|
|
By A Waterfall By U.P. Standing
|
|
The Ruptured Japanese By Hung Low
|
|
The Flip Dizzy Hawaiian By Lacka Nookie
|
|
The Bride's First Night By Peter B. Kyne
|
|
Blood On The Picnic Ground By Buster Cherry
|
|
The Sex Mad Russian By Ivantor Titsoff
|
|
The Anxious Moment By R.U. Cummin
|
|
The Old Fashioned Way By Ilene Back
|
|
The Rooster's Mistake By Rhoda Duck
|
|
Rip In The Matress By Mr. Completely
|
|
The Self-Made Man By Peter Long
|
|
The Sixty-Ninth Romance By E.R. French
|
|
Back To Back By Will E. Tyrn
|
|
Love Thy Own Self By O.E. Pullit and Howie Pullit
|
|
Vacation In France By Hugo Down
|
|
Paree', I Give My Life To Thee By Ben Eaten
|
|
The Great Rubber Failure By Iva Child
|
|
The German's Favorite Spot By Herr Bottom
|
|
The Ideal Husband By John Henry Everhard
|
|
How To Reduce A Fat Woman By Ryder Moore
|
|
Birth Control By Iona Syringe
|
|
Teen Mother By Pasteur Period
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There was once a rich man who knew that, within a month, he would die
|
|
of cancer. So he invited three of his best friends, an engineer, a doctor,
|
|
a lawyer, to a bequest. The dying man said, "I have worked hard for my
|
|
entire life, for money, and as such I have decided that I want to be buried
|
|
with it. However, since the state prohibits all objects from being placed
|
|
in the casket, except for the deceased and one set of clothing, I will
|
|
need your help." He continued, "Therefore, I will give each of you $1
|
|
million. On the day of the funeral, each of you will approach the casket
|
|
and secretly throw the money into the casket." The three friends took
|
|
the money and left. A month later, after the funeral, the three remaining
|
|
friends gathered at a bar to drown their sorrow. The engineer broke the
|
|
silence and said, "I have to confess. Times have been hard lately, so I
|
|
kept $10,000 for myself. I can't believe that I was so weak, I'm truly
|
|
sorry ..." The doctor, moved by his friend's confession, also spoke up.
|
|
"I've also betrayed our friend's memory," he sobbed. "My wife wanted
|
|
another BMW, so I took out $40,000 ..." After they settled down, both
|
|
the engineer and the doctor looked at the lawyer, who had yet to reveal
|
|
any indiscretions. The lawyer immediately got indignant at the stares he
|
|
was getting and said, "Don't think that because I am a lawyer that I would
|
|
rip him off like you two did." He continued, "I did my part - I threw in
|
|
a check for the full $1 million."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day a indian squaw came across a new water well that had some of the
|
|
best water that she had found. She collected some of the water and took it
|
|
back to her husband. The Squaw said, "I have found new well with good water.
|
|
Have some." Her husband responded, "Me very thirsty; let me taste water."
|
|
He gulped the water down and said, "Water very good, but strong brave
|
|
husband still thirsty. Squaw fetch more water." The squaw fetched more
|
|
water from the new well, returned some time later, and said, "Here is more
|
|
water for brave husband." Her husband replied, "Big brave very thirsty,"
|
|
as he gulped down the water. He then said, "Water very good, but strong
|
|
brave -still- thirsty. Squaw fetch more water." So the squaw went back to
|
|
the well, returned some time later, and said to her husband, "I could not
|
|
get more water for brave husband." Her husband responded, "Why is that? Has
|
|
new well already gone dry?" The squaw replied, "No, white man sitting on
|
|
well."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Harold suspected his wife of playing around on the side, so one day he took
|
|
the afternoon off and comes home extra early. He entered his apartment,
|
|
which was on the 3rd floor, and started looking around. Upon entering the
|
|
bedroom he found his wife laying in bed. On her nightstand was a lit ciga-
|
|
rette. In the ashtray on his nightstand, on the other side of the bed,
|
|
there was another lit cigarette. Harold went beserk. After beating his wife
|
|
upside the head, he proceeded to search the apartment. It was not long
|
|
before he spotted a pair of hands hanging on the window sill, outside
|
|
the bedroom. He grabbed one of the ashtrays and pounded on the hands until
|
|
the battered fingers let go. Despite falling thirty feet the cuckold was
|
|
still alive and trying to crawl away. Now worried that he might go to jail
|
|
if his wife's lover lived to tell the police, Harold ran into the kitchen
|
|
and pushed the refrigerator into the bedroom and out the window. He was
|
|
so worked up, and the refrigerator was so heavy, that the effort of
|
|
pushing it out the window gave poor Harold a heart attack, and he died.
|
|
|
|
When Harold arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked Harold what had
|
|
happened to him. Harold told his story, and Peter let him in. Soon there-
|
|
after a second guy showed up for admission to Heaven. When St. Peter asked
|
|
him why he was there, he said "I don't know what happened, I was a window
|
|
cleaner. I was working on the fifth floor of an apartment building when
|
|
my safety strap broke and I fell. I caught myself on the ledge of a 3rd
|
|
floor apartment. Then somebody smashed my hands and made me fall to the
|
|
sidewalk. I was stunned, but okay. The next thing I know, I look up and
|
|
there is a refrigerator coming down at me ..." He too was allowed in.
|
|
It was not long before a third potential angel approached the gates.
|
|
St. Peter asked the third guy, "What happened to you?" The guy said,
|
|
"I don't know. I was sitting in this refrigerator minding my own
|
|
business ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Dear Mr. Smith,
|
|
|
|
We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model
|
|
and represent our product - TROJAN CONDOMS. Although your general apearance
|
|
is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feel that your wearing our pro-
|
|
duct does not portray a positive, romantic image of our product. A loose,
|
|
baggy and wrinkled condom is not considered romantic. We did admire your
|
|
efforts to firm it up by using polygrip, but even then it slipped off
|
|
before we could get a photograph taken. We would like to note, however,
|
|
that we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle grip until now.
|
|
|
|
We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will
|
|
retain your application for future consideration, if by some chance we
|
|
decide there is a market for micro-mini condoms. We send our greetings
|
|
deepest sympathy to your wife and/or girlfriend.
|
|
|
|
Very truly yours,
|
|
|
|
Jack Meoff
|
|
President
|
|
|
|
P.S. Remember our slogans: "Cover your stump before you hump."
|
|
"Don't be silly, protect your willy."
|
|
"Before you attack her, wrap your whacker."
|
|
"If you are not going to sack it, go home
|
|
and whack it."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How can you keep from being bitten by a tsetse fly?
|
|
|
|
A: Keep your tsetse covered at all times!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What did Princess Grace have that Natalie Wood could have used?
|
|
|
|
A: A stroke.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
After the football game, an Aggie went out with his friends for beers and
|
|
maybe to get a piece of ass. He came back with a chunk of skin ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Bill and I went golfing the other day. We were in the middle of the sixth
|
|
fairway when stopped in midswing and took off his hat in deference to a
|
|
funeral procession that was passing by. Usually, he just played on ignoring
|
|
all distractions. Impressed with his behavior, I did the same. When the
|
|
procession had passed, I asked him, "Bill, that was damn respectful of you
|
|
to pause for a procession like that. Why the unusual behavior?" "It's the
|
|
least I could do for my wife ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do tampons have strings?
|
|
|
|
A: So that the crabs can go bunji jumping.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There once was a dumb blonde who went to see her doctor. When the time came
|
|
for the pelvic exam, he nearly fell in. You see, she thought she was
|
|
suppossed to have three hearty -males- per day ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did all the other Iraqis laugh at Hakim when they caught him fucking
|
|
a sheep?
|
|
|
|
A: Because he picked one of the ugly ones.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What is the first warning sign of old age?
|
|
|
|
A: When you've been in bed all night with a woman and the dawn comes, but
|
|
you haven't.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's jello?
|
|
|
|
A: Kool aid with a hard-on.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you sneak up on a celery?
|
|
|
|
A: Stalk.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the tight end who was sentenced to a prison term? When
|
|
he was paroled he was a wide receiver.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did God create man?
|
|
A: Because you can't teach a dildo to cut the lawn.
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did create woman?
|
|
A: Because you can't teach a sheep to cook.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
An polack walked into a travel agency and demanded the special Hawaiian
|
|
tour. The travel agent said, "I'm sorry, I handle Caribbean cruises. Hawaiin
|
|
tours are just through the door." So the polack opened the door. As he was
|
|
walking through the door, someone hit him over the head, knocking him uncon-
|
|
cious, stole his wallet, and threw him in the dumpster. Later that day,
|
|
an aggie walked into the same travel agency and asked for the same Hawaiian
|
|
tour. Again, the travel agent explained that he handled cruises and sent
|
|
the aggie to the office next door. As soon as the aggie opened the door,
|
|
he got the same treatment. When the polack and the aggie woke up, they found
|
|
themselves floating in the middle of the ocean on a small raft. The aggie
|
|
looked at polack and asked, "I wonder if they'll fly us back?" The polack
|
|
responded knowingly, "They didn't last year ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
I have nothing against Michael Jackson, but if my son ever goes around
|
|
wearing just one glove, he better be playing baseball!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
If you jogged backward would you gain weight?
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Since the Post Office implemented mandatory random drug testing, not one
|
|
carrier has tested positive for speed ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Ever notice that when the doorbell rings, the dog's the first one to the
|
|
door, but it's never for him?
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One morning, the county sheriff was having a cup of coffee at the donut shop,
|
|
when all of a sudden a kid on a tricycle zoomed down the street. The sheriff
|
|
was so startled he spilled coffee all over himself, but the tricycle was gone
|
|
before anything could be done; it had been going at least 50. Later that
|
|
afternoon while the sheriff was enjoying a nap behind a billboard, the
|
|
same boy zoomed by again, doing about 70. The sheriff was again startled,
|
|
but decided he ought to do something before the kid sideswiped a semi.
|
|
So the sheriff set up a speed trap. No sooner had the sheriff finished,
|
|
than the kid came screaming down the sidewalk about 80! The sheriff spun
|
|
gravel and hauled ass after the speeding tricycle. The kid immediately
|
|
pulled over. "Did ya'll know thah ya'll wus SPEE-ding?" drawled the sheriff,
|
|
"And how did ya'll git thah tri-CEE-cle tuh go thah fast anyway?" The little
|
|
boy replied, "There's a little motor under the seat." "Like hail!" said
|
|
the sheriff, who proceeded to look under the seat. "Wuhl I'll be damned!"
|
|
said the sheriff, "Whuh did ya'll git such a pow-ful little mohtuh?" "I got
|
|
it from an artificial lung," said the boy. "Ya'll papa let ya'll do thah?
|
|
Didn't he have a thing tuh say 'bout thah?" "No," said the boy, "He just
|
|
said 'U-u-u-u-uhhhhh ...'"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs:
|
|
|
|
In a butcher shop? Chuck.
|
|
In the mail? Bill.
|
|
On a circuit board? Chip.
|
|
In a hole? Phil.
|
|
On the wall? Art.
|
|
(Two guys) on a window sill? Curt & Rod.
|
|
Lying in a pile of leaves? Russel.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you do with a legless dog?
|
|
|
|
A: Take him for a drag.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Three gays are driving around San Francisco, when they had to stop for a
|
|
red light. Unfortunately, the large semi-trailer behind them burned out
|
|
his breaks on the steep downgrade and slammed into the back of the gays'
|
|
car. Bruce, the gay who was driving, looked at his buddies and asked if
|
|
they were okay. One friend, Harvey, complained of a sore neck. So Bruce
|
|
jumped out of the car, stormed up to the truck, and pounded on the door
|
|
saying, "I hope you've got good insurance buddy, my friend is really hurt!"
|
|
The truck driver, a real road hog, rolled down the window and said, "Suck
|
|
my motherfucking dick, you faggot!" Bruce just smiled and pranced back to
|
|
his car. "We're in luck fellas," said Bruce, "he wants to settle out of
|
|
court ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why was Liberace buried with his ass sticking out of the ground?
|
|
|
|
A: So his friends could drop by for a cold one.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do Rock Hudson and Len Bias have in common?
|
|
|
|
A: They both died of a bad case of crack.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Bill the Cat
|
|
|
|
_ __/|
|
|
\'o.O'
|
|
=(___)=
|
|
U
|
|
; '
|
|
'
|
|
'
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A young man, in love with a girl he wanted to make love to, was so ashamed
|
|
of his small penis that he was afraid of bringing up the question, or of
|
|
letting her see him naked. One dark night he drove her around in his car
|
|
and parked in a dark lane. As they kissed, he surreptitiously opened his
|
|
fly and put his weapon in her hand. "Thanks," she said, "But you know I
|
|
don't smoke."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
BANANA CAKE RECIPE
|
|
|
|
Ingredients:
|
|
|
|
2 laughing eyes
|
|
2 loving arms
|
|
2 well shaped legs
|
|
1 large banana
|
|
2 firm milk containers
|
|
1 fur lined mixing bowl.
|
|
|
|
Method:
|
|
|
|
1. Look into laughing eyes
|
|
2. Spread well shaped legs apart
|
|
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently
|
|
4. Add banana and gently work in and out until well greased
|
|
5. Cover with nuts and sigh with relief.
|
|
|
|
Note:
|
|
|
|
The cake is done when the banana is soft. Make sure to wash utensils and
|
|
do not lick the bowl.
|
|
|
|
Important:
|
|
|
|
If the cake starts to rise, leave town.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One night, Luke Duke picked up Daisy at the bar. They were on their
|
|
way to the local lover's lane when a traffic light changed from green to
|
|
red. Luke gunned the engine and sped through the red light. Curious, Daisy
|
|
asked, "Why did you do that?" Luke just said, "Don't worry, my brother does
|
|
it all the time." At the next intersection, the light changed again. Again
|
|
they sped through it. Daisy, starting to reconsider the wisdom of being in
|
|
the same vehicle as Luke, asked, "Why do you keep doing that?" "Don't
|
|
worry," replied Luke, "my brother drives like this." At the next inter-
|
|
section, the last one in the town with a light, the light turned green.
|
|
As all the other pick-up trucks started moving, Luke screeched to a rubber
|
|
burning halt. Daisy, by now in a panic, screamed, "What are you doing?!"
|
|
Replied Luke, "I have to be careful; my bother might be coming the other
|
|
way ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Do you have a brain, or is that just a walnut stuck in your skull?
