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kumquat 8 months ago
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title = "Stupid, stupid drama"
slug = "stupid-drama"
date = 2021-02-21
I haven't updated my blog in forever (something I really need to do), but someone decided to write bullshit about me on their phlog without specifically calling me out, so I feel the need to write my side of what actually happened.
This past summer, a certain user started #lounge on tilde-irc. His claim now is that it was to be an absolutely unmoderated space, but at no moment did they ever mention that at the time. Referring to said channel, he said, "my channel is just a place to have fun."
Then, one evening, one user in there started making inappropriate comments about another user's penis. Like, 5 or 6 sentences, translated into Spanish, for their Spanish homework, supposedly. These two users already had a pre-dating history, where they both had issues with each other, but it was mostly teasing the other. This, however, was completely out of line.
I left #lounge, because the user who made inappropriate comments never apologized, and in fact got mad at the other user because he mentioned how he was going to dim the other in a different channel, and pasted one of said comments. I called the user out for it, but it led nowhere.
In any case, said op of #lounge contacted me via DM to ask why I left. I was very frank, told him the comments were out of line, and I didn't want to go back until the one user apologized to the other. Needless to say, nothing happened, and now I see why. He acted like he was taking the issue seriously, but clearly from his phlog, he wasn't.
> Now look at things from my perspective.
> I've got two friends.
> One friend cracked a joke about another user, and they're both in the channel, still talking to each other.
> The other friend wants me to ban the first friend even though she's friends with everyone involved, because she found it offensive.
> What do I do?
> I didn't want to be that power-hungry prick that banned some teenager for cracking a stupid joke.
> So I told her I'd talk to the guy. Ask him to apologize to both parties, and everything would be cool.
> And that's what I did.
> But he didn't apologize. Probably because he thought it was ridiculous to apologize for some stupid joke.
> I didn't have the heart to ban him because he was one of my first friends, and he'd taught me most of the stuff I know about IRC.
> So I messaged her and told her he wouldn't apologize. But then again, he's just a teenager. Would banning him really be beneficial? Come on now. As an adult, she could let it go? Nope! She wanted him banned.
> I offered to apologize to everyone involved.
> She refused. It was either her or him. If he stayed in #lounge, she was out.
Now, I'm not going to "recap" anymore, because clearly when I see said op's recap, he's of course creating a recap to make himself feel better for his poor choices. Let my logs talk for themselves:
> 020-09-20 19:36:12 kumquat it's not a question of getting along. I have no issue with **** outside of #lounge, but what he did there was inappropriate. There need to be clear consequences for poor behavior and/or actions
> 2020-09-20 19:36:58 kumquat and if he isn't capable of doing something as insignificant as apologizing when the main op of a channel asks him, it shows the lack of respect he has for that person, and the people in that channel
> 2020-09-20 19:37:02 kumquat and I don't want a part in it.
> 2020-09-20 19:37:14 kumquat I don't want to encourage that behavior.
> 2020-09-20 19:37:19 kumquat I will not be party to it.
> 2020-09-20 19:39:41 kumquat As I said, I will come back, and I will even congratulate on **** on his step toward maturity if he makes a sincere apology to ****. But not a moment before.
> 2020-09-20 19:41:26 isvarahparamahkrsnah i think he has a hard time facing confrontation
> 2020-09-20 19:41:37 isvarahparamahkrsnah he didn't speak much when i talked to him
> 2020-09-20 19:41:45 isvarahparamahkrsnah i don't wanna pressure him
> 2020-09-20 19:41:57 kumquat then I don't want to come back.
> 2020-09-20 19:42:06 kumquat It's very simple.
> 2020-09-20 19:42:16 isvarahparamahkrsnah kumquat, he's just a kid
> 2020-09-20 19:42:36 kumquat yeah, that's why he needs to learn to take responsibility for his actions.
> 2020-09-20 19:43:00 kumquat I spent years working with teenagers, you seem to forget.
> 2020-09-20 19:43:14 isvarahparamahkrsnah can't you forgive him?