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One night at a bar in San Francisco, a sailor and marine, both on shore
|
|
leave, started arguing about which service was better, who could drink more,
|
|
who had the bigger dick, etc. Well, needless to say, the bartender stepped
|
|
in and said, "Okay, let's settle this once and for all; whip em' out!" So
|
|
the two guys whipped their dicks out and laid them on the bar. Just then
|
|
a fag walked in. The bartender told the two guys to hold on for a sec while
|
|
he served the fag. The bartender asked the fag what he'd have. "Well, I was
|
|
going to have a white wine spritzer," the fag lisped as he looked down
|
|
the bar at the two guys with their cranks hanging out, "but now I think
|
|
I'll have the buffet."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Well, I went and did it. I called one of those 1-900 phone sex lines. The
|
|
call wasn't all that bad; just one bad side-effect: I had one hell of an
|
|
ear infection the next day!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One night three vampires entered a bar. When the bartender asked them what
|
|
they would like to drink, the first vamipire said he wanted a pint of blood,
|
|
the second vampire said that he too would have a pint of blood, and the last
|
|
vampire said he'd have a pint of plasma. The bartender took a step back and
|
|
said, "Let me see if I got this right. That's two bloods and a blood-lite?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
TELECOMMUNICATIONS DICTIONARY
|
|
|
|
Term Definition.
|
|
----- ---------------
|
|
Modem ................. What landscapers do to dem lawns.
|
|
Token Ring ............ A virtual engagement gift.
|
|
Ethernet .............. A device for catching the Ether Bunny.
|
|
DataPac ............... A size 14 girl in a size 8 bikini.
|
|
Asynch ................ A place to wash your hands.
|
|
Bysnch ................ The place where Elton John washes his hands.
|
|
BBS ................... Tall tales told by insects that produce honey.
|
|
ASCII ................. The ancient god of telecommunications. Rumored to
|
|
give vast amounts of data to believers. Hence,
|
|
the phrase "ASCII and you shall receive."
|
|
Block Parity .......... One heck of a good time.
|
|
Carrier Detect ........ Raison d'etre for premarital blood tests.
|
|
File Transfer ......... Procedure followed by INFORMATION CENTER staff who
|
|
are tired of their present jobs.
|
|
Hayes Compatible ...... Prone to riding with a grizzled old cowhand who
|
|
sings off-key. Gene Autry is the industry standard.
|
|
Serial Interface ...... A spoon.
|
|
Terminal Emulation .... A function performed by a canary that lays on its
|
|
back with its legs in the air.
|
|
X-Modem ............... A device on the losing end of an encounter with
|
|
lightning.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There is no ice in the Texas A&M cafeteria because the aggie with the recipe
|
|
graduated ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day, Little Saddam was riding his donkey when and he pulled into the
|
|
donkey store and said to the owner, "Hey, can you check the asshole on my
|
|
donkey?" The guy in the store looked at the donkey's asshole and said,
|
|
"There's nothing wrong, why did you think there was?" "Well," said Little
|
|
Saddam, "I was riding along minding my own business when two shieks said
|
|
`look at the asshole on that donkey.'"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why are lawyers buried 24 feet deep?
|
|
|
|
A: Because deep down they're nice people.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the accountant who was half Jewish, and half Polish? He
|
|
embezzled the accounts payable ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
I have found the perfect woman,
|
|
I could not ask for more,
|
|
She is deaf, dumb, oversexed,
|
|
And she owns a liquor store.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Three yuppers, Sven, Ole and Karl, were sitting in a boat fishing.
|
|
It was a grey autumn morning, a light drizzle fell from the skies and the
|
|
lake reflected like the color of old pewter. The fishermen became dazed,
|
|
hypnotized by the mesmerizing act of watching thier lines. Karl fell out
|
|
of the boat. Five minutes went by ... Ten minutes went by ... Fifteen
|
|
minutes went by ... "Hey," said Sven, "where's Karl?" "Oh My God!" cried
|
|
Ole, "He's fallen into the lake!" So Sven stripped off his raincoat and
|
|
heavy jacket and leapt into the water, diving frantically to find his
|
|
missing pal. A minute later, Sven surfaced and heaved the limp and dripping
|
|
wet lost fisherman into the boat. Ole immediately began CPR. "Hey," said Ole
|
|
as he came up for air, "I don't remember Karl's breath being -that- bad."
|
|
"Hey," scowled Sven, "Come to think of it, I don't remember Karl being
|
|
dressed in a snowmobile suit either ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
An eight year old girl tried checking a book out of the library, titled
|
|
'Advice for Young Mothers.' The librarian, being a typically nosey and
|
|
puritanical librarian, asked, "Why do you want to check out this particular
|
|
book, dear?" The little girl replied, "Because I collect moths."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two maintenance men, Pat O'Brien and Ivan Petrovich were working around on
|
|
the launch pad of the space shuttle one day, when Pat noticed some fuel
|
|
leaking from one of the o-ring seals. Ivan immediately notified mission
|
|
control, which instructed Ivan and Pat to try to contain the fuel spill
|
|
until NASA could figure out what else to do. So, Pat and Ivan started
|
|
putting buckets, cans, jars, and whatever else they could find, under the
|
|
leaking engines. After several hours (it took the NASA bureaucracy -long-
|
|
time to figure out who to blame) Ivan decided to taste the fuel.
|
|
|
|
Ivan: "Hey, Pat! Take a sip of this shit. It ain't half-bad."
|
|
|
|
Pat: "Are you crazy?"
|
|
|
|
Ivan: "No, really. It's kinda like vodka or something."
|
|
|
|
Pat: "Hey, you're right! This -is- good stuff ..."
|
|
|
|
Ivan: "Yea, and I think I'm getting a good buzz off it too ..."
|
|
|
|
So, Pat and Ivan continued to consume their new-found source of entertain-
|
|
ment. The fuel spill was quickly disposed of. The next morning, Ivan got a
|
|
phone call.
|
|
|
|
Ivan: "Hello?"
|
|
|
|
Pat: "Hey Ivan, how are feeling?"
|
|
|
|
Ivan: "Pretty good, actually. I don't have a hangover or nuthin'!"
|
|
|
|
Pat: "Have you gone to the bathroom yet?"
|
|
|
|
Ivan: "No, why?"
|
|
|
|
Pat: "Because I'm calling you from Australia ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a fat Chinese girl?
|
|
|
|
A: A chunk.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How are jello and woman alike?
|
|
|
|
A: They both wiggle when you eat them.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One night a travelling salesman found that he had stayed on the road
|
|
too long, and that he was stranded in the middle farm country with no place
|
|
to sleep. Naturally, he sought refuge at the nearest farm house. The farmer
|
|
agreed to let him stay, but only as long as "you don't sneak upstairs to my
|
|
daughter's room." The salesman promised but, as with all travelling sales-
|
|
men, he found it hard to resist the lure of a farmer's daughter.
|
|
|
|
In the middle of the night the salesman crept up the stairs to the
|
|
daughter's room, where he found her naked, spread-eagled on the bed. The
|
|
salesman immediately dove between her legs and started eating her out. He
|
|
had just gotten his tongue wet, when he got a mouthful of rice. Undeterred,
|
|
he spit out the rice and resumed his tongue lashing. Once again, he got
|
|
a mouthful of rice. Puzzled, but still horny, he started eating her out
|
|
again. When he got another mouthful of rice, and still no response from
|
|
the daughter, the salesman gave up and went back to bed.
|
|
|
|
The next morning the salesman told the farmer, "I have to confess:
|
|
Last night I went up to your daughter's room." "That's okay son," replied
|
|
the kindly, old farmer. "And I have to confess that I had oral sex with
|
|
her," continued the salesman. "I ain't got a quarrel with that, son,"
|
|
replied the kindly, old farmer. "But I have just one question," concluded
|
|
the salesman, "Why is it that every time I ate her, I kept getting a mouth-
|
|
ful of rice?" "Oh that?" said the kindly, old farmer, "Them's maggots -
|
|
she's been dead ten years."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb??
|
|
|
|
A: Two - One to do it, and one to write a sensitive folk song about it.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
After months of scrimping and bargain hunting to make ends meet, a woman
|
|
begged her tight-fisted husband to give her some shopping money. "Can't you
|
|
just give me an extra ten dollars so I can buy a roast?" she asked. Her
|
|
husband pulled a ten-dollar bill from his pocket and held it up to the
|
|
mirror. "See the money in the mirror? That's yours. And this," he said,
|
|
putting the ten-spot back in his pocket, "is mine." The next evening, he
|
|
went home to find the table filled with a Roman feast of glazed ham, stuffed
|
|
hens, fresh fruit, steaming veggies, baked alaska, etc, etc, etc. "Where
|
|
did you get the money for all this?" the husband barked. His wife took him
|
|
to the mirror. "See this body in the mirror? That's yours. And this one," she
|
|
said, pulling off her dress, "is the grocer's."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Once upon a time, a man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie
|
|
appeared. The genie offered him one wish (he was a stingy genie). "I want
|
|
to be rock hard and get plenty of ass for the rest of my life," said the
|
|
man. So the genie turned him into a toilet.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
RIDDLE
|
|
|
|
Q: A man is in the middle of a basketball court, bleeding from the temple,
|
|
and unconscious. How did it happen?
|
|
|
|
A: Bill Laimbeer elbowed him ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
At a football game between Southern Methodist and Notre Dame, two Texans,
|
|
Bo and Jimbob, were seated behind two nuns. Bo said to his friend, "I can't
|
|
wait to get back to Dallas. There are only ten Catholics there." "I can't
|
|
wait to get back to Houston. There are only five Catholics there," replied
|
|
Jimbob. This went on for quite some time before one of the nuns finally lost
|
|
her temper and hissed, "Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any catholics
|
|
there!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
You were so ugly as a kid that, on Halloween, your mother put peanut butter
|
|
around your lips and sent you out as an asshole!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A young lady went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor started looking
|
|
her over and noticed a rash, in the shape of a "Y," on her chest. When he
|
|
asked her to explain its origin, she stammered, "Well ... you see ... uh
|
|
... my boyfriend goes to Yale, and ... er ... well, he likes to make love
|
|
with his sweater on." "That's no problem," said the doctor, as he gave her
|
|
a tube 'Rash-Away.' A few days later, a second young lady went to see the
|
|
same doctor. When the doctor started examining the second young lady, he
|
|
noticed she had an "H"-shaped rash on her chest. When he asked her to
|
|
explain its origin, she stammered, "Well ... you see ... uh ... my boy-
|
|
friend goes to Harvard, and ... well, he likes to make love with his
|
|
sweater on." "That's no problem," said the doctor, as he gave her a tube
|
|
of 'Rash-Away.' A few weeks later, a third young lady went to the same
|
|
doctor. When the doctor started checking her over, he noticed she had an
|
|
"M"-shaped rash. "Don't tell me," said the doctor, "Your boyfriend goes
|
|
to Michigan and he likes to make love with his sweater on ..." "Well, not
|
|
exactly," said the woman. "My girlfriend goes to Wisconsin and ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO DETROIT
|
|
|
|
One day ima go to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Igo down to eat breakfast. I
|
|
tella the waitress, "I wanna two piss's toast." She bring only one piss. I
|
|
tella her, "I wanna two piss." She say, "Go to the toilet." I say, "You no
|
|
understand. I wanna two piss in my plate." She say, "You better no piss on
|
|
the plate, you sonnamabitch!" I don't even know the lady and she call me a
|
|
sonnamabitch! Later, I go to eat lunch at a fancy restaurant. The waitress
|
|
bringa me a spoon ana knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She
|
|
tellsa me, "Everybody wanna fock." I tella her, "You no understand. I wanna
|
|
fock on the table." She say, "You better not fock on the table, you sonnama-
|
|
bitch!" So I go back to my room in the hotel, and there's no sheet on my
|
|
bed! I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to
|
|
the toilet, so I say, "You no understand, I wanna sheet on the bed." He
|
|
say, "You better not sheet on the bed, you sonnamabitch!" I finally fedda
|
|
up and go to check out. The man at the desk, he say, "Peace to you." I say,
|
|
Piss onna you too, you sonnamabitch! I go back to Italy ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why does an elephant have four feet?
|
|
|
|
A: Because he would look stupid with eight inches.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the best thing to come out of a dick?
|
|
|
|
A: The wrinkles.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One weekend, a yupper and an aggie were arguing about who had the best way
|
|
of folding a parachute. They finally decided the best way to judge would be
|
|
to go up in a plane, jump out, and see which parachute performed better.
|
|
So they both went up and jumped out of the plane at the same time. The yupper
|
|
pulled his ripcord first; the parachute opened and he began drifting slowly
|
|
towards the ground. Then the aggie pulled his ripcord, but nothing happened!
|
|
The aggie plummeted past the yupper. Cutting his parachute risers, the
|
|
yupper yelled, "Oh, so you wanna -RACE- now, eh?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you get when you cross a polack and a mexican?
|
|
|
|
A: A kid who spraypaints chainlink fences.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There was a young lady from Sidney,
|
|
Who liked it right up to her kidney,
|
|
A man from Quebec,
|
|
Shoved it up to her neck,
|
|
He had a big one, now didn't he?
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
SHE HAD PLENTY OF LIFE INSURANCE.
|
|
UNFORTUNATELY, HER PIMP DIED.
|
|
|
|
Today, almost every hooker understands how important it is to have life
|
|
insurance. The streets can get pretty rough. But what if your pimp is
|
|
offed? Who's going to find you new johns? Who's going to supply your smack?
|
|
Clearly, his loss would create financial hardships for you and the two
|
|
mulatto kids he left behind. With Metropolitan Street Life's new "WHORE
|
|
PLUS PLAN," a prostitute can get permanent insurance protection that pro-
|
|
vides door-to-door Cadillac service, up to three fixes daily, and a big,
|
|
bad motherfucker with a gun - just as if your main man was still around.
|
|
What do we ask in return for a safe future? 50% of the action. That's pro-
|
|
bably a better deal than he gave you. And we won't beat you upside the head.
|
|
|
|
METROPOLITAN STREET LIFE INSURANCE COMPANIES
|
|
|
|
"Professionals Helping Professionals"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the two little old ladies feeding pigeons in the park?
|
|
Suddenly, a streaker flashed past! One little old lady had a stroke, the
|
|
other wasn't quick enough ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two women were sitting next to each other, under the hair dryers in a beauty
|
|
shop. One turned to the other and said, "Tell me, do you and your husband
|
|
have mutual orgasm?" The other woman said, "Oh no, we have State Farm."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two polack junkies, shooting up heroin in a back alley, kept passing the
|
|
same needle to each other. After awhile, one polack said, "Hey, what we're
|
|
doing is a high risk activity for aids!" The other replied, "Don't worry,
|
|
we're wearing condoms."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day, a lady walked into a Sears store and asked for a hinge for her
|
|
door. "Do you want a screw for this hinge?" inquired the clerk. The lady
|
|
looked around the store and replied, "No, but I'll screw you for that
|
|
oven ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Frank Zappa on Rock Stars:
|
|
|
|
"All you have to do today, is grab yer guitar, hold it like its your
|
|
weenie, aim it heavenward and play everything you can in 30 seconds."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
You don't buy beer, you rent it ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Harry went to a doctor to have his knees examined. "What are you doing
|
|
that's making your knees so raw?" asked the doctor. "Well ... I like to
|
|
do it doggie style, doc, and ... well ... I just can't get enough," answered
|
|
Harry. Concerned, the doctor advised Harry to "Take it a little easier."
|
|
Two weeks later, Harry went back for a follow-up exam; his knees were even
|
|
worse - dripping puss and blood. Aghast, the doctor had a hard time con-
|
|
trolling his temper. "What the hell are you doing?" said the doctor. "I told
|
|
you doc," Harry meekly replied, "I love to do it doggie style." The doctor,
|
|
his anger spent, said, "Damn, son, can't you turn her over?" Surprised,
|
|
Harry replied, "Hell no doc, have you ever smelled a dog's breath?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two travelling salesmen, Jack and Bob, were driving through along a
|
|
desolate stretch of Kansas highway when their car broke down. It was getting
|
|
late, and the only building for miles around was a weather-battered old gas
|
|
station a mile up the road. Jack and Bob went up to the adjacent trailor and
|
|
knocked on the door. A knarled, old, baggy-titted widow answered the door.
|
|
"Ma'am," said Jack, "Our car broke down. Do you think we could stay here
|
|
tonight?" "Well," said the widow, "I only have one bed. One of you can sleep
|
|
with me, but the other will have to sleep on the porch. Y'all decide who
|
|
sleeps where ..."
|
|
|
|
Jack and Bob both knew that whoever slept in the widow's bed would have
|
|
to screw her ugly, gnarled body, so they flipped a quarter to see who got
|
|
the dubious honor. Bob lost and so he slept on the porch. Jack tentatively
|
|
crawled under the sheets. The widow lost no time tearing Jack's clothes off
|
|
(something he had conveniently neglected to do). "Wait a minute," said Jack,
|
|
"I like to do it in the dark." The widow agreed and so Jack got up to turn
|
|
out the lights. That was when he noticed a bucket full of corn beside the
|
|
bed. When he crawled back under the covers, Jack grabbed an ear of corn and
|
|
started screwing the widow with it. Thw widow, being rather 'wide,' did not
|
|
notice the difference - she started moaning and screaming. Bob, sleeping
|
|
outside, heard all the commotion and crept up to the window so he could
|
|
better hear the action.
|
|
|
|
Inside, every time the corn got soggy, Jack threw it out the window.
|
|
The widow, who hadn't had a man in decades, was insatiable and so the corn-
|
|
screwing went on all night. The next morning, their car repaired, Jack and
|
|
Bob were driving along, when Bob started giggling. "What's so funny?" asked
|
|
Jack. Bob started guffawing. "What the hell is so funny?" shouted Jack. Bob,
|
|
finally regaining control of himself, said, "Last night while you had to
|
|
screw that ugly widow, I was a laying back eating buttered corn!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
If pro is the opposite of con, then congress is the opposite of ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A maid arrived at work one day to find Leona Helmsley hanging from the
|
|
ceiling, with one hand grasping the chandelier, and the other clenched
|
|
tightly around her throat. Under her dangling feet was an overturned chair.
|
|
Her tongue was blue and protruding. She was obviously dead. As the coroner
|
|
took the deceased Leona away, the maid said to a paramedic, "She always was
|
|
a cheap bitch ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the whale found on the beach? I was listening on the
|
|
radio the other day when I heard that the Sea World veternarian had deter-
|
|
mined the cause of death to be AIDS. The vet said that he couldn't figure
|
|
out how a whale had come down with such a disease. The only conclusion he
|
|
could draw was that it must have been rammed by a ferry ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Marvin was the world's oldest virgin. After years and years of putting ads
|
|
in singles' papers and enlisting in dating services, he was nearly penni-
|
|
less. In desperation, he went to a whorehouse. "Lady," Marvin said to the
|
|
madam, "I'm desperate. I need to get laid - and all I got is this quarter!"
|
|
The madam, like all madams, had a heart of gold. She said, "I'm here to
|
|
help you. Go see the girl in the last room ... And keep the change." So,
|
|
Marvin went down the hall to the last room. There he found a fat, ugly
|
|
whore, naked, spread-eagled on the bed. But Marvin didn't care, he just
|
|
wanted to screw. So, he tore off his clothes and dove between her legs.
|
|
Marvin had just begun to the eat out the whore when he got a mouthfull
|
|
of beef. So intent was Marvin on getting laid, he thought nothing of it;
|
|
he spit out the beef and resumed tongue lashing the whore. A minute later
|
|
Marvin got a mouthfull of carrots. Even though he was starting to get a
|
|
little worried, Marvin was still more horny than worried - he spit out
|
|
the carrots and returned to eating the whore. Within seconds, Marvin got
|
|
a mouthfull of peas. Spitting out the peas he yelled, "What's the matter?
|
|
Are you sick or something?" "No," replied the whore, "but the guy before
|
|
you was ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Some notes on friends:
|
|
|
|
1) You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
|
|
pick your friend's nose!
|
|
|
|
2) You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
|
|
roll your friends into little green balls!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A Scotsman was on a fishing trip in the northwoods of Canada. "What's that
|
|
over yon'?" the Scotsman asked of his guide. "That's a moose, eh," said the
|
|
guide. "Aye!" exclaimed the Scotsman, with raised eyebrow. "If that be a
|
|
moose, I'd be sure an to hate to see your rats!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A man named Smith stopped by the doctor's office to see what the doc found
|
|
wrong with Mrs. Smith. The doctor told Mr. Smith that he had treated two
|
|
Mrs. Smith's that day, and that the secretary had mixed up their records.
|
|
"Your wife," continued the dcotor, "either has AIDS or Alzheimer's." Mr.
|
|
Smith asked, "How do I tell which one my wife has?" "Take her out in the
|
|
woods," said the doctor, "and leave her there. If she finds her way back
|
|
home, don't screw her."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
|
|
|
|
A: Add a scoop of ice cream and some root beer.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young
|
|
charges, and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grow up. A
|
|
twelve year old said, "I want to be a prostitute." The Mother Superior
|
|
fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head
|
|
from the ground and gasped, "What-did-you-say?!" The young girl shrugged,
|
|
"I want to be a prostitute." "A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said. "Oh
|
|
praise sweet Jesus! And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you double the price of a yugo?
|
|
|
|
A: Fill up the gas tank.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The foreman at the sawmill wasn't eager to hire the blind man because of
|
|
the obvious risks involved, but the guy begged for a chance. "You'll see,"
|
|
he said. "Just put me downstream of the saw and and I'll smell the type and
|
|
length of the lumber and stack it accordingly."
|
|
|
|
So the foreman agreed to give it a shot. Positioning the blind man, he
|
|
sent down a twelve-foot piece of pine. "Ahhh ..." said the man, breathing
|
|
in deeply, "pine, twelve-foot." And he stacked it in the right place. The
|
|
foreman repeated the test with oak and redwood, fir and mohagony, and the
|
|
blind guy didn't miss once. Then, getting a sly look on his face, the fore-
|
|
man sent for the office secretary, old Mabel, and told her to hike up her
|
|
skirts and ride down the conveyor belt.
|
|
|
|
Mabel rode through, faceup, right past the blind man. Sniffing furiously
|
|
and looking very puzzled, he asked that the last piece of wood be sent
|
|
through again. The foreman complied, but not before telling Mabel, skirt
|
|
still up, to turn over. After a few moments of reflection, the blind man
|
|
turned to the foreman with a with a triumphant smile. "I've got it!" he
|
|
proclaimed, "That's the shithouse door from a tuna boat!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Carpenter's Joke
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the house that the two lesbians built? Not a single stud
|
|
was used. It was all tounge and groove.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
|
|
|
|
A: No one cries when you slice up a lawyer.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did they stop the leper baseball game?
|
|
|
|
A: Someone dropped a ball in left field.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Advice is like bullshit - everyone wants to give you a load of it.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day, three baby boys were born in the hospital, at the same time, and
|
|
the nurses got them mixed up. They were Jewish, Polish and German. Everyone
|
|
stood around wondering how to sort them out, when the German father stepped
|
|
forward, clicked his heals, and shouted, "Achtung!" The german baby jumped
|
|
up, threw his hand in the air, and replied "Seig Heil!" The Jewish baby shit
|
|
his diapers and the Polish baby played in it.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the hardest key to turn?
|
|
|
|
A: A don-key.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How does a male octopus ask a female octopus to marry him?
|
|
|
|
A: Can I have your hand, your hand, your hand, your hand ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
It's cute when a two-year old kid spits jello at you - It's not cute when
|
|
your 98-year old great-grandmother spits jello at you ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There once was a guy named Benny. He was sitting in the bleachers at Fenway
|
|
one day when Wade Boggs hit a homerun. He told the guy next to him, Eddie,
|
|
that he knew everyone. Eddie seriously doubted this and bet twenty dollars
|
|
Benny did not know Wade Boggs. So, after the game, they went to the club-
|
|
house where the great third baseman shook Benny's hand and invited him out
|
|
for beers. Eddie was impressed, but not satisfied; he bet $1000 that Benny
|
|
did not know the President of the United States. So, Benny and Eddie went
|
|
to the White House, where the President invited them to a State Dinner
|
|
honoring the Queen of England. Eddie was astonished! Still he was doubtful
|
|
that Benny knew -EVERYONE-. He bet a million dollars that Benny did not know
|
|
the Pope. So, Benny and Eddie went to St. Peter's Square in Rome. There the
|
|
Pope was saying mass for 100,000 people. Benny walked up and stood behind
|
|
the Pope. After the mass, just as the Pope embraced Benny warmly, Benny
|
|
noticed Eddie fainting. Benny rushed over to Eddie and woke him up with
|
|
smelling salts. "What happened Eddie?" Benny asked. Eddie replied, "I was
|
|
surprised when you knew Wade Boggs, and shocked when you knew the President,
|
|
but when a guy tapped me on the shoulder and asked, 'Who is that guy with
|
|
Benny?'..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. I get no respect -
|
|
my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
I call my dog Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: On what side of a building does the sun always shine?
|
|
|
|
A: The outside.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What did the parakeet say when he finished shopping?
|
|
|
|
A: Just put it on my bill.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
She was so ugly, that when she worked in a pet store people kept asking
|
|
how big she would get ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why does it take a turkey less time than an elephant to get ready for
|
|
a trip?
|
|
|
|
A: Because he only takes his comb, and the elephant takes a trunk.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A budget is a plan for going broke methodically.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
I tell ya' I get no respect. I was making love to this girl and she started
|
|
crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said,
|
|
"No - I hate myself NOW ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the Italian who found a new way to cover up the smell
|
|
of his breath? He holds up his arms ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
My Grandmother always had a twinkle in her eyes. Turns out it was
|
|
cataracts ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What state is most like a tiny cola?
|
|
|
|
A: Minne-soda.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
I was tired one night, so I went to a bar to have a few drinks. I tell ya'
|
|
I get no respect. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" When I said,
|
|
"Surprise me," he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The hillbilly wedding ceremony had just concluded. The groom thrust his hand
|
|
into the pocket of his tattered overalls and asked the preacher what he owed
|
|
him. "In these here parts, we don't charge for no hitchin', but you kin pay
|
|
accordin' to your bride's beauty," the preacher beamed. So, the groom handed
|
|
the preacher a dollar bill. Whereupon, the preacher raised the bride's veil,
|
|
took a look and dug into his own pocket. "Here's fifty cents change."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
John and Mike entered the Boston Marathon. After they'd been running for
|
|
awhile, they were passed by another runner. "I know that guy," John said,
|
|
"That's Bill Rodgers - he won the race a couple of years ago." A few minutes
|
|
later, another racer passed them with long, loping strides. "And that was
|
|
Grete Waitz!" John exclaimed. Just then, ambulance sirens began to wail in
|
|
the distance, and a runner sprinted by so quickly that he was just a blur.
|
|
"Who was THAT?" Mike asked. "Him?" John answered. "He's some lawyer ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
When a man was reading the newspaper, his wife asked, "Will you still love
|
|
me when I'm old and gray?" "Sure I do," he mumbled.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A woman walked into a savings & loan and said to the loan officer, "I'd like
|
|
to talk to you about a loan." "Great!" the ecstatic loan officer replied,
|
|
"How much can you give us?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
My ex-wife was so ugly that after we got divorced, she got a job in prison
|
|
curing sex offenders.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's Pee-Wee Herman's favorite baseball team?
|
|
|
|
A: The Montreal Expos.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do passionate women put behind thier ears to attract men?
|
|
|
|
A: Thier ankles.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A man visited his doctor and complained of feeling bad. Because there were
|
|
no apparent medical problems, the doctor gave the patient a thorough exam;
|
|
he found nothing wrong. After thinking on the situation for a few minutes,
|
|
the doctor asked the patient about his diet. "Tell me what you typically
|
|
eat for breakfast," the doctor said. "Oh, a pound of bacon, a dozen eggs,
|
|
a loaf of toasted bread, two or three pots of coffee. And maybe six or
|
|
seven dounuts if I'm really hungry." "That's a pretty big breakfast," the
|
|
doctor said. "What do you eat for lunch?" "Nine or ten hamburgers, four or
|
|
five milkshakes, and a pie or two." The doctor was amazed. "And what do
|
|
you have for dinner?" "That's my big meal," said the patient. "I usually
|
|
have three or four helpings of salad, four or five steaks, five or six
|
|
baked potatoes, eight or nine dinner rolls and five or six pots of coffee."
|
|
The doctor shook his head and said, "Drop your pants again; then turn
|
|
around and bend over." The man did so and after the doctor looked closely
|
|
he told the guy, "There's your problem! You have only one asshole ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The best investment of the savings and loan industry was in the U.S.
|
|
Congress.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do Hiroshima, Nagasaki and Baghdad have in common?
|
|
|
|
A: Nothing - yet ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were jewish, what would cheetah be?