> 2020-09-20 19:43:33 isvarahparamahkrsnah you're older and mature
> 2020-09-20 19:43:35 kumquat the apology isn't for me to begin with, remember
> 2020-09-20 19:43:39 isvarahparamahkrsnah yeah i know
> 2020-09-20 19:43:46 kumquat and honestly, this is just as much about you as it is about him
> 2020-09-20 19:43:59 isvarahparamahkrsnah i'm his friend
> 2020-09-20 19:44:08 kumquat you claimed you were my friend
> 2020-09-20 19:44:10 isvarahparamahkrsnah i have a hard time confronting people and rebuking them
> 2020-09-20 19:44:14 kumquat I do not feel safe in your channel anymore
> 2020-09-20 19:44:16 isvarahparamahkrsnah i am your friend too!
> 2020-09-20 19:44:20 isvarahparamahkrsnah kumquat!
> 2020-09-20 19:44:28 isvarahparamahkrsnah my channel is just a place to have fun
> 2020-09-20 19:44:29 kumquat you do not defend people who are being harassed
> 2020-09-20 19:44:34 kumquat you try to make jokes out of it
> 2020-09-20 19:45:19 isvarahparamahkrsnah i'm sorry
> 2020-09-20 19:45:41 kumquat sorry is not the appropriate thing here. Actions are the only thing that will fix this.
> 2020-09-20 19:45:50 kumquat If you can't fix this situation, I can't come back.
> 2020-09-20 19:45:53 isvarahparamahkrsnah if i could apologize to all parties and fix things, i would
> 2020-09-20 19:46:05 kumquat you can take actions, but you won't take them.
> 2020-09-20 19:46:13 kumquat So by default, you've made your choice.
> 2020-09-20 19:46:34 kumquat And your choice is to protect someone who made sexually harassing comments.
> 2020-09-20 19:46:40 kumquat I hope you really think about that.
> 2020-09-20 19:46:45 isvarahparamahkrsnah **** helped me a lot when i was new to irc. i can't ban him from my channel when he hasn't done anything to me
> 2020-09-20 19:47:12 isvarahparamahkrsnah my choice is to fix things and cool all parties
> 2020-09-20 19:47:12 kumquat ok, then we have nothing further to say, then.
> 2020-09-20 19:47:25 isvarahparamahkrsnah but you're stubborn and he's stubborn
> 2020-09-20 19:47:30 isvarahparamahkrsnah what can i do
> 2020-09-20 19:47:48 kumquat You're right, I'm stubborn about sexual harassment because I've experienced it.
> 2020-09-20 19:48:00 kumquat And I won't watch anyone do that to someone else and do nothing.
> 2020-09-20 19:48:04 kumquat Or say nothing.
> 2020-09-20 19:48:08 isvarahparamahkrsnah kumquat please don't say that
> 2020-09-20 19:48:09 kumquat That apparently doesn't bother you.
> 2020-09-20 19:48:25 kumquat If you don't like the truth, that's your problem, not mine.
> 2020-09-20 19:48:43 isvarahparamahkrsnah well, this hurts
> 2020-09-20 19:48:47 isvarahparamahkrsnah i'm in a dilemma
> 2020-09-20 19:49:48 kumquat I've officially lost patience with this conversation.
> 2020-09-20 19:49:53 isvarahparamahkrsnah i'm sorry
> 2020-09-20 19:49:59 isvarahparamahkrsnah i'll let you be
> 2020-09-20 19:50:07 kumquat Let me know when you've worked through your "dilemma" on whether or not to support sexual harassment.
> 2020-09-20 19:50:22 isvarahparamahkrsnah you'll always be my friend
Clearly, not being inconvenienced was more important than attacking a harassment issue. He could have temp-banned the user for a day as a warning, but instead, chose to do nothing and lose his "friend" (me) from his channel permanently.
So the real irony here is, this op (or former op) claimed "you'll always be my friend," but once I made it clear I was never coming back, I no longer existed for this person. Some "friendship."
In any case, again in #lounge there has been more cases of harassment. No surprise, as the op refuses to take responsibility and wants it to be a free-for-all so he doesn't have to make a decision that could potentially inconvenience himself.
I mentioned in #meta that #lounge is unsafe. Why? Because it is. There isn't a single person acting as an adult, telling people if they've gone over the line with inappropriate behavior. Why would anyone want to subject themselves to it?
So in typical fashion, said user, instead of taking any responsibility, wrote a huffy phlog and left his own channel, because it's easier than acting as an adult. Disappointed, but not surprised.