|
|
|
|
A: A fur coat.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Three men - Myron the lawyer, Vinnie the teamster, and J.D. the aggie -
|
|
proposed marriage to an eligible young lady. Mary couldn't decide which
|
|
proposal to accept (Myron had a prestigious job, Vinnie was a manly man,
|
|
and J.D. the aggie was filthy rich), so she told them, "We'll have a con-
|
|
test. I'll marry whoever brings me the most ping-pong balls." A couple of
|
|
days later, Myron the lawyer came back with an attache case full of ping-
|
|
pong balls. "Would you please marry me, please?" Myron begged. Mary was
|
|
about to accede to Myron when they heard a rumble outside. Vinnie the
|
|
teamster huffed into Mary's apartment and threw open the curtain. There,
|
|
on the lawn, were his buddies unloading crate after crate of ping-pong
|
|
balls from a huge semi. "Yo," growled Vinnie, "Why don't youse marry me?"
|
|
Totally surprised, Mary told Vinnie the teamster, "Well it looks like it's
|
|
going to be you and me, but I want to be fair; we have to wait for J.D." It
|
|
was a long wait. Several months later, J.D. the aggie showed up. His clothes
|
|
were in rags, his body a mass of cuts and bruises, but J.D. was carrying two
|
|
HUGE round objects on his shoulders. "What happened to you?" Mary asked J.D.
|
|
"I waited all this time," she cried, "and you didn't even bring me any ping-
|
|
pong balls!" "Ping-pong balls?" said J.D. the aggie, "I thought you said
|
|
King Kong's balls ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How can you tell when a jewish couple is having sex doggy-style?
|
|
|
|
A: He sits up and begs, then she rolls over and plays dead.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Three recently deceased college graduates, one from Harvard, one from Baylor
|
|
and the last from Texas A&M, showed up at the Pearly Gates. The Gates were
|
|
in desperate need of repair, so St. Peter asked the three potential angels
|
|
to make a bid on the repair project. Since they all agreed, St. Peter gave
|
|
each of them a copy of the specs and said, "Study them overnight and have
|
|
your bids ready in the morning." The next morning, St. Peter asked the
|
|
three, "What are your bids?" The aggie bid $3,000. "What's the breakdown?"
|
|
St. Peter asked. "A thousand for labor, a thousand for materials, and a
|
|
thousand for overhead and profit," replied the aggie. St. Peter jotted down
|
|
the figures and asked the Harvard man, "What's your bid?" After the Harvard
|
|
man replied "Six thousand" St. Peter asked him for the breakdown. "Two for
|
|
labor, two for material and two for overhead and profit." St. Peter, frown-
|
|
ing at the second bid, turned to the Baylor grad and asked, "Can you do any
|
|
better?" "Nine thousand," said the Baylor grad. "NINE thousand?!" thundered
|
|
St. Peter, "What is YOUR breakdown?" The Baylor grad confidently replied,
|
|
"Three for you, three for me and three to get the aggie to do it."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you tell a polish ladder from a normal one?
|
|
|
|
A: Polish ladders have "STOP" stenciled at the top.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the yupper that thought intercourse was a state highway?
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza
|
|
with everybody on it ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A pilot and a blind guy went up in an airplane. Unfortunately, the pilot
|
|
had a heart attack and died. The blind guy radioed, "Mayday, Mayday!" to
|
|
the tower. "We have a dead pilot, I'm blind, and we're flying upside down!"
|
|
"How do you know you're upside down if you're blind?" the tower asked.
|
|
"Because the shit's running down my collar!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Life is like a shit sandwich:
|
|
|
|
The more bread you have,
|
|
The less shit you have to eat.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How can you tell if a pig is drunk?
|
|
|
|
A: She starts buying the drinks ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A mortician's daughter named Maddie,
|
|
Told an eager, but virginal, young laddie,
|
|
"If you do as I say,
|
|
We can have a great lay,
|
|
Since I've buried more stiffs than my daddy."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
(Bumper Sticker)
|
|
|
|
Divorce is the screwing you get for the screwing you got!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Early one spring, a saleswoman's car broke down in the middle of Northern
|
|
Michigan. After miles of walking, she found a farmhouse with two men sitting
|
|
on the front porch. "My car broke down; can I stay here tonight?" the sales-
|
|
woman asked the yuppers. "No problem," said Sven. "But you have to do a
|
|
favor for us, eh?" said Ole. The saleswoman agreed, adding "But you have
|
|
to wear these rubbers to keep me from getting pregnant." So the night
|
|
passed, and all concerned had a great amount of fun. The next day the sales-
|
|
woman got her car fixed and continued on her way. That fall, while they were
|
|
cutting wood, Sven turned to Ole and asked, "You know, what do we care if
|
|
that lady gets pregnant, eh?" "You know Sven," replied Ole, "I think you're
|
|
right. Why don't we take the rubbers off?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm. Grandpa
|
|
was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption,
|
|
as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway. "In my day,"
|
|
grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then
|
|
study late into the night hoping to pass our classes." "But grandpa," replied
|
|
the grandson, "that is a whore's shoe ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
(Daffynition)
|
|
|
|
Jewish Dilemma (n): Free ham.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Three friends got together and went to Mexico for a holiday. While they
|
|
were there they were picked up for buying and smoking pot and were sent
|
|
before a firing squad. The Federales lined up the three young Texans and
|
|
put blindfolds on them. The boy from Rice thought 'I must do something to
|
|
get out of this,' so he jerked off his blindfold and yelled, "Tornado!"
|
|
When the firing squad looked up, he ran away. The boy from Houston, not
|
|
thinking quite as quickly, jerked off his blindfold and yelled, "Cyclone!"
|
|
When the firing squad looked up, he ran away also. The aggie heard all
|
|
this going on and thought 'This will really fool them,' so he jerked off
|
|
his blindfold and yelled, "Fire!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the aggie that shot his dog? He heard that his best
|
|
friend was screwing his wife!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear that Milli Vanilli is putting out their autobiography? No
|
|
word, yet, on who the author(s) will be ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One fall, a group of gays went duck hunting in Canada. After shooting
|
|
several ducks, a game warden jumped out of the woods and asked the gays
|
|
for their hunting licenses. After showing the gays displayed the required
|
|
documents, the warden picked up a duck, stuck his finger up the its ass,
|
|
and announced, "You know this is a wood duck? You got a wood duck hunting
|
|
license, eh?" When one hunter produced a wood duck hunter's license, the
|
|
game warden stuck his finger up another duck's ass and announced, "This
|
|
is a mallard. You got a mallard hunting license, eh?" As another hunter
|
|
produced his mallard hunter's license, he asked the warden, "Why am I
|
|
being subjected to this abuse?" "Where you from, hoser?" asked the warden.
|
|
Whereupon the hunter turned around, bent over, and lisped, "Stick your
|
|
finger up there and find out for yourself."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's red, green and drips down the wall?
|
|
|
|
A: Granpa's final cough.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two fags havin a chat ...
|
|
|
|
Bruce: Guess what? I've given up smoking!
|
|
|
|
Lance: Oh Yeah? What do you do now, instead?
|
|
|
|
Bruce: I suck lifesavers.
|
|
|
|
Lance: Thats okay for you - you live close to the beach.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A woman was unable to conceive, so she went to her doctor. The doctor told
|
|
her about the latest medical discovery, and told her to swallow three ball
|
|
bearings. The very next day, the woman got pregnant. Not only was she preg-
|
|
gers, but she was expecting triplets! Nine months later, she had two daugh-
|
|
ters and a son - one for each ball bearing. Twelve years after that, the
|
|
first daughter came running up to her and said, "Mommy mommy, I was doing
|
|
a pee in the toilet, and a little ball bearing fell out!" The mother
|
|
thought that her daughter had started menstruating, so she replied, "Don't
|
|
worry. I know all about it, and everything will be fine." A week after that,
|
|
the second daughter came running up to her mother and said, "Mommy mommy,
|
|
I was doing a pee in the toilet, and a little ball bearing fell out!" The
|
|
mother thought that her second daughter was also becomming a woman, so she
|
|
replied, "Don't worry. I know all about it, and everything will be fine."
|
|
A week after that, the only son came running up to his mother and said,
|
|
"Hey mom ..." The mother interrupted, and said, "Don't tell me ... You were
|
|
going to the bathroom, and a little ball bearing fell out?" "No, I was
|
|
upstairs playing with myself and I shot the cat!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
____
|
|
| |
|
|
__| |__
|
|
\ | | /
|
|
- ( | | ) -
|
|
___| |___
|
|
/ O \ __
|
|
| _______ | Original by /_/ ,
|
|
| | | | / \ene
|
|
__| | | |__
|
|
|____| |____|
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
If American ships bear the intials 'USS', standing for "United States Ship,"
|
|
and if a British ship's name starts with 'HMS', for "Her Majesty's Ship,"
|
|
what does the Italian designation 'DMB' stand for?
|
|
|
|
(Answer: "Datsa my boat")
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Money can't buy friendship, but it can get you a better class of enemy.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Would Be Lothario: "I love you terribly!"
|
|
|
|
Disappointed Girl: "You sure do ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How many 'pro-lifers' does it take to fix a light bulb?
|
|
|
|
A: 6 - Two to put it in, and four to testify that it was lit from the
|
|
moment the other two began screwing.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Whats the worst thing about playing softball in a cow pasture?
|
|
|
|
A: Sliding into 3rd base.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There once was a whore of the Azores,
|
|
Whose snatch was so covered with sores,
|
|
That the dogs in the street,
|
|
Wouldn't touch the green meat,
|
|
Which hung in festoons from her drawers.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A young woman was talking with her mother. "Mom, I lost my virginity last
|
|
week," said the daughter. "I'm not suprised, honey," replied her mother, "I
|
|
just hope it was a wonderful and romantic experience for you." "Well," said
|
|
the daughter, "it felt good at first, but after the 7th or 8th guy, it
|
|
started to hurt!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you keep from losing an erection?
|
|
|
|
A: Don't fuck with it.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
|
|
|
|
A: About half way.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
What's this:
|
|
|
|
<------
|
|
------>
|
|
|
|
An irish sex manual.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
(knock, knock)
|
|
|
|
"Who's there?"
|
|
|
|
"A polish thief."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
You are so ugly that if you sent your picture to the Lonely Hearts Club,
|
|
they would be sent back with the explanation that they are lonely - not
|
|
desperate.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
(You must tell this joke with a beer in hand.)
|
|
|
|
A semi driver pulled his rig out of Pittsburgh onto Interstate West. Soon
|
|
after, he spotted a beautiful young hitchhiker on the side of the freeway.
|
|
Feeling lucky, he pulled over and, like the suave dude he was, leaned out
|
|
the window. "Yo! Where ya goin' toots?" he inquired. "New York!" she replied.
|
|
It was every truck driver's dream come true. "Hey, no problem," he said,
|
|
"But you got to give me head the whole way." The hitchhiker agreed. Cleve-
|
|
land passed, she was bobbing on the knob. Chicago passed, she was sucking
|
|
the salami. (START TAKING FREQUENT SIPS OF YOUR DRINK) Kansas City passed,
|
|
her noggin' was rockin', but a little slower though. With Seattle in sight,
|
|
the hitchhiker paused, gulped, lifted her head and said (TAKE A BIG SIP)
|
|
... "Are we there yet?" (SPRAY YOUR ATTENTIVE AUDIENCE WITH FOAM, SPIT,
|
|
AND THEN RUN!)
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
(Bumper Sticker)
|
|
|
|
Make war, not love -
|
|
It's safer these days.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A high school history teacher giving a pop quiz to her class ...
|
|
|
|
"Who said 'Give me liberty, or give me death'?"
|
|
|
|
Akito, the class brain, stood and politely replied, "Nathan Hale, 1776."
|
|
|
|
"Very good, Akito!" said the teacher. "Now, who said 'We shall have peace
|
|
with honor'?"
|
|
|
|
Again, Akito replied. "Richard Nixon, 1975," he said.
|
|
|
|
"Very good, again, Akito. Class, don't you feel just a -little- uncomfor-
|
|
table knowing that this child of immigrant parents knows so much about
|
|
United States history?"
|
|
|
|
From the back of the room came the cry, "Screw the Japanese!"
|
|
|
|
"Harry S. Truman, 1945."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
COLE'S LAW:
|
|
|
|
Thinly sliced cabbage ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
How many animals can you find in a pair of pantyhose?
|
|
|
|
10 little piggies, 1 ass, 2 calves, 1 pussy, 1000 hares,
|
|
maybe some crabs, and one dead fish nobody can find ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
(VMS) is like a Soviet railroad train: It's basically industrial-strength,
|
|
but when you look at it closely, everything's a little more shabby than you
|
|
might like; it gets the job done, but there's no grace to it.
|
|
|
|
The (MAC) operating system is like the monorail at Disney World: It's kind
|
|
of spectacular and fun, but it doesn't go much of anywhere; still, the kids
|
|
like it.
|
|
|
|
(UNIX) is like the maritime transit system in an impoverished country: The
|
|
ferryboats are dangerous as hell, offer no protection from the weather and
|
|
leak like sieves. Every monsoon season a couple of them capsize and drown
|
|
all the passengers, but people still line up for them and crowd aboard.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why aren't cowboys circumsized?
|
|
|
|
A: So they have a place to keep their Skoal when they eat.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Rule of the Thumb:
|
|
|
|
The more buttons fastened on a person's shirt, the higher the I.Q.
|
|
|
|
(Curtis Cloaninger)
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are
|
|
actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize
|
|
accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writ-
|
|
ing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining ...
|
|
|
|
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
|
|
don't have.
|
|
|
|
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
|
|
|
|
3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
|
|
|
|
4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
|
|
|
|
5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
|
|
reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I
|
|
did not see the other car.
|
|
|
|
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and
|
|
had an accident.
|
|
|
|
7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
|
|
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
|
|
|
|
8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
|
|
|
|
9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place
|
|
where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time
|
|
to avoid the accident.
|
|
|
|
10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found
|
|
that I had a fractured skull.
|
|
|
|
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
|
|
road when I struck him.
|
|
|
|
12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood
|
|
of my car.
|
|
|
|
13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with
|
|
a big mouth.
|
|
|
|
14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a
|
|
ditch by some stray cows.
|
|
|
|
15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
|
|
|
|
16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my
|
|
head through it.
|
|
|
|
17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
|
|
|
|
18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before
|
|
I hit him.
|
|
|
|
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
|
|
|
|
20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
|
|
|
|
21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
|
|
|
|
22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law,
|
|
and headed over the embankment.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
I have a drinking problem: 2 hands and only one mouth ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
(MY DOG "Sex")
|
|
|
|
Usually, everyone who has a dog either calls it 'Rover' or 'Fifi' or some-
|
|
thing. I called mine 'Sex.' Well, 'Sex' is a very embarrassing name. One
|
|
day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking
|
|
for that dog. A cop came along and asked me what I was doing in this alley
|
|
at 4:00 A.M. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.
|
|
|
|
One day I went to city Hall to get a dog licence for Sex. The clerk asked
|
|
me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like
|
|
to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." And he said, "I don't
|
|
care how she looks." Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since
|
|
I was two years old." He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."
|
|
|
|
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have
|
|
Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said,
|
|
"But Sex is a big part of my life - my whole lifestyle revolves around
|
|
Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not
|
|
marry us in his church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would
|
|
enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the
|
|
Peace. My family is barred from the church.
|
|
|
|
My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked
|
|
into the motel I told the clerk, "I want a room for my wife and a special
|
|
room for Sex." The clerk said, "Every room in the motel is for Sex." Then
|
|
I said, "You don't understand- Sex keeps me awake at night." And the clerk
|
|
said, "Me, too." One day I told my friend that I had Sex on T.V. He said,
|
|
"Show-off." I told him it was a contest and he told me I should have sold
|
|
tickets.
|
|
|
|
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the
|
|
dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." And the Judge
|
|
said. "Me, too." When I told him that after I was married Sex left me,
|
|
he said, "Me, too." Well, now I've been thrown in jail, been married,
|
|
divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why
|
|
just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist
|
|
and she said, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex died and left
|
|
my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely." The doctor
|
|
said, "Look. You and I both know that Sex isn't man's best friend - So
|
|
GET YOURSELF A DOG!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Three old jewish men were sitting around a table eating lunch, when the
|
|
first one said, "Oy vay!I sent my son out into the world, and he came
|
|
back a Christian!" The second and third ones comforted the first - afterall,
|
|
they too had suffered similar tragedies. All of a sudden a deep voice boomed
|
|
from the clouds,"Wouldn't ya' know? The samething happened to me ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What is the definition of agony?
|
|
|
|
A: Being a one-armed man hanging off a cliff, and having an attack of jock
|
|
itch.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What did the polish mother say to her pregnant daughter?
|
|
|
|
A: "Don't worry, it might not be yours."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A high school student was taking a biology test when he encountered this
|
|
question: "Give four reasons why mother's milk is better than cow's milk."
|
|
|
|
The student's answers were:
|
|
|
|
1. It's always available.
|
|
2. It's has more nutritional value.
|
|
3. It's always at the right temperature.
|
|
4. It comes in such nice containers.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
I saw in today's paper that skirts are getting shorter and shorter. If
|
|
so, it will echo the '60s. First there were miniskirts, then microskirts.
|
|
I can't wait for airplane skirts. Those are ones where you can see the
|
|
cockpit.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
An anthropologist was deep in the Amazon jungle. He and his native guide
|
|
stopped at a remote village. As they were drinking water from gourds, the
|
|
anthropologist saw a beautiful young girl walk out of a hut. The sun danced
|
|
off the glistening tops of her breasts and her smile was captivating. "Who's
|
|
that?" asked the anthropologist. "Unh, that daughter of chief," replied
|
|
the guide. "Damn," replied the anthropologist, who had been in the jungle
|
|
for many months, "I'd sure like to eat her!" To which the guide replied,
|
|
"Unh, me too."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two midgets were talking. "How was your vacation at that nude ranch?" asked
|
|
the first. "Strange," replied the second, "At first I thought I was in Iraq.
|
|
From my angle everyone looked like Saddam Hussein ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A woman went to visit her therapist. As they were talking, the therapist
|
|
noticed she had a chipped tooth. "How did that happen?" asked the therapist.
|
|
"Do you remember that vibrator you gave me?" asked the woman. "Well, I
|
|
chipped a tooth practicing."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Does your wife talk to you while she's having sex?" the therapist asked
|
|
his patient. "Sure," said the man, "Once, she even called me from a motel."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What is true love for the male of the species?
|
|
A: An erection.
|
|
|
|
Q: What is true love for the female of the species?
|
|
A: A no-limit charge card.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What were Anne Boleyn's last words?
|
|
|
|
A: "'Tis better to give head, than to lose head."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Women: Would that we could fall into their hearts without falling into
|
|
their hands ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
How can you tell the difference between a WASP girl in the grave and a WASP
|
|
girl in bed? The one in the grave is warmer and has her -arms- crossed ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
(Daffynition)
|
|
|
|
Pussy (n): What a man spends nine months trying to get out of
|
|
- and the rest of his life trying to get back into.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Where do dates grow?
|
|
|
|
A: On calendar trees.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A polack, walking down the street, stopped to help a delivery man struggling
|
|
with a package. After fifteen minutes, they were both exhausted. "I guess we
|
|
better give up; We'll never get that package on the truck," said the delivery
|
|
man. "On the truck?" replied the dumbfounded polack. "I thought you were
|
|
trying to get it off!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"...writing code for an ANSI input driver is a Herculean (1) labor."
|
|
- Joe Campbell
|
|
|
|
The labors of Hercules were:
|
|
|
|
1. Kill Nemean Lion.
|
|
2. Slay nine-headed hydra of Lerna.
|
|
3. Capture elusive Stag of Arcadia.
|
|
4. Capture wild boar on Mt Erymanthus.
|
|
5. Clean stables of King Augeas of Elis.
|
|
6. Shoot monstrous man-eating birds of the Stymphalian marshes.
|
|
7. Capture mad bull of Crete.
|
|
8. Kill man-eating mares of King Diomedes.
|
|
9. Steal Girdle of Hippolyta.
|
|
10. Seize cattle of Geryon of Erytheia.
|
|
11. Fetch golden apples of Hesperidies.
|
|
12. Retrieve three-headed dog Cerberus from Hell.
|
|
13. Emulate Terminal of ANSI.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why don't Ethiopians go to the movies?
|
|
|
|
A: They can't hold the seats down.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day Miss Smith told her class, "Today we're going to use the word
|
|
'definitely' in a sentence. Nancy?" Nancy said, "The sky is definitely
|
|
blue." Miss Smith corrected her, "No - sometimes it's overcast and the sky
|
|
is gray. And at night the sky is black. The sky isn't definitely blue.
|
|
Lenny?" Lenny said, "Ummm ... the grass is definitely green." Miss Smith
|
|
corrected Lenny also, "No - sometimes the grass is dead and brown. The
|
|
grass isn't definitely green." So Dirty Ernie jumped up and asked, "When
|
|
you fart does it ever have lumps in it?" Miss Smith, taken somewhat aback,
|
|
stuttered, "Heavens, no!" So Ernie replied, "Then I definitely shit my
|
|
pants!"
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day Marshal Dillon saw a cowboy dunking an old women's head in a horse
|
|
trough! The Marshal got upset and went over where this was happening.
|
|
"You best stop that, boy!" he warned, "Tain't nice what you're doing there!"
|
|
The cowboy replied, "Mind your own business. This is -MY- mother and I'll do
|
|
what I want ..." The cowboy continued to slam the women's head in the dirty
|
|
horse trough. Marshal Dillon was getting seriously pissed, "Look here, boy,
|
|
I'm gonna have to run you in, you don't stop that!" Fixing the Marshal with
|
|
a withering glare, the cowboy replied, "Mind your own damn business! She's
|
|
my mother and I'll do what I want!" By this time the Marshall was very pissed
|
|
- he hadn't had someone talk to him like that since he was a wet-behind-the-
|
|
ears deputy. He started towards the unruly cowboy, trying to slap the cuffs
|
|
on him, when the cowboy let go of the elderly woman and punched the Marshall
|
|
right between the eyes! As soon as the stunned Marshal hit the ground, the
|
|
cowboy jumped on his horse and galloped out of town. Marshall Dillon wobbled
|
|
to his feet and yelled, "Come back here, you cop-socking mother dunker!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A British colonel was walking down the street in London when he saw a guy
|
|
with no arms and no legs sitting in the gutter playing a mouth organ.
|
|
A sign beside the guy read, "Victim of Falklands War." "Bloody disgraceful,
|
|
what," said the colonel, "the way the country treats its veterans!" So
|
|
saying, he pulled out his wallet, peels off two fifty pound notes and
|
|
dropped them in the guy's hat. The guy looked up and says, "Mucho gracias,
|
|
senor."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do Mexicans have big noses?
|
|
|
|
A: It gives them something to pick in the off season.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
On a shopping trip to Green Bay, the "Big City," a yupper bought a 24-piece
|
|
jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle
|
|
was finished. "Look what I done, Ole," he said proudly to a visiting neigh-
|
|
bor. "That's surely somethin', Sven. How long it take you?" "Only two weeks,"
|
|
replied Sven. "Never done a puzzle myself," Ole said, "Is two weeks fast?"
|
|
"Darn tootin'," Sven said, "Look at the box. It says, 'From two to four
|
|
years' ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
|
|
|
|
A: When you see your new mother-in law backing off a cliff in your new
|
|
Mercedes.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why does Dolly Parton have such a small waist?
|
|
|
|
A: Nothing grows in the shade.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two construction workers were working on the 58th floor of a new high-rise.
|
|
One of them looked at the other and said, "I'll be right back - I have to
|
|
go take a piss." His buddy said, "Hang on a minute. By the time you get the
|
|
elevator up here, go all the way down to the street, find a porta-shitter,
|
|
and get back, it's going to take at least a thirty minutes. Why don't we
|
|
get that board over there, push it part of the way over the edge, I'll
|
|
stand on this end, and you walk out and let loose." The construction worker
|
|
who was turning yellow immediately agreed. As he was standing on the board
|
|
relieving himself, the phone rang and the guy standing on the board stepped
|
|
off to answer it. At the inquest to his co-worker's death, the worker was
|
|
very distraught and was unable to assist in what happened. The police started
|
|
asking for witnesses when a little old lady walked up and said, "I saw him
|
|
fall, officer. I think it may have some to do with some kind of homosexual
|
|
act!" "That's a pretty serious accusation ma'am," the cop sternly replied,
|
|
"What makes you say that?" The old lady replied, "Well, as he was falling,
|
|
all the way down he was holding on to his penis, screaming 'Where did that
|
|
little cocksucker go?'"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Then there was the guy whose roommate caught him pouring beer in his hand.
|
|
"What are you doing?" he asked. "I wanna score tonight," the roommate with
|
|
the beer replied, "so I'm getting my date drunk."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did the hillbilly trade his wife in for an outhouse?
|
|
|
|
A: Because the hole was a little smaller, and it smelled a little nicer.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How many lawyers does it take to unclog a toliet?
|
|
|
|
A: Three. Two to hold his legs, and one to dive below and suck.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The doctor told his patient "I have bad news and worse news for you, what do
|
|
you want to hear first?" The patient replied, "What's the bad news?" The
|
|
doctor said, "Your tests have come back and we've determined that you only
|
|
have two days to live." The man exclaimed, "Oh my God! What could be worse
|
|
news than that?" The doctor replied, "We've been looking for you for the
|
|
last forty-eight hours ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
I used to be into S & M, bestiality, and necrophilia, but then I realized
|
|
I was just beating a dead horse ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Dirty Ernie: "Mom, I didn't know you could take apart a nurse."
|
|
Mom: "What do you mean?"
|
|
Dirty Ernie: "I heard dad telling Mr. Smith 'I just screwed the ass off a
|
|
nurse!'."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The other day I was getting out a sweater and the label said it was made
|
|
of 100% Virgin Acrylic, honest. What's virgin acrylic? Is it made out of
|
|
vinyl flooring that never got laid?
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Seen written in a very shaky hand:
|
|
|
|
"Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A guy went to get a vasectomy (under general anesthesia). While the guy was
|
|
asleep, the doctor mistakenly cut his nuts off. Seeing this, the nurse
|
|
leaned over and told the doc, "Just sew on two onions - he won't know the
|
|
difference." So, the doctor did it and sent the guy on his way. A week later
|
|
the guy came in for a checkup. He told the surgeon, "Doc, everything feels
|
|
okay, but three strange things have happened since the operation." The doctor
|
|
looked perplexed, and asked him to explain, The patient continued, "Everytime
|
|
my wife gives me a blowjob she gets bad breath; everytime I pee, I want to
|
|
cry, and every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A guy walked into a bar and, with a very despondent look on his face, ordered
|
|
a bourbon - straight up. The bartender set the drink down and, to his sur-
|
|
prise, a little man just over a foot tall climbed out from under the custo-
|
|
mer's jacket and onto the bar. The customer groaned and just put his head
|
|
down on the bar in total frustration. The little man glared at the barten-
|
|
der, took a sip of the drink and spit it out on the bar. "What the hell is
|
|
this donkey piss you call bourbon, you fat-bellied jerk!" the little man
|
|
bellowe as he turned and swaggered down the top of the bar, kicking ashtrays
|
|
out of his way and glaring at everyone. He stopped in front of another custo-
|
|
mer and said, "What are -YOU- lookin' at dicknose?!" He glared at everyone
|
|
in the bar again. The bartender looked at the guy that brought the little
|
|
man in with him and growled, "Where the hell did you find him?" The despon-
|
|
dent one sighed, "Its a long story ... I was vacationing in Ireland, found
|
|
a four-leaf clover, and was given one wish. So, I wished for a 14" prick
|
|
and ... well ... there he is."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
After a hillbilly spent his first night with his new bride, he returned home
|
|
the next day to his father. He said, "Paw, I had to kill my wife." His paw
|
|
asked him why, to which his son replied that he discovered she was a virgin.
|
|
His paw said, "You did good, son. If she ain't good enuf for her family
|
|
then she ain't good enuf for ours."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
After a long and particularly arduous cattle drive, a cowboy wandered into
|
|
Dodge to get a hot meal, a beer, and a bath. The cowboy headed for the
|
|
nearest restaurant to have dinner. The only vacant seat in the restaurant
|
|
was next to a refined, educated and wealthy looking young lady of about
|
|
twenty-one years. He couldn't help but overhear her ordering. "I'll have
|
|
breast of virgin fowl - make sure it's virgin - catch it yourself and
|
|
garnish it with onions - young spring onions. Then I'll have a cup of coffee
|
|
- not too strong and not too sweet. Oh yes, and waiter, -PLEASE- open the
|
|
windows, I think I smell a horse - there must be a cowboy in the room."
|
|
Completely pissed-off and not to be outdone, the cowboy placed his order:
|
|
"I'll have a duck. A well-fucked duck. Fuck it yourself and garnish it with
|
|
horse shit. Bring me a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss and fart
|
|
the foam off. Yeah, and podnuh, knock the walls down - I smell cunt, there
|
|
must be a whore in the house."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. Do you know what the miracle of AIDS is?
|
|
|
|
A. It turns fruits into vegetables.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. What do the Rubiks cube and a penis have in common?
|
|
|
|
A. The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Kid: I wonder if they have bulletin boards in Heaven?
|
|
|
|
Priest: The good new is that yes there are. The bad news is that the sysop
|
|
just validated you ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Since her baby came, miss Snow
|
|
Won't diddle, she just hollers, "NO!"
|
|
She thinks a fat senator,
|
|
Was it's likely progenitor
|
|
But having laid ten, she can't know ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There was an old prophet named Moses,
|
|
Who once said, "A girl is a fool who supposes
|
|
That a man, as a rule
|
|
Can boast of a tool
|
|
Proportionately long as his foot is."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There was a young fellow named Grimes,
|
|
Who made his girl seventeen times,
|
|
In the course of a week
|
|
That is not to speak
|
|
Of assorted venereal crimes ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the diff between a pitbull humping your leg and a poodle humping
|
|
your leg?
|
|
|
|
A: The pitbull gets to finish.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A wino was waiting for the city bus. He had a sudden, overwhelming, desire
|
|
to shit. He looked down the street and saw his bus about five blocks away.
|
|
There was no one around, so he dropped his pants and shit right on the side-
|
|
walk. He quickly pulled up his pants just as the bus arrived. The driver
|
|
opened the door and the wino, trying to act casual, asked, "What's the fare
|
|
to downtown?" The driver said, "A buck and a half for you, and seventy-
|
|
five cents for your kid brother."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Not drunk is he who from the floor,
|
|
Can rise alone and still drink more.
|
|
But drunk is he who prostrate lies,
|
|
Without the power to drink or rise!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Despite acts of great herosim, three British soldiers returned from the Falk-
|
|
land Islands without being decorated. Their captain called them into his
|
|
office to explain. "Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he
|
|
said, "So the regiment has decided to give you ten pounds sterling for
|
|
each inch of measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private,
|
|
which measurement for you?" "Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!"
|
|
Taking out a tap measure, the Captain announced, "That's 720 pounds. Well
|
|
done, private. Corporal?" "Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms
|
|
outstreched, sah!" The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches -
|
|
740 pounds. Very good, corporal. Sergeant, how about you?" "Tip of me prick
|
|
to me balls, sah!" "Very well. Drop your trousers, then." The captain put
|
|
his tape measure at the end of the man's penis, then looked up and asked,
|
|
"Where are your balls, sergeant?" "Goose Green, Falklands, sah!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day St. Peter had to go on some very important business, so he left a
|
|
minor saint in charge of the Pearly Gates and instructed him to get proof
|
|
of identity before he let anyone in. So the minor saint was sitting around
|
|
when Beethoven arrived. "You can't get in without proof," said the saint.
|
|
So Beethoven pulled up a piano and banged out his 9th symphony as it was
|
|
really meant to be played. "Okay," said the saint, "You're in." A few light
|
|
years later, up came Einstein. "Prove to me you're Albert Einstein," said
|
|
the saint. Einstein proceeded to thoroughly explain the theory of relativity.
|
|
"Okay," said the saint, "You're in." Shortly thereafter, Dan Quayle came
|
|
strolling along, wanting to be let through the gates of Heaven. "I need proof
|
|
of identity," said the saint. "But," sputtered Quayle, "I was the vice presi-
|
|
dent of the United States!" "Sorry," said the sympathetic saint," but every-
|
|
one needs proof. Even Beethoven and Albert Einstein needed proof." "Who?"
|
|
said Quayle. "Okay," said the saint, "You're in."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A lady was in the stirrups at her gynecologist's office, having her annual
|
|
checkup, when she heard the doctor talking to himself as he examined her:
|
|
"My, what a big vagina! My, what a big vagina!" The lady was, to put it
|
|
mildly, a bit annoyed. Being the assertive type, she spoke up immediately:
|
|
"Doctor, I can't believe what I'm hearing! I think it's incredibly unpro-
|
|
fessional of you to say something like 'My, what a big vagina' twice!"
|
|
"But I only said it once," replied the doctor.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A polack's house was furiously burning down, surrounded by fire trucks and
|
|
helpless firemen, and all the polack could do is stand around and laugh, and
|
|
laugh. So, his neighbor came over and said, "Jerzy, your house is being
|
|
burned down to the foundations and you're Laughing?" "Why not?" said Jerzy
|
|
with a chuckle, "I got enough wood in the attic to build another one."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Once there was a priest who was travelling quite some distance, so he stopped
|
|
at a convent to seek lodging for the night. The nuns had an extra room, so
|
|
they let the father come in and stay until morning. The next day, one of the
|
|
young novices happened to be chatting with the Mother Superior. "Did you
|
|
know," said the novice, "that I have the Gateway to Heaven right here
|
|
between my legs? And did you know that Father John has the key between his
|
|
legs?!" "The Key to Heaven?"said the Mother Superior, suddenly suspicious,
|
|
"What does it look like?" The novice described the 'key,' whereupon the
|
|
Mother Superior cried, "He told -ME- it was Gabriel's Horn!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
|
|
|
|
A: Because the chicken called in sick.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What kind of bat can't fly?
|
|
|
|
A: A bat-man.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do seagulls live by the sea?
|
|
|
|
A: Because if they lived by the bay they would be called bay-gulls.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
|
|
|
|
A: A bull-dozer.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What kind of star is in jail?
|
|
|
|
A: A shooting star.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What kind of fly 'parley vous francais'?
|
|
|
|
A: A french-fly.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the new birth control pill for men? You take it the day
|
|
after and it changes your blood type!
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the three aggies that drove there truck off a bridge one
|
|
night? The driver broke the glass and got out, the two in the back drowned
|
|
because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There once was a three-legged dog who walked into a bar and said, "I'm
|
|
looking for the man who shot my paw!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why didn't the Dairy Queen get pregnant?
|
|
|
|
A: She went out with Mr. Softy.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Do you know what the German word for 'virgin' is?
|
|
|
|
A: Gutentight.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
This swishy-type of guy went to the doctor for his physical. He got undressed
|
|
and waited for the doctor to begin. The doctor came over to him and pushed up
|
|
on his right testicle and said, "Say sixty-six." The guy replied "Thixty
|
|
thix." The doctor then pushed up on his left testicle and said "Say sixty-
|
|
six." The guy again said, "Thixty thix." The doctor then prepared for the
|
|
rectal exam by putting on a rubber glove and applying some vaseline to his
|
|
finger. He had the guy bend over and then inserted his finger and instructed
|
|
the guy to say sixty-six again. The guy replied "One, two, three ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What did the indian say when his dog fell of the cliff?
|
|
|
|
A: Dog-gone.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day, a young indian boy asked the medicine man how indians were named.
|
|
The wise, old, medicine man replied "You named after first thing you see.
|
|
After your sister born, your father look out teeppee and see deer running,
|
|
so her name 'Running Deer.' After your brother born there big storm, so him
|
|
name 'Thunder Head.' Why you want know Two Dogs Fucking?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do Marion Barry and Marilyn Quayle have in common?
|
|
|
|
A: They both blow a little dope.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why does Dan Quayle always make love on the bottom?
|
|
|
|
A: Because he always fucks up.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you get when you cross a hooker with a piranha?
|
|
|
|
A: Your last blowjob.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
I joined the German club in high school. We were a small organization until
|
|
we annexed the French club ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The Worlds Great Religions Interpret the Philosophy "Shit Happens"
|
|
|
|
Taoism - Shit happens.
|
|
Confucianism - Confucius say, "Shit happens."
|
|
Buddhism - If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
|
|
Zen - What is the sound of shit happening?
|
|
Hinduism - This shit happened before.
|
|
Islam - Shit happens by the will of Allah
|
|
Protestantism - Let shit happen to someone else.
|
|
Catholicism - If shit happens, it's your fault.
|
|
Judiasm - Why does shit keep happening to us?
|
|
Paganism - Shit happens and it's great fertilizer.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
|
|
|
|
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
|
|
|
|
A: One's a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding scavenger, and the other's a fish.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Mommy, mommy, I don't wanna visit Grandma!"
|
|
|
|
"Shut up and keep digging ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Mommy, mommy, I don't like drag racing!"
|
|
|
|
"Shut up and hang on to the bumper ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Mommy, mommy, I hate my sister's guts!"
|
|
|
|
"Shut up and eat what's on your plate ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you here about the Ethiopian who fell into the alligator pond? He ate
|
|
three before they got him out ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call Ethiopians with big feet?
|
|
|
|
A: Golf clubs.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do Yoko Ono and Ethiopians have in common?
|
|
|
|
A: They both live off dead beetles.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One night two vampire buddies were feeling hungry. One said to the other,
|
|
"What do you feel like? Chinese?" The other said, "No, not filling enough."
|
|
"Mexican?" "No, too spicy." "Italian?" "Sounds good ..." So they flew
|
|
around until they found an Italian, came right down on him, and drank him
|
|
dry. But they had to get rid of the body, so they flew out over a swamp and
|
|
dropped the dead Italian in the murky waters. The next night, same thing.
|
|
"Hungry?" "Yes." "Chinese?" "No." "Mexican?" "No" "Italian?" "Yes." They
|
|
found another one and drank him dry. Afterwards, they flew the body over
|
|
the same swamp, and dropped him. As they were flying away, one of the
|
|
vampires said to the other, "Do you hear that singing?" "I don't hear any
|
|
singing," replied the other. So they put the incident behind them and kept
|
|
on flying. The next night same thing. "Hungry?" "Yes." "Chinese?" "No."
|
|
"Mexican?" "No." "Italian?" "Yes." They found another Italian, drank him
|
|
dry, fly the body over the same swamp, and dropped it. But this time as
|
|
they flew away they both heard the singing, so they went back to check it
|
|
out. They flew down and there, sitting on a rock in the center of the swamp,
|
|
was an alligator singing "Drained wops keep falling on my head ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One sunday, a Mother Superior was walking in the convent garden when she
|
|
saw a young novice surrounded by pigeons shouting, "Fuck off! Fuck off!"
|
|
"Sister!" the Mother Superior said sharply, "There is no need for such
|
|
language. All you have to do is say, 'Shoo, shoo,' and they'll fuck off."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The Seven Dwarfs were having an audience with the pope when Dopey raised
|
|
his hand and said, "Excuse me? Your Holiness?" The pope said, "Yes, my son?
|
|
What can I do for you?" Dopey said, "Are there nuns at the North Pole?" The
|
|
pope give it some thought and finally said, "No, I don't believe there are.
|
|
It's very cold at the North Pole." A little later in the audience, Dopey
|
|
raised his hand again. "Your Holiness, I have another question." "Yes, my
|
|
son, what is it?" "Do you have nuns at the south pole?" asked Dopey. "Well,
|
|
it's much colder there than it is at the North pole," said the pope. "I
|
|
don't believe we have any clergy there." Dopey's face fell. "Oh," he said.
|
|
Then, from the back of the room, came a little voice: "Dopey fucked a
|
|
penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
St. Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a stroll. He
|
|
soon noticed that the fence between Heaven and Hell was in need of repair.
|
|
So St. Peter leaned over the fence and yelled at Lucifer, "This fence needs
|
|
to be repaired! I'll see to it that you help pay for it ..." Lucifer
|
|
replied, "If you want it fixed -YOU- pay for it!" St. Peter replied "The
|
|
fence is your responsiblity too. You help pay for it, or I will sue you."
|
|
Lucifer laughed "Ha! Where do you think -YOU- are going to get a lawyer?!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Do you know how to tell when a family of flamingoes has moved into the
|
|
house next door?
|
|
|
|
A: They decorate the lawn with plastic mexicans.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One cold winter day, a polack decided to go ice fishing. After setting up
|
|
his shack, he started chipping through the ice. Suddenly, he heard a booming
|
|
voice say, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The polack looks around, but
|
|
saw no one. He continued chipping away at the ice. Again he heard, "THERE
|
|
ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Looking around, the petrified polack still saw
|
|
no one. He shouted, "Is that you, God?" The booming voice responded, "THIS
|
|
IS THE ARENA MANAGER ... THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A city dude walked into a cowboy bar with a cat under one arm, a six shooter
|
|
on his hip and a bucket of shit in one hand. He walked up to the bar and
|
|
set down the cat and the bucket. "May I please have a beer," he said to the
|
|
bartender. So the bartender gave the dude a draft. The dude proceeded to
|
|
take a big swig, set down the glass, pick up the cat, bite off its left ear,
|
|
pull a sixgun and -BANG!!!- shoot a hole in the bucket of shit. Even in the
|
|
fly-bitten, dusty, trail bar that was something new - the bartender couldn't
|
|
believe what he saw! The dude took another gulp of brew, bit off the cat's
|
|
right ear, pulled the gun and -BANG!!!- shot the bucket of shit again.
|
|
The bartender was astounded! The dude took a third swig of beer, picked up
|
|
the cat, bit off it's tail, pulled the gun and -BANG!!!- he put a third hole
|
|
in the shit bucket. The bartender had to say something. "Hey, you, green-
|
|
horn!" he yelled, "What in tarnation do you think you're doin?" The dude
|
|
replied "Well, my good man, I want to be like you rough and tumble fron-
|
|
tiersmen: I came to this fine emporium to drink beer, shoot shit and eat
|
|
pussy ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why is it easier for men to sleep on their sides, than women?
|
|
|
|
A: They have kick stands.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A priest and a rabbi, long time friends, were having lunch together one day.]
|
|
Downing a forkful of fish, the priest asked the rabbi, "Sam, in all your
|
|
entire life, do you mean to tell me that you have never ONCE tasted pork? Be
|
|
honest with me!" The rabbi answered, "Well, Pat, since you ask me: Once,
|
|
back when I was a young man, I was with some friends when we were served
|
|
some bacon and eggs. I had a taste of bacon at that time." "Aha! So you see
|
|
what you've been missing!?" "But you? Pat, did you ever, ever, have sex
|
|
with a woman?" "Well, it was back when I was a newly ordained priest. I
|
|
had a beautiful, young parishioner who approached me with troubles. One
|
|
thing led to another, and we ended up having sex together." "Better than
|
|
pork, isn't it?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do we know that Eve was the first computer operator?
|
|
|
|
A: 'Cause she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One sunday a drunk staggered into a church while Mass was going on. The
|
|
priest couldn't help but notice him bumping into one pew after another as
|
|
he made his way down the side aisle. The drunk finally made it to to con-
|
|
fessional and closed the door. After mass the priest took his position on
|
|
the other side of the confessional. The drunk sat silently for about 5
|
|
minutes. Realizing that he would have to break the silence, the priest
|
|
asked "Can I help you, my son?" Startled, the drunk replied, "HUH? Oh
|
|
yeah, do you have any paper on your side?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
1st Polack: What would you do if you found a million dollars?
|
|
|
|
2nd Polack: If it belonged to a poor person, I'd return it.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One night a drunk stopped a cab and asked the cabbie, "Do you have room (hic)
|
|
for three six-packs (hic) and a large pizza?" "Yeah, buddy, sure do," replied
|
|
the cabbie. So the drunk threw up in the back seat.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Coach: Hoss, we're short on players. Do you think you can pass this football?
|
|
|
|
Aggie: Yeah, coach, I think ah kin if ah kin swallow it.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A Norwegian, an Irishman and a German were sentenced to be electrocuted.
|
|
First, the Irishman was strapped in the chair and the switch was pushed.
|
|
Nothing happened, so the Irishman was freed. Same thing happened to the
|
|
German. As the Norwegian was lead into the room, the prison guard remarked,
|
|
"Sure has been a lucky day for those two guys." Said the Norwegian, "Vell
|
|
I should say so, becoss I can see the plug has come out of the socket under
|
|
the chair."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why does it take three Cajuns to eat a possum?
|
|
|
|
A: Because it requires two just to look out for cars.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why don't Irishman watch Johnny Carson/The Tonight Show?
|
|
|
|
A: Because none of them can stay sober past 10:30.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why don't yuppers watch the Gong Show?
|
|
|
|
A: Because it's too intellectual.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Marriage Counselor: You say you are having marital problems. Do you have
|
|
mutual climax?
|
|
|
|
Polack: No ... our insurance is with State Farm.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
After twenty years, the aggie finally graduated from college. Deciding to
|
|
put his hard won knowledge into use, he started raising chickens. The first
|
|
week he went to the hatchery and bought 200 chicks. The next week he came
|
|
back and bought 200 more. The third week, the same thing. Curious, the
|
|
hatchery man asked why the aggie came in every week to order 200 more
|
|
chicks. "Wahl," drawled the aggie, "Something seems to be wrong. Either ahm
|
|
planting them too deep - or too close together ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
An Irishman sat in a pub drinking beer all afternoon. The bartender was
|
|
getting concerned because the Irishman hadn't gotten up. Finally, after
|
|
his 5th pitcher of beer, the Irishman got up very slowly and headed for
|
|
the back door. The bartender followed him to the alley where the Irishman
|
|
prepared to relieve himself. "Hey!" shouted the bartender, "You can't do
|
|
that in here!" "I'm not gonna do it HERE," slurred the Irishman, "I'm
|
|
gonna do it waaa-aaay over there ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
An elderly man decided to march to the altar at the ripe old age of 85 with
|
|
a shapely young thing just out of high school. His friends cautioned him
|
|
about the health hazard involved, saying that the exertion of his wedding
|
|
night could prove to be fatal. "Well," said the old man, "that's a chance
|
|
I'll have to take ... If she dies, she dies."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Judge: You've been brought here for drinking!
|
|
|
|
Irishman: Swell! Let's get started.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The rich ex-aggie reluctantly sent his son to Rice. In his first year the
|
|
son got a girl in trouble, so the fast thinking lad sent his dad a letter,
|
|
saying that a professor at Rice could teach Ol' Yeller to talk for $1,000.
|
|
Impressed, the ex-aggie sent the money and Ol' Yeller to his son. A few
|
|
months later, the son committed the same indiscretion so he wrote his dad
|
|
a letter, saying the professor wanted to teach the dog to read. Again the
|
|
ex-aggie came through with the money. At the end of the year, the rich ex-
|
|
aggie met his son at the backyard heliport. Lo and behold, there was the
|
|
son, but no Ol' Yeller! "Where's thuh dawg, son?" inquired the rich Texan.
|
|
"Yah know, Paw," said the son, "two nights ago Ol' Yeller and I were having
|
|
a chat while he was reading thuh paper. I said it sure would be good to come
|
|
bak home, and Ol' Yeller said 'Yeah, I miss the ranch too.' And he said he
|
|
wondered if the old man was still fooling around with the French maid. And
|
|
you know, Paw, I got so mad at that remark that I reached over and choked
|
|
that old dawg. Before I could control myself, Ol' Yeller had died." Quickly
|
|
the ex-aggie leaned forward and anxiously whispered in his son's ear, "Are
|
|
you sure that dawg is dead, son?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour
|
|
a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. Mac-
|
|
Dougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it
|
|
through my kidneys first?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The polack got married and on his wedding night the bride disrobed and
|
|
suggested he 'get aboard.' The bride was asleep by the time the polack
|
|
got back from the lumberyard.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Three yuppers were discussing their preferences in female company. The
|
|
first one extolled the attractions of Marilyn Monroe. The second said that
|
|
only Raquel Welch could possibly be ideal for him. The third yupper pro-
|
|
tested that while Marilyn and Raquel had their good points, he would have
|
|
to hold out for Virginia Pippaleeny. "Who is she?" the first two yuppers
|
|
asked. "Well," said the third yupper, "I read about her in da paper today,"
|
|
as he held up the newspaper headline reading "SIX MEN DIE LAYING VIRGINIA
|
|
PIPELINE."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
In Warsaw there's a neighborhood improvement project going on. They're
|
|
building diving boards over the cesspools.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One night the local lothario took out the one girl nobody had gotten to
|
|
before. On the way back from dinner he took a detour to the lover's lane.
|
|
After parking he turned to her and said, "Hey, you ever seen a prick?" The
|
|
girl got all wide-eyed and asked, "No, what's a prick?" "I'll show you,"
|
|
said the lothario as he unzipped and whipped out his pride and joy. "THAT
|
|
is a prick," he said proudly. "Oh," said the girl, "it's just like a cock,
|
|
only smaller."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A man in Paris was arrested and charged with fucking a dead woman. He hired a
|
|
good lawyer and managed to get released. His lawyer convinced the judge that
|
|
the man didn't know the woman was dead, he thought she was British.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Three old nuns, back from long missions to primitive lands, were walking
|
|
along the street and one was describing with her hands the tremendous coco-
|
|
nuts she'd seen in the South Pacific. The second on, also with her hands,
|
|
described the huge bananas she'd seen in Central America. The third nun,
|
|
a little deaf, asked, "Father Who?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Three nuns stopped at the holy water on their way into a church. The first
|
|
nun said, "I have to rinse my eyes with holy water because I looked at a
|
|
penis." The second nun said "I have to wash my hands because I actually
|
|
TOUCHED a man's penis." Whereupon the third nun said "Move over sisters,
|
|
I've got to gargle".
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
|
|
|
|
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day a grade school teacher asked her students what their parents did for
|
|
a living. "Tim," she said, "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up
|
|
and said proudly, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you Amy?"
|
|
said the teacher. Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet, and said, "My
|
|
father is a mailman." "Thank you Amy. What about your father Ernie?" said
|
|
the teacher. Dirty Ernie jumped up and proudly announced "My father plays
|
|
piano in a whorehouse!" The teacher was shocked and promptly changed the
|
|
subject to geography. Later that day she went to Dirty Ernie's house and
|
|
rang the bell. Ernie Senior answered the door. The teacher explained what
|
|
his son had said and demanded an explanation. Ernie Senior replied, "I'm
|
|
actually a lawyer, but how can you explain a thing like that to a seven
|
|
year old?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One sunday the Mother Superior called all the nuns together. "You know,"
|
|
she said, "I found a used condom in the here last night." All the nuns were
|
|
surprised, except one. They went, "Uhhhhh?" She went "Hee hee hee." The
|
|
Mother Superior continued, "That means there was a man here last night."
|
|
"Uhhhhh?" said the nuns. "Hee hee hee," went the lone nun. Again the Mother
|
|
Superior continued "You all know that's against the rules." Again all the
|
|
went "Uhhhhh?" Again the lone nun laughed. Finally, the MOther Superior
|
|
concluded, "And worst of all, the condom has a hole in it." All the nuns
|
|
went 'Hee hee hee!' while the lone nun said "Uhhhhh?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A young nun at a convent had one too many sexual indiscretions, and turned up
|
|
pregnant. Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order
|
|
she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret
|
|
safe, possibly right up until the birth. And so it did, and upon the evening
|
|
when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that
|
|
no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.
|
|
After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with the
|
|
baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the
|
|
order, with no place for food or shelter. Knowing that the Mother Superior
|
|
was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a
|
|
basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn
|
|
hours. She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers. At
|
|
sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just
|
|
waking from a nap. She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child
|
|
in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly
|
|
sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Just before the big wedding day a groom's friends decided to throw him a
|
|
stag party. After many drinks, a naked girl jumped out of the big cake
|
|
and started dancing with the groom. The inebriated groom soon fell and broke
|
|
his woody on the floor. His buddies rushed him to the hospital where a
|
|
doctor examined the groom's injury. The doctor concluded that the groom had,
|
|
in layman's terms, fractured his penis. "Doc! Doc! That can't be true! I'm
|
|
getting married tommorow; what about my honeymoon?" "Well Mr. Smith, the
|
|
only thing that I can do is splint it. The swelling should go down in a
|
|
couple of days." And the doctor proceeded to take four tongue depressors,
|
|
placing one on each side of the groom's now crooked penis, and taped
|
|
around the whole affair to keep it all in place. The next day, the wedding
|
|
went off without a hitch. When the newlyweds got to the hotel that night,
|
|
the groom quickly excused himself into the bathroom. After an hour, he
|
|
finally emerged from the bathroom with his pajama bottoms on - he still
|
|
was not sure what to say. As he entered the bedroom he was greeted by the
|
|
sight of his new bride lying spread eagled on the bed. "Here you go
|
|
sweetheart," she cooed, "Pure untouched virgin wool - Unseen by any man
|
|
except you." "You think yours is new," he said whipping off his pajama
|
|
bottoms, "Mine is so new it's still in the crate!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How many critters can you find in a pair of panty hose?
|
|
|
|
A: Ten little piggies, two calves, one ass and one beaver - they're still
|
|
looking for the fish.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
It's been so long since I had any, the crack of dawn makes me horny.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you know there was a book written about the leper navy? It's called
|
|
"All Hands On Deck."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A man was golfing, and everything was going the usual way for his game, when
|
|
he came to the 16th hole and had a hole in one! As he reached in the hole
|
|
to get his ball, out came a genie. The genie said "I grant you one wish."
|
|
The man didn't take long to make his request, "I'd like to have the the
|
|
biggest cock in the world." POOF! His cock became so long that it drug
|
|
behind him two feet. He was so stunned by this that he couldn't go on with
|
|
his golf game. He went back to the clubhouse dragging his cock behind him.
|
|
Everyone in the clubhouse stared at him as he made his way to see the pro.
|
|
"Look what happened to me on the 16th hole!" he yelled at the club pro.
|
|
After explaining to the pro what had caused his elongated 'putter,' the
|
|
golfer asked the pro what he thought he could do to remedy the situation.
|
|
"Why don't you take this bucket of balls and go back to the 16th hole and
|
|
try to get another hole-in-one. Maybe then you'll get the genie back and
|
|
he can help you." So off the golfer went to the 16th hole. After hours of
|
|
hitting balls and not even coming close to getting a hole-in-one, lightning
|
|
finally struck twice. Just as the golfer reached in to retrieve his golf
|
|
ball, out popped the genie. "Don't tell me," said the genie, "I think I
|
|
know what you want this time. You want your cock shrunk back to normal,
|
|
right?" "No!" the golfer replied, "I want you to make my legs longer!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A yuppie was driving his BMW on a windy mountain road when an oncoming car
|
|
took a turn wide and clipped the left side of his car. His arm, which had
|
|
been hanging out the window, was cut off. The yuppie stopped, jumped from
|
|
his car and began screaming, "My BMW! My BMW!" A passing trucker stopped
|
|
to help and noticed the yuppie's laments. "Hey buddy!" the trucker shouted,
|
|
"Can't you see your arm's been torn off?" The yuppie paused, noticed the
|
|
trucker was correct and began shouting, ""My Rolex! My Rolex!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"To do, is to be." - Socrates
|
|
"To be, is to do." - Sartre
|
|
"Do-be-do-be-do." - Sinatra
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He
|
|
was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had
|
|
arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" the lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was
|
|
being ushered in the lawyer had an idea. He quickly picked up the phone and
|
|
shouted into it "... and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty
|
|
thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!"
|
|
Slamming the phone down, he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones, "Good Morning,
|
|
what can I do for you?" "I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied,
|
|
"I'm here to connect your phone."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
My favorite answer to 'Were you sleeping?' is "That's okay, I had to get up
|
|
to answer the phone anyway."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A man approached a stunning blonde at a party. After introducing himself and
|
|
engaging in some friendly conversation, he asked her, "Would you be willing
|
|
to sleep with me for ten thousand dollars?" The woman was taken aback by the
|
|
question, but after a few minutes' thought replied, "Yes, I think I would."
|
|
The man then asked her, "Well then, would you sleep with me for fifty
|
|
dollars?" The woman was shocked and replied indignantly, "What do you
|
|
think I am?!" "We've established that," the man said, "Now we're negotiating
|
|
the price!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What's 6.9?
|
|
|
|
A: A good time interrupted by a period.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do elephants have red balls?
|
|
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
|
|
|
|
Q: What's the most horrible sound in the jungle?
|
|
A: Girraffes eating cherries.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
At the turn of the century, a cowboy was riding across the New Mexico desert
|
|
heading for Phoenix. He rode over a hill and saw an Indian lying on the
|
|
ground, naked with a hard on. Being a curious type, the cowboy rode over to
|
|
the Indian and asked just what he was doing. The Indian replied, "Me tellum
|
|
time." The cowboy was doubtful that the Indian could really tell the time,
|
|
so he asked, "What time is it?" The Indian replied that it was 10:05 in the
|
|
morning. The cowboy pulled out his pocket watch and sure enough it was
|
|
exactly 10:15! The stunned could do nothing but continue his ride west.
|
|
That afternoon the cowboy saw another Indian lying on the ground, naked with
|
|
a hard on. He rode up and asked "Injun, what are you doing laying there on
|
|
the ground?" The second Indian replied, "Me tellum time." The cowboy was
|
|
sure that this one was lying, but to humor him he said, "Okay, what time is
|
|
it?" The second indian said was about 3:45 in the afternoon. The cowboy
|
|
again looked at his pocket watch and sure enough it was exactly 3:45!
|
|
The now incredulous cowboy continued his ride west. Near sunset the cowboy
|
|
spied yet another Indian laying on his back. But this third indian was
|
|
vigorously masturbating. The cowboy rode up to him and said "I know you
|
|
ain't telling the time, so just what in tarnation do you think you're
|
|
doing?" The third Indian replied, "Me no tellum time - me windum clock!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a very cold dwarf with a hard-on?
|
|
|
|
A: A frigid midget with a frigid digit.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Three travelling salesmen had car trouble out in Kansas, so they walked to
|
|
a farmer's house. "The nearest gas station with a phone is 50 miles from
|
|
here," said the farmer, "but you can stay tonight in the guest room - just
|
|
don't stick your dicks in the three holes your bathroom wall." The salesmen
|
|
agreed, and went to their room. That night curiosity got the better of them.
|
|
The first salesman went for it. "Wow, this is great! It's the best I've
|
|
ever had!" moaned the first salesman. Hearing this, the second guy stepped
|
|
up next to the first and stuck his dick in the second hole. After a few
|
|
strokes, the second salesman said, "It's not great, but better than
|
|
nothin'." Hearing this the third salesman had to check things out for
|
|
himself. The third salesman had no sooner stuck his dick in the third hole
|
|
than he began screaming uncontrollably. In less than a minute, the farmer
|
|
burst into their room. The first salesman asked the farmer what was in the
|
|
holes."Well," replied the farmer, "the first one is my daughter, the second
|
|
one is my cow, and the third one is my milking machine - but don't worry,
|
|
it cuts off after 55 gallons ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What is a vagina?
|
|
|
|
A: It's the box a penis comes in.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What is a Kotex?
|
|
|
|
A: A manhole cover.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
On their wedding night, Bob and Alice were in the honeymoon suite getting
|
|
undressed for the big occiasion. Bob turned to Alice and said, "I have to
|
|
be honest with you sweetheart, I have never done this before" Alice replied
|
|
"Don't worry Bob; I'll guide you through it." So Alice laid on the bed and
|
|
parted her legs. Pointing to her womanhood, Alice told Bob to insert his
|
|
penis here when it gets hard. Bob looked at Alice, and said, "No way! My
|
|
grandmother told me to stay away from those things 'cause they got teeth
|
|
and they bite!" Alice laughed, and said, "Oh, they do not! Here, take a
|
|
real close look. Do you see any teeth in there?" Bob got real close and
|
|
took a long, hard, look. Lifting his head, he replied, "Of course there's
|
|
no teeth in there, what did you expect with those rotten gums?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
INDOOR GOLF
|
|
|
|
1. Each player will furnish is own equipment for play, normally one club
|
|
and two balls.
|
|
|
|
2. The course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.
|
|
|
|
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
|
|
keep the balls out of the hole.
|
|
|
|
4. For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
|
|
Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft
|
|
before play begins.
|
|
|
|
5. Course owners have the right to restrict the length of the club in
|
|
order to avoid damage to the hole.
|
|
|
|
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
|
|
the owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied
|
|
permission to play the course again.
|
|
|
|
7. It is normally considered bad form to begin playing the hole
|
|
immediately upon arriving at the course. The experienced player will
|
|
usually admire the entire course, with special attention to the well
|
|
formed bunkers.
|
|
|
|
8. Players are cautioned not to mention any other courses they have
|
|
played. Upset owners have been know to damage players' equipment for
|
|
this reason.
|
|
|
|
9. Players should assure themselves that the match has been properly
|
|
scheduled - especially on a course being played for the first time.
|
|
Previous players have been known to get irate if they find someone
|
|
else playing what they considered their own private course.
|
|
|
|
10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape for play at
|
|
all times. Some owners may be embarrassed if their course is
|
|
temporarily under repair. The player is advised to use tact in
|
|
this determination. More advanced players will find alternate
|
|
means of play when this is the case.
|
|
|
|
11. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
|
|
the same hole several times in one match.
|
|
|
|
12. Course owners shall be the judge as to who is the best player. It
|
|
is considered bad form for a player to reveal his score, or even
|
|
that he even played the course, to other players. Players who have
|
|
contracted for exclusive rights to play a private course are
|
|
cautioned that information reaching the owner that the player
|
|
has played some other course, may result in the contract being
|
|
canceled and a suit for damages instituted.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A polish couple got married. On their wedding night they couldn't figure
|
|
out how to have sex. So the woman said to her husband, "Dear, go to the
|
|
doctor tomorrow and ask him how we can have sex." The next day the polack
|
|
went to the doctor and said, "Doc, how do my wife and I have sex?" The
|
|
doctor told him, "Son, I want you to go home and stick the longest thing
|
|
you've got up the hairiest thing she's got." That night the polack went
|
|
home and practiced what the doctor recommended - he stuck his nose up her
|
|
armpit.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
An aggie decided to celebrate his latest gusher by going to the nearest bar.
|
|
When he walked in, the aggie noticed a stunning young woman at the end of
|
|
the bar; he asked the bartender to send her a drink. The bartender warned
|
|
the aggie, "You don't want to get involved with her." "Why not?" said the
|
|
aggie. "Because she's a Lesbian!" the bartender said. "That don't bother
|
|
me!" exclaimed the aggie as he made his way to young woman's table. Taking
|
|
a seat, he asked her, "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do Mexican cars have small steering wheels??
|
|
|
|
A: So they can drive them with handcuffs on.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Having just finished his meal, the restaraunt customer was eagerly looking
|
|
forward to enjoying a good cup of coffee before he left. As the waiter
|
|
returned from the kitchen, the customer noticed that the waiter was holding
|
|
the cup in such a way that his thumb curled over the rim of the cup and was
|
|
actually submerged in the brew. The customer was irate, exclaiming, "What
|
|
the hell are you doing with your thumb in my coffee?!" The waiter looked
|
|
surprised, and somewhat embarassed, and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but I have
|
|
arthritis in my thumb - really bad, you see - and I wasn't even conscious
|
|
of having my thumb in your coffee. The warmth, you see, makes it feel SO
|
|
much better and ..." The customer cut the babbling waiter off, "If it's
|
|
warmth you want, why don't you just stick your thumb up your ass?!" The
|
|
waiter replied, "Oh, I do - when I'm in the kitchen!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
One day a man was playing golf by himself. He hit a tee shot into a sand
|
|
trap. While looking for his ball, he unearthed an antique lamp. He dusted
|
|
it off and a genie appeared. With a raised hand, the golfer stopped the
|
|
genie, saying, "I don't want anything. I'm happy with life as it is." No
|
|
matter what the genie said, the golfer could not be convinced to make even
|
|
one wish. The golfer played on, but the genie, having much experience in
|
|
these matters, knew what every man wants. The genie gave the golfer health,
|
|
wealth and a great sex life. A year later, the same man hit his golf ball
|
|
into the same sand trap. Looking for his ball, he again found the lamp.
|
|
As soon as the golfer picked up the lamp, the genie appeared. The man again
|
|
stopped the genie. The genie said, "Then, sir, please grant ME a wish and
|
|
answer some questions." The golfer agreed. "How is your health?" asked the
|
|
genie. "Unusually good this past year," said the man. Feeling better, the
|
|
genie asked, "How about your finances?" "I won the lottery several months
|
|
ago," said the golfer. "Excellent!" beamed the genie, "And how is your
|
|
love life?" "Not that it is any of your business," said the man, "But I
|
|
get it about twice a week." "Is that all?" asked the disappointed genie.
|
|
"Well," said the golfer, "I don't know about you, but I think that is
|
|
pretty darn good for a priest in a small parish!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why were there only 5000 Mexicans at the Alamo?
|
|
|
|
A: Thats all that they could fit in the back of the pick-up truck.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What does P.M.S. really stand for?
|
|
|
|
A: Punish the Male Species.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
TOP TEN MOTHER'S DAY GIFTS AVAILABLE IN TIMES SQUARE
|
|
|
|
10. Rolling pin vibrator
|
|
9. "World's Greatest Mom" crack pipe
|
|
8. A lovely silk robe shoplifted from Saks
|
|
7. Videocassette of the movie "Danish Moms"
|
|
6. A guy who'll do anything for fifty bucks
|
|
5. Necklace of human ears
|
|
4. Car stereo (with minor crowbar damage)
|
|
3. Combination brass knuckes/cheese slicer
|
|
2. Gift certificate good for one brutal beating
|
|
1. Inflatable Dad
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
PENNY'S LAW
|
|
|
|
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people
|
|
all of the time, but you can't fool Mom.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did the DA drop the charges against Pee Wee Herman?
|
|
|
|
A: He couldn't get it to stand up in court ...
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How did copper wire get invented?
|
|
|
|
A: Two jews got it a fight over a penny.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do blondes always poof their hair up so high?
|
|
|
|
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do historians know Abe Lincoln was Jewish?
|
|
|
|
A: Because he was shot in the temple.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood decided to visit her grandmother.
|
|
Red took a basket with everything she needed and set out on her trip through
|
|
the forest. While she was happily skipping along the forest trail, she came
|
|
across a very friendly squirrel. When the squirrel learned that she was on
|
|
her way to see her grandmother, the squirrel said, "But you have to be very,
|
|
very careful! The Big Bad Wolf is looking for you and he says that he will
|
|
lick your titties! Little Red told the squirrel, "I'm not afraid, besides, I
|
|
have a gun in my basket!" A little further down the trail, Red came across a
|
|
rabbit. The rabbit told her the same thing. "Don't go to your grandmothers
|
|
house, because the Big Bad Wolf will be waiting for you and he wants to lick
|
|
your titties!" Little Red told the rabbit, "I'm not afraid, besides, I have
|
|
a gun in my basket!" Little Red Riding Hood skipped on down the forest trail.
|
|
When she got to her grandmother's house she met the Big Bad Wolf. He said,
|
|
"Hello there, Red! I'm glad you are here, because I'm going to lick your
|
|
titties!" Little Red looked bravely at the Big Bad Wolf and said, "I have a
|
|
gun in my basket, your not going to lick my titties! You are going to do like
|
|
the book said and you are going to EAT ME!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why do blondes stick their heads out the windows of moving cars?
|
|
|
|
A: To refuel their heads.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What did the blonde say when her boyfriend blew in her ear?
|
|
|
|
A: Thanks for the refill.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
MORE OXYMORONS
|
|
|
|
... helicopter with an ejection seat.
|
|
... submarine with a screen door.
|
|
... solar powered nightlight.
|
|
... condom with air holes.
|
|
... government efficiency.
|
|
... infatable dart board.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Yesterday I looked out my backyard into my neighbor's backyard and I saw a
|
|
penguin walking around the yard. So, I called my neighbor and said, "Do you
|
|
know that you have a penguin in your back yard?" He said, "Yes, I know; what
|
|
do you think I should do about it?" I said, "Why don't you take it to the
|
|
zoo." The next day I looked out my backyard again and the penguin was still
|
|
in my neighbor's backyard, so I called him up again and said, "Hey, I thought
|
|
you took that penguin to the zoo?" He said, "I did, and we had so much fun
|
|
that today I am taking him to the beach ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A preacher was giving a lecture on temperance to an unruly audience in an
|
|
Old West mining camp. "Look," he said, "I put a worm in a glass of water
|
|
and it's still alive. I put another worm in a glass of alcohol and it died
|
|
right away. What does that tell you?" "Easy," responded a voice from the
|
|
back, "If you don't want worms, drink liquor!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do two hardware technicians insult each other?
|
|
|
|
A: "Your motherboard!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear that Oscar Meyer signed Jeffrey Dahmer to an endorsement deal?
|
|
He sings a lunchtime song on the way to the fridge: "My bologna has a first
|
|
name, it's R-O-G-E-R. My bologna has a second name it's ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you call a cheap male prostitute with no arms or legs?
|
|
|
|
A: Humphrey.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
7 MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMEN'S LIFE
|
|
|
|
Doctor, because he says, "Take off all your clothes."
|
|
Dentist, because he says, "Open wide."
|
|
Milkman, because he says, "Do you want it in front or back?"
|
|
Hairdresser, because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
|
|
Interior decorator, because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it."
|
|
Banker, because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
|
|
Engineer, because he says, "Don't worry, I'll stretch it to fit."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How did Pee-Wee Herman die?
|
|
|
|
A: He had a stroke.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
President Bush called Dan Quayle into his office. Bush said, "Dan, I want
|
|
you to go on a fact finding mission to Central America." "Ok," Dan replied.
|
|
So, Dan went back to his office and said to his secretary, "Will you please
|
|
book me a flight to Ohio?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
It is said that woman is the greatest thing that God ever created; then why
|
|
did he have to give her a mouth and ruin it all?
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you know when you walk into a gay church?
|
|
|
|
A: Only half the men are kneeling.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you screw a fat chick?
|
|
|
|
A: Flip through the folds of fat until you find the one that smells like
|
|
shit, then go back one.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Dirty Ernie had been picking up some bad language by hanging out at the
|
|
construction site down the street. His mother was very upset by this and
|
|
asked Ernie Senior to reprimand him. "I heard you've been using some pretty
|
|
bad language son," said Ernie Senior, "Go get me a switch." Dirty Ernie
|
|
replied, "Fuck you, thats the electrician's job!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Fred was worried about going to the doctor for an examination. He wasn't
|
|
looking forward to the prostate exam so he asked a friend, Bob, who had
|
|
recently had one, what it was like. "Not that bad," said Bob, "The doctor
|
|
asked me to drop my pants and bend over the table. Then he put his hand on
|
|
my hip and stuck this long ... Hey! He had both hands on my hips ..."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION PLEASE!
|
|
|
|
1. Make a fist out of your hand
|
|
2. Loosen it a little
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you get?
|
|
A: Pee-Wee's Playhouse.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A Scotsman took a hot Irish babe out in a taxi. She was so good looking that
|
|
he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Why did God make man first?
|
|
|
|
A: Because he didn't want to be told how to do it.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
|
|
|
|
A: See if there is any dandruff on her shoes.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
I heard the other day that Buddha walked up to a hotdog stand and asked if
|
|
they could make him One with Everything.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a posi-
|
|
tion as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was
|
|
interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How
|
|
much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of
|
|
measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and
|
|
announcing, "Four." The physicist was interviewed next, and was asked the
|
|
same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself,
|
|
made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consulta-
|
|
tion with the United States Bureau of Standards, and many calculations, he
|
|
also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the
|
|
same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last
|
|
question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to
|
|
see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and
|
|
asked, "How much do you want it to be?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of
|
|
Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the
|
|
same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to
|
|
his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that
|
|
found in a low-grade Motel 6-type establishment. The lawyer was then
|
|
taken to his room, which was a palacial suite including a private
|
|
swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The
|
|
attorney was somehwat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really
|
|
quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such
|
|
small accomodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes
|
|
here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
|
|
|
|
A: No.
|
|
|
|
Reply: Good!
|
|
|